Senior Jokes

Following is our collection of younger humor and senile one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Senior puns for adults, dirty enroll jokes or clean senior citizen gags for kids.

There is an abundance of graduate jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 80 funniest jokes on senior. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any executive witze you can hear about senior.

The Best jokes about Senior

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I'm the CIEIO

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.

Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…

Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?

The other man says, You mean the rose?

His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!

He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.



Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.



His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…



Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?



The other man says, You mean the rose?



His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!



He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?


Yesterday I saw some kid getting ganged up behind the school by 4 other kids.

As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.

That kid got no chance against 4 of us.

What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians?

Comic Sans

A senior citizen is sitting at a bar..

A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"

A 65 year old man driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the senior. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Mr. Smith is Dead

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

Fire safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"

"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.


The police vs the senior citizen

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

!!BAD DRIVERS!!

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"

Driving a brand new Bugatti

A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"

A Governor who was going for a...

...foreign tour, had lots of cash lying with him. He thought it would be safest to keep it with a Senator and requested him to keep it until he returns. The Senator agreed but insisted the transaction be witnessed by two of his senior advisors. Money matters can lead to serious misunderstandings. said Senator. It is always wise to have two witnesses.


The Governor saw the wisdom of the advice. The cash was handed over to the Senator in the presence of two of his senior advisors.


Some weeks later when the Governor returned home, he called on the Senator and asked for the return of his money.


What money? asked the Senator. I don't know what you are talking about.


The cash I left with you. pleaded the Governor. You even had two of your senior advisors as witnesses.


Let's ask them. replied the Senator. The senior advisors were called to the Senator's office.


Do you know anything about this Governor leaving money with me? asked the Senator.


No sir, I know nothing replied one. No sir, he didn't leave any money with you. said the other. The senior advisors left the room. The Senator opened his safe and gave the Governor his cash.


Why did you first say you knew nothing about my money ? Asked the bewildered Governor.


I just wanted to know what kind of senior advisors I have. Replied the Senator.

Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom?

Depends.

Driving down the highway

So this senior citizen was driving down 93 when his wife called him on the phone. "Be careful! I just saw on the news there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway!"


"It's not just one car, it's hundreds of 'em!"

The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted and breezes through, finishing with 5 phDs. He then decides he wants to go into politics. He starts out municipally and then onto state government, until he finally decides to run for President of the United States. He wins in a landslide, he was so popular that it was rumoured the opposition even voted for him. After his 8 years in office (yes, he got reelected) he remembers all the other wasps he left behind in the hive. He goes back to visit them. He sees his mother, his father, his auntie, his uncle, his brothers, his sisters, his cousins, and his one in-bred half brother on his dads side. When he is there he gets thirsty, he goes to the watering hole but there is a gigantic line, he estimates that it would take him 3 days to get a drink. "No point in waiting that long." He said. Then he made his way to the cider, but there is an even longer line there. Suddenly, he remembers that almost no one drinks punch in his hive. He makes his way over to the punch bowl, and guess what? There is no punchline.

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.

Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages


Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely


Congratulations 2020 graduating class

Reigning senior skip day champions!

These Seniors Couldn't Get The $2.99 Special Without Eggs, So They Did Something Genius

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'Senior Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said, "but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay more for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"Yes," said the waitress.

"I'll take the special, then," my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

Don't mess with Seniors!

I finally found an app for my senior love life!!

Carbon Dating <3

Old joke, still funny

A genius senior in high school takes a chemistry test. He gets his score back and is shocked he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.
Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a bronze oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface of the lamp, a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student eyes light up and immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

Me and my buddies go-to joke.

A high school senior is in a rush to get everything he needs ready for his high school prom the next day. First thing he needs to get is a tuxedo. He goes to the tux shop and there's a huge line. So he waits in the line, gets his tux, and goes on his way. The next thing he needs are flowers for his date. He gets to the flower shop, and again, there's a huge line. He waits in the line, gets his flowers, and goes on his way. The last thing he needs is his limo to take his date to prom in. He goes to the limo rental center, and once again, there's an enormous line. He waits in the line, rents his limo for the next day, and finally goes home. The next day he shows up to his dates house, tux on, flowers in hand, riding in a fancy limo. His date and him get to the prom, and start dancing. After a while he starts to get really thirsty. He asks his date, "Hey do you want something to drink?" She replies, "Oh sure, could you grab me some punch?" The guy leaves his date to get her some punch, and sure enough, there's no punch line.

A Senior Officer and his Recruit

Once upon a time in the army, there was an extremely unreasonable and terrifying Officer. Everyone despised him. One day, the Officer slipped on wet rocks and fell into a river. And this Officer could not swim! A young recruit walked by and spotted him. Without hesitation, he dove in and rescued the man. Out of the water, the Officer gratefully thanked the recruit," Recruit, you saved my life! I'll do anything for you, just name one thing!" The recruit thought over it, and said," Okay, how about you do not every mention this to anyone?" The Officer was puzzled, "But why? Don't you want to be a hero?" The recruit glanced around nervously," If they find out, they'll throw ME into the river next!"

I'm going to be working as the senior director at Old McDonald's farm.

They've made me the CIEIO

My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.


After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"


Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

Senior Driver

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore !! "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and
left!"

A senior citizen gives birth

Modern medicine has allowed women to give birth at an even older age than than they had been able to do so before.

Using this new in vitro technology, a 65 year old has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says not yet.

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says not yet.

Finally they say, When can we see the baby?

And the mother says, When the baby cries.

And they ask, Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?

The new mother says, because I forgot where I put it.

An Amish man and his son...

An Amish man and his son go to the mall for the first time- they are amazed! All the stores, all the people! But what takes the cake is a strange double sliding metal door with numbers over it. They watch entranced as an enormous senior woman in a wheelchair rolls inside the doors, and they shut almost silently. The numbers blink up, pause, and then back down, and the doors reopen. A gorgeous, much younger women in a miniskirt emerges and walks away. The father turns, astonished, to his son and hoarsely says, "Go get your mother..."

When people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I'm a senior analyst

It sounds better than saying I just stare at old people all day

Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home...

You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

I forgot to bring the drinks to my senior prom. But hey, look at the bright side.

No punch line.

A nurse met with an accident

... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.


I'm just about to close the nasty gash, the surgeon said.


The patient got paranoid and said, I'm not going to let you do that. I'm a senior nurse, I can close my own wound.


The surgeon hands her the thread and said, Suture self .

Old guy bought a new car

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

The Old Man & The Trooper

A senior citizen drove his brand new Lexus convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road and onto the highway, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the interstate pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Lexus, looked at the old man, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, it's Friday and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

The senior citizen and the Corvette.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".

Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.

A senior nun walks in on an novice...

... who was vigourously masturbating with a cob of corn.

The Mother Superior says: "That's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and you know I hate the taste of corn!"

A young Nun

Is doing her chores around the convent with one of the senior sisters. They go into town on bicycles to buy food for the evening meal. On the way back, the senior sister turns down a small alleyway. The young nun says,

I don't think I've ever come this way before.

To which the senior nun replies,

Yes, dear. It's the cobblestones.

What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power?

Gramma Rays

Have you heard of the new senior board game?

It's called "Alzhimers Hide 'N Seek".

It's single-player.

Senior discounts are kind of like

early going away presents

The old Man and the State Trooper

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

An anti-vax mom is at a cashier

"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says

The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"

A well dressed 80yr old man walks into the senior center...

he stops, surveys the room and sees an attractive 70 yr old lady sitting by herself. he adjust his tie and walks over to her.
" So," He says, " do I come here often?"

Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens.

Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.

Seniors!

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

The speeder

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper

There is a new site for senior citizen dating.

Its called "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."

Officer Discussing "Relations"

A party is going on at the Generals house, and four officers are discussing relations.

The General asks how much of it is Fun and how much is work, stating "I think its about 90% work, and 10% fun."

The Commander reluctantly disagrees saying "Sir I think it's more like 25% fun 75% work"

One of the department heads says "In my experience its about 50% work, 50% fun."

To which the JO (Junior Officer) says "I dunno, I know I'm not married sir, but I always thought it was 80% fun, and 20% work"

Just then the Senior Enlisted Advisor walks by so they ask him.

Thinking for a moment he responds "It must be 100% fun, because if any work was involved you four would have enlisted guys over at your house doing it for you."

My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter

And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!

I need advanced science/research jokes. I have to do stand up in front of dozens of senior research professors. Help!

Through a long series of coincidences, hijinx, and idiocy, I, a sophomore undergraduate, am going to be standing up in front of an entire university's research staff, consisting of PhD's and MD's who will someday probably be grading me, telling jokes at the the winter research symposium. I need jokes on science and research, preferably medicine, pharmacology, biology, and chemistry. I have a couple, but I need a bunch. HALP!

At a welcome seminar at a senior assisted living facility...

...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".

He continued "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired... "How much for a season pass?"

In the past, U.S.A. has had for president.....

Bush senior, Bush junior and now Bush groper.

Did you hear about the gay high school football player?

Freshman year he was a tight end.

By senior year, he was a wide receiver.

Ambush Watch

Down at the Senior Center the other day Joe was telling a tale about his experience in the jungle during his war. It seems that he was wearing a cheap watch one night while on an ambush and it made so much noise that his buddy insisted that he douse the watch with bug spray . . . to get rid of the ticks.

So, a senior citizen is laying in a hospital bed... [NSFW]

...and the Nurse shows up to wash him, as he is unable to do so himself.
Finally, she arrives between his legs and can't help but gasp at what she sees.
"Yeah, bigger than anything you've ever seen, I bet", the old patient remarks. "Back in the day, I could get erect at a moment notice, hang a bucket full of water on my good friend here and run around the whole town without any trouble."
"Oh my", the nurse answers. "But you can't do it anymore?"
"No, no", the old man replies. "Old age and all. My knees would give out after ten minutes of that business."

When SilentΓ³ grows old, what will he be saying a lot to his senior assistant?

Ooh wash me, wash me
Ooh wash me, wash me

I got promoted to the senior supervisor at the cheese factory.

I am now the greater grater grader.

A Brand New Corvette

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp
h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, when his phone rang

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?

Russian 'Matreshka' Doll store is looking for a senior manager...

also a manager, a junior manager and a junior manager's assistant.

How many senior medical consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.


He holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Congratulations to the class of 2020

You are the first class that will have a 100% participation in the annual senior skip day championship.

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

It would be horrible if a Mexican male's name was rita.

Hello, Senior Rita.

A senior in high school finally musters up the guts to ask his crush out to prom...

To his surprise, she says "yes." So, he decides to go all-out... He goes to rent his tux and there's a huge line, but he waits patiently and gets the tux. Next, he goes to the flower shop and has to wait in another really long line, but eventually gets the flowers. He goes to pick her up and she loves the tux and flowers and they head to prom. When they arrive, there's another long line but they eventually get in. While they're dancing she says to him that she's thirsty, so he goes to get her something to drink. He goes to get her some punch and there's no punchline.

What do you call a High School Senior girl in Alabama?

You call her a MILF.

Three seniors are out for a stroll.

One of them remarks, It's windy.


Another replies, No way. It's Thursday.


The last one says, Me too. Let's have a soda.

I heard George Bush Senior is in the hospital in critical condition...

I guess some people really would rather die than watch Trump be sworn in this Friday.

Senior year is like an abortion

If you don't try until the third term, the results are gonna be pretty ugly

Me: A High Schooler finishing his last year decides to stretch. While stretching, my back cracks..

Mom: "Ooh, you're getting old!"

Me: "I know. I'm a senior."

Because He Was Infected With Corona Virus

Mr. johnson went to Church on Sunday and gave testimony that he was infected with Corona virus and that God had healed him. When he finished, he tried to give the microphone to the second man who was waiting to give his own testimony, but the man refused to take it: The following conversation ensued:

2ndman – I have no testimony. Give it to Pastor.

(mr johnson tried to give the microphone to the Pastor)

Pastor – I'm not in charge of testimonies so give it to the Senior Pastor.

(mr johnson goes to the Senior Pastor)

Senior Pastor – Brother in Christ, the mic is yours. It's a gift from the Church. You may take it home.

Ed Sheeran's Perfect Timing

Some background is required to understand this beautiful joke.

My best friend is engaged to my little brother and the summer after our senior year she had to get surgery because her legs were growing inward. They broke her femurs and inserted metal rods to help them grow back straight, and they took them out a few months later. During the time after the surgery she couldn't walk and got around in a wheelchair.

July 4th, after her surgery, my brother was watching fireworks with her and her family. Ed Sheeran's song "Thinking Out Loud" came on the radio. Without missing a beat my brother makes eye contact with her and sings:

"When your legs don't work like they used to before"

Why was the flat-chested college senior so well respected?

Because she was the head of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee.
(their influence and power knows no mounds)

What's the best way to ensure that Asia's senior citizens' pension programs are financially sound?

Sufficient amount of youth in Asia.

In Mexico every software developer

is senior

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes