The Best 44 Sermon Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Sermon jokes. There are some sermon eulogy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these sermon confessions puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Sermon Jokes and Puns

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

My church was going to have a sermon on prophecy today...

but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Little kid in sunday school

the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; "And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?" To which she replied, "because the old people are sleeping."

Sermon joke, Little kid in sunday school

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."


Old couple in church...

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon.

All the inmates attend the service.
The preacher opens with

"It brings me joy to see you all here"

Sermon joke, A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon.

What do you call a priest giving a long, boring sermon?

An anes-theologist. (close enough)

A nun walks out..

A nun walks out the front door of the church and sees two small boys laying face down in the snow with their pants down. She's asks them
What is it you boys are doing?

They turn and say "you know how father likes to have a couple of cold ones after his sermon"

What do you call a priest's sermon that takes too long?

The Reverending Story

Did you hear about the choir boys

They were charged with indecent exposure last winter, the cops found them with there penises in the snow bank when questioned why they responded with "the priest likes a couple cold ones after the sermon"

You can explore sermon parishioner reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sermon pastor dad jokes. There are also sermon puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A priest started his Sunday sermon by saying...

... "Today's sermon is going to be about 'liars'. How many of you have read the 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew? "

Nearly everyone raised their hands.

"You are exactly the people I want speak to. There is no 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew."

Sunday morning, a man bursts into church and interrupts the sermon, shouting "It's a miracle! I'm walking! I'm walking!" "What happened?" the preacher asked.

"They stole my car" the man replied.

The Tomato Pastor began his sermon to the Salad Congregation

"Lettuce pray"

The preacher asked the small boy to show him the way to the post office and the boy courteously obliged

"Thank you", the preacher said. "You are a bright and polite young man. How would you like to listen to my sermon this evening so that I may show you the way to Heaven?"

"You're going to show me the way to Heaven?" the boy said in astonishment."But you don't even know the way to the post office!"

A preacher gives a sermon on the 10 Commandments ...

hoping that when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" whoever stole his bike would confess.

No one confessed.

But when he got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" he remembered where he left his bike.

Sermon joke, A preacher gives a sermon on the 10 Commandments ...

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

How did the Japanese Pastor end his sermon?

Ramen

A drunk walks into a church.

Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"

The pastor stops his sermon and just stares at him.

Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"

Pastor: "Sir, you are not Jesus. Can you please leave?"

Drunk: "I am. And I can prove it. Follow me!"

The pastor and some church members follow him. He walks down the street a ways, crosses, and enters a bar. The pastor follows.

Drunk: "HEY EVERYBODY!!!"

Bartender: "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?!"


A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm aΒ gynecologist.

Leviticus

One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."

The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?" Every hand went up.

Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A pastor cuts his chin while shaving one Sunday morning.

He hurriedly puts a band-aid on and rushes to his church for the 10:00 am service.

Afterwards, a member of the congregation, an older woman, comes up to the pastor and asks, "Excuse me, but what happened to your face?" The pastor replies "I was thinking about my sermon and I cut my chin." The old lady rolls her eyes and says "Maybe you should think about your chin, and cut your sermons."

A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.

After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.

Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?

A man sees two alter boys behind a church sitting on a block of ice.

He says "what are you two doing here sitting on a block of ice?". An alter boy replies "The priest likes a couple of cold ones after a sermon."

I went to a sermon because they said they had free wifi.

But they didn't, I couldn't connect to the promised LAN.

A man comes home from a sermon one day and picks up and carries his wife.

He then proceeds to carry her around the house.

The wife asks, "Did they say something about being romantic?"

The husband replies, "No, they said that we must carry our sorrows and burdens."

How does a pastor with a lisp give a sermon?

Spray and pray.

A woman walked into a church wearing slippers and a snuggy and started playing on her phone during the sermon.

The preacher called her out for idle worship.

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Ha Ha Ha Haa

Did you hear about the giant flock of crows who attacked and killed hundreds of people in a church during the sermon?

What did the gay pastor say after his sermon?

Ah, men.

An older pastor gives an unusually long sermon.

After the three hour service, he's asked why. I was running very late today and accidentally put my wife's dentures in and couldn't stop talking.

Two goats walk into a mosque....

And the priest welcomed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Muhammad Ali to his sermon.

A priest stands up to do his sermon.

He starts. He says "We all called in different ways."

As soon as he says that, the altar server drops the gospel which he was taking away from the lectern. He then shuffles to pick it up and accidentally rips it with his foot and falls over, hitting the tabanacle and spilling the bread and the wine.

The priest continues with his sermon.

He says to the congregation in a solemn tone:

"Some of us are called useless."

A minister started his Children's Sermon with a question. Who knows what the Resurrection is?

Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."

During Sunday service, a pastor announces he is doing a children's sermon this week and invites all the kids to come to the front.

One little girl was wearing a lovely pink dress. As she sat down, the pastor complimented it and asked if it was her Easter Dress.

Leaning right into the pastor's clip-on microphone, she replied, "Yes, but my mama calls it her Bitch-to-Iron dress.

A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "

"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers

The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.

The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.

The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!

A priest is up giving a sermon one Sunday morning

The priest tries a experiment. He tells everyone stand up all those who want to go to heaven! And everyone stands up. He then tells them to sit back down. Then he says stand up all those who want to go to hell and one man stands up, Murphy. So the priest says Murphy why on earth do you want to go to hell? Murphy replied oh no father, I don't want to go to hell, I couldn't bear to see ya standing up there by yourself

Write it down it's a good one!

The sermon on the mount

Jesus: "Verily, I tell you: xΒ²+5x+10."

Mark: "Huh? What's the boss talking about?"

John: "Never mind, he's just mixing up parable and parabola again."

A minister told his congregation:

"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Nearly every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Two old ladies are sitting at church ...

One of the ladies leaned over and whispered "the sermon is so long my butt fell asleep". Her friend whispered back "I know, I heard it snoring."

I got into trouble at church the other day

During his sermon, the priest asked, "What does a Bishop do?"

"Moves diagonally" was not the answer he wanted.

This is a joke from 1872

A man said to a preacher, "That was an excellent sermon, but it was not original." The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day the man brought the preacher a dictionary.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the sermon leviticus jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working sermon damn good sermon piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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