separated Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious separated stories

What are the best Separated puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Separated? Well here is a complete list of Separated to have fun with:

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

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Two identical twins separated at birth...

... And are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series of coincidences they had found eachother and had tracked down their address. Enclosed was a picture of Juan smiling happily with his adoptive Mexican parents.
"Oh" the mother says to her husband. "he's so handsome! And seems so happy! I wish I knew what his brother looks like."
"Honey" said her husband "They're twins, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Hamal."

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Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other?

They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. "Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!" "Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil. "I'll sue you if I have to," answered God. "Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

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Arab kid in a supermarket

An Arab kid and his mother are going shopping when the two get separated. After a few minutes of looking, the kid gets scared and goes to customer service.
The kid says "help, I can't find my mom."
The person in the front says "OK, what does your mom look like?"
To which the kid responds "I have no fucking clue!"

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I hurt my foot a few days ago

Tripped over the stairs and partially separated my left big toenail. It's getting better, but it still hurts a fair bit.

Yesterday I was walking to class with a female friend of mine who's a cell biology major. I hadn't told her yet about what happened, so eventually she said "So why are you limping, anyway?"

I turned to her, looked her straight in the face, and without missing a beat, I said:

"My toe, sis!"

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Teacher: Glucose and fructose were separated across an impermeable membrane

Student: Sucrose yet so far

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A bull named Hannibal

A bull named Hannibal had a crush on a smoking hot cow named Hilda, but there was a problem. They were separated with a fence of barbed wire. Hannibal knew that Hilda wanted him as much as he wanted her, and each passing day that Hannibal looked at the flirtatious manner with which Hilda strutted around the pasture Hannibal grew hornier and hornier, so one day Hannibal decided to try and jump over the barbed wire fence.

He jumped over the fence and immediately Hilda came running to him. "Oh, Hannibal! Take me right now!" Hilda exclaimed, to which Hannibal replied, "Just call me Hanni, the fence took my balls."


(Sorry for any grammatical mistakes, I'm tired and English isn't my first language.)

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3 guys get separated from their tour group on a african safari NSFW

3 guys get separated from their tour group while on a African safari. They are wondering around the jungle when they are captured by a tribe. They are held captive in this hut for a couple of hours until being transported to the tribe's main congregation area where they do their festivities.

The chief walks up to first guy and says, "Death or Ooga Booga?" The man doesn't want to die so he decides Ooga Booga. The chief looks at the crowd and yells, "Ooga Booga!" The village goes crazy and the chief bends the guy over and bangs him in the ass.

The chief then goes to the second guy and says, "Death or Ooga Booga?" Upon seeing this horrible sight he decides being raped is better than dying and says ooga booga. The crowd goes crazy, the chief bends him over, and has his way with him.

The chief approaches the final guy and asks him the same question. He decides he'd rather die after seeing what happened to his friends. The chief looks at the tribe and yells, "DEATH!.....BY OOGA BOOGA!"

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Once upon a time, a boy and girl were falling in love...

And then, they were separated for a moment by a distance..And they became a couple.

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What did David Lee Roth say when he achieved total consciousness and his mind separated into an ethereal plane of existence?‏

IIIIIIIII AIN'T GOT NO BODY

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At Chickfila we keep our pickles separated...

Just like God intended.

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George Washington was at a presidential dinner party...

...with his wife. They got separated and after awhile, George went looking for her. He saw Abraham Lincoln and asked if he'd seen her. Honest Abe hadn't, but promised to help George look. After a while, Abe saw George standing over with his wife. He went over to talk to them and said, "Founder, eh?"

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Newlyweds on a train.

A pair of newlyweds are taking an overnight train to Chicago, and they're each on a top bunk, separated by the aisle.

In the middle of the night, the husband hisses, "baby! Baby, why don't you come on over here!"

The girl giggles, "oh, but how can I get all the way over there?"

The man says, "ahhh, well...I got somethin' pretty firm that you can walk over on!"

And a voice from the bunk below them says, "yeah, but how's she gonna get *back?*"

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The Trids and the Troads

There are two towns separated by a mountain: one is the home of the Trids, the other of the Troads. Everyday a dragon comes down from the mountain to the Trid town to kick all of the residents. Literally. It kicks every person until no one is left standing.

One day a rabbi visits the Troads in order to help the cause, but to no avail (they're not the dragon's targets). Confused, the rabbi asks them why he can't help. The leader of the Troads says "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

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Identical twins were put up for adoption and separated at birth...

...20 years later, their biological parents decided to find and meet them.

After many hours of research, they discovered that one child had been adopted by a middle-eastern family and had been named Amal Allamedan, while the other boy had been adopted by a family in Chile and had been named Juan Cerejo.

They set out to meet their son in Chile first. After meeting with him and having a wonderful time, the mother was ready to go meet her other son, but her husband disagreed.

When she asked why they couldn't go see him, he replied, "Well, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

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My wife is so stupid...

She thought that I was a racist because I separated my whites from my colors.

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A Married Couple just separated...

A married couple were just going through separation, and John was at the pub sharing his troubles, when his mate, Ted comes in he tells all.

"I have no idea what was wrong, I can't fathom any reason why she would do this to me, I was just coming home early from work and I caught her, of all things having sex with that fucking dog I bought last week"

Ted "Well that's what you get for marrying one of those girls, always fucking a man's best friend."

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Two middle aged men join a hunting club....

They meet the oldest member of the club and ask him to tell a story. The old man begins, "I remember one time we were out on safari and I got separated from the group. As I was making my way back to camp, I found myself confronted by one of the largest lions I've ever seen. When he caught sight of me, he let out this gigantic ROOOOWWWRRR, and i just shit my pants." One of the middle aged men spoke up and said "well that's understandable, a lion jumps out at me I'd would just shit myself too" The other man nods in accordance. The old man looks confused and says "No, not then. Right now when I said ROOOOWWWRR!

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best separated jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty separated gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these separated jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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