Send Heaven Jokes

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

A man is drowning near a beach

A small boat approaches, and a man asked :" Do you need help?".
The other answer: " No, God will save us." .
So the boat go away, but they have remorse, so they come back and ask once again. But the answer was the same.
This happens once more, before the boat go away for good.
Then the man, too tired, finally drown and die.
He go to heaven, and ask God : "Why you don't save me?"
God answers : " I send the boat 3 times in a row, what more could I have done?"
Credit to grandma, sorry for any mistake in the translation.

A priest is sinking into quicksand...

A firefighter comes and ask him if he wants some help to get out of the quicksand. The priest answers: '' No thanks, I'm a believer and I'm sure God will send his help to save me''. Then the firefighter goes away.
A bit later an entire fire truck comes and asks if they could help him cause he's already sunk until his hisps. But once again the priest refuses.
When the priest is nearly sunk, the fire truck comes to help him but the priest refuses frankly and finally die.
Once in heaven, the priest meet God and asks him: '' I've always believed in you, why didn't you save me? ''
'' Are you kidding? '' answers God '' I send three times the firefighters! ''

The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.
First he goes to the French and says:
"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"
"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"
"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.
The Angel then goes to the Germans:
"I have new Commandments from God."
"Ja? Vat do they say?"
"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"
The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"
The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:
"I have new Commandments from God..."
"How much?"
"Well...they're free"
"We'll take ten."

The flood is coming.

It was all over the news, "the flood is coming." Being the devout man he was, Johnny decided to wait until God sent him a sign before he evacuated.
The water came up to his doorstep and his neighbor paddled by with a canoe. "Get in!" his neighbor yelled. "No, I'm waiting for a sign from God," he replied.
And he waited.
The water came up to his second floor. Johnny got on his roof. The Coast Guard came by with a helicopter. Johnny refused to get in. "I'm waiting for a sign from God," he yelled.
Johnny drowns and goes to heaven. Upon meeting God, he asks God "why didn't you send me a sign!? I'm a devout guy, all I needed was a sign."
God replies, "I put it on the news, I sent a canoe and I sent a helicopter! What else do you want from me!?"

Lord is my Savior

Father Jones was barely alive, clinging to the remaining wooden flanks of the sinking ship he was on. Rescue boats were busy rescuing other survivors in the ocean as soon as possible, but Father Jones wouldn't want any of that for himself. Being an ardent believer, he insisted *''Lord is my savior!''*, when a lifeboat came to rescue him. After almost an hour, another rescue boat came to search for anyone remaining alive, and they spotted Father Jones, who, as usual, insisted *''Lord is my savior!''*. The rescue boat finally went reluctantly.
Finally, after two hours, Father Jones managed to reach the Pearly Gates of Heaven. He prostrated before Jesus and said *"Lord my God, thank you for bestowing this grace upon me by showing yourself to me. I just have one question. All my life, I have firmly believed that you would always be there save me. Why did you not save me?"*
And Jesus spoke *"Well, my child, what do you think I was sending those rescue boats for?"*

A disastrous flood hit a small town...

and a Christian woman trapped on top of her roof. The water level was rising and she was in serious danger.
A rescue boat went pass and the rescuer shouted, "Get on the boat now, you're going to drown!".
"No, I believe that God will save me." The woman replied.
"Alright, then." The rescue boat left.
Later on, a helicopter went pass and the rescuer shouted, "Grab the rope and get on the helicopter now, you're going to drown!".
"No, I believe that God will save me." The woman replied.
"Alright, then." The rescue helicopter left.
Soon, the water level rose and she died.
As she approached God in heaven, she was really mad and yelled, "Why God, why didn't you save me? I believed in you!"
God calmed her down and said, "Well, I did send the boat and the helicopter."

A joke I've known since primary school.

A huge flood occured one day, and an entire town is swallowed up by the water.
A man driving a boat comes by a man that's trying to stay afloat.
**"Quick, get on my boat!",** he said.
The semi-drowning man replies that God will send him help and save him. And so the man left.
Another man comes by a boat and yell's at the man, "**Hey!** ^~~Listen!~~ **Get on my boat!"**
Once again, the man replies that God will send him help and save him.
And so the man left, and with that, the man drowns.
Upon death, the man wakes up in Heaven to see God.
He asks, **"God, why didn't you send me help?"**
God replies, **"What do you mean? I sent you two boats!"**

God sends an angel down from Heaven...

...To bring the commandments to the people of the world, first the angel visits the French and he says "I have these commandments for you, they'll make your lives better"
"Well, what are they?" asked the French
"Thou shalt not commit adultery" replied the angel
"Bah, we're not interested" the French scoffed, and he waved the angel away. Next the angel went to the Germans and offered them the commandments, "What are they?" the Germans asked.
"Thou shalt not kill" said the angel
"Thou shalt not kill?" said the Germans "I think not" And they waved the angel off
Next the angel went to the Italians and offered them the commandments, "What are they?" the Italians asked.
"Thou shalt not steal" said the angel
"Ah, go away" Said the Italians, and they waved the angel off
Then the angel went to the Jews and said "Look, I've got these commandments..."
"How much are they?" asked the Jews
"They're free"
"We'll take ten"

There was a support group for ugly people.

and each month when they would meet, there would be a small bus to pick them all up and take them to the meeting. Well one stormy night after picking everyone up the bus driver lost control of the bus on a bridge and it plummeted into the water and all of those hideous ugly people drowned.
So they go to heaven and St. Peter is there and he says
"Wow, you guys had it rough! I mean look at you!"
and then he says
"You know what? I am going to give each of you one wish, and then send you back to earth, here line up and tell me what your wish is."
So the ugly people lined up and the person in the front of the line says
"Oh I got it!, I want to be beautiful!"
So St. Peter complied.
The next person in line sees what happened to the first person
and says "Make me beautiful too!"
So he did.
At that moment, there seemed to be someone giggling from the end of the line. St. Peter didn't know what was so funny but he kept on granting wishes and one by one each person in line asked to be beautiful.
Finally St Peter gets to the end of the line and the last person is just about to explode with laughter. He can hardly contain himself.
St Peter says... "Ok.. what is your wish?"
and the man says
"Make em' all ugly again!"

Uncles f**... tomorrow- his fave joke

Tomorrow morning is my Uncle/Godfather's f**.... In honor of him I present to you his favorite joke, one I heard multiple times a week until he lost the ability to speak about ten years ago. *this is to the best of my memory*
This guy dies and goes to heaven, when he gets to the Pearly Gates, St peter checks the list and tells him he can enter. The guy asks St Peter if he has everyone that will be going to heaven on that list. St Peter answers 'yes'. He then asks St Peter if his brothers and sisters are on the list, to which St Peter replies 'yes' as well. So the guy asks St Peter if he enjoys spending his time outside the gates of Heaven. St Peter tells him 'No, but somebody has to inform people if they are getting into Heaven or not.' So they guy tells St Peter, 'instead of standing at the Pearly Gates waiting to let people know if they're going to Heaven why don't you just send everybody a letter?' St Peter likes that idea and sends the letter to the guys brothers and sisters and everybody on the list. When they got that letter they opened it up, and do you know what that letter said?.......No? I didn't get one either.

Bob and Jim.

Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, "After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there is baseball in heaven or not?" Bob agrees and passes soon after. A week goes by and Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with Bobs ghost standing in front of him. Bob says, "Jim, I have some good news and some bad news." Jim replies, "What's the good news? Is there baseball in heaven?" "Yes." says Bob. "So then what could be the bad news?!" asks Jim. Bob answers, "You're pitching Tuesday."

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two h**...
and a future congressman."

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."

A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together.
God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again."
God said, "It is done!"
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"