Senior Jokes
135 senior jokes and hilarious senior puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about senior that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This is a selection of the funniest jokes about seniors, old people, and the elderly. If you want to laugh until you cry, then read on!
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Funniest Senior Short Jokes
Short senior jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The senior humour may include short junior jokes also.
- carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow. It's called a Ted Cruise
- How do ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers? The number of stripes on their tracksuits.
- A senior citizen is sitting at a bar.. A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"
- My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen. We call it LAARPing.
- When people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I'm a senior analyst It sounds better than saying I just stare at old people all day
- Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home... You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.
- I forgot to bring the drinks to my senior prom. But hey, look at the bright side. No punch line.
- My 70 year old father recently enrolled in college His first year and he's already a senior.
- Thought about a programming workshop called "Teaching Seniors to Code!" Hospital didn't like my idea for some reason
- Did you hear about the Mexican man who went to the old people home to visit his grandpa? See senior.
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Senior One Liners
Which senior one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with senior? I can suggest the ones about elderly and veteran.
- Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm... I'm the CIEIO
- What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians? Comic Sans
- Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom? Depends.
- What do you call it when 2 seniors stay up past their bedtimes? An election.
- Congratulations 2020 graduating class Reigning senior skip day champions!
- I finally found an app for my senior love life!! Carbon Dating <3
- What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power? Gramma Rays
- What do you call cosplaying as a senior citizen? LAARP
- Senior discounts are kind of like early going away presents
- It would be horrible if a Mexican male's name was rita. Hello, Senior Rita.
- Just remember, it's better to pay full price than to admit you're a senior citizen.
- In Mexico every software developer is senior
- Why didn't Rick Grimes settle his group in an abandoned senior center? Too many walkers.
- I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.
- What did the cop say to senior citizen he caught stealing Depends? 'Ur in trouble.
Senior Citizen Jokes
Here is a list of funny senior citizen jokes and even better senior citizen puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens. Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.
- My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!
- There is a new site for senior citizen dating. Its called "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."
- What's the best way to ensure that Asia's senior citizens' pension programs are financially sound? Sufficient amount of youth in Asia.
- Why couldn't William, a senior citizen, get into McDonald's? They won't accept Bills 50 and over
- What do you call condoms made for senior citizens? Hamburger Helper.
- What is the best musical instrument for a senior citizen to learn? The HAARP
- How do senior citizens handle indoor skydiving? Depends
- How do you make 30 senior citizens swear? Shout "Bingo!" before them
Senior Year Jokes
Here is a list of funny senior year jokes and even better senior year puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandpa flirting with a 91 year-old lady at his senior home. "You look young enough to be my daughter."
- Me: A High Schooler finishing his last year decides to stretch. While stretching, my back cracks.. Mom: "Ooh, you're getting old!"
Me: "I know. I'm a senior." - Girlfriend: "What's senior year without a little slacking?" Me: "Junior year."
- Senior Year? More like sleep and beer.
- What do you call a WWII battle that finished it's senior year at communism school? Leningrad
High School Senior Jokes
Here is a list of funny high school senior jokes and even better high school senior puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 1600 out of 2000 high school seniors flunked their math exam in my city. That's almost half!
- A paraplegic high school senior can graduate... ...but can't walk with their class.
Uplifting Senior Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about senior you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean older people jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make senior pranks.
Seniors!
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
The speeder
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fire safety
I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
The police vs the senior citizen
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A senior nun walks in on an novice...
... who was vigourously m**... with a cob of corn.
The Mother Superior says: "That's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and you know I hate the taste of corn!"
A Governor who was going for a...
...foreign tour, had lots of cash lying with him. He thought it would be safest to keep it with a Senator and requested him to keep it until he returns. The Senator agreed but insisted the transaction be witnessed by two of his senior advisors. Money matters can lead to serious misunderstandings. said Senator. It is always wise to have two witnesses.
The Governor saw the wisdom of the advice. The cash was handed over to the Senator in the presence of two of his senior advisors.
Some weeks later when the Governor returned home, he called on the Senator and asked for the return of his money.
What money? asked the Senator. I don't know what you are talking about.
The cash I left with you. pleaded the Governor. You even had two of your senior advisors as witnesses.
Let's ask them. replied the Senator. The senior advisors were called to the Senator's office.
Do you know anything about this Governor leaving money with me? asked the Senator.
No sir, I know nothing replied one. No sir, he didn't leave any money with you. said the other. The senior advisors left the room. The Senator opened his safe and gave the Governor his cash.
Why did you first say you knew nothing about my money ? Asked the bewildered Governor.
I just wanted to know what kind of senior advisors I have. Replied the Senator.
Old guy bought a new car
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Senior Driver
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore !! "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and
left!"
The week before senior prom the two young lovers anxiously planned the consummation of their love. Even though they had just met they knew it was right.
Tammy was going to secure the hotel reservation
and set up the alibi so that neither's parents
would know. Jimmy was given the unenviable
task of purchasing condoms. Having no idea
what he was doing he enlisted the help of the
man at the counter who advised him that a
package of 12 would be best.
Prom night began with dinner at Tammy's house.
After Grace was said and the dinner blessed
Jimmy's head remained bowed with his face in
his hands. When the pause became
uncomfortable Tammy leaned in and whispered
"I had no idea that you were so religious" to
which he replied:
"I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist"
[edit] format for mobile
[edit] I thought the post was funny and now I think comments are...
A Brand New Corvette
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp
h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"s**...." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
Old joke, still funny
A genius senior in high school takes a chemistry test. He gets his score back and is shocked he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.
Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a bronze oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface of the lamp, a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student eyes light up and immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
Today someone told me that I must be so excited to be a senior
I said "right back at you Grandma"
In the agendas available to all engineering students...
There are helpful tips written by senior students.
One of which reads "Girls are not like chimpanzees, it's okay to make eye contact."
Officer Discussing "Relations"
A party is going on at the Generals house, and four officers are discussing relations.
The General asks how much of it is Fun and how much is work, stating "I think its about 90% work, and 10% fun."
The Commander reluctantly disagrees saying "Sir I think it's more like 25% fun 75% work"
One of the department heads says "In my experience its about 50% work, 50% fun."
To which the JO (Junior Officer) says "I dunno, I know I'm not married sir, but I always thought it was 80% fun, and 20% work"
Just then the Senior Enlisted Advisor walks by so they ask him.
Thinking for a moment he responds "It must be 100% fun, because if any work was involved you four would have enlisted guys over at your house doing it for you."
One music university senior complains to another:
"Dude, I have no idea how to write my graduation composition. Do you have any hint?"
"Why don't you try coping professor X's piece he wrote when getting his D.A.?"
"I did. It turned out to be Beethoven's Fifth Symphony."
Topical Jokes for 1/12
The White House said that not sending a senior official to the Paris liberty march was a mistake. Joe Biden was supposed to fly there, but he's not allowed on a plane unless he's accompanied by an adult.
United Airlines is considering outsourcing jobs to cut costs. From now on, one lucky passenger will get to fly the plane, while being fed instructions from a customer-service rep in Mumbai.
In North Carolina, a woman accidentally shot her husband when he surprised her with breakfast in bed. The woman then saw he was carrying breakfast from Taco Bell -- and shot him again.
Russian 'Matreshka' Doll store is looking for a senior manager...
also a manager, a junior manager and a junior manager's assistant.
The Old Man & The Trooper
A senior citizen drove his brand new Lexus convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road and onto the highway, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the interstate pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Lexus, looked at the old man, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, it's Friday and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
Ambush Watch
Down at the Senior Center the other day Joe was telling a tale about his experience in the jungle during his war. It seems that he was wearing a cheap watch one night while on an ambush and it made so much noise that his buddy insisted that he douse the watch with bug spray . . . to get rid of the ticks.
Driving a brand new Bugatti
A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...
Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"
Senior prank funding
Bush Senior broke his neck
He was trying to show Jeb Bush how to dodge wrenches, hey Jeb if George can dog a shoe then I can dog wrench!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you call a senior citizen bride's pre-wedding party...
A g**...?
I'm a senior in college with 2 semesters left, and I'm considering picking up a minor
Do I lie about my age, or do I just offer to buy her cigarettes and booze?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Senior Quote
"Don't be sad because it's over, be happy because it happened."
-Adolf h**...
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German t**... plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?
Old habits die hard
Medication
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
How many senior medical consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one.
He holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
My son saw a group of elderly folk at the senior home all reading bibles.
He asked the senior home director, "why are they all reading the bible?" He replied: "Cramming for their final exam."
Why are Boy Scouts safest when travelling with a senior?
They'll always have dry wood on hand to start a fire
- this came to me in a dream... maybe it should have stayed there? *shrugs*
I heard George Bush Senior is in the hospital in critical condition...
I guess some people really would rather die than watch Trump be sworn in this Friday.
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra.....
Credits to my uncle, for making this his senior quote in highschool. Not sure if he thought of it or not.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the flat-chested college senior so well respected?
Because she was the head of the Itty-Bitty-t**...-Committee.
(their influence and power knows no mounds)
I got promoted to the senior supervisor at the cheese factory.
I am now the greater grater grader.
My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".
Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.
What's the difference between a freshman and a senior electrical engineering student?
A Fourier transform.
Have you heard of the new senior board game?
It's called "Alzhimers Hide 'N Seek".
It's single-player.
Have I heard anything about the average graduating Hispanic?
C Senior
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a High School Senior girl in Alabama?
You call her a m**....
Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!
If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend said he went down on a senior citizen.
I asked him what it tasted like and he said,
Depends.
JOB OPENING : WE ARE LOOKING FOR A JUNIOR WORKER WITH EXPERIENCE OF SENIOR WORKER WITH PAY OF A INTERN
What does a high school/college senior call the Spanish Flu?
señoritis
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yesterday I saw some kid getting g**... up behind the school by 4 other kids.
As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.
That kid got no chance against 4 of us.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... was a one arrogant senior who never let any Junior around him
Crack: Jew near
When Silentó grows old, what will he be saying a lot to his senior assistant?
Ooh wash me, wash me
Ooh wash me, wash me
Right after I got my PhD in theoretical physics, I was able to land a job at Stanford!
My first shift starts tomorrow, after the senior janitor gives me a quick rundown.
Senior joke
Folgers has a new specialty coffee that's just for seniors. Folgers slogan for it is, "The best part of waking up is waking up"
I got myself a seniors GPS
Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
The crappiest buffet I have ever gone to was at the senior center.
It was the last time I try out the incontinental breakfast.
An anti-vax mom is at a cashier
"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says
The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nurse met with an accident
... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.
I'm just about to close the n**... gash, the surgeon said.
The patient got paranoid and said, I'm not going to let you do that. I'm a senior nurse, I can close my own wound.
The surgeon hands her the thread and said, Suture self .
