Sell Jokes
145 sell jokes and hilarious sell puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sell that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of the same old 9-5? Have a knack for telling jokes? Learn how to turn your sense of humor into a profitable business! Find out how to become a jokester-salesperson and make money by selling your jokes - with tips for balancing your comedy and sales skills.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Sell Short Jokes
Short sell jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sell humour may include short deal jokes also.
- I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
- A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting. I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
- This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
- Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
- I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living. He can't take it, but he can dish it out.
- I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25 Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
- I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only driven from time to time.
- If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15. Did you make a prophet?
- sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore... She was busted for conch-traband.
Share These Sell Jokes With Friends
Sell One Liners
Which sell one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sell? I can suggest the ones about trade and purchase.
- I am selling my username. It's just under a buck.
- How to become a millionaire: Step One: Be a billionaire
Step Two: Short sell $GME - A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him, that's the last thing I need.
- What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera.
- What's baked every day and sells itself? My sister.
- If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells banana, what does farmer C sell? Medicine
- What do you call someone who buys and sells shrimps? A prawn broker
- It's difficult to say what my wife does. She sells seashells on the seashore
- Selling a french ww2 rifle Never fired, only dropped once.
- Why did the tractor sell medicines? Because it was a farm assist!
... I'm sorry... - What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist? By selling your guitar.
- I've decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay Imagine all the PayPal!
- I went to a store that sells door locks for little people. Low key, it was pretty nice.
- What does a person who only thinks about themselves do for a living? Sell fish
- Selling coffins must be a hard job. It's the last thing any of us need.
I Could Sell Jokes
Here is a list of funny i could sell jokes and even better i could sell puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Donald Trump is such a good salesman he could sell ice to the Eskimos. Which will come in handy considering his policies on global warming.
- I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off. Remains to be seen.
- I tried to sell my chickens, ut was insulted by all the low offers. All I could get was a poultry amount of money.
- Once there was a man who followed the Mongol hordes so that he could catch and sell the injured after battles. He was a mangled Mongle monger
- At the Hallmark store "Do you sell sympathy cards?" I asked at the Hallmark store.
"Yes we do." replied the clerk.
"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?" - If you think a healthy relationship could ever arise out of an arranged wedding... ... then I have a Bridget to sell you.
- Dunkin Donuts should start selling treadmills Then, America could really run on Dunkin.
- I bought a Monster energy drink for my wheelchair-ridden co-worker. It's a shame we don't sell Red Bull, because who needs legs when you could have wings?
- A crime boss works part time selling grass to people in his home city... I went over to his shop and asked if I could help him with his sales. He told me to stay off his turf.
- Why should you never buy Mongolian paintings? Whoever sells them could be a Khan-artist.
Comical & Quirky Sell Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about sell you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean swap jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sell pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell c**....
I would not have to sell c**... anymore.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
The best thing about time machines ...
... is that you can buy it used and sell it new.
Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to LeBron James for $1......
...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters.
Read online on a comment. LOL
A Fishing Tale
On the shore of the Indian Ocean a raggedy Indian fisherman lay dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him two fishing lines were stuck into the sand.
Up comes an American.
'What are you sleeping for?' says the American. 'You'd be better off catching fish.'
'What for?' asks the fisherman.
'What do you mean, what for? You'd catch some fish, you'd sell them and with the money you'd buy yourself a trawler.
The trawler would catch even more fish. You'd sell it and buy yourself an even bigger boat. You'd catch still more fish. You'd sell it.
Then you'd build yourself a fish processing factory . . . and get rich.
And then you could lie on the beach and sleep.'
The fisherman pulled his hat even further down over his face.
'But that's what I'm doing now.'
So a man walks into a donut shop on Dagobah...
And he sees a little green alien behind the counter. He asks for a hot donut.
The alien says, "Broken, our fryer is. Yesterday's donuts, I can sell you. Also, donut ingredients, we still have."
But the man is really craving a warm donut, so he asks, "Are you absolutely sure I can't get a freshly-made donut?"
"Only two options have you!" says the alien. "Dough or donut - there is no fry."
A little joke my 9 year old brother told me
Timmy(brother): Hey Shane, how do you sell a chicken to a deaf person?
Me(Shane): How timmy?
He then proceeds to shout in my face, taking me off-guard
Timmy: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My uncle has a factory that make "For Sale" signs.
I asked him how companies like that advertise because I've never seen ads any for that sort of business and he replied:
"They essentially sell themselves."
A Russian family moves to America...
...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, "You must go out and sell your body." The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, "How much did you make?" The wife replies, "50 dollars and 10 cents." The husband asks out of curiosity, "Who gave you the ten cents?" The wife says, "They ALL did."
Methylated Spirit
A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.
"Bottle of methylated spirit please."
"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."
"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"
"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.
"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"
Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color
After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!
A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...
A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.
The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:
-- Rabbi, what can be done?!
-- Do you still have the internet connection?
-- Yes!
-- Sell the ship!
Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?
He was baroque.
The Government
Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
A man goes into a bar where, instead of drinks, they sell words and phrases...
he asks the barman if they sell entendres. The barman says "yes" so the man says "ok, I'll have a double" and the barman says "oh, you mean a large one".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes to buy a TV.
A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry but we don't sell to blondes.
Amazed she goes out and dyes her hair ginger. She later returns to the store.
Blonde: I'd like that TV please.
Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
Blonde: How did you know I'm blonde?
Clerk: Because that's a Microwave.
I'm selling some jokes about chimneys.
I have a stack of them, the first one's on the house.
Cyanide?
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says "Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a p**...?
A p**... can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a bar
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some grapes. The bartender says, "no this is a bar. We do not sell grapes."
So the next day the duck walks into the bar and asks for some grapes. By this time the bartender gets very mad and says, "if you ask me for grapes again. I'll nail you to the bench."
The following day the duck walks in and asks for some nails and the bartender says "no."
So the duck was like oh sweet.. Got any grapes?
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
Why do they sell shoes in pairs?
Because they're sole-mates.
(I made this joke up about a week ago and figured I'd tell it on non-peak hours so I don't get upvoted enough to quit my day job)...
A man walks into a bar after a long day in the mines
He asks the bartender for some whiskey, but the bartender replies; "Sorry, we can't sell alcohol to miners."
Two men were lost in a desert...
Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."
Managed to sell a toaster with Norton Antivirus today
Told the customer it would guard against popups
My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.
There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
I work in retail, a married man made me laugh
Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!
There is a spice shortage...
There is a shortage of spices all around the world. One entrepreneur saw the shortage coming and stocked up. His advisor was pushing to sell it soon so that people could have all of their favorite dishes. The entrepreneur looked at his advisor and said "what's the rush? We've got all the thyme in the world."
Dictinry for sell.
Never use.
After years of poor yields, Old McDonald will have to sell his farm...
... to cover what he e-i-e-i owes.
The Doctor made me walk again...
Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Selling Condoms
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...
and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.
'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.
'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer.
'10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer'
'I'm truly sorry. I can't.'
The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?'
The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my friend about the Muslim s**... trade the other day...
"Dubai?" He asked
"Yes, and sell" I replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I sell prosthetics to midgets who are amputees...
I'm a small arms dealer.
I'm not panicking yet about ISPs selling my browser history to advertising companies...
On the other hand, when they offer to sell my browsing history to my wife, that would be the appropriate time to panic!
Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?
Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area
How many Apples does it take to change a light bulb?
Two
One to change the bulb
The other to sell the iBulb for $600 and claim it's "revolutionary"
Why is Chick-fil-a so successful?
They figured out how to sell fried chicken to white people.
Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out
What's the net worth?
Which part of America can't sell full-sized soft drinks?
Minne-soda.
A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.
She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"
A psycopath goes into a store
He approaches the person at the counter and asks:
-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?
-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.
Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?
Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?
Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?
Because they can wash their crack and sell it again
So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese
One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:
-I want buy dog food.
-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.
-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.
Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.
The next day he came again and said:
-I want buy cat food.
-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.
-But I not want to come to shop with cat.
Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.
The next day he came with a paper bag:
-Put hand inside.
-Why?
-Just put hand inside.
-OK.
-Warm?
-Yes.
-Soft?
-Yes.
-I want buy toilet paper.
Age old debate.
People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
The American dream:
To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$
My dad told me this one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...
Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the v**... megastore, what a disappointment.
I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm
It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
I'm selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50
Issue: the owner is calling
I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property.
Sounded like a pyramid scheme.
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too. Want to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes
How was your job interview yesterday?
Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...
He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...
So I took the laptop and left...
Left... ?? Then what ??
Nothing...
30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....
So I asked him:
Will you buy it ??
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave."
Why did the duck need to sell himself?
He got hooked on the quack.
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.
The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property...
... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.
Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.
From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.
From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes bang bang
This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.
A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?
Yeah!
Well come on over, i'll sell you some!
A man walks into a store
"I'd like to buy an owl."
"We don't sell owls here."
"Someone told me you did."
"Who?"
"I just heard one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know why they call it 'Kpop'?
Because k**...' didn't sell as well.
An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales
Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"
Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.
Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"
Curator: "It was your doctor."
A vegan said to me : people who sell meat are disgusting
I replied with : people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer
A mom tells her son to buy some vegetables
She says to bargain, and try offer the seller half the price
Son: Sir, how much does a bag of vegetable cost?
Seller: 8
Son: I will offer you 4
Seller: What about 6
Son: 3
Seller: Alright, I will sell it for 4
Son: 2
Seller: 3
Son: 1.50
Seller: Kid, you are bargaining too much, I might as well give you a bag for free.
Son: Give me 2 bags
I learned a lot from my divorce.
Do you know they won't sell you a gun if you're crying?
