serves Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious serves puns

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

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A libertarian walks into a bar. . .

The barman serves him tainted alcohol because there are no regulations.

He dies.

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A woman sits down at a bar and asks for a drink.

"I hear you have a drink that is guaranteed to be as good as an orgasm in my mouth or my money back, I'll have one of those."

The Barkeep mixes, stirs, shakes and pours and serves the young lady the drink.

The yound lady takes a sip and spits the drink on the floor.

"Ugh, this is horrible. It's tastes warm, salty, and slimy, I can't believe I put that in my mouth."

"That'll be $10" says the bartender.

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A hunter comes home with a deer and tells his wife to cook it for dinner that night

The hunter's wife obeys and serves it to the family for dinner. Before the children start eating, the wife has them guess what kind of meat it is.

She gives a clue: "It's what I call your father."

The hunter's son pushes away his plate, shouting, "Don't eat it, it's a fucking dick!"

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A lawyer walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.

The pirate smiles and says, "That be the bounty on me head!"

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A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."

The monk then pulls out a pistol from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."

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I held a door open for an Asian guy

and he said "sank you" so i punched him in the face. Serves him right for bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.
PS: Happy 4th of July

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An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.

The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."

The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."

The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"

The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"

The bartender answers, "A rose?"

"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"

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A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-shit out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."

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Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...

The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of rum." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.

The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."

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Which state serves the smallest soft drinks?

Minnesota.

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I work in a restaurant that only serves cannibals.

I'm head chef.

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A farmer's wife is cooking breakfast for the family

The wife serves the farmer's breakfast first, then the farmer's daughter, then a plate for herself, and calls the family down. The farmer's son enters, and sees that he's been given nothing, and he protest, "Where's my eggs? My bacon? My milk?"

The wife replies, "I saw you kick the chickens, earlier so no eggs for a week. I also saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week. And I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week."

Just then the farmer walks in, kicking the cat as he enters. The boy looks to his mother, "should you tell him or should I?"

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Three Valve employees walk into a bar

Three Valve employees walk into a bar and sit down in front of the bartender.

The first employee asked for a pint, and the bartender serves him one graciously.

The second employee asks for two pints, and again the bartender gives him what he wants without question.

The third employee asks for three pints, but this time the bartender doesn't give him what he wants, he only gives him two pints.

The poor lad looks at the bartender and asks him why he didn't get his third pint. The bartender looks at him and says, " You obviously don't work for Valve, they don't do anything more than two".

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"

The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."

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A man walks into a bar and orders three drinks.

The barman serves him and then watches as the man alternates between each drink until all three are empty.

"Why do you drink them in that fashion?" asks the barman.

The man replies "I have two brothers, and they've both recently moved away. One is in Portugal, and the other is in Peru. But we've decided that we should still all drink together once a week, so right now my brothers are doing the exact same thing."

The barman, thinking it a wonderful idea, happily prepares the three drinks week in week out.

Then, one day, the man walks in, picks up two of the drinks, walks slowly to his table, and starts drinking.

The barman instantly knows exactly what this means and approaches the man's table and says "I'm terribly sorry for your loss."

The man replies "Don't worry, my brothers are fine. I just decided to quit drinking."

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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"...

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

-Stephen Wright

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Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"
"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that."
The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor."
"Okay, do you have coke and rum?" The bartender serves him an apple.
"No way.. this tastes like coke!"
"Turn it around" Says the bartender.
"It tastes like rum!" Exclaimed the man.
A second man takes a seat next to the two, hearing the commotion.
"Hey, mate, you have to try this! The bartender can serve you any flavor apple that you can think of!" Says the first man.
"You can't expect me to believe that!" He replies.
"Any flavor." the bartender says.
"Okay, get me a gin and tonic."
He is handed an apple, and upon taking a bite his face lights up. "It tastes like gin!"
"Turn it around" Says the bartender.
"It tastes like tonic! I don't believe it!" he exclaims.
A third man walks over, hearing the commotion. "What's the fuss about?" he asks. All three men who are already seated pipe up about the apples.
"Any flavor, eh? Well... I doubt it. Get me one that tastes like pussy!"
The bartender, as in the previous cases, hands the man an apple.
The man revolts, and nearly throws up. "This tastes like shit!" He shouts.

The bartender replies "Turn it around."

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An old man sets up three beds in his room...

and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.

The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"

and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"

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Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache

Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine

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Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

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A man woke up hungover

He asked his wife what happened last night.
She said angrily: we went to the office party, you got drunker than hell, acted like a complete buffoon, yelled at me and denigrated your own BOSS

Serves him right that little scumbag. Piss on him the man says.

You did, and he fired you.

Screw him! the man yells

The wife says I did, you're back to work on Monday.

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A postman is on his last day at work.

The people on his route all know and like him, and as he does his rounds on his last day people give him cards and little gifts.

When he gets to one house, the door opens and the lady of the house invites him in. She takes him to the table and serves him a beautiful breakfast. Afterwards, she invites him upstairs where she does her all to please him in bed. On his way out, she kisses him goodbye and slips him a dollar.

He says, "Thank you for the breakfast and the amazing sex, but what's this dollar for?"

She says, "When we found out you were retiring, I asked my husband what we should do. He said, 'fuck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

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An elderly couple go to a restaurant

One day, an elderly couple walk into a restaurant.

They sit down and order one meal.

When the waiter serves the meal, the woman splits everything in half and shares it with her husband. The meal, the salad, and the drink.

Intrigued by this strange behavior, the guy sitting next to them asks the couple if he can buy them an extra meal.

The woman tells him that there is no need for that. She explains to him that she and her husband took an oath to share everything they have and split things in half whenever they can.

"Fine" says the man. "But why are you not eating your food? Why are you watching your husband eat instead?".

The woman answers him: As I said, we share everything. We only have one Denture.


^^Denture: ^^Set ^^of ^^false ^^teeth.

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A panda walks into a restaurant

and orders some spaghetti. The waiter is surprised but still serves his order.

The panda eats the spaghetti slowly while reading a dictionary. After he is finished, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and exits the restaurant.

The manager is staggered by the turn of events and moves to check what the panda had left behind. He sees the open page on the dictionary and finds the following definition of 'panda':

"a large bear-like mammal with characteristic black-and-white markings, native to certain mountain forests in China. Eats shoots and leaves."

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I man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and ask for the most expensive drink, after doing that he starts doing shadow boxing, the barman looks at him confused and serves him his drink, after the man finish his drink he ask another one and starts shadow boxing again,the man finish the drink ask another one and starts shadow boxing again, the barman curious ask the man ΒΏwhen is the big fight? and the man says:whenever you want because i don't have any money

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A plus sign, a multiplication sign , and a minus sign walk into a bar.

The bartender serves the multiplication sign first, then he serves the plus sign, and the minus sign from left to right and a bunch of people from Facebook don't know why.

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A tourist goes to a restaurant in Spain

and sees a pair of huge testicles on the counter. He asks the waiter what those are, and the waiter said, "Today, there was a bullfight. These are the balls of the bull. You can eat them."

The man replied, "I would like to!"

"Sorry," the waiter said, "but these balls are already reserved for someone else. Come back tomorrow."

The man does, and the waiter serves him his balls. However, they were very small! He gets angry at the waiter, and asks him about the testicles.

"Well, sometimes the bull wins."

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Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limit."

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This mnemonic joke helps you remember the alphabet...

Acronym


Based


Comedy

Doesn't

Ever

Feel


Good

Honestly,

I

Just

Keep

Lamenting

My

Negative

Opinion,

Perhaps

Questioning

Reality


Serves

The


Universe

Very

Well

...


Xylophone, yak, zebra.

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Three Vampires in a bar

Three vampires walk into a bar.



The first one signals the bartender and says, " I'll take one pint of blood."



The bartender says ok and served him the pint of blood.



The second vampire signals the bartender and says, " I'll take two pints of blood."



The bartender says ok and serves him the two pints of blood.



The third vampire signals the bartender and before he can order the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want three pints of blood."



The vampire says, " No, actually I will just take a cup of hot water."



The bartender looks confused and ask, " Oh ok, but what for?"



The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "Because I have a tea bag"

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Drunk chick walks into a bar...

and she calls over the bartender, and says, "Beertender! Gimme a martooni!"

The bartender patiently gives her a martini, which she disposes of quickly, then yells at him again. "Beertender! Gimme another martooni!"

He rolls his eyes and serves her another. But not ten minutes later, she's hollering across the bar at him again. "Beertender! Gimme another martooni! And give me some antacid; I have terrible heartburn."

The bartender replied, "Listen, lady. One: It's Bartender, not Beertender. Two: It's a martini, not a martooni. And three: You do not have heartburn; your boob is in the ashtray."

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Young guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of whisky

Barman serves them up and watches as the guy starts drinking them methodically, one after another, until he finishes the last one. The barman can't help but ask 'what's all the whisky for son?' so the guy, with his head on the bar, looks up weakly and says 'my first blowjob'. The barman cracks a huge smile, pours another whisky, slides it over the bar and says 'this one's on me son'.

'Thanks, but if twelve won't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think thirteen will'

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What do you do when your sister serves you diseased water?

Cholera bitch

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What are the most funny Serves jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Serves? Well, here are the best Serves dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Serves pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes