semi Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious semi puns

Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

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Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

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What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty?

Pessimist Prime

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I witnessed a huge accident on the highway today involving a semi truck packed full of toupees that overturned.

police are still there combing the scene.

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Bowling Ball Delivery

A semi truck driver is hired to deliver a load of bowling balls from Houston to Atlanta. He gets a bonus if he gets it there in under twenty four hours. He's speeding down the highway when he sees two black men walking with a bike. They flag him down and he pulls over. They ask him for a ride since their bike chain was broken. He asks them where they're headed. They tell him that they are headed to a small town in Louisiana. He says "Hop in the back, that's right on my way". They climb in the back. The driver is behind schedule so he goes even faster than before. He is nearly at the border of Texas and Louisiana when he's pulled over by a state trooper. The state trooper walks up to the truck and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The driver explains that he has an important delivery that has to be in Atlanta by tomorrow. "Mind if I take a look in the back?" The driver agrees and the officer walks to the back of the trailer. Moments later he runs back. "Sorry for taking your time. Go ahead." The driver is confused but continues on his way. He finally makes it into Louisiana (still speeding) and is pulled over by another state trooper. The officer starts to walk up to the window when a car speeds up and stops next to him. It was the officer form earlier. Frantically, he yells "Stop! He's got a trailer full of nigger eggs in the back and two of them already hatched and stole a bike!"

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A blond is driving down a California highway and sees a semi pulled over on the side of the road broken down. She asks the driver "do you need a ride." The semi driver says "no I'll fix the truck but I have 2 chimps that need to get to the San Diego zoo, I'll give you $100 if you take them there."

"Sure" says the lady. He helps her get them strapped in and she was on her way. A few hours later the semi driver got into San Diego and sees this woman walking down the street with the chimps. He pulls over and hollers "What the hell? I gave you $100 to take these chimps to the San Diego zoo." Looking confused the lady responds "we did go to the zoo, we have change left over so we are going to SeaWorld."

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what do you call a semi cool vegetable

rad-ish

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What do a truck driver and a slightly aroused man have in common?

They both have a semi.

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So This Hitchhiker is walking down the Highway.....

He has long dark hair, a big parka, a giant backpack, and a hat on. As each car approaches he sticks out his thumb. Eventually a semi truck pulls over and says, do you need a lift? The hitchhiker says, yes thank you and gets in the truck. They drive a mile down the road in complete silence. Eventually the hitchhiker turns to the truck driver and says, you know, with this big jacket on and my hat and long hair, I bet you didn't know if I was a guy or a girl. The truck looks him up and down, and is quiet for a moment. Eventually he looks back at the hitchhiker and says, doesn't matter imma fuck you anyway.

Courtesy of my elderly grandfather.

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Hey girl, do you like trucks?

Cause I got a semi.

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Why was the Englishman's wife unhappy?

Cause he could only get a semi

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1. Go to seminary.

2. Get degree.
3. ???
4. Prophet.

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Bubba n' Buford

Bubba n' Buford were sittin' on their porch one afternoon drinkin' beer n' bein' entertained by the bug zapper when this semi haulin' sod comes over the hill n' passes in front of their trailer. Bubba declares, "When we get rich I'm gonna do that!". Buford, asks "Do what?". Bubba looks at Buford like he's a idiot n' says, "Well duh, send our grass out to get it cut like them folks!".

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"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she
queried.
"It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."

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If you survive colon cancer

Are you only left with a semi colon?

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The circle

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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It was my turn to drive in the car pool to work today.

After I picked up Steve we had to drive through a tunnel. There was a semi truck coming down the wrong lane and I had to swerve to moss him. When I got to work my wrist was hurting really bad. It must have been from that car pool tunnel.

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Did you hear about all the smartphones that got stolen from a semi stalled on the interstate?

It was Huawei robbery.

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Going to a seminar on patience

Can't wait!

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What did the semicolon get after breaking the grammar law

Two consecutive sentences

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What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

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Truck drivers...

Truck drivers are semi skilled workers.

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Seminar about time travel

will be held yesterday.

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At a welcome seminar at a senior assisted living facility...

...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".

He continued "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired... "How much for a season pass?"

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How did the semi-literate blonde drown?

After years of seeing the billboards and flyers, she decided it was time to do her part to help shave the whales.

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What do you call a stripper with a 9mm up her ass?

A split sentence, because she's putting a semi in the colon.

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Seminar topic at the annual vampire conference

"How to Deal with Stakeholders"

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What do you call a tortoise that got ran over by a semi truck?

A tortilla.

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England manager Gareth Southgate is like really cheap Viagra...

He looks like he's going to do really well, looks the real deal, but won't get you anywhere past a semi.

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Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

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Sunday, March 4, 2017:

World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, boasting in an open foyer.

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Viagra are proud sponsors of the England Team

For those who can only reach a semi

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I was chatting to this extraordinarily attractive girl the other day...

"What do you do for a living?"' I asked her.

"Real estate, you know, selling houses, apartments etc, What do you have?" she replied.

"At the moment', I replied, "I just happen to have a semi".

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Armed robbers have recently stolen a semi trailer full of Viagra

The police had said to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals

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England playing in the semis tonight,

I haven't been this nervous about a semi since my uncle walking into the shower room

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What are the most funny Semi jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Semi? Well, here are the best Semi dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Semi pick up lines to share with friends.

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