Sends Jokes

153 sends jokes and hilarious sends puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sends that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Curious to know how one man's obsession with sending jokes via email led him to discover a hidden source of humor? Read our article to find out how he reads, sends, and finds the best jokes to email, and the unexpected outcome of his success!

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Funniest Sends Short Jokes

Short sends jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sends humour may include short sending jokes also.

  1. When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
  2. The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
  3. I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
  4. I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
  5. Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning.... We'll return him back to you.
  6. Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
  7. Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.
  8. what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
  9. A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones. The ones on daddy's computer.
  10. Watch out for that new "Peekaboo" variant the CDC has been warning about... It's been sending everyone to the ICU.

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Sends One Liners

Which sends one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sends? I can suggest the ones about wrong send and sells.

  1. When it comes to Putin you have to hand it him... Or he will send people to take it.
  2. Yo mama's so fat... ...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.
  3. I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars. I'm guaranteed to find water.
  4. Where do german parents send their ADD kids? Concentration Camps
  5. I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat He mistook it for a job offer. :(
  6. Happy thanksgiving Guys! I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.
  7. What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform? Send crudes.
  8. The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men. They are sending them out to sea.
  9. How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers
  10. What did the buffalo say before sending his son off to college? Bison.
  11. How does Dalai Lama send emails? With no attachments.
  12. If Kim Jong Un was a girl... Send nukes
  13. I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists. They send me new matches every week.
  14. How do ships flirt online? They send deck pics.
  15. What do you get if you send an anime fan to one of Saturn's moons? Otaku on Titan

Guy Sends Jokes

Here is a list of funny guy sends jokes and even better guy sends puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
    The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
    He says, "No! This is her husband!"
  • A guy calls 911 "Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"
    "Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?"
    "No it's her husband you idiot!"
  • Happy New Years 2013! Hey guys I'm sending this through Internet Explorer, hope you guys had a great 2012!
  • Women send Clitpics too. But guys just can't seem to find them.
  • I don't know who this Bill guy is, Can somebody tell me why they keep on sending me mail?
  • I hate looking for window treatment advice at the hardware store... They always send me a blind guy.
  • Happy Fourth of July Guys! I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.
  • Every time I over eat I send $10 to the guy from Titanic... It's the pay-Leo diet
  • Did you guys hear about that weird snapchat knockoff that only lets you send pictures of sausages? It has the wurst ratings.
  • I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract.... He reckons that many Hans make lights work.

Sends Message Jokes

Here is a list of funny sends message jokes and even better sends message puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary? It's not about the money, it's about sending a message.
  • I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl. I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.
  • Why do mailmans work for so little money? It's not about the money, it's about sending a message.
  • Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes... ... they are calling them "parallelograms".
  • I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household. And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.
  • One of my friend recently started working as a postman I asked him why are you working for such underpaying job?
    He said, "it's not about money it's about sending message"
  • My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing. She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.
  • I asked the mailman why he worked at such a low-paying job. He replied: It's not about the money. It's about sending a message.
  • pH number. So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"
    To which I reply, "7."
  • A man walks up to a mailman.. He went beside him and asked him..
    "Hey Carl, why do you still work as a mailman?"
    The mailman turned to him.
    "It's not about the money, it's about sending a message"
Sends joke, A man walks up to a mailman..

Sends joke, A man walks up to a mailman..

Hilarious Fun Sends Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about sends you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean responds jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sends pranks.

So there's a brunette a redhead and a blonde who are trying to escape from a prison. The guards are onto to them, so they all hide in sacks....

The guards see the sacks moving and sends over a soldier to poke each one of them with his gun.The guard pokes the first one and the brunette says "woof" and the guard goes "Oh it's just a dog" he pokes the second one and the redhead goes "meow" and the guard says "it's just a cat". He then pokes the third and the blonde goes "potatoes".

Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed...

...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.

My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Semper Fi, Motherf*****

A Taliban division is patrolling the desert when, over a nearby dune, they hear a voice call out "One Marine is worth 10 Taliban." The Taliban commander sends 10 of his men over the dune, and a gun battle ensues, then silence.
Then the voice laughs and says "One marine is tougher than 100 Taliban." Angered, the commander sends 100 of his troops over the dune. A fierce gun battle breaks out, then silence.
Then the voice once again calls out: "The Taliban are wimps. One Marine can smash 1000 of you cowards!" Enraged, the commander sends 1000 of his best men over the dune. Bullets are flying everywhere, grenades exploding left and right, and then silence again.
Then, through the smoke, one badly wounded Taliban soldier crawls back over the dune. He looks at his commander and says "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are actually TWO of them!"

Mailman's last day on the job.

After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:
Windows frozen, it won't open
Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside
Five minutes later, wife texts back.
Computer's really s**... up now...

A woman has twins...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

After the Great Flood

After the Great Flood, Noah sends the animals to go forth and multiply.
A pair of snakes stayed behind. Noah asked, why they stayed.
The pair of snakes replies We can't multiply, we're adders ...
so Noah builds them a log table

What Does Your Father Do?

It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"

A programmer...

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.

David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote...

David: "Hi mate just checking in, u k?"

A mexican boy with the desire to be white

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.
He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira la Abuela, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"

A man sends ten puns to a friend in an effort to make him laugh.

Alas, no pun in ten did.

I hate when someone I had s**... with in High School sends me a friend request on Facebook.

Request denied, Principle Anderson.

A man goes to a barbershop...

Asks the barber, what time do you close today? Barber says 4:30 and the man walks off. Man comes in the next day asks what time the barber closes shop, barber says 5 o'clock and the man walks off. This goes on for some time and one day the barber sends an apprentice to follow the man. The apprentice gets back. Barber asks "well who is this guy where does he walk off to every time" apprentice says "your place"

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

A little girl writes a Christmas letter to Santa

"Dear Santa, I want a fur coat and a scarf for Christmas." She goes to the post office and sends the letter. Next day the postman reads the letter and decides to give the girl a scarf for christmas. After christmas the postman gets another letter: " Santa, thanks for the scarf, but i bet the mailman took the coat!"

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...

On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

o**... Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

o**... Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.

She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."
The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."

what's it called when a mafia boss named Ana Conda sends his snobbish criminal henchman to go on a mission that includes said henchman going down multiple flights of stairs?

Conda sending condecending con decending

A blonde joins a Mexican cartel

The cartel sends her to Colombia to get coke and she brings Pepsi.

What do you say when h**... sends you a spicy meme?


School Teacher's Note

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

What's the worst thing your wife can text you after she sends you n**...?

"Oops, wrong person."

If someone sends you a link to download the Homer's Iliad, don't download it...

It's full of trojans!!

A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry

No pun in ten did.

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

Father and son

A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and s**... you."
"Dad! When you come up to s**... me, can you bring me a glass or water?"

What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone?

a Snapping Turtle

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

NASA sends out a probe to Uranus

Geeks around the world giggle.

Pro Tip - If a hot s**... female sends you a friend request on facebook..


Yo momma so fat

The U.N sends her a strongly worded letter for occupying too much space.

The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...

The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".

NASA sends an astronaut and a monkey to Mars.

NASA sends 1 austronaut and 1 monkey to Mars. Everyday the monkey receives instructions to do some task but the astronaut has no instructions. After 3 days he asks NASA to give him something to do. NASA replies; 'feed the monkey'.

What do you call a business that sends MILFs to your house?

Oedipal Arrangements

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

A programmer's wife sends him to the store and says get some bread, and

while you're there pick up some eggs.
The programmer never returns.

A dad sends his son to his room

"Go to your room!" Dad exclaimed, frustrated at his son's behavior.
"Jim Morrison is overrated!" yelled the son as he stormed down the hall.
The dad yelled furiously, "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?!"

One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,

He opened a furniture shop & a l**... shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 p**....
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.
With 1 mattress & with no p**...
I made $300,000.. ...

A woman gets a new number

She sends a text message to her husband.
W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight"
M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife"

A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:

Dearest Mom,
If you pull this ring, I'll be able to get 3 days leave.

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,
"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,
"Because they had eggs."

NASA sends probe to Uranus

people everywhere giggle

Man in Restaurant Sees Extremely Attractive Woman Sitting Alone...

so he decides to send her a nice bottle of wine. The waiter brings it and the lady looks at the bottle for a moment and sends a message back to the man.
It reads: 'For me to accept this bottle of wine you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a few million dollars in your bank, and seven inches in your pants.'
He reads the message, laughs, and sends back one of his own: 'Just send it back. I have a Ferrari, Mercedes, and a Corvette. I have twenty million in the bank and a house in Aspen, LA, and Miami.
But I will NEVER cut three inches off for any woman.'

A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.

A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband f**....
When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:
"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

Name an animal that begins with "E"

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E . One boy says, Elephant. Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T . The same boy says, Two elephants. The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M .The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: Maybe an elephant!

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

( •_•)>⌐■-■
In *da* pendent

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...

She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread.

As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.

One boy says: Elephant.
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: Two elephants.
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviour. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: Maybe an elephant!

The School teacher sent home a note with her student..

The note reads, Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.
Mother sends a note back the following day, Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'

Yo mama so fat...

That when she sends me n**..., my phone storage gets full.


A woman has twins and puts them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other one goes to a family in Mexico and is named Juan. Many years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. She forwards it to her husband, who asks for a picture of the other one.
They're twins. She says. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

The Wi-Fi at my parents' house is really slow, so I hope this sends...

but I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas for tomorrow!

A soldier's wife sends him.......

....a n**... photograph of herself with both legs wide open.
She adds the message, Love, I'll wait for you like this till you return.
Soldier: Oh, that's nice but who took that photo?

The mob boss sends two of his men to kill a gangster...

They park outside his house half an hour before his expected return, check their guns, and wait. Half an hour later, the gangster's not there. They keep waiting in silence, an hour passes - and he's not there. Time passes, and the target is still not home. Finally, one of the hitmen looks at the watch and says:
"We've been here for three hours, and he still ain't showed up."
"Jeez," the other hitman says, "I hope nothing happened to him."

DPRK sends astronaut to the sun

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:
North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!
His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:
How are you going to send people to the sun? It's too hot!
Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:
What an idiot! We can send them at night!
His advisors break out in applause. On hearing this Donald Trump says to his advisors:
What an idiot!…
There is no sun at night!

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?
"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.
"Because they had eggs" says the husband.

A Polish man sends his daughter abroad to study

She comes back and says "father I have a confession. I'm pregnant and I don't know who the father is!"
The Polish father buries his face in his hands and says "oh sweety, this can't be true!" He looks up at her and says "Are you sure it's yours?"

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

There has been an earthquake in Mexico...

300.000 casualties. Brazil sends medical help, Germany sends food, England sends money and the USA sends 500.000 Mexicans

I like how the girl that called me a loser in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like what are your plans for dinner and Your dad and I are going out for dinner there's food in the fridge

A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.

When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"
"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."
"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a s**..., second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

God sends his angel to find out what students do.

Angel returns: "Three months before exams. British students study, American students have parties, Russian students also have parties".
Next time angel reports: "One month before exams. British and American students study, Russian students have parties".
Next report: "One night before exams. British and American students learn their subjects, Russian students praying". God: "Well, if they pray, we'll help them!"

The Chinese pharmacist

A man sends his wife to pick up his erectile dysfunction medication.
She gets back and they get undressed and get down to business.
The wife stops and says our new pharmacist is a very nice Chinese man but talks too much politics but don't worry, I made sure your pills aren't made in Russia
Why would it matter if the Russians made my pills said the husband.
The wife responded well the pharmacist told me Russia was meddling in U.S erections


I've recently got a stalker. He's everywhere all the time. And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me. So I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."

So this guy sends his dad a h**... for his 80th birthday..

She bangs on the door and he opens it. Squinting at her he asks what she wants. She's replies that she's there for super s**.... He says, I'll take the soup.

What do you call it when the Pope sends letters to his forbidden past lovers?


A first place winner at the International Pun Contest

A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....

It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."

Sends joke, A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....

jokes about sends