The Best 75 Separate Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Separate jokes. There are some separate differentiate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these separate distinguish puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Separate Jokes and Puns

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

Money was a little tight, so I entered a pun writing contest...

I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries.

I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Somalis at the Olympics...

The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.

I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

jokes about separate

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......

I at least hope they separate us by music genre.


How do you separate the men from the boys in the Navy?

With a crowbar.

When I do laundry I tell people I'm going to 1943

Cause I got to separate the whites and colors

Separate joke, When I do laundry I tell people I'm going to 1943

How do the greek separate the men from the boys?

With a crow bar.

So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together.

I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.

My dad was born with a conjoined twin

He was the uncle on my dad's side. But don't worry, the doctors were able to separate them. Now he's my uncle once removed.

Why do Newfies want QuΓ©bec to separate?

So it's a shorter drive to Toronto!

You can explore separate entry reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean separate crowbar dad jokes. There are also separate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

Why was Martin Luther King so bad at doing laundry?

Because he wouldn't separate the whites from the blacks.

What separates the men from the boys in the Catholic Church?

A condom.

Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Separate joke, I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separ

I love doing laundry...

It's the only time you can separate the whites from the coloreds and no one gets offended.

I'd be willing to date a French Canadian...

But I'm scared she'd always want to separate

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.


Last week I went golfing and finally beat my wife...

Those are two separate things.

Why does Donald Trump still go to laundromats?

It's the only place he can admit he wants to separate whites from coloreds.

I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry

There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.

How does Hitler separate his juice?

By concentrate.

A married couple went to a lawyer to get a divorce.

Since they had three kids the lawyer asked, "How should we separate them between you two?".

They two discussed for five minutes and then the woman said, "We'll be back in 10 months".

Ten months later, they were blessed with a pair of twins.

Why should you always wash your delicate undergarments separate from your socks?

To prevent yourself from getting athletes crotch !

Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

Because red shirts die easily.

Separate joke, Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

The head of the 2016 Somali Olympic squad has apologized to officials on behalf of their team...

...after realizing shooting and sailing were two separate events.

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

How do you separate two blind people fighting?

You just simply shout:
"I'm supporting the one with the knife!"


When is a pentagon not a pentagon?

When it's intercepted by a separate plane.

Why did the cannibal separate the meat, blood, and skin of his victim?

So he could eat, drink, and be Mary.

What separates a sexually active adult male from a 10 year old?

A half a millimetre of latex.

Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent?

Because it told him to keep his whites and colours separate.

A rich guy and his wife both died and their caskets were driven in separate cars...

His and Hearse.


Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.

She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.

Do you think that will work? she asked.

Just worked for me, he replied.

I bought two mattresses the other day

I really only needed one, but when I went to buy it, I saw that it was a twin, and I didn't want to separate them.

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

As the old Catholic saying goes,

Condoms: they're what separate the men from the boys

What separates man from beast?

Divorce

What separates animals from humans?

Mediterranean sea

Why was two piece swimsuit invented?

To separate the hairy from the dairy.

You know what separates the men from the boys?

Social services.

How do you separate the priests and the choir boys?

With a crowbar

A group of Cytologists are arrested...

and are thrown into jail. Since these are privileged folks, they're put into a special jail where they live a single common living space, without separate rooms.

The cytologists start submitting complaints immediately to the state. Because without cells, it doesn't meet living conditions.

Yo mamma so old,

she has a separate entrance for black dicks.

One for $1, three for $4

A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new special where you can buy three cups for $4.

I'd like a cup of coffee, said the man, handing in a dollar bill.

He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffee, and saving a dollar. I'd like two more cups, please, he said, handing in another $2.

Afterward, he asks the guy in the stand, Why are you selling three cups of coffee for $4 when you could buy three separate cups for $3?

To which the stand dude replied, you could've just bought one cup like you do every day.

Why can't Ken and Barbie make a baby?

Ken comes in a separate box

The catholic church needs to implement some kind of Rite of Passage...

It's time to separate the men from the boys.

What separates having a healthy interest in the English language from an unhealthy obsession is...

addictionary.

It's a shame the immigrants and their kids at the U.S. border aren't named Church and State

then the GOP would never separate them.

An FBI statistician gave me some advice

I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?"

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on the same plane, so the odds of a terrorist smuggling a second bomb onboard are very low."

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

I treat my Play-doh like people groups in the 1940's

Always keep the colors separate.

What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?

"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks wryly at the gentleman next to him..

"Hmm.." he begins thinking. "How did *he* know I wanted a beer?"

Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?

He won't separate the whites from the colours…

We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

Syria has officially split into two separate countries.

They are now SyriA and SyriB

Why are people that don't eat yolks racist?

...They always want to separate the whites.

You know why the 2 piece bathing suit was invented?

To separate the dairy section from meat section...

Last night while shopping at the local MegaLoMart

we bought 2 dozen eggs. The cashier put both in the same bag. Of course, I responded "Please put those is separate bags. I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket." My wife, son and the cashier all gave me the eye roll. Mission accomplished.

I had to quit my job at the Elmer's Glue factory...

I was getting too attached to my coworkers... I couldn't separate myself from my work.

My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

I never knew laundry could be so racist...

They're always telling you to separate the whites from the coloured???

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

I had a falling out with my friend over a protein powder

We decided to go our separate wheys

4 kids are at a party on sunday night

They wake up on Monday morning, and knowing they wouldn't be back in time to take a test, they emailed the professor and told him that they had a flat tire. The professor responded ok, you can take the test tomorrow

The next day the kids are at school. The professor says you all have to take the test in separate rooms

Fair the kids responded.

The first question was worth 5 points and said what is 5+5 .

Easy enough said one of the kids in their test room.

The second question was worth 95 points. It said which tire was flat

Three reditt astronauts, American, Russian and Chinese go the moon on separate missions arriving at same time, what is one common thing they all say upon landing

"My tits are jacked"

A Republican and a Democrat found a magic lamp

The genie said "I will grant one wish per person". The Republican immediately jumped forward and said "I wish all Republicans and conservatives had their own planet, separate from all these libs." The genie nodded and the Republican vanished. The Democrat then asked "Are they all on their own planet?" "Yes" said the genie. "Are you sure? All of them?" The genie said "Yes" one more time. Then the Democrat said "I guess I'll just have a glass of water then."

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people.

If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

Real happiness

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make love to her, then you go your separate ways never meeting again"


The Russian : "no you are both wrong, real happiness is when secret police come to your house in middle of night and tell you: Ivan Ivanovich you arrested for conspiracing against the state and you tell them : sorry Ivan Ivanovich lives next door."

Yo' mama so fat

Einstein did a separate theory for her.

Is the term "buttcheeks" a single word?

Or should I separate them?

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

I used to be two separate cells in two human bodies…

now i'm a human body in a separate cell

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the separate men jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working separate discrete piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes