sense Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious sense puns

Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


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In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

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You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

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I wish my college was run by EA

At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

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I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.

Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.

The governor: Fine people...I don't know.

Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?

Farmer: I'm a farmer.

Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?

Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.

Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?
Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.

Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.

Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.

Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?

Farmer: I actually have two cows.

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What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

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My wife is furious at me because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right left away.

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

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Jewish sense of humor

Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."


Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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Santa is nearby...

I can sense his presents

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A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

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What do you call cows with no sense of humor?

Feminists

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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, because they are efficient and have no sense of humor.

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A wife gets naked

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'Β 

Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

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The Govenment made a recent announcement.....

.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually being fucked!!

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What does the NFL have in common with Brokeback Mountain?

The Cowboys suck.

*(I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, but I don't lack a sense of humor.)*

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Doctor

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet."

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A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

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A doctor had sex...

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

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What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor?

Feminists.

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My wife kicked me out. She says it's because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

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A girl asked her boyfriend "Which do you love more, my pretty face more or my sexy body?"

Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"

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It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much

Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

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Mathematics is 90% common sense,

the other half is intelligence.

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Man goes to the doctor (NSFW)

A man goes to the doctor for a prostate check.

The doctor is examining him when he discovers bank notes in the man's rectum.

He pulls them out and counts them, he says to the patient; "You're not going to believe this, but I've just found Β£1950 up your arse."

"Ah, that makes sense," the patient says; "I thought I wasn't feeling too grand."

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Old man's wife has hearing problems

An old man goes to his doctor.

Old man: Hey Doc, my wife's hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out?

Doc: Well, how bad is it?

Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything.

Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is.

Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon.

So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.

He walks through his hall and once more shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.

He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.

Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!".

"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

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My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay

He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.

I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.

3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though.

Maybe this strategy isn't for me...

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You know that tingly sensation you get when you fall in love with somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

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Dr. Seth had sex with one of his patients...

He felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Seth, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Seth."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Seth.....
Seth.....
Seth, You're a fucking vet!"

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For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

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What does titanic and the sixth sense have in common?

Icy dead people

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My wife was really pissed that I have such a bad sense of direction.

So I packed my bags and right.

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Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

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What do the Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common

Icy Dead People

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What connects The Sixth Sense and Titanic?

Icy dead people.

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The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

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Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

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The Naughty Doctor

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

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How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"

Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."

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Holidays

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

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What do you get when you combine Titantic with the Sixth Sense?

Icy dead people.

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When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced.

That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.

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What do the movies "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" have in common?

Icy dead people.

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My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?

Because he was dribbling. 😊

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What's the similarity between 6th Sense and Titanic?

Icy dead people.

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A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar

They are about to sit down when the bartender says: It costs $60 to sit on the chair. The priest and the rabbi say That's absurd! What's the reason for this charge? The bartender says Well the goal is to provide patrons with a sense of pride and accompliβ€”

The priest and the rabbi throw themselves at the bartender and beat him to death, because enough of the damn EA jokes already.

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Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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A man goes to his doctor about his terrible farts

"Doctor, I have terrible gas. I keep making these weird farts: they are constant and really loud but they don't smell."
So the doctor says: "Alright, take these pills and come back and see me in a week."
A week later the man comes back.
"Doctor, these pills have just made the farts worse! Now they are the foulest things I've ever smelt in my life!"
"Great, now that we've fixed your sense of smell, we can start to work on stopping your farts."

-----
This was my grandpa's favourite joke. He was a big fan of fart humour.

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I hear it's healthy in a marriage to have separate hobbies...

Makes sense, I don't think I'd like getting fucked by other guys as much as my wife

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Inventing Words

A local radio station was running a competition – words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to the Bahamas.

RJ: "104 FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi! My name's Rob."

RJ: "Rob, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

RJ: "...You're correct, Rob, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan fuck yourself."

The RJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

RJ: "104 FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi! My name's Doug."

RJ: "Doug, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

RJ: "...You're correct, Doug, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

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The other day, I tried to tell a joke to an American cop...

Well, instead of laughing, he just looked me dead in the eye and said, "That's not funny. What the fuck is wrong with you?"


I guess my sense of humor's so dark, the police will shoot it down.

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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

My plumber has a funny sense of humour

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My favourite way to dress is all in black.

My sense of fashion is second to nun.

I'll show myself out.

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Telegraph

A dog walks into a telegraph office, puts $1 on the counter and says:
"Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof"

The operator says to the dog "Its $1 for 10 words, shall I put another woof on there?"

The dog then says "But then that wouldn't make any sense!"

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Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

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A dog goes into a telegraph office

A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.

The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price.

The dog looks confused and replies, But that would make no sense at all."

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Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Clerk says, "What's your message?"

Dog says, "Woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "You know, for the same price, you can fit one more 'woof' in."

Dog replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense."

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Yesterday, I went to a Christmas Party

I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

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what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

pear

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My sense of humor is so dark...

... one of these days it's going to get shot by the police.

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If towels could tell jokes...

They'd probably have a dry sense of humor.

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A man walking along a beach finds a lamp

When he rubs it, out pops a female genie. The genie says "I am the feminist genie. While I do have to grant your wishes exactly as you ask, I sense that you are divorced. Therefore, no matter what you wish for will be also given to your ex wife in double the amount."

The man ponders his situation for a moment and says "Build me a 20 room mansion."
"Done!" says the genie "and your ex wife now has a 40 room mansion"

"Put 10 million dollars in my bank account" requests the man.
"As you wish" exclaimed the genie "and at the same time I have given your ex wife 20 million dollars"

"Awesome.", said the man. "Now listen carefully..."
"Yes?" Said the genie leaning in closer. The man smiled and whispered:


"Beat me half to death"

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Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

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Kim Jung Un responds to why he doesn't let people leave North Korea.

Kim Jung Un has said "The intent is to provide people with a sense of pride and accomplishment for escaping North Korea"

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Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?

It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.

Obligatory

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Why men wear earrings...

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

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One night a woman undressed in front of her husband...

"what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Asked the wife

The husband looked her up an down an said, "your sense of humor."

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So a Higgs Boson particle goes into a catholic church

And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.

The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."

"What? Why?" the particle responds.

"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."

"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."

"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"

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What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common?

Icy dead people

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I have proof that the FBI has no sense of humor

[REDACTED]

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What do "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" have in common?

Icy dead people.

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Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

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The Sixth Sense and Titanic are the same movie.

Icy dead people.

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The New National Symbol

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

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What is the Phobia for chainsaws called?

Common sense

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A doctor had sex with his patient

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

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If towels told jokes…

They'd probably have a very dry sense of humor.

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A man visits the doctor

and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?

Man: Ive visited the doctor

Friend: What did he say?

Man: 200 Dollars

Friend: Yeah, but what do you have

Man: I have 50 dollars

Friend: I Mean whats the problem?

Man: 150 dollars

I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried

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Take a cab if you're drinking

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social event" with friends.

This past Friday, I was out on a post-Thanksgiving evening with several friends. I had a
few cocktails, followed by several glasses of wine. Despite my jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the highway but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
Be safe out there

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I recently learned that the Chinese word for "anus" is 屁眼 which literally means "the butt's eye"

It really makes sense in hind-sight

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If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!

Judge: I don't care who started it.

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The Doctor

A doctor was feeling ashamed after having sex with one of his female patients.

He could not get the images of his head. He was a professional, and wasn't used to this overwhelming sense of guilt and betrayal of his patient.

In desperate need of reassurance, he thought to himself as he heard a voice in his head say:

*"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last."*

It continued:

*"Now go out there and show them that you're the best veterinarian in this whole town!"*

---

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Animals can sense disasters before they happen.

That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.

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Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common…

Icy dead people

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If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced

That explains why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self importance

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A woman asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

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Dr Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he would hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, dont worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you wont be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."

But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering.....

"Dave.....
... you're a vet"

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Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

**One.**

They're very efficient and don't have a great sense of humour.

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What does the sixth sense and titanic have in common?

Icee dead people.

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It makes sense that Bernie Sanders supports Marijuana legalization...

...because his success has hinged upon high voter turnout.

HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Fuck, I need to sleep...

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A dark sense of humor is like a hospital.

Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.

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Radio Station Contest

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: 96 FM here, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'.
DJ: You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Caller: Goan fuck yourself!
The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: 96 FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.
DJ: You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

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I have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression.

Makes sense because he never looks forward to anything.

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Woof

A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."

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My girlfriend is mad about the fact that I have a bad sense of direction

So I got up and right

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Mathematician joke.

A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."

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A wife asked her husband...

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "Your sense of humor."

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Old man driving alone

An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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There's really no sense in being pessimistic...

It's not going to work, anyway.

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A local radio station

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan f$&k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

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Midwestern joke I heard years ago...

State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.

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I finally understood the end of the 6th Sense

All those names at the end were people who worked on the movie.

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A priest, a lawyer, and a little kid are on a crashing plane...

There's only one parachute onboard. The priest says to the lawyer, "we've have lived our lives. This young boy has his whole life ahead of him. It only makes sense to give him the parachute." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the kid!" To which the priest replies, "You think we have time?"

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Doctor Ben slept with one of his patients...

Doctor Ben had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Ben, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Ben."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Ben.....
Ben.....
Ben, you piece of shit...
You're a veterinary doc"

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There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."

The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."

The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

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A man walks into the doctors office....(NSFW)

...and tells the doctor he would like to put his daughter on birth control. The doctor of course asks how old the daughter is.
The father responds "She's 13".
With a sense of shock, the doctor replies "Is she sexually active?!?!?!"
Without batting an eye the man replies "No.....she just lays there like her mother!"

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What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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What do Logan Paul and the kid from The Sixth Sense have in common?

Their careers ended after seeing dead people.

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This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door.

My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

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Scientists have reached the conclusion that the owl has the most acute sense of hearing

They clearly haven't experimented on men browsing porn while their wives are asleep.

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My girlfriend's response to a lesbian joke that I told her

Years ago I told my girlfriend a joke, it went something like this:

Me: Did you hear about the French lesbian who went back home to France?

Her: (Shakes her head no)

Me: She missed her native tongue.

After I said the punchline, she didn't get it, just sat there and looked at me straight-faced, trying to make sense of it, finally she blurts out, "They have natives in France?"

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My uncle used to counterfeit pennies...

My uncle used to counterfeit pennies out of real copper, but got copper poisoning. At least, we think that's what happened, because one day he just stopped making sense.

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What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

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People who don't laugh at cancer jokes

have no sense of tumor.

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Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

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Lolipops

There was a 1st grade teacher helping her students by giving them lolipops to develop their sense of taste. She handed out lollipops of the same flavor to each student. She then questioned them about the flavor of the lolipops. The class replied in unison "Strawberry!". She replied "Very good class" she then handed out the second flavor and ask them to identify the flavor. Again the class replied "Blueberry!" she praised the class by giving them one last lollipop that was honey flavored. When the kids tasted it, they went silent with looks of confusion on their faces. The teacher decided they needed a hint so she said "This is something your parents call each other" a girl in the back jumped up, threw the lolipop across the room and screamed "HOLY SHIT SHE GAVE US A LOLIPOP FLAVORED LIKE AN ASSHOLE!!!"

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My wife got mad at me for not knowing my sense of direction

So I packed my bags and right.

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What do you call a Chinese man with a bad sense of direction?

Wong Wei

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A married couple of 30 years are talking....

The wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

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Two cannibals are chatting

and the first cannibal says "I killed and ate a missionary yesterday, but I think he gave me an upset stomach."
The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?"
The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always."
The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what did he look like?"
The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals."
And the second cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."

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What is the phobia of chainsaws called?

Common sense

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What does The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

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You say tomato, I say tomato

But it doesn't make that much sense when you read it.

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If you lose one senses, your other senses become stronger.

That's why people without a sense of humour have such a high sense of self importance

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Did you ever wonder why...

...earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings".

"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an earring", he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck".

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)

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"Goan" and "Smee" aren't in the dictionary, but can still be used in a sentence

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96 FM here, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, my name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what's your word?

Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'.

DJ: You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?

Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: 96 FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what's your word?

Caller: Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.

DJ: You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself! ?

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I get a boner every time I face north

Guess you can say I have a good sense of erection

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Why are there no black people in "The Jetsons"

Because it's going to be a great future.

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A dog walks into a telegraph office

He goes up to the counter and asks to send a message. It reads "woof, woof, woof." The lady says you know, for the same price, you could add another woof.

The dog gives her a confused look and says "but that would make no sense!"

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What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ?

A feminist

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What do you call the fear of chainsaws?

Common Sense.

I'll show myself out...

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A Native American boy walks up to the the Chief of his tribe...

He says to the Chief "Great Chief, where do the people of our tribe get their names?" the chief replies, "Well, each infant is given a name by their father seconds before the mother gives birth. You see, what the father does is observe the nature around them and let its spirit inspire them." The boy says "I see, this makes some sense to me." and the Chief explains to the boy, "You're friend, Soaring-eagle, received his name when his father saw an eagle fly directly above the hut that his wife was giving birth in." The boy still looked slightly confused, so the Chief asked "Why exactly are you seeking this information. Did you want to know where you're name originated, Twodogsfucking?"

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Islamic terrorists makes no sense . Commit suicide and might get 72 virgins ?

Become a Catholic priest and get them now

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What do you call a phobia of chainsaws?

Common sense

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A man sits in a bus when...

a beautiful woman enters the bus. She takes the seat next to him and both start to exchange looks.

After a while the man takes all his confidence and asks her "So, what's your name, beautiful lady?"

She smiles and says "Carmen! ... but my real name is Sarah actually."

"So why do you prefer Carmen then?!"

"Well... first of all... I like cars... and the second reason is: I loooove men!"

"That makes sense!" says the man laughing.

"So what is your name?" Carmen asks with a big smiley on her lips.

"My name is beercunt."

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After months of trying to come up with a joke that makes sense, my 10yo sister dropped this one on me last night.

What killed the cat?

A stroke.

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What kind of motorcycle has the best sense of humor?

Yamahahaha

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A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram. The guy behind the counter asks him,

"What do you want it to say?"

"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"

The telegram guy says,

"I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn't know, anything up to 10 words is the same price! Would you like me to add an extra 'WOOF' on there for you?"

The dog looks at him, confused, and says,

"But then it wouldn't make any sense!"

- Norm McDonald

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Tapes have A and B sides

So it only made sense to transition to CDs .

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My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

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I woke up to a tap on the door this morning..

...My plumber has an odd sense of humour

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How many German engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. They are really good at technical things, and have no sense of humor.

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Man, Saturday Night Live has really been going after Donald Trump lately

I guess it makes sense though, since Donald is such a sketchy guy

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If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense.

The German side says "Build a wall!"

The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"

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What are the best Sense puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Sense? Well, here are the best jokes about Sense to have fun with.

Joko Jokes