Sermons With Jokes

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

A southern minister decides to give a temperance sermon one day

Toward the end of the sermon, he says: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" And most of the congregation nodded their heads in approval.
Even louder, he shouts: "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and said "Amen.
And then finally, he concludes, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" After which the congregation cheered loudly in agreement.
Then, the minister sits down, and it's the song leader's turn to speak. He had been quiet during most of the minister's sermon, but he stands up with a big grin, and says: "There's been a last minute change in today's musical selection. Please turn your hymnal to #318: Let Us Drink from the River."

Fannie Green

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had s**... with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s**... with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

A new priest is about to give his first sermon...

and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.
"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."
"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.
After the mass is over, the new priest walks over to the older priest and asks how he did.
"Well... you did a good job for the most part, except for a few things...
-Don't refer to Jesus and his followers as 'The late JC and the boys',
-Don't call the v**... Mary 'Mary the Cherry',
-The Holy Trinity is not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook',
-There's a taffy-pulling contest and St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's,
-And the drive-through confessional is a good idea, but the sign 'toot and tell or go to h**...' has to go."

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

A visiting preacher in a small town...

is driving around, looking for the town's small church where he will do a community wide sermon. However, he can't seem to find it. As he drove on, he noticed a little boy walking down the side of the road. The preacher pulled over and asked him, "Hello son, what's your name? I need help finding your towns church."
The little boy replied, "Name's Johnny. Take a the next left, go down a block or so, drive past the school, and you'll see the church up on the small hill, sir."
"Why, thank you little Johnny." the preacher replied. Reaching into the glove box, he pulled out a flyer for the sermon. " Say, Johnny, why don't you come over to the sermon at noon today? I will be helping your community look for our savior Jesus Christ."
To which Johnny replied, "Fat chance. You can't even find the church."
(On mobile, sorry for any mistakes)

Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiancé and Iast night.

In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of them for breakfast, lunch or dinner at some point in the next year. With 400 or so families in the town, this is quite the undertaking. He decides to start all the at the outskirts of his Parrish and work his way inward. As he's walking the 7 miles to the O'leary farm, he notices how perfect the soil is, and how bountiful the upcoming harvest will be for the O'leary family. He thinks to himself how blessed by God they are. He comes to the door and tells Seamus O'leary how blessed he has been by God for this farm, and with the help of God he hopes he wakes up everyday thankful for what he has.
To which Seamus replies "Aye, I awake everyday thankful for what I have Fadder, but you should seen the place when just God owned it!"
Tl;dr
My marriage counselor is an agnostic.
EDIT
Title should be and I. I no word good.

The Resurrection

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon.
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that
lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor".

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue

A Preacher, A fiery Sermon and a Hymn

A preacher was winding up a sermon with a tremendous fervour "If I had all the beer in the world, I would take that beer and throw it into the river!"
And the congregation shouted "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world" he continued "I would take that wine and throw it into the river!"
Once again the congregation shouted back in unison "Amen!"
"And if I had all the r**... and whiskey in the world, I would take all of that and throw it ALL into the river"
The congregation cried back "Hallelujah!"
The preacher finished with his sermon, sat back down. The song leader stood up and announced "For our closing song, let us sing hymn number 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River?"

Code Word

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit! "Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen. "From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen. "This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen! "The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week! "

The preacher arrived at church...

...muttering angrily under his breath.
"Goodness, what's wrong?" asked his secretary when he came into the office.
"It's raining like crazy out there," said the preacher, "and I can't find my umbrella! I had it here at the church last week, and I think one of the congregation must have stolen it. Well, I'm not gonna stand for it! This morning I'm gonna give an old-fashioned fire and brimstone sermon reminding them of the fiery fate that awaits sinners! It'll put the fear of God in them! Then I'll recite the Ten Commandments, and when I get to the one about stealing, I guarantee the thief will break down and beg for my forgiveness!"
An hour later, after the service, he came back to the office.
"Did it work?" asked the secretary? "Did the thief confess when you got to the commandment about stealing?"
"No," said the preacher. "When I got to the one about adultery, I remembered where I left my umbrella."

The Walk

I went to a mixed religion seminar.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!
I snapped at him, There's nothing wrong with me
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

The Preacher's Sermon

One Sunday morning, a young, newly-graduated pastor preached his first sermon at the local church, and he felt the message was particularly powerful and compelling. Putting his whole heart into the delivery, he expounded upon the theological viewpoint that was the basis of his message.
After the sermon, the young preacher stood at the door, shaking people's hands as they left. As he shook the hand of elderly Mrs. Smith, who'd been waiting for some time to hear his first sermon, he asked her how she enjoyed the message.
She replied, "Your sermon was like the peace of God... It passeth all understanding."

A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.

His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.
The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it.
St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He turns to God. "I saw that," Peter tells God. "That wind wasn't natural. Why would you help him like that? He should be preaching your word right now, not hitting holes-in-ones."
God shrugs. "Who's he going to tell?"

A new priest....

was extremely nervous about his first sermon in front of the Bishop. An older priest gave him this advice: "take a little of the communion wine. It will relax you."
The young priest, not sure how much he might need, drank until he started to feel relaxed. He got through the service and felt pretty good about his first sermon until he was called into the Bishop's office for a talk.
"First, young man, there are ten commandments, not ten suggestions....
Secondly, we don't refer to the v**... Mary as 'that prissy woman who married Joseph'...
And finally, it's The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit...
Not 'Big Daddy, JC and The Spook'!"

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson

were guest preachers at a nearby
black Houston Church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it
was all about.
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was
because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: By the will of Jesus the Lord All
Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: By the Grace of God, and his Son
Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today.
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my frickin car had
been stolen…

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

A preacher at a church in Chicago...

...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes, he tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It will tie into my sermon" A week quickly passes. The preacher calmly walks the pulpit, looks out and asks "Show of hands, how many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" One person slowly raises their hand. Then another and then another. Soon, everyone has raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me begin my sermon on lying."

A drunk walks into a church.

Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"
The pastor stops his sermon and just stares at him.
Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"
Pastor: "Sir, you are not Jesus. Can you please leave?"
Drunk: "I am. And I can prove it. Follow me!"
The pastor and some church members follow him. He walks down the street a ways, crosses, and enters a bar. The pastor follows.
Drunk: "HEY EVERYBODY!!!"
Bartender: "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?!"

Tommy doesn't want to go to Sunday school

Sunday morning, Tommy tells his mom, "I don't want to go to Sunday school anymore. I want to go to the real service with you and Daddy."
To his surprise, he gets his way. He sits in the main sanctuary for the first time, and he notices a display he hadn't seen before. There's an American flag and a few photographs of men and women in uniform.
After the sermon, he asks his mom what it is. She says, "That's a memorial for some members of our church who died in the service."
Really quietly, Tommy says, "I think I'll go to Sunday school next week."

A man and his best friend, a preacher, are traveling together.

They stop at a vineyard and after the taste testing the preacher comments that one of the wines is the best he's ever tasted. The man, knowing his friend's congregation is particularly conservative, grins and tells the preacher, I'll buy you a case of this wine IF you thank me for it in front of your congregation next Sunday.
The preacher gives it some thought and finally accepts. On Sunday morning before his sermon he stands at the pulpit and says, I'd like to thank my good friend Jeff for the gift of the fine grapes and the excellent spirit in which they were given.

A Priest Dies and Goes to Heaven...

A priest dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says to him, "Welcome to Heaven; for your devout service to God, we have your accommodations ready."
It was a one room shack. His neighbor, a cab driver, had a stately mansion.
Weeks go by, and the priest seeks out St. Peter again. "I don't mean to complain, but I don't understand why my living quarters are sparse, when compared to that of my neighbor."
"Oh, that's simple," said St. Peter. "You put your congregation to sleep with your sermons. The cabbie, on the other hand, made his passengers pray with his driving."

A priest was giving a sermon about temperance.

With great enthusiasm, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river!"
The congregation nodded their approval and shouted "Amen!"
He continued, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
"Amen!" the congregation replied again.
The priest sat down and the music minister announced, "For our closing song, let's sing Hymn 362, 'We Shall Gather At the River'."
"AMEN!" The congregation replied.

@theRiver

A pastor was completing a sermon on abstaining from drinking alcohol.
With great expression, he said, 'If I had all of the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' 
With even greater emphasis, he said, 'And if I had all of the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'
And then finally, he thundered, 'And if I had all of the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'
The church was silent. Not a single congregant made a sound. 
The music leader then stood up hesitantly and said, 'For our closing song, let us sing the hymn Shall We Gather at the River. '

Amen

During  Sermon at a Sunday service , the Pastor  said: "If I had all the Beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".
And the congregation  cried, "Amen! "
"And if I had all the Wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".
And the congregation cried: "Amen!"
"And if I had all the Whiskey and r**... in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river".
Again the congregation cried:  "Amen!"...
The Pastor  sat down.
The Junior  Pastor then stood up and said: "For our closing Hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our Hymn books and sing,  "We shall drink from the river".
The whole Congregation SCREAMED *HALLELUJAH!*