Separated Jokes

What are some Separated jokes?

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

[Star Wars spoiler] What did Han....

Tell Leia after they separated?


*May Divorce be with you.*

My mother and father separated last year

My mother and father separated last year and my father recently started seeing someone and it's been very hard for me. There are two major issues I have with his new partner.

He's black.

A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...

We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.

We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the brown ones, and threw them in the trash.

"What was that about?" I asked as she returned to her seat.

She smiled and replied "Oh, I'm allergic to chocolate so I always throw the chocolate flavored ones away."

Two twins were separated at birth

One of them lived in Cuba, and was named Juan. The other lived in Egypt, and was named Jamal.
10 years after their birth, their birth mother was sent a picture of one of the twins. "I wish I could see the other one," she said. The adoption mother then said,
" If you've seen juan, you've seen jamal."

My parents taught me from birth that the coloreds and the whites should be separated.

I mean, that's just basic laundry.

Identical twins were put up for adoption and separated at birth...

...20 years later, their biological parents decided to find and meet them.

After many hours of research, they discovered that one child had been adopted by a middle-eastern family and had been named Amal Allamedan, while the other boy had been adopted by a family in Chile and had been named Juan Cerejo.

They set out to meet their son in Chile first. After meeting with him and having a wonderful time, the mother was ready to go meet her other son, but her husband disagreed.

When she asked why they couldn't go see him, he replied, "Well, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

Some of my friends make The Offspring puns, some of them violently hate them

I guess I gotta keep em separated

Brits have more reason than most to celebrate 4th of July

Surely 241 years of officially being separated from America is something to be happy about

I went deer hunting with my older brothers when I was a youngster

It was in a mountainous area and I got separated from the group. Hopeless and lost I remember them telling me what to do: fire 3 shots in the air and they would come rescue me. Every 20 minutes I did that until I was accidentally found by a group of hunters that just happened to be passing by. I told them I sure was glad to see them! I was down to my last 3 arrows!

Jungle animals started a softball league...

The teams are separated by species.

A colorful long beaked bird, not sure where to go, asked an old monkey umpire, where his team was playing.

He replied, "Mongoose vs snakes are on field 1, ants vs frogs play on field 2..."

"Quit monkeying around", the bird chuckled, "I just want to know which field I'm on."

"Species puns, huh?" he replied, "Well toucan play at that game."

Where do you go when you're white and caught speeding, then get separated into different colours only to come out bent and totally different to how you came in?


I like my blacks like I like my yolks

Beaten and separated from the whites

Two identical twins separated at birth...

... And are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series of coincidences they had found eachother and had tracked down their address. Enclosed was a picture of Juan smiling happily with his adoptive Mexican parents.
"Oh" the mother says to her husband. "he's so handsome! And seems so happy! I wish I knew what his brother looks like."
"Honey" said her husband "They're twins, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Hamal."

Your teeth are like the stars

Yellow and separated.

Girl, forget chemistry, you and I have solid *geometry*

Because our points are maximally separated, and it's perfectly platonic.

Temel walks into a bar...

He orders 3 beers and clinks glasses to each other before drinking them all and leaves. Next week he comes again, orders 3 beer and drinks them after doing the ritual. Bartender curiously asks why he's doing that and Temel replies;
"me and my two brothers separated last year and we made a promise to drink for each other every weekend to remember our old drinking days. "
A few monts passes, every weekend Temel comes, drinks 3 and leaves. One day Temel walks into bar and when bartender reaches to glasses Temel says ;
" only 2 beer this time."
Bartender sadly asks ;
"Which one of your brothers died? "
and temel replies; " None of them died, I stopped drinking."

Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.

How did Christopher Marlowe keep his writing secret from the other prisoners when he went to jail?

He separated the prose from the cons.

My girlfriend borrowed $500 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $500.

Why even bother checking the punchline guys?

A man and his son go for a walk through the woods and get separated.

After frantically searching for his son, the man finally finds him standing over a dead animal and poking it with a stick.

Dad, what's this? The boy asks

Carrion, my wayward son.

I hope you brought the divorce papers...

Cuz your legs are about to be separated.

I hurt my foot a few days ago

Tripped over the stairs and partially separated my left big toenail. It's getting better, but it still hurts a fair bit.

Yesterday I was walking to class with a female friend of mine who's a cell biology major. I hadn't told her yet about what happened, so eventually she said "So why are you limping, anyway?"

I turned to her, looked her straight in the face, and without missing a beat, I said:

"My toe, sis!"

Teacher: Glucose and fructose were separated across an impermeable membrane

Student: Sucrose yet so far

All about a Girl and you...!

If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill

If girl is far from you - Mobile bill

If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill.

Moral - No Girl - No Bills!

I ran a 5k on the same road that a half marathon was being run. The two were separated by a fence.

It was racist.

Did you guys hear about that dolphin at SeaWorld that committed suicide?

Apparently after he was separated from his family and forced into captivity, he lost all sense of porpoise in his life.

It's really unfair to compare Trump to Hitler.

Sure, both wanted undesirables separated from society, but Trump doesn't want to pay for it. At least Hitler foot the gas bill.

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