Sell Jokes

Following is our collection of profit humor and bibles one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Sell puns for adults, dirty selling a car jokes or clean vend gags for kids.

There is an abundance of mileage jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes on sell. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any buy witze you can hear about sell.

The Best jokes about Sell

Vegans think butchers are gross

But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.


Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?

A satisfactory!

I am selling my username.

It's just under a buck.

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.


I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

A guy stopped me on the street today and tried to sell me a coffin...

I said "That's the last thing I need"

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore...

She was busted for conch-traband.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.


If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was your doctor."

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...

All it does is collect dust.

Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color

After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!

Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

After years of poor yields, Old McDonald will have to sell his farm...

... to cover what he e-i-e-i owes.

The American dream:

To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$

My dad told me this one

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

A man walks into a bakery...

So a man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm. When he gets in there, the baker greets him and asks him how he could help the man.

"Do you sell fish cakes?", the man asks the baker.

"No, of course we don't!" the baker replies.

"But it's his birthday!"

The Doctor made me walk again...

Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill

A guy goes in for a job interview...

A guy goes in for a job interview.

The manager hands the guy his laptop and says, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So the guy puts it under his arm, walks out of the building, and goes home.

Eventually, the manager calls the guy and says, "Bring it back here right now!"

The guy says, "$200 and it's yours."

An old woman walks into a sex shop

An old woman walks into a sex shop, shaking. "Sir", she asks in a shaky voice,"do you sell vibrators?" "Yes,ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes,ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes,ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"

Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?

Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?

Selling a french WW2 rifle

Never fired, only dropped once.

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

I've decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

A vegan said to me : people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied with : people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer

A Russian family moves to America...

...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, "You must go out and sell your body." The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, "How much did you make?" The wife replies, "50 dollars and 10 cents." The husband asks out of curiosity, "Who gave you the ten cents?" The wife says, "They ALL did."

Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?

Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area

I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

Did you hear about the Jewish pedophile?

He said "Hey, kid. Can I sell ya some candy?"

I'm selling some jokes about chimneys.

I have a stack of them, the first one's on the house.

My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

Which part of America can't sell full-sized soft drinks?

Minne-soda.

Dictinry for sell.

Never use.

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, but do you thell baby bunnieth?".

The pet store owner smiles and says, "Why, yes, sweetheart! We sell all kinds of baby bunnies. Now... what kind of baby bunny would you like? Would you like a baby grey bunny? Or a baby white bunny? Or would you prefer a pretty brown bunny?"

The little girl replies, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

I'm not panicking yet about ISPs selling my browser history to advertising companies...

On the other hand, when they offer to sell my browsing history to my wife, that would be the appropriate time to panic!

A vegan once said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

So I replied: the people who sell vegetables are grocer

Age old debate.

People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....






To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!

How was your job interview yesterday?

Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....

He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...

He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...

So I took the laptop and left...

Left... ?? Then what ??

Nothing...

30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....

So I asked him:

Will you buy it ??

A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...

and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.

'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.

'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer.

'10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer'

'I'm truly sorry. I can't.'

The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?'

The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'

Why do they sell shoes in pairs?

Because they're sole-mates.
(I made this joke up about a week ago and figured I'd tell it on non-peak hours so I don't get upvoted enough to quit my day job)...

So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese

One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:

-I want buy dog food.

-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.

-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.

Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.

The next day he came again and said:

-I want buy cat food.

-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.

-But I not want to come to shop with cat.

Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.

The next day he came with a paper bag:

-Put hand inside.

-Why?

-Just put hand inside.

-OK.

-Warm?

-Yes.

-Soft?

-Yes.

-I want buy toilet paper.

Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the condom display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.

The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"

The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave."

Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out

What's the net worth?

So a man walks into a donut shop on Dagobah...

And he sees a little green alien behind the counter. He asks for a hot donut.

The alien says, "Broken, our fryer is. Yesterday's donuts, I can sell you. Also, donut ingredients, we still have."

But the man is really craving a warm donut, so he asks, "Are you absolutely sure I can't get a freshly-made donut?"

"Only two options have you!" says the alien. "Dough or donut - there is no fry."

Why did the duck need to sell himself?

He got hooked on the quack.

How many Apples does it take to change a light bulb?

Two

One to change the bulb

The other to sell the iBulb for $600 and claim it's "revolutionary"

The best thing about time machines ...

... is that you can buy it used and sell it new.

A Fishing Tale


On the shore of the Indian Ocean a raggedy Indian fisherman lay dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him two fishing lines were stuck into the sand.

Up comes an American.

'What are you sleeping for?' says the American. 'You'd be better off catching fish.'

'What for?' asks the fisherman.

'What do you mean, what for? You'd catch some fish, you'd sell them and with the money you'd buy yourself a trawler.

The trawler would catch even more fish. You'd sell it and buy yourself an even bigger boat. You'd catch still more fish. You'd sell it.

Then you'd build yourself a fish processing factory . . . and get rich.

And then you could lie on the beach and sleep.'

The fisherman pulled his hat even further down over his face.

'But that's what I'm doing now.'

Two men were lost in a desert...

Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.

The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.

Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.

As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.

The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.

The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"

The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."

What does the man with two left feet ask the shoe salesman?

"Do you sell flip-flips?"

A blonde goes to buy a TV.

A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: I'm sorry but we don't sell to blondes.

Amazed she goes out and dyes her hair ginger. She later returns to the store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

Blonde: How did you know I'm blonde?

Clerk: Because that's a Microwave.

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told them its the last thing I need.

I'm selling a WWII relic....

A beautiful French rifle. It's never been fired and only dropped once.

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

There once was a humble florist living in a small town...

He would sell his beautiful flowers to the townspeople every day. One day, some friars moved into the nearby, previously empty abbey. These friars, however, grew their own beautiful flowers to sell to pay for their expenses, and these flowers were grown in such abundance and sold so much that the florist was rapidly losing money.


A man in town noticed the poor florist's distress and offered him some help. "Hey, I know a guy named Hugh that can help you out here. See that big guy over there? That's him. By tomorrow he'll have dealt with these friars' intrusive business practices."


"Alright" said the florist, "I can't thank you enough." Though he had his doubts, he tried to trust the man.


The next morning as he went to his shop he noticed the friars had already packed up their things and were long gone. He found that man and asked, "How? How did you do it??"

"Simple" he stated, "Hugh, and *only* Hugh can prevent florist friars."

A co-worker is selling her car...

She tells me, "The problem is my car has over 150,000 miles so no one will give me more than $6,000 for it, and I need at least $10,000 to get a new car."

I fill her in: "I have a friend who is a car mechanic. He can 'fix' your mileage issue. You'll have a new car in no time."

So I get her car on a Friday to give it to my buddy for the weekend. I get it back to her with only 75,000 miles on the odometer.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaimed.

"It was easy! So, how much are you going to sell it for?" I ask.

"Why would I sell it now? It only has 75,000 miles on it."

Fish Cakes

A guy walks into a bar with a Salmon under his arm and says, "Do you sell fish cakes here?"

Bartender: No we don't.

Guy: That's a shame... it's his birthday.

A man walks into a store

"I'd like to buy an owl."

"We don't sell owls here."

"Someone told me you did."

"Who?"





"I just heard one."

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Too. Want to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes

Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Fuck!''

The Government

Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.


The Government Hates Competition

A blonde went to the electronic store and she asked..

A blonde went to the electronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette.
She asked the salesman how much the TV was.
He said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was.
He said, "Sorry we don"t sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."

The one to your dumb friend...

A guy sees an ad on the window of a store with the words "Selling brains". Curious, he walks in and asks the shopkeeper what kind of brains he's selling.

Shopkeeper: "I've got Einstein's brain who won a Nobel Prize and discovered the Universe's secret equation. He was the world most brilhant physicist. I can sell it for 3k."

Guy: "What about that one?"

SK: " That's the brain of Galileu Galilei. He was the great astronomer who supported that the Earth revolves around the Sun. He was the father of modern science. It's worth 2k."

Guy: "And what about that one?"

SK: "That's the brain of [*random friend*] . It costs 20k."

Guy: "20k?!? That's a lot! Why is it worth that much?"

SK: "Well, it has never been used."

I'm selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

A little joke my 9 year old brother told me

Timmy(brother): Hey Shane, how do you sell a chicken to a deaf person?
Me(Shane): How timmy?
He then proceeds to shout in my face, taking me off-guard
Timmy: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.

The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:

-- Rabbi, what can be done?!

-- Do you still have the internet connection?

-- Yes!

-- Sell the ship!

There is a spice shortage...

There is a shortage of spices all around the world. One entrepreneur saw the shortage coming and stocked up. His advisor was pushing to sell it soon so that people could have all of their favorite dishes. The entrepreneur looked at his advisor and said "what's the rush? We've got all the thyme in the world."

Donald Trump is such a good salesman he could sell ice to the Eskimos.

Which will come in handy considering his policies on global warming.

Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "


"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A man walks into a bar after a long day in the mines

He asks the bartender for some whiskey, but the bartender replies; "Sorry, we can't sell alcohol to miners."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes