sending Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious sending stories

What are the best Sending puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Sending? Well here is a complete list of Sending to have fun with:

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

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I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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Whales

So, there are two whales swimming around, when they see a boat. The first whale says, "Hey, let's go blow that boat over!" The second whale replies, "Alright, let's go." So the two whales blow the boat over, sending the crew members overboard. Then the first whale gets an idea, "We should go eat those crew members!" The second whale, disgusted, says, "Nah man, I'm always up for the occasional blowjob, but I never swallow the seamen."

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Automated robot car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said; "These are your children sir". In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.

The Wife said; Don't tell me all these are your children ?.

The man asked her calmly; Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?. ...

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What did the buffalo say before sending his son off to college?

Bison.

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What do you call it when Condoleezza Rice pushes a stuck-up criminal down a flight of stairs?

Conde sending condescending con descending.

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Catholic School

So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.

Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.

The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."

The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."

Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.

The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"

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Someone keeps sending me envelopes with cartoon dicks on them.

I hate junk mail.

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Blowjobs and Semen

So there's these two whales hanging in the ocean doin' whale stuff when one whale says to the other,
"Hey, wanna do something fun?"
"Uh, sure."
"Ok, I have an idea, you see that boat up there?"
"Yeah?"
"Wouldn't it be really really funny if we swim up to the boat and and knock it over with our blowholes, sending all the sailors into the water?"
"Yeah, lets do it!"
So the whales swim up and capsize the boat by blowing water out of their blowholes, flinging all the sailors into the water. They laugh and swim away. The first whale then says to the other whale,
"Hey, wouldn't it be really funny if we swam back there and ate the sailors?!"
"WOAH BRO" says the other whale,"I'll go for the occasional blow job, but you can make me swallow the seamen!"

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An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.

"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.

"Keep sending them!"

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I tried...

I tried reading a book about self-hypnosis but it keeps sending me to sleep.

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Civics teacher dropped this on us today.

Have you heard about the new Nasa program? They're fixing up one of their shuttles and sending some cows into space to study. It'll be the herd shot around the world!

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Did you guys hear about the Italian Chef that died recently?

>He pasta way.
>>We cannoli do so much.
>>>His legacy will become a pizza history.
>>>>Here today, gone tomato.
>>>>>How sad that he ran out of thyme.
>>>>>>Sending olive my prayers to the family.
>>>>>>>His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it.
>>>>>>>>You never sausage a tragic thing.
>>>>>>>>>I hope he wasn't Alfredo the end.
>>>>>>>>>>Did he die on the job? His family might be entitled to some compennesation.
>>>>>>>>>>>I doubt he'll see a penne of it.

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After a long discussion with his second in command, the commander-in-chief had made his decision.

He said, in a press conference, "we will be sending six thousand troops and a blonde with big tits to Ukraine."

There was a massive response over the following week in the media, asking "why are we sending a blonde with big tits to Ukraine!?"

The commander looked at the Vice President and said, "I told you nobody would care about us sending the troops!"

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Your mother is such a whore...

Groupon is sending me discount rates.

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Poor Bob in Hell

Poor Bob dies and his spirit heads up to Heaven. But at the Pearly Gates, he's told that he hasn't been good enough, he has to go down to Hell instead. So he does, and when he gets there, there's a long line of spirits waiting to be processed into Hell.

Bob watches for a while and sees that Satan seems to be sending some people off to the right through a big door, and other people would be tossed into a big pit of huge flames to the left. But once in a while, Satan would appear to deliberate over a person and then just chuck them into a pile off to the side.

When he finally made it to the front of the line, Bob couldn't help himself; he just had to know: he asked Satan, "Why didn't you throw those people in the pile into the pit of fire?"

Satan put his hands on his hips and shook his head, frustrated. "Oh, those people are from Seattle. They're too wet to burn!"

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A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby
Thanks for the 100 kisses.
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of
the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,so I gave him other items, I hope
you understand.
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can
survive the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your

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The Titanic and mayonnaise

What a lot of people don't know about the Titanic was that it was carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise to Mexico. In fact, the Mexican people were overjoyed to be receiving this fine delicacy.

Sadly, as we all know, the Titanic tragically sank, sending its many tons of mayonnaise to the bottom of the ocean. The Mexican people were saddened by this event, and dedicated an annual event to the remembrance of the mayonnaise

We call it Cinco de Mayo

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Why do parents send their toddlers to the army for daycare?

Because they're sending them to the infantry!

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I'm sending my daughter to secondary school

Where she will learn to milk time for all its worth.

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What do you call a peaceful Indian sending a picture in the mail of a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

Ghandi-sending a condescending con descending

Sorry.. I'm tired

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The farmer's daughters

A farmer's three daughters are going on a date the same night. Being the protective father that he is, the father insisted that he meet all three of his daughter's dates before sending them off. The first guy shows up and the farmer answers the door, brandishing his shotgun.

"H-hi sir, my name's Joe, I'm taking your daughter to the show, and I'll get her when she's good to go".

Satisfied, the farmer lets his oldest daughter go. The next guy arrives, and again the farmer answers the door with shotgun in hand.

"M-my name's Eddie, we're grabbin' spaghetti, I'll take her when she's ready".

The farmer nods and lets his second oldest go. The third one arrives, and once again has a shotgun pointed at his face.

"My name's Chuck-"

BLAM!

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I had a love child once.

Kept sending me hate mail.

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Topical Jokes for 1/12

The White House said that not sending a senior official to the Paris liberty march was a mistake. Joe Biden was supposed to fly there, but he's not allowed on a plane unless he's accompanied by an adult.

United Airlines is considering outsourcing jobs to cut costs. From now on, one lucky passenger will get to fly the plane, while being fed instructions from a customer-service rep in Mumbai.

In North Carolina, a woman accidentally shot her husband when he surprised her with breakfast in bed. The woman then saw he was carrying breakfast from Taco Bell -- and shot him again.

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It's date night for the farmer's daughters...

Being the protective father that he is, the father insisted that he meet all three of his daughter's dates before sending them off. The first guy shows up and the farmer is at the door, with shotgun at the ready.

"H-hi sir, my name's Joe, I'm taking your daughter to the show, and I'll get her when she's good to go".

Satisfied, the farmer lets his oldest daughter go. The next guy arrives, and again the farmer answers the door with shotgun in hand.

"M-my name's Eddie, we're grabbin' spaghetti, I'll take her when she's ready".

The farmer nods and lets his second oldest go. The third one arrives, and once again has a shotgun pointed at his face.

"My name's Chuck-"

BLAM!

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Racist Humor Told to me by my grandfather when I was a boy

Clyde liked to drink in the morning before going to his job as a bus driver delivering African American children to their school. One morning he drank a little too much and while speeding he wrecked the bus sending it into a viscous tumbling roll.

His body relaxed from the alcohol, Clyde suffered no injuries. He crawled from the wreckage and dug a hole where he tossed all the black kids into. He patted down the dirt on top as the sheriff arrived.

"What the hell happened, Clyde?"
"Drank a little too much, wrecked the bus and now I'm burying all the dead nigger kids."
"How'd you know they all was dead, Clyde."
"Well, I asked a couple of them but you know how them niggers lie."

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Only in America....

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians use a pencil.

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One Way trip to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. Two millions dollars, the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, " I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

**

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Hey guess what?

Me: Nvm.. you wont under stand

You: No tell me..

Me: I'm sending you a stand, will you stand under it and take a pic?

You: What are you talking about?

Me: Told you that you wont under stand...

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One my grandmother told me . . .

Little Susie's mother was sending her to the corner grocery store. "Ask for a pound of dried peas," she said. "And don't forget to ask Mr. Jones how his wife is feeling. She had a bad fall last week."
So Little Susie walks to the grocery repeating to herself, "A pound of dried peas, and how is your wife feeling? A pound of dried peas and how is your wife feeling?"
So she finally gets to the grocery store and goes up to Mr. Jones behind the counter.
"Well hello, Little Susie," said Mr. Jones. "What can I do for you?"
Little Susie replied in one breath, "I would like a pound of dried peas, and how is your wife feeling?"
"Split or whole?" said Mr. Jones.
Little Susie's eyes bulged out. "She DID?!"

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Earthquake

Nigeria suffered from a severe earthquake last week, resulting in the dead of 12000 inhabitants. The EU is sending first aid and some countries add their own contributions. France is sending military troops to rebuild the country, Germany is sending food packets and Holland is sending 12000 niggers.

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The Viper

One day a man gets a phone call: "The Viper is coming in two days!" an ominous voice says, and hangs up.

The man is confused, not knowing who this Viper is or why he is coming. The more he thinks about it, the more worried he becomes.

The next day, another phone call: "The Viper is coming tomorrow!" The same ominous voice. "Wait!" the man says, "who is the Viper and why is he coming?" But the voice had already hung up.

Scared now, the man begins to think about people he had wronged and who could possibly be sending someone called the Viper for him. He thinks of his ex-wife, his old business partner, clients and rivals, but cannot come up with anyone who would hate him enough to want him dead.

So the next day the phone rings, "H-h-h-hello?" the man answers. "The Viper is coming in one hour." "Oh, God," the man cries, "why are you torturing me like this. Just come over here and *do it already*! You sadistic bastard!" But the voice had already hung up.

Exactly one hour later there is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" the man asks. In reply he hears another knock. "Who is it?" he asks, louder, getting more frightened. Again, there is no reply but another knock. Frantic now, fearing for his life, the man tears open the door shouting, **"Alright, do it! Just do it already I can't take it anymore!"** To which the small Eastern European lady standing outside his door replies "Alright. I'm the viper, I'm here to vash and vipe the vindows!"

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A Seattleite dies in a car crash.....

When he is by the Gate of Heaven, Satan walks by him and says:


"I'm sorry, Mr. Seattleite, but you had committed so much sin, you are unable to go to Heaven."



Exasperated, the Seattleite, drops to his knees & says:


"I'm sorry, Satan, please don't send me to hell!"



"I'm not sending you to hell"



"You're not?"



"I've got a place even worse then Hell for you"



"Whats that?"




"Oklahoma City"


"Of course

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Two Jews win the lotto.

"But Hershel! What will we do about the begging letters?!"

"Oy, Hyman, dont worry. We'll just keep sending them!"

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This is what happens when midgets buy horses with lisps.

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse." A female horth," the midget replies.So the owner shows him one." Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse s mouth." Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes." Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears." OK, finally, I d like to see her twat," said the midget.With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase.I'd like to see her run!"

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This is why midgets with lisps don't buy horses.

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend" I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse." A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one." Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth." Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes." Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears." OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat," said the midget. With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

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A rich and proud man dies while his son is out of the country.

The son calls the funeral director and says he wants the best for his father's funeral and will settle the bill when he gets back. A few weeks later the son returns and pays the $22,000 charge. A bill comes the following week for $79. The son pays that as well. The next week another $79 bill arrives. The son calls the funeral director. "Why do you keep sending me bills for $79?" he asks.
"You said you wanted the best for your father" replies the funeral director "so I rented him a tux."

-APHC

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I was having trouble sending text messages to my friend yesterday - so I text him "test" this AM.

He quickly responded back - "icle"........

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There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family...

There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family. He was a very smart boy, but he never did well in school because he lacked motivation. His parents tried everything: meeting with his teachers, one on one tutoring, etc.; however, nothing seemed to help. Eventually, they decided to send him to a private school, thinking a different environment would him good. Unfortunately, there are not many Jewish private schools, so they had to settle on sending him to a Catholic school. Surprisingly, this worked. The parents got his first report card and were astounded: all A's. The parents wondered what brought about the change. They said to their son "You made all A's! Even in math! (previously his worst subject) what changed?" The son replied "When I walked in on the first day and saw the Jewish guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

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If the employees in your human resources department were all very into Aleutian sea birds. . .

Around Christmas time, everyone would be sending HR Puffin Stuff.

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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity...

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C ...






The Russians used a pencil.

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Great Britain - We are sending ground forces into West Africa to combat the deadly virus, 'Ebola', and we are sending humanitarian aid to combat the terrorist organisation, 'ISIS'.

How we ever won two world wars I'll never know.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best sending jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty sending gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these sending jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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