Selling A Car Jokes

Following is our collection of interstate humor and dealership one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Selling A Car puns for adults, dirty buy jokes or clean lexus gags for kids.

There is an abundance of bentley jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 40 funniest jokes on selling a car. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sale witze you can hear about selling a car.

The Best jokes about Selling A Car

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.

"Get in," I said to the prostitute.

"Hey," she smiled.

I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."

"Selling my body for money?" she asked.

I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."

The Doctor made me walk again...

Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well

Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!


A co-worker is selling her car...

She tells me, "The problem is my car has over 150,000 miles so no one will give me more than $6,000 for it, and I need at least $10,000 to get a new car."

I fill her in: "I have a friend who is a car mechanic. He can 'fix' your mileage issue. You'll have a new car in no time."

So I get her car on a Friday to give it to my buddy for the weekend. I get it back to her with only 75,000 miles on the odometer.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaimed.

"It was easy! So, how much are you going to sell it for?" I ask.

"Why would I sell it now? It only has 75,000 miles on it."

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife! , she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".

A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and drags his son to the car in a fit.

As they both get in, the father looks angrily to his son and says "I TOLD YOU 20 DOLLARS YOU IDIOT!!!!"

*Principal

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife! , she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".

She actually said that?

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.' "

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'

A man goes to a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie doll for her birthday.

The salesman says, "We have Barbie Goes To the Dance for $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99, and Divorced Barbie at $499.99."

The father asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $499.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well, sir," says the salesman, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's money, Ken's furniture ..."


A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.

"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want for it?"

"That's right, $50 and it's yours!"

"Excuse me for being nosy, ma'am, but why are you selling it so cheap? Is it stolen or something?"

"No, it's my husbands car. He ran off with his young secretary last month, and two days ago I got a telegram from him saying to sell the Corvette and send him the money!"

A religious blonde is going bankrupt...

She prays to God to win the lottery, so she wouldn't have to sell her car to make it through the week, but alas she doesn't. Next week she prays again to win the lottery, so she doesn't have to sell her house but again she doesn't win the lottery. Having nothing left she prays to win the lottery the third week and again doesn't win. So she starts asking God why he doesn't help her, why he left her to sell her car, her house. Just as she's about to lose her faith God appears and says "My dear child, I truly want to help you through these difficult times. But, to win the lottery you have to play"

I bumped into an old school friend the other day.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years...

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you? " Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust. "
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible. " Ed said. "What business were you in? "
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted."

I had an interview for a position as a car salesman.

The interviewer handed me his laptop and said, Here, sell this to me.
I took the laptop and stuck it in my bag and left. Three hours later he called and asked for his laptop back. I said, You want to buy it back?

'When one door closes another one opens,' he said.

'That is great,' I replied, 'nevertheless I want you to repair the car before you sell it to me.'

A blonde tried to sell her old car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one customer. The director was disappointed with the boy and said he already had sellers today who had done much better than him. The manager asked the boy how much the sale was worth, and the boy answered "$93,100.25". The manager was very confused and asked the boy what he had sold.

The boy: "I started off with a $0.25 fish hook which got him looking at the fishing poles. I set him up with the $100 bait master and asked him where he was gonna fish, I told him about that great lake down south but told him he'd need a car with all wheel drive to make it up the rough terrain so we got him into the $33,000 SUV we had on the lot, when he asked about boat rentals I thought I had lost him, but I ended up selling him the $60,000 riverking pro to top it off."

The manager steps back in disbelief and says "Wow, you sold that all to a guy who came in for a fish hook?

"No" the boy said "The customer came in and told he had to buy tampons for his wife. I simply told him the weekend was already wrecked so he might as well go on a fishing trip"


A boy was walking down the street when he saw a man further down slumped over his car...

As the boy came closer he realised the man wasn't slumped over the car, he was hugging and kissing it, all while bawling tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked the boy, "Is your wife making you sell the car?"

"No," answers the man. "She just got her license."

A man answers a Craigslist ad for a Porsche for sale.

He goes to check it out, it's a nice late model sport coupe being sold by a middle-aged lady. The engine purrs, the car is clean as a whistle, and drives like a dream. But when he asks the price, the lady tells him $100. This sets off his BS meter, so he starts trying to figure out what's wrong. Is it salvage title? No. She does realize it's a much more valuable car? Yes. Is... is it stolen? No.
So why $100?
The lady explains "Last week my husband goes on a business trip. He then emails me and tells me he is staying in Atlanta, wants to shack up with his secretary, and instructed me to sell the Porsche and send him the proceeds."

The genie and the Aboriginal

An Aboriginal was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. He thought that he might be able to sell it and make some money so he started cleaning it up, rubbing it with his sleeve.

All of a sudden a genie popped out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, but wish carefully."

So the Aboriginal says, "I would love to be white!"

POOF!! He becomes white!

"For my second wish, I would love to be rich."

POOF!! He becomes rich, and is dressed in designer clothes and has a nice car.

"Okay" says the genie, "what is your third wish?"

"Hmm" says the Aboriginal, "this is something I have always wanted. I never want to have to work again!"

"Okay." says the genie.

POOF!! He is turned into an Aboriginal!

I just starred in a movie about a guy who sells car parts

Don't worry, I won't give away any spoilers

I decided to watch some YouTube videos today

Should I sell my car or house first

Why are sheep biased when it comes to car sales?

They only buy and sell Ram

So a blonde was trying to sell her car..

Unfortunately, her car had over 200,000 miles on it and she wasn't able to get very good deals for it. After mentioning her issue to one of her co-workers, he says that he can reset the mileage so she can get a really good deal for selling it. She agrees to and he does his business, gives it back to her, and they go back to their daily lives.

After a month or so, the co-worker sees the blonde still riding in the same car and asks her, "what happened? Were you not able to sell the car?" And the blonde replied

"Why would I want to sell this car? It has no mileage on it!"

Why did the bean sell his car?

The back seat didn't have enough legume.

Topical Jokes for 1/31

The CEO of McDonald's has announced he'll be resigning later this year. It's the first time in history that a McDonald's employee has quit and given more than five seconds notice.

The New Hampshire lottery is selling scratch 'n sniff tickets that smell like bacon. The aroma is there to remind people that if they didn't waste their money on lottery tickets, they could afford to eat bacon.

In Alabama, a truck driver caused a mile-long traffic jam when he swerved off the road while trying to pull out a loose tooth. Drivers slowed down to look, because people in Alabama had never seen someone who has a tooth.

Suge Knight is suspected of running a man over with his car after an argument. The argument was about whether or not there's a pumpkin-flavored Jelly Belly.

...running over someone with your car seems crazy, but you have to keep in mind that Suge Knight's motto is Live every day like it's 'The Purge.'

Audi's are more expensive than they have to be.

The German luxury car maker could sell much cheaper cars if they stopped shipping them with all those extra accessories that the owners never use anyways, like rear view mirrors, turn signals, side-view mirrors...

I bought a new car; it was broken. So I took it to the dealer.

He said, "Look man, I just sell weed. I don't know how to fix the car."

Elephants and cars

How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen?

4 elephants, 2 in the front and 2 in the back.

How can you fit 8 elephants in a BMW?

You sell the BMW and buy 2 Volkswagen.

Yeah, I'll probably turn into a sports guy as soon as I sell my car

cause right now I see nothing but cheapskates.

An elderly lady's husband just passed away and to get things ready she went to the place that sells and engraves tombstones...

When she got there, she ordered the most expensive tombstone she could afford. They were married 65 years after all and; had 6 children, made lots of money, traveled many places, made lots of memories, and loved each other very much of course.

When paying for the tombstone, they asked what she would like engraved in the stone. To which she replied, "To my dearest husband, you were my love and my life. I cannot wait to see you again one day. Rest In Peace" as it was a common and courteous thing.

Later that day she went to find out what she would get of her husbands remaining possessions, as it turns out, he didn't leave her a thing, nothing. Not one item, not one car, not one penny.

The elderly lady was so furious. How could she not get anything after all they have been through? She knew her husband was tight with his money but this had to be a mistake. Going over the papers for a second, third, and fourth time it stayed the same. Nothing for the lady.

So the following day she goes back to the place she ordered the tombstone and said to the man running it, "I would like something added to my late husbands tombstone. You can keep everything I had on it. Especially the, 'Rest in Peace' , but I want you to add 'Until I Get There'."

Mr Andrew went to see a doctor about a pain during walking problem.

Since foot was not the doctor's specialty, the doctor recommended him to visit a podiatrist few blocks away.

At the specialist clinic, the podiatrist was optimistic. He declared confidently, "I'll have you walking in an hour!".

Later Mr Andrew return to the doctor's clinic on foot. The doctor was shocked . "How did he cure you in an hour?" the doctor asked.

"The secret lies in the consultation," said Mr Andrew.
"I had to sell my car to pay for it"

There was an ad in the newspaper Mercedes Benz for 10$.Everyone thought it was some sort of a prank so pretty much everyone ignored it

One gentleman out of curiosity went to the mentioned address.He rang the doorbell and an old looking lady came to greet him. He asked to see the car which was for sale.The lady took him to the garage and there it was a silver mercedes in the best looking condition.

The man made sure to get the papers checked and after getting the keys to the car and the papers he asked the lady I can't help myself but wonder why sell this at such ridiculously low price. The old lady smiled and said I'm just fulfilling my husband's last wish to sell the car and give the money to his second wife

The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.

"
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

If Apple ever sells their self-driving car

Microsoft will make a lot of money. All of the cars will have to use Windows.

A lot has changed after my wife told me she was pregnant.

Like my bank account, selling my car, and getting a passport.

A blonde was trying to sell her old car.


She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, β€œThere is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
β€œThat doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, β€œif I can only sell the car.”
β€œOkay,” said the brunette. β€œHere is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will β€˜fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, β€œDid you sell your car?”
β€œNo,” replied the blonde, β€œWhy should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers.


She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles."
Her friend told her that was the problem.
But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.
So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000.
Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.
The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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