Sentenced Death Jokes
80 sentenced death jokes and hilarious sentenced death puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sentenced death that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Sentenced Death Short Jokes
Short sentenced death jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sentenced death humour may include short death penalty jokes also.
- A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
- Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...... ....what happens next will shock you."
- A man was sentenced to death, but wasn't told how they'll kill him. Needless to say, they left him hanging.
- So I was sentenced to death by hanging... but my execution is being suspended temporarily.
- A child was recently forced to write on the chalk board until he died He was sentenced to death
- Judge: "You have been found unanimously guilty of using clickbait, and I sentence you to death by electric chair." What happens next will shock you.
- Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because they'll finish each other's sentences.
- A man is on his death sentence and gets to choose his last meal. So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies "You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die."
- I got the death sentence for making a fence out of large circles. It was a capital 'O' fence.
- I was recently in court with a necrophiliac as a judge... Everyone got the death sentence.
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Sentenced Death One Liners
Which sentenced death one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sentenced death? I can suggest the ones about beaten death and stabbed death.
- Before invention of electricity Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.
- A prisoner got killed by words He got a death sentence.
- What's the worst sentence in the English language? The death sentence.
- I'm writing a novel about a guy that can kill with words Working title Death Sentence
- What's the shortest death sentence? "Arghh."
- What's a compliment in America and a death sentence in Iraq? You're the bomb!
- What did the executioner say to the man who's sentenced to death? "Hang in there, buddy."
- Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.
- A person is sentenced to death by freezing It's justice.
- How do you get the death sentence in California? You water your garden. Zing
- What world record is a death sentence if you fail? Oldest person
- I was given the death sentence. My wife said "Let's make babies".
- Dylann Roof was just sentenced to death.... Needless to say he was FLOORED by the news.
- A distracted man walks off a cliff while talking on his phone. He was sentenced to death.
- Death once got sentenced to Chuck Norris.
Howlingly Hilarious Sentenced Death Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about sentenced death you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean convicted murdering jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sentenced death pranks.
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench.
One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered
"It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
.. so he could say the sentence "Do you want to die slowly of fast?"
An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia..
...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.
The sheik steps forward and announces:
"Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."
The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward.
"First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20."
The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?"
"Tie the Aussie to my back."
An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.
Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day finally comes, they strap him into the chair and the guard throws the switch. Sparks fly and smoke curls upward from the straps and skullcap, but the old man is unhurt. The switch is thrown again and again, but always with the same result. Finally he is released from the chair, and the next day the governor commutes his sentence to life in prison.
When a reporter asks him about the incident and why he thought he survived, the man replies, "Well, I've always been a poor conductor."
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Three woman are all sentenced to death by firing squad. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde...
The firing squad was called to shoot all the girls.
The brunette went first. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." Before the man said three, the brunette yelled, "TORNADO!"
Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.
The firing squad then went to the redhead. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." "FLOOD!" the redhead screamed.
Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.
The blonde, noticing what the other girls did, knew what she had to do. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..."
"FIRE!!!" the blonde screamed...
Three men were stranted in the middle of the ocean on a raft...
When all of a sudden they catch sight of an island that had smoke rising from it. Overjoyed, they paddle the whole way there only to find themselves surrounded by intimidating natives with spears.
The chieftain walked up to them and said, "You have two choices. The first is that we kill you. The second is that we set you free after we give you a boomshakalaka."
The first man decided on the boomshakalaka. The burliest man out of them all stepped up, bent him over and r**... him savagely for 5 minutes but after he was done, they set him free and he ran off.
The second man also wanted to live so he decided to take the boomshakalaka as well. After 5 minutes he too was set free.
Having seen his two friends get r**..., the third man decided that he would just get killed
So the chieftain stepped up and said "Ok. I sentence you to death... by boomshakalaka.
3 guys are sentenced to death...
They say to the first one "you can choose how you want to die: shot, hanged, or with the electric chair". He says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". He sits on it, but when they turn it on the electric chair doesn't electrocute him, so he is left free. Before he leaves, he says to the second guy "the electric chair is broken"."Gotcha" says the second guy, and when they ask him how he wants to die, he confidently says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". The chair fails again, so he is free. Before leaving, he says to the third guy "the electric chair is broken"."Gotcha" says the third guy. When they ask him how he wants to die, he says "getting shot is too violent, the electric chair is broken, I choose being hanged".
A bus conductor pushes a guy out of the bus...
... for not having the money to pay for the ride. The guy dies and the passengers angrily take the conductor to court.
The trial finds him guilty. He is sentenced to death by the electric chair.
Soon he is bounded on the electric chair and the power is fed to the chair. But nothing happens and the man does not die.
The next evening, a lady falls out of a moving bus, the conductor of that bus tries to save her but he couldn't get hold of her and she dies. In light of the previous event, the passengers accuse him of pushing the lady out of the bus for not paying and takes him to court. He is found guilty and gets sentenced to death by the electric chair. But this time, he, being a good conductor, dies.
The Execution
A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.
The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair.
He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free.
They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair.
Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlander's turn to pick how he was to be executed.
He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".
Three people are given the death sentence...
They are given a choice, guillotine or rifle for their execution.
The first convict states he will take the guillotine. When they setup and release, the blade gets stuck and the sheriff states "it is not your time, you may go."
The second decides on guillotine as well, the blade gets stuck and they also let him free.
The third says "Well, since the guillotine isn't working, I will take death by rifle."
Judge:You are sentenced to death.
Judge: You'll be hung.
Wife from down the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG!
Me: Your Honor please uncuff me so I can high five my wife.
Once there was this cruel maestro.....
He was very cruel and bad. Once as he was backing up his car, he rode over a little girl, killing her, but he didn't care. He was caught and sentenced to death by the electric chair. He was seated in the chair, the switch flipped, he was electrocuted, but amazingly he didn't die. So he was let to live.
After some days as he was backing up his car yet again, he hit another girl killing her instantly. But he didn't care. Again he was caught and sent to the electric chair, he didn't die and let to live.
But now the maestro was a changed man, he left his cruel ways and decided to follow the path of good. But to his bad fortune as he was again backing up his car, he accidentally hit a girl. He rushed her to the hospital but the girl died. Again he was sent to the electric chair, but this time, he died.
Do you know why?
Because at first a bad conductor and the electricity didn't kill him, then he became a good conductor.
Why did the plant get sentenced to death?
Cause bush did 9/11
What are you doing when you Sentence almost a Dozen Surfers to death by the Gallows?
You're Hanging Ten, Dudes!
A convicted m**... is sentenced to death by the electric chair.
As is customary, the executioners have a priest brought in.
"Any last requests?" asks the priest.
"Yes," says the m**..., "can you please hold my hand?"
What is something people do in America that is a joke, but is a death sentence in Africa?
Throw water in someones face.
A man goes to jail.
A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."
Did you know that every single female inmate that was executed on death row was menstruating on the day of her execution?
You ask why? Because you have to end every sentence with a period.
s**... is i**... in most countries.
Sentence is death.
Did you hear about the guy who died from having to listen to his wife's incessant talking?
He was sentenced to death.
Joe the king sentenced an old friend to death for breaking the law.
The friend wasn't worried at all. After all, he knew he was just Joe-King.
Did you hear about the coffee bean that committed m**...?
It was sentenced to death by decaffeination.
What did the judge say while sentencing an American comedian to his death?
Burnham at the stake.
My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
A man is sentenced to death
The king is feeling merciful, and asks the man how he wants to die. After he says how he wants to die, he is set free.
He asked to die of natural causes.
Three men were sentenced to death.
The day of their execution arrives, the first man was hanged but fortunately the rope loosens and he fells into the water below the platform. The same happens with the second man. It was now the turn of the third man, but before reaching to the pole he requests the person in charge, "You better tighten that rope of yours because I don't know how to swim."
Did you hear about the guy who died in a courtroom after the judge threw a book at him?
He was sentenced to death
A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars...
Judge: First offender?
Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.
The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...
A man was found trying to commit s**...
He was caught by the police and was sentenced to death
What's the best punishment for a s**... attempt?
Death sentence
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
David killed a man by accident...
Yet, they still sentenced him to death. when asked what was his last wish was, he asked for a banana. the jail man said sorry, its not banana season yet . I'll wait said David.
A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.
The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.
A king's chef was sentenced to death, after serving terrible food one too many times...
On the day the sentence was to be carried out, the chef brought one of his cakes and presented it to the headsman, in the hopes it would encourage him to make the death quick and painless.
When the headsman returned home, his wife asked how the proceedings had gone.
"Awful taste but great execution."
A prisoner who is on death row has been sentenced to death by hanging and is standing on the platform being prepped for execution…
Just before the execution takes place, the prison guard looks at the prisoner and asked them if they had any last words.
The prisoner then says Man, my neck is killing me today!
A man sentenced to death is asked
- What is your last wish?
- To watch the "Young and the Restless" series complete with commercials.
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".