Sermon Jokes
72 sermon jokes and hilarious sermon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sermon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This is a collection of funny jokes about sermons. If you are looking for a good laugh, then check out these jokes about sermons.
Funniest Sermon Short Jokes
Short sermon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sermon humour may include short preached jokes also.
- My church was going to have a sermon on prophecy today... but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
- Minister: "I couldn't help notice that your husband walked out of my sermon this morning." Lady: "Don't take it personally, he's been walking in his sleep for years."
- A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon. All the inmates attend the service.
The preacher opens with
"It brings me joy to see you all here" - I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland. The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.
- Did you hear about the giant flock of crows who attacked and killed hundreds of people in a church during the sermon?
- Sunday morning, a man bursts into church and interrupts the sermon, shouting "It's a miracle! I'm walking! I'm walking!" "What happened?" the preacher asked. "They stole my car" the man replied.
- The sermon on the mount Jesus: "Verily, I tell you: x²+5x+10."
Mark: "Huh? What's the boss talking about?"
John: "Never mind, he's just mixing up parable and parabola again." - An older pastor gives an unusually long sermon. After the three hour service, he's asked why. I was running very late today and accidentally put my wife's dentures in and couldn't stop talking.
- A woman walked into a church wearing slippers and a snuggy and started playing on her phone during the sermon. The preacher called her out for idle worship.
- I went to a sermon because they said they had free wifi. But they didn't, I couldn't connect to the promised LAN.
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Sermon One Liners
Which sermon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sermon? I can suggest the ones about seminar and preaching priest.
- What do you call a priest's sermon that takes too long? The Reverending Story
- If the Pope cracked a funny during his Sermon Would it cause Mass Hysteria?
- The Tomato Pastor began his sermon to the Salad Congregation "Lettuce pray"
- What do you call a robotic priest? The Sermonator.
- How does a pastor with a lisp give a sermon? Spray and pray.
- How did the Japanese Pastor end his sermon? Ramen
- It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
- What did Jesus drink at The Sermon on the Mount? Mountain Jew
Forgiveness Jokes
Here is a list of funny forgiveness jokes and even better forgiveness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
- Forgive me father, priest, preacher, reverend, for I have synonymed.
- I asked God for money I later found out that God doesn't work that way.
So I robbed a bank, then asked for forgiveness. - Girl: Daddy, I'm sorry I've been a bad girl Priest: For the last time, it's 'forgive me Father, for I have sinned'.
- Girls are so amazing. They can forgive you. Even if you're innocent.
- I let my brother name my twins. He did fine with my daughter, Denise. But my son may never forgive him for naming him Denephew.
- What did the nervous spider say to the audience? "Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- A woman goes to confession... The priest says to her "For the last time Becky it's forgive me father for I have sinned." "Not punish me daddy I've been a bad girl."
- Little Johnny When I was a boy, I prayed, and prayed, for a bike but never got one. Then I realized that God don't work that way. So I stole a bike, then asked for forgiveness.
Laughter Sermon Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about sermon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gospel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sermon pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new priest is about to give his first sermon...
and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.
"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."
"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.
After the mass is over, the new priest walks over to the older priest and asks how he did.
"Well... you did a good job for the most part, except for a few things...
-Don't refer to Jesus and his followers as 'The late JC and the boys',
-Don't call the v**... Mary 'Mary the Cherry',
-The Holy Trinity is not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook',
-There's a taffy-pulling contest and St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's,
-And the drive-through confessional is a good idea, but the sign 'toot and tell or go to h**...' has to go."
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
Boys bragging about their Fathers
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A preacher is reaching....
...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."
A visiting preacher in a small town...
is driving around, looking for the town's small church where he will do a community wide sermon. However, he can't seem to find it. As he drove on, he noticed a little boy walking down the side of the road. The preacher pulled over and asked him, "Hello son, what's your name? I need help finding your towns church."
The little boy replied, "Name's Johnny. Take a the next left, go down a block or so, drive past the school, and you'll see the church up on the small hill, sir."
"Why, thank you little Johnny." the preacher replied. Reaching into the glove box, he pulled out a flyer for the sermon. " Say, Johnny, why don't you come over to the sermon at noon today? I will be helping your community look for our savior Jesus Christ."
To which Johnny replied, "Fat chance. You can't even find the church."
(On mobile, sorry for any mistakes)
Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiancé and Iast night.
In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of them for breakfast, lunch or dinner at some point in the next year. With 400 or so families in the town, this is quite the undertaking. He decides to start all the at the outskirts of his Parrish and work his way inward. As he's walking the 7 miles to the O'leary farm, he notices how perfect the soil is, and how bountiful the upcoming harvest will be for the O'leary family. He thinks to himself how blessed by God they are. He comes to the door and tells Seamus O'leary how blessed he has been by God for this farm, and with the help of God he hopes he wakes up everyday thankful for what he has.
To which Seamus replies "Aye, I awake everyday thankful for what I have Fadder, but you should seen the place when just God owned it!"
Tl;dr
My marriage counselor is an agnostic.
EDIT
Title should be and I. I no word good.
The Resurrection
While the priest was presenting a children's sermon.
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that
lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor".
It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue
Code Word
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit! "Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen. "From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen. "This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen! "The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week! "
The Preacher's Sermon
One Sunday morning, a young, newly-graduated pastor preached his first sermon at the local church, and he felt the message was particularly powerful and compelling. Putting his whole heart into the delivery, he expounded upon the theological viewpoint that was the basis of his message.
After the sermon, the young preacher stood at the door, shaking people's hands as they left. As he shook the hand of elderly Mrs. Smith, who'd been waiting for some time to hear his first sermon, he asked her how she enjoyed the message.
She replied, "Your sermon was like the peace of God... It passeth all understanding."
A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.
His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.
The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it.
St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He turns to God. "I saw that," Peter tells God. "That wind wasn't natural. Why would you help him like that? He should be preaching your word right now, not hitting holes-in-ones."
God shrugs. "Who's he going to tell?"
What do you call a priest giving a long, boring sermon?
An anes-theologist. (close enough)
A nun walks out..
A nun walks out the front door of the church and sees two small boys laying face down in the snow with their pants down. She's asks them
What is it you boys are doing?
They turn and say "you know how father likes to have a couple of cold ones after his sermon"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the choir boys
They were charged with indecent exposure last winter, the cops found them with there p**... in the snow bank when questioned why they responded with "the priest likes a couple cold ones after the sermon"
A priest started his Sunday sermon by saying...
... "Today's sermon is going to be about 'liars'. How many of you have read the 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew? "
Nearly everyone raised their hands.
"You are exactly the people I want speak to. There is no 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew."
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
The preacher asked the small boy to show him the way to the post office and the boy courteously obliged
"Thank you", the preacher said. "You are a bright and polite young man. How would you like to listen to my sermon this evening so that I may show you the way to Heaven?"
"You're going to show me the way to Heaven?" the boy said in astonishment."But you don't even know the way to the post office!"
A preacher at a church in Chicago...
...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes, he tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It will tie into my sermon" A week quickly passes. The preacher calmly walks the pulpit, looks out and asks "Show of hands, how many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" One person slowly raises their hand. Then another and then another. Soon, everyone has raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me begin my sermon on lying."
Tommy doesn't want to go to Sunday school
Sunday morning, Tommy tells his mom, "I don't want to go to Sunday school anymore. I want to go to the real service with you and Daddy."
To his surprise, he gets his way. He sits in the main sanctuary for the first time, and he notices a display he hadn't seen before. There's an American flag and a few photographs of men and women in uniform.
After the sermon, he asks his mom what it is. She says, "That's a memorial for some members of our church who died in the service."
Really quietly, Tommy says, "I think I'll go to Sunday school next week."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pastor cuts his chin while shaving one Sunday morning.
He hurriedly puts a band-aid on and rushes to his church for the 10:00 am service.
Afterwards, a member of the congregation, an older woman, comes up to the pastor and asks, "Excuse me, but what happened to your face?" The pastor replies "I was thinking about my sermon and I cut my chin." The old lady rolls her eyes and says "Maybe you should think about your chin, and cut your sermons."
A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.
After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.
Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?
A man sees two alter boys behind a church sitting on a block of ice.
He says "what are you two doing here sitting on a block of ice?". An alter boy replies "The priest likes a couple of cold ones after a sermon."
A man comes home from a sermon one day and picks up and carries his wife.
He then proceeds to carry her around the house.
The wife asks, "Did they say something about being romantic?"
The husband replies, "No, they said that we must carry our sorrows and burdens."
A priest was giving a sermon about temperance.
With great enthusiasm, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river!"
The congregation nodded their approval and shouted "Amen!"
He continued, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
"Amen!" the congregation replied again.
The priest sat down and the music minister announced, "For our closing song, let's sing Hymn 362, 'We Shall Gather At the River'."
"AMEN!" The congregation replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Amen
During Sermon at a Sunday service , the Pastor said: "If I had all the Beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen! "
"And if I had all the Wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".
And the congregation cried: "Amen!"
"And if I had all the Whiskey and r**... in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river".
Again the congregation cried: "Amen!"...
The Pastor sat down.
The Junior Pastor then stood up and said: "For our closing Hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our Hymn books and sing, "We shall drink from the river".
The whole Congregation SCREAMED *HALLELUJAH!*
Two goats walk into a mosque....
And the priest welcomed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Muhammad Ali to his sermon.
A priest stands up to do his sermon.
He starts. He says "We all called in different ways."
As soon as he says that, the altar server drops the gospel which he was taking away from the lectern. He then shuffles to pick it up and accidentally rips it with his foot and falls over, hitting the tabanacle and spilling the bread and the wine.
The priest continues with his sermon.
He says to the congregation in a solemn tone:
"Some of us are called useless."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During Sunday service, a pastor announces he is doing a children's sermon this week and invites all the kids to come to the front.
One little girl was wearing a lovely pink dress. As she sat down, the pastor complimented it and asked if it was her Easter Dress.
Leaning right into the pastor's clip-on microphone, she replied, "Yes, but my mama calls it her b**...-to-Iron dress.
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers
The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.
The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.
The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!
A church joke in honor of Sunday
In the middle of a sermon, a man in the congregation got up and walked outside.
The wife went running up to the pastor after the sermon to apologize for her husband's rude behavior.
The pastor thanked her for the apology and said he had noticed her husband's strange behavior and was worried he had said something offensive or if there was a family emergency he should offer prayer for.
The wife replied, "Oh, no, Pastor. Not at all! You see, my husband has always had a problem with sleep walking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest is up giving a sermon one Sunday morning
The priest tries a experiment. He tells everyone stand up all those who want to go to heaven! And everyone stands up. He then tells them to sit back down. Then he says stand up all those who want to go to h**... and one man stands up, Murphy. So the priest says Murphy why on earth do you want to go to h**...? Murphy replied oh no father, I don't want to go to h**..., I couldn't bear to see ya standing up there by yourself
Write it down it's a good one!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies are sitting at church ...
One of the ladies leaned over and whispered "the sermon is so long my b**... fell asleep". Her friend whispered back "I know, I heard it snoring."
This is a joke from 1872
A man said to a preacher, "That was an excellent sermon, but it was not original." The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day the man brought the preacher a dictionary.
One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins
After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'm not going to."
The priest smiles and says, "That's good, my son. The part about 'thou shalt not steal' moved you, did it?"
The guy says, "Nope. After that part about adultery, I remember where I left my hat."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The new priest
A new priest was nervous before his first sermon, so the monseigneur told him to have a bit of a drink before mass to take off the edge.
The new priest took the advice. After the sermon he returned to the rectory to find a note. It read:
Good sermon today, but a few small points:
- There are 10 commandments, not 12
- There are 12 apostles, not 10
- David was struck with a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not "s**... off his a**..."
- Next weekend there's a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's
A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen
He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal
Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.
I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy's who has the exact same one
I figured he'd never suspect me…
The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..
I said I have to be honest…
I just came today specifically to take my buddy's hat…
So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one about … Thou shalt not steal… you probably had second thoughts
No - Actually, when you got to the part about adultery…
I remembered where I left my hat…
Lying
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
A parishioner compliments the minister after a sermon, saying, "Reverend, your words today were akin to the peace and love of God."
"Thank you," responds the minister, "Why do you say that?"
The parishioner explains, " Because the peace of God passes all understanding, and the love of God endures forever."
