Self Defense Jokes

47 self defense jokes and hilarious self defense puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about self defense that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Self Defense Short Jokes

Short self defense jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The self defense humour may include short defense jokes also.

  1. I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life.
  2. I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense... It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!
  3. What's the difference between karate and judo?
    karate is a method of self defense and judo is what bagels are made of.
  4. What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo? One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.
  5. Self checkout. Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!
  6. For self-defense, I bring a baby along with me wherever I go. Who would attack a man who would hit them with a baby?
  7. For self-defense growing up, Eminem developed his own fighting style. It's known today as... Marshall Arts.
  8. What did the Domestic Violence Survivor say to her the new Self Defense Instructor? I've learned to roll with the punches.
  9. I cannot believe all the people being charged with s**... abusing minors. Can't the minors defend themselves? After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can't they use those in self defense?

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Self Defense One Liners

Which self defense one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with self defense? I can suggest the ones about concealed carry and self help.

  1. I did a self defense course I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion
  2. I became ill after taking self-defense classes... I think I caught Kung Flu.
  3. Author Unknown "A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense."
  4. Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
  5. What do you call a Jewish person learning self defense? Jew Jitsu
  6. What self-defense class would Jesus take? Jew-Jitsu
  7. I'm writing an English to Spanish self defense book. It's called " No means no."
  8. What do you call a lawyer with a black belt in karate? A self defense attorney!
  9. A police officer walks into a bar. He shoots it and claims self defense.
  10. Did you know words can be used for self defense? Its the art of talkwondo
  11. My synagogue has started giving self defense classes. They're teaching jew jitsu.
  12. What's a philosopher's favorite form of self defense? SoKARATEs.
  13. i shot 5 children in self defense today :/ best waterfight ever
  14. I'm taking a course in self defense. I can't afford a trial lawyer.
  15. What's a self-defense tactic used against the n**... in World War II? Jewjitsu.

Self Defense Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about self defense you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean protection jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make self defense pranks.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my t**... with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*

Mexican self defense

A Mexican passed a Japanese man and a Korean man as they were discussing their favorite type of martial arts.
Japanese man: I practice karate, the defense arts.
Korean man: I practice Taekwondo, teaches defense and attack.
At this point the men notice the Mexican and ask him what he practices
Mexican: Judono
Men: We have heard of Judo but not Judono, what is it?
Mexican: Well, judono if I got a gun, judono if I got a knife...

In Self Defense

Tenant - "I simply won't stay here any longer. Those people above me banged on the floor early this morning, slammed doors, and jumped up and down as hard as they could. I won't stand it, I tell you!"
Landlady - "They woke you up, I suppose?"
Tenant - "No, I hadn't gone to bed yet. I was practicing on my saxophone."
Source: 1933 Newspaper

A martial arts expert is arrested for m**....

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.
'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.
'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.
'No, thank you', the martial arts expert replies again, 'I can do it by myself. After all I am a self defence expert'.

The difference between Karate and Judo.

Karate is a combat and self defense technique developed in japan that requires years of intense training and dedication to master.
Judo is what they make bagels out of.

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.
He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."
The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, "Well, now that we're done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?"
"Well, your honor, it's like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane."

The policeman tells Johny at the police station following:

The thief who wanted to steal your wallet has got: a broken nose, three broken ribs, a concussion of the brain and he misses a bunch of his hair at the back of his head."Please, tell me Johny, how much money did you have in your wallet?"
Johny: "Only three euros."
The policeman: "Goodness! I suppose that if you would have ten euros in your wallet, the thief would probably not survive your self-defense-trial."