Sermon Jokes
73 sermon jokes and hilarious sermon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sermon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This is a collection of funny jokes about sermons. If you are looking for a good laugh, then check out these jokes about sermons.
Funniest Sermon Short Jokes
Short sermon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sermon humour may include short preached jokes also.
- My church was going to have a sermon on prophecy today... but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
- Minister: "I couldn't help notice that your husband walked out of my sermon this morning." Lady: "Don't take it personally, he's been walking in his sleep for years."
- A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon. All the inmates attend the service.
The preacher opens with
"It brings me joy to see you all here" - I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland. The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.
- Did you hear about the giant flock of crows who attacked and killed hundreds of people in a church during the sermon?
- Sunday morning, a man bursts into church and interrupts the sermon, shouting "It's a miracle! I'm walking! I'm walking!" "What happened?" the preacher asked. "They stole my car" the man replied.
- The sermon on the mount Jesus: "Verily, I tell you: x²+5x+10."
Mark: "Huh? What's the boss talking about?"
John: "Never mind, he's just mixing up parable and parabola again." - A minister started his Children's Sermon with a question. Who knows what the Resurrection is? Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."
- An older pastor gives an unusually long sermon. After the three hour service, he's asked why. I was running very late today and accidentally put my wife's dentures in and couldn't stop talking.
- I got into trouble at church the other day During his sermon, the priest asked, "What does a Bishop do?"
"Moves diagonally" was not the answer he wanted.
Share These Sermon Jokes With Friends
Sermon One Liners
Which sermon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sermon? I can suggest the ones about seminar and preaching priest.
- What do you call a priest's sermon that takes too long? The Reverending Story
- If the Pope cracked a funny during his Sermon Would it cause Mass Hysteria?
- The Tomato Pastor began his sermon to the Salad Congregation "Lettuce pray"
- What do you call a robotic priest? The Sermonator.
- What did the gay pastor say after his sermon? Ah, men.
- How does a pastor with a lisp give a sermon? Spray and pray.
- How did the Japanese Pastor end his sermon? Ramen
- It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
- What did Jesus drink at The Sermon on the Mount? Mountain Jew
Forgiveness Jokes
Here is a list of funny forgiveness jokes and even better forgiveness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
- Forgive me father, priest, preacher, reverend, for I have synonymed.
- Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest. For I have synonymed.
- I asked God for money I later found out that God doesn't work that way.
So I robbed a bank, then asked for forgiveness. - Girl: Daddy, I'm sorry I've been a bad girl Priest: For the last time, it's 'forgive me Father, for I have sinned'.
- I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way... So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.
- When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike. But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
- Punish me daddy,I've been a naughty girl "For the last time ,Brenda, it's 'Forgive me Father,I've sinned' "
- Bad girl! She: I am sorry daddy, I have been a bad girl
Preist: For the last time! It's "Forgive me father for I have sinned"!! - Girls are so amazing. They can forgive you. Even if you're innocent.
Laughter Sermon Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about sermon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gospel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sermon pranks.
Little kid in sunday school
the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; "And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?" To which she replied, "because the old people are sleeping."
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
A preacher is reaching....
...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."
Old couple in church...
An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent f**.... What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."
What do you call a priest giving a long, boring sermon?
An anes-theologist. (close enough)
A nun walks out..
A nun walks out the front door of the church and sees two small boys laying face down in the snow with their pants down. She's asks them
What is it you boys are doing?
They turn and say "you know how father likes to have a couple of cold ones after his sermon"
Did you hear about the choir boys
They were charged with indecent exposure last winter, the cops found them with there p**... in the snow bank when questioned why they responded with "the priest likes a couple cold ones after the sermon"
A priest started his Sunday sermon by saying...
... "Today's sermon is going to be about 'liars'. How many of you have read the 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew? "
Nearly everyone raised their hands.
"You are exactly the people I want speak to. There is no 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew."
The preacher asked the small boy to show him the way to the post office and the boy courteously obliged
"Thank you", the preacher said. "You are a bright and polite young man. How would you like to listen to my sermon this evening so that I may show you the way to Heaven?"
"You're going to show me the way to Heaven?" the boy said in astonishment."But you don't even know the way to the post office!"
A preacher gives a sermon on the 10 Commandments ...
hoping that when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" whoever stole his bike would confess.
No one confessed.
But when he got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" he remembered where he left his bike.
One Sunday morning in church...
... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
Almost all hands in the church went up.
"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."
A drunk walks into a church.
Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"
The pastor stops his sermon and just stares at him.
Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"
Pastor: "Sir, you are not Jesus. Can you please leave?"
Drunk: "I am. And I can prove it. Follow me!"
The pastor and some church members follow him. He walks down the street a ways, crosses, and enters a bar. The pastor follows.
Drunk: "HEY EVERYBODY!!!"
Bartender: "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?!"
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his f**.... A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own f**....
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
Leviticus
One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."
The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?" Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
A pastor cuts his chin while shaving one Sunday morning.
He hurriedly puts a band-aid on and rushes to his church for the 10:00 am service.
Afterwards, a member of the congregation, an older woman, comes up to the pastor and asks, "Excuse me, but what happened to your face?" The pastor replies "I was thinking about my sermon and I cut my chin." The old lady rolls her eyes and says "Maybe you should think about your chin, and cut your sermons."
A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.
After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.
Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?
A man sees two alter boys behind a church sitting on a block of ice.
He says "what are you two doing here sitting on a block of ice?". An alter boy replies "The priest likes a couple of cold ones after a sermon."
I went to a sermon because they said they had free wifi.
But they didn't, I couldn't connect to the promised LAN.
A man comes home from a sermon one day and picks up and carries his wife.
He then proceeds to carry her around the house.
The wife asks, "Did they say something about being romantic?"
The husband replies, "No, they said that we must carry our sorrows and burdens."
A woman walked into a church wearing slippers and a snuggy and started playing on her phone during the sermon.
The preacher called her out for idle worship.
THE SIN OF LYING
A minister told his congregation, Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Ha Ha Ha Haa
Two goats walk into a mosque....
And the priest welcomed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Muhammad Ali to his sermon.
A priest stands up to do his sermon.
He starts. He says "We all called in different ways."
As soon as he says that, the altar server drops the gospel which he was taking away from the lectern. He then shuffles to pick it up and accidentally rips it with his foot and falls over, hitting the tabanacle and spilling the bread and the wine.
The priest continues with his sermon.
He says to the congregation in a solemn tone:
"Some of us are called useless."
A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "
"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers
The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.
The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.
The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!
A priest is up giving a sermon one Sunday morning
The priest tries a experiment. He tells everyone stand up all those who want to go to heaven! And everyone stands up. He then tells them to sit back down. Then he says stand up all those who want to go to h**... and one man stands up, Murphy. So the priest says Murphy why on earth do you want to go to h**...? Murphy replied oh no father, I don't want to go to h**..., I couldn't bear to see ya standing up there by yourself
Write it down it's a good one!
A minister told his congregation:
"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Nearly every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Two old ladies are sitting at church ...
One of the ladies leaned over and whispered "the sermon is so long my b**... fell asleep". Her friend whispered back "I know, I heard it snoring."
This is a joke from 1872
A man said to a preacher, "That was an excellent sermon, but it was not original." The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day the man brought the preacher a dictionary.
A priest was preaching one Sunday.
"The sermon that I'm going to preach today is about honesty"
Everyone nodded.
"Before I begin, I would like all those who have read Matthew chapter 29 verse 15 to raise their hands"
More than half the people raised their hand.
"That is very unfortunate to see as there is only 28 chapters in the book of Matthew"
One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins
After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'm not going to."
The priest smiles and says, "That's good, my son. The part about 'thou shalt not steal' moved you, did it?"
The guy says, "Nope. After that part about adultery, I remember where I left my hat."
A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about
Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".
The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"
A cardiac specialist died and at his f**... the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own f**..." the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
The new priest
A new priest was nervous before his first sermon, so the monseigneur told him to have a bit of a drink before mass to take off the edge.
The new priest took the advice. After the sermon he returned to the rectory to find a note. It read:
Good sermon today, but a few small points:
- There are 10 commandments, not 12
- There are 12 apostles, not 10
- David was struck with a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not "s**... off his a**..."
- Next weekend there's a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's
A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen
He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal
Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.
A man said to a preacher, that it was an excellent sermon but it was not original.
The preacher was taken aback.
The man said he had a book at home, containing every word the preacher said.
The next day, the man brought the preacher a dictionary.
This got me
A preacher says to his congregation Next week I will talk about the sin of lying. To help you understand, I'd like all of you to read Mark 17.
The next Sunday, the preacher asks who'd read it, with every hand going up. He smiles and says Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen
And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.
"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".
After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who the thief was?
"Well, as it happened, when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I'd left it"
I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy's who has the exact same one
I figured he'd never suspect me…
The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..
I said I have to be honest…
I just came today specifically to take my buddy's hat…
So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one about … Thou shalt not steal… you probably had second thoughts
No - Actually, when you got to the part about adultery…
I remembered where I left my hat…
Lying
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
A parishioner compliments the minister after a sermon, saying, "Reverend, your words today were akin to the peace and love of God."
"Thank you," responds the minister, "Why do you say that?"
The parishioner explains, " Because the peace of God passes all understanding, and the love of God endures forever."