Semen Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Semen puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Semen

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

Locked in her basement

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.

One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"

So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.

Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement?

My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark

How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

I like my women like I like my wine

12 years old and locked in the basement

I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk

He's essentially a giant banner

How many dead hookers do you need to change a light bulb?

Dunno. Seven's not the answer though, my basement is still dark

Why don't they put advertisements on the Hulk?

He's basically a huge banner.

How many corpses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It must be more than eight, 'cause my basement's still dark.

Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday

Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.

A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest

So I entered my friend

Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know yet. My Basement is still dark.

I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth...

...my basement door doesn't lock properly

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Definitely not 9, my basement is still dark

Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?

Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.

As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...

HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!!

He hanged himself in the basement!

When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

I like my women how I like my light bulbs...

Not too bright, easy to turn on and hanging from electrical wire in my basement.

What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks?

Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but I have 3 in my basement and I still can't see a thing.

I'm 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model!

She's in my basement, any suggestions?

What can't you hide in a basement full of dead hookers?

My erection

How many abducted women does it take to change a light bulb?

Five is apparently not enough because my basement is still dark.

What do you call a basement full of feminists?

A whine cellar.

I'm thinking of starting a youth foundation...

I mean I've already got like 30 kids buried in my basement.

Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day....

Let him out of your basement and he can go back to his family.

How many dead hooker's in your basement does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it's not 4

It's ironic Whitney Houston did all those Pepsi endorsements

Then over dosed on Coke

I like my women like I like my wine...

...locked in a dark basement for several years until they are mature enough to enjoy.

Trump, Pence, Bannon, Sessions, Pompeo, Flynn, Priebus, Tillerson.

Not sure Trump knows this but traditionally, you only need 4 horsemen.

They say if you love something set it free...

but I don't really love the hookers in my basement.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

Definitely more than 6, because my basement is still dark

A men goes to a priest...

-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-

Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...

They both

* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement

Scientists and spiders.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let everyone know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.

'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'

The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'

The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'

The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.

The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'

The spider didn't move.
'Move right'

Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...

but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

"I define myself to be on the outside."

Why i love redheads?

Because if roof is rusty it's always wet in basement.

A monk decides to become a scribe...

When he arrives at the scribes' church, he meets the bishop and begins his apprenticeship. While checking a scroll, he has question and approaches the bishop for help. The bishop decides to check the original scroll in the catacombs, so he descends into the basement of the church. Several hours later, since he hasn't returned, the monk goes down into the catacombs to find him.

The monk finds the bishop laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutching the scroll to his chest and sobbing. With tears in his eyes, he looks up at the monk and says...

"It says 'celebrate'."

Two Women Talking in Heaven

1 Woman: Hi, Wandal

2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1 Woman: I froze to death.

2 Woman: How horrible!

1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1 Woman: So what happened?

2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.

There once was a man who made dead houses.

There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

Taking the kids out

A husband and wife were discussing what to do with their two kids on the weekend. "They want to go to the zoo and the amusement park" said the wife.

"That's too expensive" said the husband. "It'll have to be one or the other."

"Well, which do you think?"

"Probably Mikey."

So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...

And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs.
"Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."

I like my girls the way I like my Whiskey.

Eighteen years old, moist and preferably in a basement.

I trapped a bunch of vegans in my basement

I'm not actually sure if If they're vegans, but they keep shouting lettuce leaf!

I cannot understanf why Marvel haven't put advertisements on the Hulk...

... He is essentially a giant banner

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them

"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!

Eat up!

Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

A young monk arrives at a monastery...

and is assigned to be a scribe. While patiently copying his first text, he notices that all the scribes are copying from copies, not the original texts. He tells this to the head monk, and he replies "My son, we have been doing this for generations. The original texts are kept safe in the basement. If you wish to see them yourself, you have my permission."
So, the eager young monk decides to see the original texts himself. However, after he disappears into the dark basement, he is not seen for hours and hours. Finally, the head monk decides to go down to see what's going on.

By the dim light of a single candle, he sees the young monk stooped over an ancient tome, sobbing uncontrollably. When the head monk asks what's the matter, the young monk turns around and whimpers:

"It said celebrate! *Celebrate*!"

What did Dr.Dre say to Lil Wayne?

Nothing, you idiots! Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in Eminem's basement!

Did you know Hellen Keller had an amusement park in her backyard?

Neither did she.

I have the body of an 18 year old...

I keep it in my basement.

Old Lady Laughing at The Dentist.

An old lady went in for her dental appointment and was real nervous so the dentist tries to calm her down with an interesting fact.
Dentist:"Did you know the way they used to make latex gloves is they had the factory workers stick their hands in Vats of Latex?"

The old lady nods in amusement and minutes later starts giggling.

Dentist: "What is so funny?"

Old Lady:" I was just thinking about how they used to make condoms."

(Unoriginal Joke heard on the streets).

I was watching TV last night...

When an advertisement came on showing one of those African babies covered in flies.I immediately ran for the phone and rang the number that came up on the screen.
"I want one of those", I said,"they work much better than those sticky strips I hang from my ceiling".

Daughter's Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

A man walks into an empty bar

...and asks the bartender for a beer. He gets the drink and then the bartender excuses himself to go to the basement. While the man drinks, he hears a voice say *"nice shirt"*. He's confused because there is no one in the bar so he figures it's his imagination.

A couple minutes later, he hears the same voice say *"nice shoes"*. The man is really surprised now so when the bartender returns, he asks - *"the beer is great but I'm hearing this voice that says nice shirt and then nice shoes."*

The bartender points to a bowl of peanuts on the bar and says *"it's the peanuts."* The man is confused so the bartender says, *"It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."*

A woman meets her friend in heaven

She says Marge!! I didn't know you died! What Happened?"
"I froze to death"
"Oh my God! Was it horrible?"
"Not really I guess...I got real cold, got the shivers, then went numb. I just drifted off. But what about you? I didn't know you died"
"Yeah.crazy thing. I knew my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. He was just sitting there watching TV...but I knew she was there. I ran through all the bedrooms, looked in the closets, under the beds, ran up to the attic...checked the basement...and I had a heart attack!!"
Marge sighs..." Too bad you didn't check the freezer first. We'd both still be alive."

What's more horrifying than finding a stack of dad's playboys in the basement?

Realising one of them's still breathing.

My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.

'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'

The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.

'Spider, walk left'

The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.

'Spider, move right.'

The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.

The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.

'Move left'

The spider didn't move.

'Move right'

Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.

'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Why doesn't Bill Gates have a basement?

He likes windows

Two ladies meet in heaven

Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?
Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."
Susan: "Really? What happened?"
Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."
Susan: "And...?"
Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."
Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."

How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than three because the basement is still dark!


*(Just heard this today, even though I know it's probably old!)*

If Only You Had Looked

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles, and sees an advertisement for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque New Mexico. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Good grief, is that where the job is?'
'No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now...

How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?

Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.

as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask

"Are these from your seat ? "

I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm

It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.

I didn't sleep a wink last night because my neighbor was screaming her head off.

I think she doesn't like my basement.

Adblock

Adblock has been so useful getting rid of advertisements, but for some reason all the single ladies in my area stopped wanting me

A young nun at a convent

A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.

And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.

After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know what she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.

At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"

What do you call a bunch of Democrats in a basement?

A whine cellar.

I feel for Hillary Clinton

The FBI found a server in my basement too. She was from Hooters I think.

Physics Teacher's Story

Speed and Velocity are brothers.

Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.

Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.

Speed lacks Direction.

Lock an astronomer in a basement...

and they'll go star craving mad.

What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common?

They're both incontinence down under.

Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas!

Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!

Women are like fine wine

you gotta keep them in a basement

A One Line Advertisement By A Married Man

For Sale: Wedding Suit, Worn Only Once By Mistake

The best part about owning a pet.

You can blame your dog for farting,
you can blame your cat for things falling over at night, and you can blame your goldfish for the screaming in the basement.

Pedophiles like their wine like they like their girls

9 years old and locked up in the basement

Two men died and were in line at the pearly gates

Two men appeared at the pearly gates together. Seeing that there was a line to get in, they struck up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" Said the first man to the second.

"I suffocated and froze to death in a deep freeze. I wouldn't recommend it as a good way to go. You?"

"Oh it was horrible," said the first. "I came home early from work and heard my wife having sex upstairs. I crept up the back staircase to catch them in the act, but they heard me and he took off down the main stairs. I ran the rest of the way up the stairs, then back down the front stairs, only to hear the basement door slam shut. Between running up and down the stairs and all the stress from the ordeal, I dropped dead of a heart attack in the living room."

"That's horrible," says the second. "If you'd have made it to the basement and looked in the freezer I'd probably still be alive."

Barrack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel are having a meeting...

...and at one point they start bragging about their submarine fleets. Obama goes: "We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 4 months straight", to wich Putin replies: "Phwahaha, thats nothing! We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 8 months!" After that, they look at Angela, wondering what she has to say. And with a lot of embarassement and insecurity in her voice she says: "i don't really know a thing about our fleet...so i cant tell"

And just at that moment a submarine emerges at the naval base in Kiel, a sailor steps out and yells: "Heil Hitler! We need diesel!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes