Serves Jokes

What are some Serves jokes?

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

A libertarian walks into a bar. . .

The barman serves him tainted alcohol because there are no regulations.

He dies.

If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years...

he'll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence

A lawyer walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.

The pirate smiles and says, "That be the bounty on me head!"

A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."

The monk then pulls out a pistol from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."

I held a door open for an Asian guy

and he said "sank you" so i punched him in the face. Serves him right for bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.
PS: Happy 4th of July

An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.

The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."

The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."

The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"

The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"

The bartender answers, "A rose?"

"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"

A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-shit out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."

Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...

The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of rum." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.

The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."

Which state serves the smallest soft drinks?

Minnesota.

I work in a restaurant that only serves cannibals.

I'm head chef.

Three Valve employees walk into a bar

Three Valve employees walk into a bar and sit down in front of the bartender.

The first employee asked for a pint, and the bartender serves him one graciously.

The second employee asks for two pints, and again the bartender gives him what he wants without question.

The third employee asks for three pints, but this time the bartender doesn't give him what he wants, he only gives him two pints.

The poor lad looks at the bartender and asks him why he didn't get his third pint. The bartender looks at him and says, " You obviously don't work for Valve, they don't do anything more than two".

A farmer's wife is cooking breakfast for the family

The wife serves the farmer's breakfast first, then the farmer's daughter, then a plate for herself, and calls the family down. The farmer's son enters, and sees that he's been given nothing, and he protest, "Where's my eggs? My bacon? My milk?"

The wife replies, "I saw you kick the chickens, earlier so no eggs for a week. I also saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week. And I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week."

Just then the farmer walks in, kicking the cat as he enters. The boy looks to his mother, "should you tell him or should I?"

A man walks into a bar and orders three drinks.

The barman serves him and then watches as the man alternates between each drink until all three are empty.

"Why do you drink them in that fashion?" asks the barman.

The man replies "I have two brothers, and they've both recently moved away. One is in Portugal, and the other is in Peru. But we've decided that we should still all drink together once a week, so right now my brothers are doing the exact same thing."

The barman, thinking it a wonderful idea, happily prepares the three drinks week in week out.

Then, one day, the man walks in, picks up two of the drinks, walks slowly to his table, and starts drinking.

The barman instantly knows exactly what this means and approaches the man's table and says "I'm terribly sorry for your loss."

The man replies "Don't worry, my brothers are fine. I just decided to quit drinking."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"...

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

-Stephen Wright

An old man sets up three beds in his room...

and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.

The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"

and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"

Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache

Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

A postman is on his last day at work.

The people on his route all know and like him, and as he does his rounds on his last day people give him cards and little gifts.

When he gets to one house, the door opens and the lady of the house invites him in. She takes him to the table and serves him a beautiful breakfast. Afterwards, she invites him upstairs where she does her all to please him in bed. On his way out, she kisses him goodbye and slips him a dollar.

He says, "Thank you for the breakfast and the amazing sex, but what's this dollar for?"

She says, "When we found out you were retiring, I asked my husband what we should do. He said, 'fuck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

A panda walks into a restaurant

and orders some spaghetti. The waiter is surprised but still serves his order.

The panda eats the spaghetti slowly while reading a dictionary. After he is finished, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and exits the restaurant.

The manager is staggered by the turn of events and moves to check what the panda had left behind. He sees the open page on the dictionary and finds the following definition of 'panda':

"a large bear-like mammal with characteristic black-and-white markings, native to certain mountain forests in China. Eats shoots and leaves."

An elderly couple go to a restaurant

One day, an elderly couple walk into a restaurant.

They sit down and order one meal.

When the waiter serves the meal, the woman splits everything in half and shares it with her husband. The meal, the salad, and the drink.

Intrigued by this strange behavior, the guy sitting next to them asks the couple if he can buy them an extra meal.

The woman tells him that there is no need for that. She explains to him that she and her husband took an oath to share everything they have and split things in half whenever they can.

"Fine" says the man. "But why are you not eating your food? Why are you watching your husband eat instead?".

The woman answers him: As I said, we share everything. We only have one Denture.


^^Denture: ^^Set ^^of ^^false ^^teeth.

I man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and ask for the most expensive drink, after doing that he starts doing shadow boxing, the barman looks at him confused and serves him his drink, after the man finish his drink he ask another one and starts shadow boxing again,the man finish the drink ask another one and starts shadow boxing again, the barman curious ask the man ΒΏwhen is the big fight? and the man says:whenever you want because i don't have any money

A plus sign, a multiplication sign , and a minus sign walk into a bar.

The bartender serves the multiplication sign first, then he serves the plus sign, and the minus sign from left to right and a bunch of people from Facebook don't know why.

This mnemonic joke helps you remember the alphabet...

Acronym


Based


Comedy

Doesn't

Ever

Feel


Good

Honestly,

I

Just

Keep

Lamenting

My

Negative

Opinion,

Perhaps

Questioning

Reality


Serves

The


Universe

Very

Well

...


Xylophone, yak, zebra.

Three Vampires in a bar

Three vampires walk into a bar.



The first one signals the bartender and says, " I'll take one pint of blood."



The bartender says ok and served him the pint of blood.



The second vampire signals the bartender and says, " I'll take two pints of blood."



The bartender says ok and serves him the two pints of blood.



The third vampire signals the bartender and before he can order the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want three pints of blood."



The vampire says, " No, actually I will just take a cup of hot water."



The bartender looks confused and ask, " Oh ok, but what for?"



The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "Because I have a tea bag"

Young guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of whisky

Barman serves them up and watches as the guy starts drinking them methodically, one after another, until he finishes the last one. The barman can't help but ask 'what's all the whisky for son?' so the guy, with his head on the bar, looks up weakly and says 'my first blowjob'. The barman cracks a huge smile, pours another whisky, slides it over the bar and says 'this one's on me son'.

'Thanks, but if twelve won't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think thirteen will'

A guy walks into a bar, slams $20 down and asks for a vodka. The barman serves the drink and enquires about his problem...

"I just found out my brother is gay", says the guy. "Man, that's tough," says the barman. Two weeks later the same guy goes to the bar again, and slams another $20 on the bar. The barman again enquires about his problem."I just found out my father is gay too!" says the guy. "Wow your family is screwed up," says the barman. Two weeks later, the guy walks into the bar again. Before he has a chance to take out any money, the bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, does anyone in your family even like to sleep with women?". "Yes", replies the guy, "my wife."

A friend of mine has a butler whose left arm is missing.

Serves him right

I managed to get a butler who works for free

I normally have really rotten luck, but I managed to get a butler who works for free. However, when I saw him, I realised he has lost his left arm;


Serves me right...

A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans.

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

What's the difference between true communism and unhindered capitalism.

One spies on the people, removes privacy for the sake of the masses, and props up an establishment that serves only the lucky few.

And the other fortunately never caught on in America.

My phone keeps going missing

Serves me right for leaving it on airplane mode

Adam's discussion with God

So Adam is walking around the Garden of Eden and he calls out to God that he's kinda bored and lonely. He asks God if he can create someone who is kind and admires and serves him(Adam) in every way. God responds He can, but it's going to cost an arm and a leg, so Adam asks what he can get for a rib.

Who serves all you can eat rabbit stew?

Warren Buffet!

Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:

"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."

The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice:

"Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. "

both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate.

"Good morning Wif--"

The son interupts:

"OKAY DAD WE GET IT. TAKE A DAILY ACTIVITY, SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A YEAR- NOT FUNNY"

The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says:

"Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work since this would be her second serving today."

Two scientists walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they would like to drink. The first scientist says "I'll have a glass of H2O please." The second scientist says "I'll have H2O too."

The bartender gives them both water because he isn't a moron and no bar serves hydrogen peroxide anyway.

What do you call a brothel that serves appetizers to its patrons?

*Whores d'oeuvre*

The boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money....

He serves up a great burger and fries.

A Canadian visits Russia

A Canadian visits Russia and goes to a restaurant that serves fries with gravy and cheese. He says, "I hate this poutine".

He was never seen again.

If Memory serves me right this time...

I'll have an extra side of mashed potatoes!

A cowboy walks into a bar

and orders a dose of the strongest drink available. The bartender serves a glass, the cowboy drinks it all in a single swallow, hits the glass on the table and asks for more.

The bartender serves another dose and the cowboy again drinks it all in one gulp and asks for more. The bartender serves the third dose of his strongest drink and equally the cowboy drinks everything in one gulp.

Impressed, the bartender says:

"Wow, you drank three doses in one gulp each. You're a real macho".

And the cowboy replies:

"What's the good of being so macho if the man I love doesnt want me?"

Ps.: I appreciate any language improvement.

What kind of food truck serves hamburgers?

A patty wagon

Ayn Rand, Ron Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar.

The bartender serves them drinks made with tainted alcohol because there are no regulations, they all die.

Why is Secretary of State Tillerson holding middle east peace talks during Thanksgiving in Wisconsin?

It's the only state that serves curds and turks at the same table.

Did you hear about the Mexican restaurant that only serves Indian food?

Turns out the chef is a naan-conformist!

Why does a pirate prefer to drink in a bar that serves rum, instead of gin?

Because it has mo'lasses.

An 800 pound gorilla walks into a bar...

...the bartender, weary of the gorilla, says "what'll it be?"

The gorilla says, "I'll have a Manhattan."

So the bartender serves him up and says, "That'll be $14," and goes back to wiping glasses.

A minute or two later, after thinking about it, the bartender then says to the gorilla, "You know, I gotta say, its kind of odd...I mean, this is not something you see everyday."

The gorilla takes a sip of his drink and says, "I agree, $14 is a bit much for a Manhatten."

A robot walks into a bar.

What can I get you? the bartender asks. I need something to loosen up, the robot replies. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks

for a beer something to snack on. Bartender serves him + a bowl of peanuts. The guy takes a handful to his mouth and faintly hears, "hey great shoes pal". Confused, he ignores the voice. The guy grabs another handful and once again he hears faintly "you have the kindest eyes". The guy looks around, asks a few people, no one knows what he's talking about. He brushes it off, finishes his beer, and grabs one last handful of peanuts. One last time he hears "is that a new haircut? looks great" Fed up, the man pays his bill. $5 the bartender says, for the beer.


The man says, "what about the peanuts??"


Bartender says, "oh those? those peanuts are complimentary"

I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes...

Naturally, I coded in BASIC

What do you call a tavern that only serves non-alcoholic drinks?

A pro-teen bar

What's the difference between Japanese sake bars and doctors in Oregon?

One of them serves adults in Asia...

Did you hear about the racist dolphin waiter?

He serves no porpoise.

An Irishman goes to an American bar..

He sits down and orders three beers. The bartender thought that was odd but serves him the beers which he promptly slams down and leaves.

He returns the next week and orders three beers again. Some of the barflies started to notice this behavior. This continued on for a few weeks until the bartender finally asked, "Hey, what's the deal with the three beers at once."

The Irishman replies, "Well y'see lads, back in Dublin, me n me two bruthers used to go out and slam a beer in t'pub once a week. I order three beers for all of us, to feel a bit closer to them."

He becomes a bar legend, everyone knows the Irishman and his honorary two brothers. Then one day he comes in like normal and sits down and says, "Bartender, give me two beers."

The patrons and bartender were shocked until someone asked, "My word, did something awful happen to one of your brothers?!"

And the Irishman responds, "Nah, nuthin like that, I just quit drinkin'!"

Taco Bell serves cofee now

They use real beans.

Michael J Fox was arrested for shoplifting yesterday

Serves him right, trying to steal that tambourine

I'm starting a fusion restaurant that serves gyros made with haggis

I'm calling it "Organ Doner".

My 8 year old today: Who serves the toilet?

The buuttt-lerrr!

How do tennis players decide who serves first?

By having sex... First come first serve

The guy who told me I sucked at tennis puns is failing as a comic.

Serves him right.

What do you call an underwater restaurant that serves cured meats to sharks?

A Sharc-eatery

What do a yoga instructor and a Mexican restaurant that only serves water have in common?

Β‘No mΓ‘s te!

I was over a friend's house and discovered his whole family serves frozen pizza without cooking it.

I chimed in with a "haven't you people ever heard of...cooking a hot DiGiorno?"

I was thinking of opening up a restaurant that only serves burnt pizza

its called Pompie

I love the sight of falling snowflakes

Serves them right for organizing a march on the road I drive to work

So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.

Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says:

-- What, have you never seen a naked woman before?

-- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.

How to make Serves jokes?

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