Sergeant Jokes
102 sergeant jokes and hilarious sergeant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sergeant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Sergeant jokes are the funniest way to make light of service in the military. From poking fun at the Sergeant Major to the Colonel, these humorous jokes and stories will make any military fan chuckle. Read funny stories from the drill sergeant, first sergeant, master sergeant, corporal, and platoon.
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Funniest Sergeant Short Jokes
Short sergeant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sergeant humour may include short soldier jokes also.
- Sergeant: Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today! Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!
- Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open? Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.
- Camouflage training The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir." - Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad? He wanted to say he had large privates.
- My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants Now I just play with my privates.
- Camoflage practice A sergeant was addressing his soldiers:
"Mark, I didn't see you at camouflage practice this morning"
To which Mark replied, "Thank you, sir!" - In the Army Sergeant: "Private Ryan, I didn't see you at camouflage training yesterday!
Private: "Thank you, sergeant. - A sergeant and two men from his unit walk into a bar 'Would you like to play pool?' The sergeant asked the attractive barmaid.
'No thanks darling' she replies. 'I'd rather play with your privates.' - why did so many black people die in the Vietnam war? every time the sergeant shouted GET DOWN! they all started dancing
- Why did the drill sergeant get a dishonorable discharge? He couldn't keep his hands off his privates
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Sergeant One Liners
Which sergeant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sergeant? I can suggest the ones about officer and lieutenant.
- What was the drill sergeant's favorite month? MARCH!
- My Sergeant told us to "fire at will"... It's kind of a shame. I liked that guy.
- What did the sergeant say to the corporal? I need to see your privates.
- What do you get if you cross a dentist and a soldier? A Drill Sergeant
- Why did the carpenter join the army? Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant
- Do Sergeants believe in Corporal punishment... Or is that a Private matter ?
- Why does an octopus make a great drill sergeant? Because it's arm-y.
- Why did the drill sergeant like playing tetris? He liked to order things into lines
- No sergeants allowed It's a Private party.
- My granddad had the most boring job in the Army... He was a Drill Sergeant.
- I met a Muslim biker once... He was the Sergeant at harams
- How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
They both wear stripes. - A sergeant and a colonel walk into a bar. Spelling teachers run out in tears.
- What did the North-European sergeant say to his soldiers? Finnish them
- Why are sergeants so successful in physical contests? Three stripes, you rout.
Drill Sergeant Jokes
Here is a list of funny drill sergeant jokes and even better drill sergeant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Australian in the US army A drill sergeant is yell at an Australian private.
Officer: did you come here to die!!!
Private: no sir I came here yesterday.
(Must say in Australian accent.) - In a fight with the drill sergeant from "Full Metal Jacket," I'm afraid Chuck would gracefully decline to fight.
First Sergeant Jokes
Here is a list of funny first sergeant jokes and even better first sergeant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Swedish recruit goes in to the Supply Sergeant for his first weapons issue: *" Hallo, my name is Hans ... where are my arms? "*
Cheeky Sergeant Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about sergeant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soldier guy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sergeant pranks.
Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato?
A: "You better catch up!"
No problems
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did so many b**... die in Iraq?
Because when the sergeant said, "Get down!", they all started dancing.
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Exception to the rule
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One soldier
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
A Detective is in a room questioning a suspect
After a while, he comes out of the room and talks to the police sergeant there with him, "Well, I've asked him just about every question in the book. 'Where were you last night?', 'What were you doing?', 'Who were you with?', everything."
The sergeant asks, "Well have you gotten a confession out of him?"
The detective says, "Not exactly. He keeps saying 'Yes dear' and dozing off."
Fatherhood
A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.
ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...
Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the gay drill sergeant say to the new recruit?
*DROP AND GIVE ME HEAD!*
I was in the army once...
I was in the army once and the sergeant said to me; "What does surrender mean?"
I said; "I give up"
A drill sergeant and his cadet..
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
2 beat cops call the crime branch on phone
Hello! Crime branch?
Yes.
This is sergeant John. We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir! The floor is still wet!
What to do with a child soldier
lower your aim.
someone i met who is in the army told me this is what his sergeant told them, he didnt intend it as a joke.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.
So he calls the police to inform them.
A c**... sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My sergeant just told me this...
Im going to get an old car, take a sledge hammer to the back bumper repeatedly , then get a bumper sticker that says "I brake for tailgaters."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men and two women are on a train.
There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *s**...!* and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"
A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon...
A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon.
He is walking up and down the line of men, complementing, or insulting the men on their work in the field that day.
Finally, he reaches a private at the end of the line.
In a gruff voice, he yells "PRIVATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY."
Without being able to finish his sentence, the private interrupts his superior saying, "THANK YOU, SIR."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night
A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night and discovers a private sneaking back into the barracks.
Sergeant: Private! What are you doing?
Private: Trying to sleep, sir!
Sergeant: You look like you just had s**..., boy. When did you last have s**...?
Private: 2010, sir!
Sergeant: 2010? That's a long time, son.
Private: Not really, sir! It's only 2045 right now.
I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The sergeant commanded: "Fire at will!"
Will ended up riddled.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the cop do when his Sergeant did not grant him the vacation he requested?
Shot a black man.
British soldiers call their issued rifles "the sergeant"
It doesn't work and it can't be fired
A sergeant in front of the line of soldiers
"Anyone good at music?"
Two soldiers striped out of the line.
"Alright, drag the piano in the 3rd floor"
President Clinton shows up to Air Force One
President Clinton shows up to Air Force One with a pig under each arm.
The Marine sergeant, salutes him and shouts: "Nice pigs, sir"
Clinton looks at him and says: "I'll have you know these are genuine Arkansas razorbacks! I got one for Chelsea and one for Hillary. What do you think about that?"
The sergeant salutes again and shouts: "Nice trade, sir."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A telecoms engineer joins the army...
On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said...
" I have a nice eaaasy job for the laziest man here, put up your hand if you are the leaziest "
24 men raised their hands. And the sergeant asked the other man :
" Why didn't you raise your hand ?"
the man replied : " Too much trouble raising the hand, Serg ! "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to e**... new recruits to the mess hall.
After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!
Eat up!
Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Pregnant With Doubt
When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.
The sergeant's reply: Completely, sir.
Why were so many soldiers killed in the 70s?
Because when their Sergeants said to "get down," they all got up and started dancing.
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
A man walks into a police station to report the disappearance of his wife...
After taking down the details, the sergeant says, *"Don't worry sir, we'll find her. Is there any message you want us to give her?"*
*"Just one,"* he replied. *"Please tell her my mother decided not to come after all!"*
Ukrainian Police joke
Cop asks his sergeant:
\- So, why did you not become commissioner?
\- You know, I wasn't smart enough.
\- Strange. That's usually a plus.
Some cavalry soldiers are pinned down by a bunch of Indians.
The Major yells to the Sergeant, "Sergeant, I don't like the sound of those drums!" one of the Indians hollers, "He's not our regular drummer!"
Sergeant: 'Are we any closer to solving the case of the missing dog-walker?'
Detective: 'Well I've got a lead but nothing else has turned up'
Why did the Sergeant of the new army recruits, regret buying his own leg insurance?
Because it doesn't cover damage to the private's parts.
A cop tells his sergeant, "Wow, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"
"Oh, so you have arrested her then?" The sergeant asked.
"No, not yet. The floor is still wet."
Why were so many black people killed in the Vietnam War?
Because when the Sergeant told everyone to get down, they all got up and started dancing.
Murphy's Car Is Stolen
Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked. 'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.
In the Military bootcamp
Soldier: SIR WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN STEPPING ON A MINE?
Sergeant: Easy jump 10 meters in the Air and distribute yourself evenly in a radius of 15 meters
A sergeant is talking to a soldier...
Sergeant: Soldier, your plan was very good, but the execution-
Soldier: There was an execution?
A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?
One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base.
The drill sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out!"
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Sergeant told me I'm guilty of insubordination.
I'm not going to listen to that a**....
Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink.
So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead.
I think they're trying to PIN something on me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just before a r**... had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him,
"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary c**.... After you land, our truck will pick you up."
The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.
He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened.
As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, "I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"
The Drill Sergeant
A drill sergeant runs his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on. As they stand there, exhausted, he puts his face right up to one recruit's face and says, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and pee on my grave, aren't you?"
The recruit responds, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again."
Bobby joins the military.
Recruitment sergeant: what would you like to achieve?
Bobby: I want to be a general after 2 years.
Recruitment sergeant: are you insane?
Bobby: is that required?
K-9 Names
Working in the city we work hand in hand with the city police.
So the other day I saw the Sergeant walking 2 new K-9s. I asked her their names and she points to 1 and says this is Rolex and this pointing to the other dog is Timex.
Now I thought that was strange so I said don't you think that's strange names for dogs?
She said no they are watch dogs.
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. I have an interesting case here, he says. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped. Have you arrested her? asks the sergeant. No, not yet. The floor's still wet.
A squad of potatoes is engaged in a firefight after being sent to secure several important roads...
Gunfire and explosions are raining down on the group of potatoes until it's only the sergeant on his radio and a couple of others standing over the crispy skins of their fallen comrades. The General's voice suddenly blares from the radio...
"Sergeant, come in! What is your status, are the routes safe?"
"NO SIR, THE ROOTS ARE NOT SAFE - AND WE'RE DROPPING LIKE FRIES!"
Education
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive. "I asked, "What's the difference? "He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education. "
So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.
He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.
So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"
The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on your desk.'"
