sells Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious sells puns

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

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I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.

He's a small arms dealer.

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I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

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I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

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EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

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What's baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

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If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

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A baby is born

And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.

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It's difficult to say what my wife does.

She sells seashells on the seashore

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I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

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I started a company

I started a company that sells land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

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Its difficult to say what my wife does

She sells seashells by the sea shore.

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I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

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What do you call a black guy who sells drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist ass.

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A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"

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A UNIX Salesperson

A unix salesperson named Lenore

Loved her job, but loved the beach more.

She devised such a way

to combine work and play:

She sells C-shells by the seashore

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A Woman Walks Into A Drugstore And Asks...

the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

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Its hard to say what my wife does for a living...

...because she sells seashells on the seashore

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I heard the titanic got a new job...

She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.

I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.

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An man goes to buy some Viagra.

He explains to the doctor that a couple of young girls are staying at his place for the weekend. The doctor sells him the pills, and sends him on his way. On Monday, the man comes back and asks for some painkillers. The doctor says, "What did you do to cause so much pain to your penis?" The man says, "Oh, these aren't for my penis. They're for my wrist. The girls never showed up!"

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Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Fuck!''

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There's no easy way to say this.....

She sells sea shells on the sea shore, the shells that she sells are sea shells for sure.

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The Voice

A guy is at work when he hears a voice in his head.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.

He ignores the voice, but it keeps coming back.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money,and go to Las Vegas.

Months go by, and the voice won't stop.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.

Finally the guy can't take it anymore. He quits his job. He sells his house. He takes all the money and buys a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

The second the plane touches down, he hears the voice in his head:

Go to a casino.

He goes to a casino.

Find the roulette table.

He finds the roulette table.

Put everything on 17 Black.

He puts everything on 17 Black. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up Red 36.

The voice in his head says: Fuck.

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What do you call a woman who sells sex for noodles?

A Pasta-tute!

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What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military?

An arms dealer.

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A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.

As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"

The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

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In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine

... runs off ...

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What do you call a bakery that only sells bagels and donuts?

Hole foods

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A very attractive, well dressed, woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.

She looks around and finds the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. Good day Miss, how may we help you today?


Very uncomfortably she asks, Sir, how much does this rug costs?


He answers, Lady, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is!

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If you have two cows,

Socialism: The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor

Communism: You give them to the government and the government gives you some milk

Fascism: You keep the cows and give the milk to the government, then the government sells you some milk

New Dealism: You shoot one and milk the other, then you pour the milk down the drain

Nazism: The government shoots you and keeps the cows

Capitalism: You sell one and buy a bull. Then put both of them in your wife's name and declare bankruptcy.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned

Binaryism: You have 10 cows

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What do you call someone who sells prosthesis to kids?

Small arms dealer.

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What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

Telling your parents you found a place that still sells rollerblades.

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A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs...

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.

She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect
it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that
moment.

As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks,"Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit yourself when you hear what the price is."

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What do you call a factory which sells passable products?

A satisfactory.

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What do you call a shop that sells aquatic vessels?

A boat-ique.

...I'll get my coat.

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What are the most funny Sells jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Sells? Well, here are the best Sells dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Sells pick up lines to share with friends.

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