Self Help Jokes

49 self help jokes and hilarious self help puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about self help that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Self Help Short Jokes

Short self help jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The self help humour may include short self hate jokes also.

  1. I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line... Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
    They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
  2. I went to a large bookstore ... ... and asked the lady at the counter, where the self-help section was. She said if she would tell me, it would defeat the very purpose of it.
  3. My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem. *Dear Diary,*
    S*orry to bother you again.*
  4. My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem... They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!
  5. A guy goes into a library abd asks the person at the desk, "can you show me where the self-help books are?" The librarian says, "no."
  6. I went into a book shop once. And I asked the salesman:,,Hey where's the self-help section?"
    He said if he were to tell me that, it would defeat the purpose.
  7. A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service. I walked in and hired myself.
  8. I heard Mr. Krabbs is teaching a course on therapeutic carpentry projects. It's a selfish shellfish's shelf help self-help.
  9. I asked the librarian where the self help section was. She wouldn't tell me because she said that would defeat the purpose.
  10. A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release. A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release because of a typo error.
    The title read 'How to change your wife'.

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Self Help One Liners

Which self help one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with self help? I can suggest the ones about self made and self reflection.

  1. I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me You're the bomb.
  2. I bought 37 self-help books today... I just couldn't help myself.
  3. There's a new self-help group for people that talk too much It's called on and on anon
  4. Hey man, why do you have all these self help books on your floor? I hate my shelf.
  5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was.
  6. This is a self-help hospital. You diagnose and treat yourself. We offer high speed WiFi.
  7. I have a problem with self-help books, I just can't help myself.
  8. I kind of like single ply toilet paper... It helps me get in touch with my inner self.
  9. Self help books are the last thing you need When you're a reading addict.
  10. I tried to offer my friend one of my self-help books... ...He said "It's not for me"
  11. What do you call a self help book for a Country Music singer? Drink, Pray, Truck

Hilarious Fun Self Help Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about self help you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean self esteem jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make self help pranks.

"m**... can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

I got to test the new self driving prototype, the Ford Dixie

But it crashed and I can't get the police to help. They hang up every time after I tell them "My Dixie wrecked"

I can't believe I got arrested for making s**... advances towards my boss.

It probably doesn't help that I'm self-employed and my office overlooks a playground.

A man walks in to a bookstore and asks the clerk where the self-help section is.

The clerk responds: If I told you that, wouldn't it defeat the purpose?

How many self-help gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?

Before I can answer that question, I have to ask "is the lightbulb ready to change?"

Went to the library and asked where the self-help books were.

Librarian refused to tell me. She said it would be defeating the purpose.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I s**... in my gut.

My wife laughed and said, "Do you think that helps you weigh less?"
I said, "No but it does help me to see how much I weigh."

A fellow at the library asked me where the self help section is...

but I told him that would defeat the purpose.

Welcome to Self-victimization Addicts Anonymous.

I see everyone has come to seek help once again, and I must say I'm very disappointed.

A guy walks into a bookstore and says to a clerk: excuse me could you tell me how to find the self-help section?

The clerk says: well I could, but wouldn't that defeat the purpose?'

God and it's Presidents

God recently was looking for humble person, who in an unselfish way with great self-knowledge could help God on Earth make America great again.
Bush, Obama and Trump was invited and went for the job interview with God
God asks Bush: What do you believe in? Bush answers: I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation! Very well , says God. Come sit to my right.
Next, God asks Obama: What do you believe in? Obama answers: I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all. Good , says God. You shall sit to my left.
Finally, God asks Trump: What do you believe in?
Trump answers: I believe you're sitting in my chair.

My self help book told me agreeableness can bring my girlfriend closer.

But when she say's, 'I'm fat', I have to leave the room.

Just came from a bookstore where I asked the saleswoman how to find the self-help section...

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose...

A martial arts expert is arrested for m**....

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.
'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.
'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.
'No, thank you', the martial arts expert replies again, 'I can do it by myself. After all I am a self defence expert'.

A man went into a bookshop and asked 'Where's the self-help section please?

'If I told you, it would defeat the purpose' replied the shop assistant.

'Self help' and 'help yourself' surely mean the same thing right??

The security guard didn't think so and made me put the books back.

I went into the bookstore and asked the clerk, can you tell me where the self-help section is?

And she said, why don't you try to find that yourself?

A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor

"Please doc you have to help me. Everywhere I touch my self it hurts. If I touch my leg, ow that hurts, if I touch my arm, ow that hurts. If I touch my head ow that hurts.
Doctor looks him over and asks him " Sir where are you from?"
The guys says "I from Newfoundland"
The Doctor says "Son your fingers broken!"

jokes about self help