Selling Jokes
170 selling jokes and hilarious selling puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about selling that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Is it time to sell your jokes to the world? Learn how to sell faster than a car, house, or any other asset. Explore the skills of a successful seller and salesperson in the world of amphibious comedy.
Quick Jump To
- Short Selling Jokes
- Selling One Liners
- Buying And Selling Jokes
- Car Selling Jokes
- Selling House Jokes
- Selling Your House Jokes
- More Selling Jokes
Funniest Selling Short Jokes
Short selling jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The selling humour may include short sales jokes also.
- I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
- A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting. I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
- Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
- This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
- Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
- I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living. He can't take it, but he can dish it out.
- I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25 Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
- I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.
- A guy stopped me on the street today and tried to sell me a coffin... I said "That's the last thing I need"
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Selling One Liners
Which selling one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with selling? I can suggest the ones about sold and seller.
- What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!
- I am selling my username. It's just under a buck.
- How to become a millionaire: Step One: Be a billionaire
Step Two: Short sell $GME - I have a T-Rex who sells me guns. He's a small arms dealer.
- A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him, that's the last thing I need.
- What do you call a black man selling drugs? A pharmacist, you racist.
- What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera.
- What's baked every day and sells itself? My sister.
- If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells banana, what does farmer C sell? Medicine
- How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
- I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... All it does is collect dust.
- Looking to sell my delorean Good shape, low milage.
Only driven from time to time. - What do you call someone who buys and sells shrimps? A prawn broker
- Due to rising costs, Old mcdonald had to sell his farm. E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
- It's difficult to say what my wife does. She sells seashells on the seashore
Buying And Selling Jokes
Here is a list of funny buying and selling jokes and even better buying and selling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15. Did you make a prophet?
- Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME. As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.
- The government offered to buy back all my guns I turned them down
I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime. - The best thing about time machines ... ... is that you can buy it used and sell it new.
- A man walks into a store "I'd like to buy an owl."
"We don't sell owls here."
"Someone told me you did."
"Who?"
"I just heard one." - How do you get an accordion to sound like a violin? Sell it and buy a violin.
- [OC] In my day we used to use subliminal advertising to sell candy. And, buy gum, it worked!
- Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism. But I'm not buying it.
- BAD MATH JOKE TIME. For pi day, my friend was selling pies as a fundraiser, so because I love pie, I decided to buy two.
I went from 0 to 2π.
I went absolutely nowhere. - Two Jews working in a shop. One of them asks:
-Abraham, how much is 13 times 8?
-Are we buying or selling?
Car Selling Jokes
Here is a list of funny car selling jokes and even better car selling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Doctor made me walk again... Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill
- Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!
- The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars. Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.
- The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks I had to sell my car to pay the bill
- 'When one door closes another one opens,' he said. 'That is great,' I replied, 'nevertheless I want you to repair the car before you sell it to me.'
- What is the top selling car in Iceland? The Fjord Fjusion
- I just starred in a movie about a guy who sells car parts Don't worry, I won't give away any spoilers
- I decided to watch some YouTube videos today Should I sell my car or house first
- Why are sheep biased when it comes to car sales? They only buy and sell Ram
- Why did the bean sell his car? The back seat didn't have enough legume.
Selling House Jokes
Here is a list of funny selling house jokes and even better selling house puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm selling some jokes about chimneys. I have a stack of them, the first one's on the house.
- My job is selling houses in places like Narnia, Middle-Earth, Neverland, Oz and Wonderland. I'm a Not Real Estate Agent.
- Did you hear they're selling the house where they filmed American History X? The interior is okay but it has really bad curb appeal.
- I've been trying to sell my child to any house that will take her. I'm a daughter door salesman.
- Why didn't Beethoven sell his house? He put it up Fur Elise!
- Oh If These Walls Could Talk..... I would sell the house! That son of a b@$&h is possessed!
- Why are realtors good at selling houses? They're good at ceiling deals.
- Why did the Real Estate Agent fail to sell the house next to a horse stable? Because his clients were worried about the neigh-bors.
- Recently discovered that my local coffee house sells my favorite soup... MISO HAPPY! :D
- Did you hear about the blind fella going from house to house trying to sell his dog? He was Labrador-to-door salesman
Selling Your House Jokes
Here is a list of funny selling your house jokes and even better selling your house puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why couldn't the dog sell his house? Because he couldn't get out of his leash.
- What kind of house does someone with obesity sell? A double wide
- So I caught the realtor selling luf house sniffing my sisters underwear.... Pretty weird considering my dad is the one selling our house
- Man in the book store a man enters a bookstore and asks: do you have a book called " men- king of the house"
gets a reply: No, we don't sell fairy tales here. - So the Middle Eastern restaurant near my house has been selling baby meat I regret ordering the 'pita platter of tiny feet'
Great Selling Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about selling you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean auction jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make selling pranks.
Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
An order of monks are selling flowers...
...illegally on the lawn of the p**... Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Hugh Hefner
Today, famous p**... Hugh Hefner successfully managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the p**... Mansion, where they had been selling flowers.
Said one friar, "Well if it was anyone else we could've gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
What do you call a teacher that doesn't f**... in public?
A private tutor (tooter)
Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.
So the church is losing money...
...and the friars decide that they need a new income source. To do this, they set up a flower stand, and do a pretty good business selling flowers in the small village. Unfortunately, there is another floral store that is losing business because of the friars. So, they go talk to the friars, telling them to stop selling flowers, because they are losing money. The friars say "no way man, free country, free enterprise."
The owners of the other floral shop decide to get real about these religious flower sellers, so they hire a hitman to go take them out. The hitman, named Hugh, shows up to the friars' store. Hugh, now, he's about 7'1', and 240 pounds of pure muscle. "Hey," he says, "you guys ought to stop sellin flowers." The petrified friars agree that maybe the floral business isn't such a good idea after all, and promptly shut it down.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A Painter and a Gallery Owner
Painter: How are my paintings selling?
Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.
Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?
Gallery Owner: He was your doctor
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
I inherited some land recently and managed to buy 100 donkeys for £100...
...I planned on selling them one by one for a profit, but overnight some sick guy broke into my farm and cut all the donkeys tails off! Now I'm left with 100 donkeys with no tails, so I'm going to have to wholesale them!
(ask me why I have to wholesale them...)
Well I can't retail them can I?!
A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster
He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"
"Oh, no problem there, he s**... every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"
"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"
"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."
The blinds store
So there's this store down the street called "Bailey's Blinds", and I can't help but wonder that it must be a front for some sort of i**... activity. Money laundering, perhaps? Or maybe it's an incognito hub for illicit products of some nature. I mean, how can a business possibly function for over 15 years while consistently profitable, by selling nothing but blinds? ...It's a shady business if you ask me.
Corniest joke I know.
Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners p**... mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the p**... mansion seeing two friars outside.
Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.
The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Badum psh
This is a very old joke that I'm sure most people have heard.
One day George W. Bush was walking through Washington when he spotted a boy selling week old "Republican Puppies", delighted he resolved to come back with reporters in a few weeks for his campaign. When he came back the boy was now selling "Democratic Puppies". Disgruntled he asked why and the boy said,
"They used to be Republican Puppies, but now they've opened their eyes."
A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan.
He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.
An old man found a box in his attic.
Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."
I'm selling a WWII relic....
A beautiful French rifle. It's never been fired and only dropped once.
A kid was selling newspapers...
A kid was selling newspapers. He was yelling, "Boy cheats 100 fools!" to catch people's attention. A man walking by was interested and bought a newspaper. As he walked away with the newspaper, he heard the boy start yelling, "Boy cheats 101 fools!"
A black Jewish guy
A black Jew runs up to his father and asks his father if he is more Jewish or more black. The father asks his son why he just asked this odd question, the son says "there is a boy at school selling his old bike for $50 and I am wondering if I should haggle it down to $40 or just steal it."
There were once some monks who decided to raise money by opening a flower shop
There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.
Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Selling a french WW2 rifle
Never fired, only dropped once.
I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Guy selling apple seeds at street...
Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!
Sry for bad english
"Get in," I said to the p**....
"Hey," she smiled.
I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."
"Selling my body for money?" she asked.
I said, "No, sitting in a car with a m**...."
I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale
I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes
Did you see that Sargento is going to stop selling shredded cheese?
They're trying to make America grate again
A man has started a business in Afghanistan. He's selling landmines that look like prayer mats...
Prophets are going through the roof.
Eternal life
Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946.
The little black jewish boy...
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.
I never knew he was a barber.
I heard the new iPhone is selling well.
In fact, it's a real 6s.
What was the problem with the midget p**...?
She was always selling herself short.
Selling Condoms
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
A man was selling his TV
A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'
What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist?
By selling your guitar.
After years of reflection
I've decided to stop selling mirrors
I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...
This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.
Yesterday a barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years
And I didn't even know he was a barber.
I'm not panicking yet about ISPs selling my browser history to advertising companies...
On the other hand, when they offer to sell my browsing history to my wife, that would be the appropriate time to panic!
Our neighbourhood barber got arrested for selling drugs after we had been his customer for 5 years.
We had no idea he was a barber
Did ya'll ever hear about that lady who was selling s**... favors for spaghetti?
She was a pastatute
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...
It wrote thousands of other words!
In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
Boy selling newspapers
A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-d**... boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off.
Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get the sh-s**... k-kicked out of me?"
Some guys tried selling me a f**... plot.
I told him that would be the last thing I'd ever spend my money on.
Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out
What's the net worth?
A r**... is selling sausages.
A r**... is selling sausages. A woman walks up to him and places an order.
The woman asks, "Can I have one hot dog please?"
"How would you like your *meat*?"
The r**... gives the woman a wink
The woman replies, "In bread."
She shoots a wink back at him
A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.
The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.
I started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats
Prophets are going through the roof.
(Yes it's old, but I still love it)
A local barber was just arrested for selling drugs. As a long time customer, I was very surprised
I had no idea he was a barber
I have a friend who's selling a velcro wig for $100
It's a rip off if you ask me.
A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left
A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!
A guy goes into a parachute store.....
and sees a row of parachutes selling for $200 and another row of parachutes selling for $6,000. Confused, he asks a salesman what the $200 rigs were for. The salesman says they were for parachuting. More confused, he asked the salesman what the $6,000 rigs were for. The salesman said they were for parachuting twice.
When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.
I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
One for $1, three for $4
A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new special where you can buy three cups for $4.
I'd like a cup of coffee, said the man, handing in a dollar bill.
He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffee, and saving a dollar. I'd like two more cups, please, he said, handing in another $2.
Afterward, he asks the guy in the stand, Why are you selling three cups of coffee for $4 when you could buy three separate cups for $3?
To which the stand dude replied, you could've just bought one cup like you do every day.
Mom#1- That's it. I'm done. I'm selling the kid on eBay
Mom#2- Don't be crazy. You made him. That does on Etsy
Happy Mother's Day everyone!
My local barber got arrested for selling c**.... This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...
...that he was a barber.
I'm selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50
Issue: the owner is calling
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute !!"
I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east
He told me prophets were going through the roof
Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.
News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.
A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$
Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a 1$, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar but not buying any apples well-" The woman cuts him off: "No I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost 2$ instead of one".
My friend decided to start an industry selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets have been going through the roof.
After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.
\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?
\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?
\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.
"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
It's not easy being a dyslexic devil worshiper
If you're not careful, you could end up selling your soul to Santa
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.
Why was the T-Rex selling handguns?
He was a small arms dealer.
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
I started a company..
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof!
A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV
Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"
C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"
S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"
C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?
S: "Yep"
C: "Wow. Can't turn that down"
Police are looking for a man selling m**... to birds.
Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.
