Selfish Jokes

63 selfish jokes and hilarious selfish puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about selfish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Selfish Short Jokes

Short selfish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The selfish humour may include short self centered jokes also.

  1. Hey girl, are you the Bible? 'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.
  2. I'm really worried about my Parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
    My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
  3. Long John Silver's is the perfect representation of corporate greed. Nearly everything that company does is selfish.
  4. I still remember my fathers last words...."you selfish boy" So i became a fishmonger, to follow his dying wish.
  5. I bought my cat a box of wine... The selfish rascal only wanted to play with the box! Also, it turns out I have a serious drinking problem and no cat.
  6. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, it was the selfish Rooster that came first and the Hen never even finished.
  7. I heard Mr. Krabbs is teaching a course on therapeutic carpentry projects. It's a selfish shellfish's shelf help self-help.
  8. Singers can be selfish arseholes, especially when warming up... It's all me me me me me me me
  9. My son is so ungrateful I bought him a peanut butter chocolate chip cake for his birthday. He just grabbed his EpiPen and complained to me about it; selfish brat!
  10. The French may be selfish, ungrateful Anglophobes, but you gotta give 'em credit. They are always there when they need us.

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Selfish One Liners

Which selfish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with selfish? I can suggest the ones about self absorbed and narcissistic.

  1. What do you call a selfish bomb? Mine
  2. Heard about the man that refuse to let other use his sauna? He has selfish steam issues
  3. what does a selfish cow say? meeeeeeeeee
  4. Internet humor is so selfish It's all about meme meme meme
  5. What do you call a selfish sponge? Self absorbed
  6. People say I'm selfish It's an opinion I don't share.
  7. What's the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman? Selfish.
  8. I'm so selfish.... I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
  9. Why are fishmongers the worst friends? They selfish
  10. Why are mushroom hunters so selfish? Because it's mycology, not yourcology!
  11. Why are urologists selfish? Because they're all about number one
  12. What do you call a selfish female sibling? A narcissister
  13. What do selfish people call Thanksgiving? Thankstaking.
  14. My wife thinks I'm "selfish in the bedroom". She's the one that won't let me sleep.
  15. What do you call a selfish elf? Myself

Selfish joke, What do you call a selfish elf?

Humorous Selfish Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life

What funny jokes about selfish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean greedy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make selfish pranks.

What do you call a small hairy man of folk legend who's selfish during an o**...?

A k**...-hoggin' hobgoblin!

My girlfriend thinks I'm selfish and accused me of being an only child...

I corrected her, naturally. I'm the only *important* child.

How do you know Bono is selfish?

He does a lot of Pro-Bono work.

What's the difference between a selfish gay lover and Ebola?

They both make you bleed out of the hole, but at least Ebola will finish you off.

A husband and wife are eating dinner.

-Look at how selfish you are. You took the biggest piece.
-Well, what would you have done?
-I would have taken the small one and left you the big one.
-Why are you mad? I gave you the one you wanted.

I heard paralympic basketball players are very selfish, they never pass

All they do is dribble.

I made my girlfriend dinner to cheer her up after her abortion

The selfish cow didn't even touch her king prawn in red wine sauce

I work at an aquatic pet store.

I just do my job, but people keep calling me selfish.

What did the selfish b**... say to the deer that asked it to help stop the flooding affecting its grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

Hey girl, are you a bible?

'Cuz you look like countless generations of men have abused you for their own selfish agendas.

Bob the cactus is talking to his wife, Mandy.

Mandy says: "You're so selfish. You have to remember that it's cact-US."
Bob responds: "Actually, the plural of cactus is catc-I."

What was Jesus's selfish younger brother named?


Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, p**...! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.
The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, p**...! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.
The third man sees this and figures out that the other men were selfish and that's what got them killed so he wishes for world peace, p**...! and 7.3 billion people drop down dead.

Mothers are Selfish

I told my mom Happy Mother's Day, but she never responded with Happy Sunday.

I had a birthday cake and decided to share it with my friend.

I decided to cut one quarter of the cake and gave it to him and I kept the rest for myself.
He started crying and whining about how selfish I was.
Me: Alright, so if you were in my position what would you do?
Friend: If it was my birthday cake, I would give you the bigger piece and keep the smaller piece for myself because I'm not selfish.
Me: But that's exactly what I just did so what are you complaining about?

What did the selfish b**... say?

I don't give a dam.

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

Most people would think "n**..." is a racist term, but it actually isnt racist at all. It just means selfish or greedy.

For example: all Jews are n**....

The neighbors were greedy, selfish, rude, and had come into money from their family's milk farm.

They were dairy heirs.

So I met a girl at the bar

Nothing really interesting about her. Her hair was on fire, yeah.
In my opinion she was really selfish. It was all about *her.*

"Help *me"*
"Put *me* out."
"*I'm* not joking *I'm* on fire."
"*I'm* dying."

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.
Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?
Wife: I will always love you, my darling.
Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?
Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.
Husband: what if i cheated on you, would you still love me?
Wife: of course. I will always love you, apple of my eye.
Husband: Ok. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!
...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.
I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a laugh out of me!

Me (to my wife): I don't want to be selfish.

Wife: Well, you are pretty crabby.
Groans were had. We don't even have kids, no idea where she gets it.

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."
Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."
Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

Selfish joke, Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

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