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Selecting Jokes

110 selecting jokes and hilarious selecting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about selecting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Selecting Short Jokes

Short selecting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The selecting humour may include short jokes also.

  1. We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
  2. Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this nfl draft thing.
  3. why was Cindrella not selected in any football club? Because she kept running away from the ball
  4. A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry No pun in ten did.
  5. What did the guitar at the music store say to the customer browsing through their selection of stringed instruments? "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!!!!"
  6. So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
  7. A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.
    It's because the cons outweigh the pros.
  8. What did Charles Darwin say to the animals he discovered "Naturally I've selected you all for dinner"
  9. My Car spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of people And My Korean friend screams "Hit the Blakes" & I'm like "I can't be that selective"
  10. My sister was bother my 5 year old niece while she was playing roblox on her iPod My niece got fed up and said, "You better stop or I'm gonna buy this for real!" *Selects random IAP*

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Selecting One Liners

Which selecting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with selecting? I can suggest the ones about and .

  1. The Jews may be the "Chosen People"... ... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".
  2. There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask It's called Natural Selection
  3. What do Tide Pods taste like? Natural Selection.
  4. what makes us really humans? Selecting all images with traffic lights
  5. How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Natural selection.
  6. People not wanting to wearing masks is natural. Natural selection.
  7. Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit
  8. What killed the anti vaxxer's kids? Natural Selection
  9. Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..? ... He's addicted to Boos
  10. Lazy is a very strong word! I prefer to call it Selective Participation
  11. How do bees select a new queen? By pollen.
  12. With the first pick of the 2017 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select... To pass.
  13. Derek Zoolander selects his health insurance provider Blue Cross Blue Steel
  14. Why Wasn't God in Auschwitz? He couldn't make it past the selection.
  15. Summer school shootings Are modern natural selection.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about selecting can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of selecting puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Selecting Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about selecting you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make selecting prank.

In a shop for kids. Peter selects a toy car, comes to the cash desk and gives the cashier money-cards from Monopoly game.
The cashier:
- Are you s**...? This isn't real money!
Peter:
- You're s**.... The car is not real either.

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief.
After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.

Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...

Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

I think a cool anti-hero would be Aeon Netflux

...except during fights she would stop every 2 minutes to "rebuffer", and her selection of moves would be extremely limited.

What were the favorite Linux text editors of 8 randomly selected Monty Python fans?

vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, emacs, and vim.

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.

Mr T and I were thinking about scaling a glass wall.

We were looking at the standard equipment and the fancy equipment too. I selected the most basic suction device for my ascent, and suggested Mr T do likewise.
He looked at me and said, "I ain't using no plain s**...!"

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

If college football created a bowl game called the "Hyperbole," which two teams would be selected to play in it?

The two greatest teams in the history of the known universe.

What is the difference between pick and choose?

To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.

as i get to the soda machine...

... I find a blonde already there. She puts in some change, makes a selection, and the soda pops out at the bottom of the machine. She then puts in more change, makes a selection, and again, another soda appears.
This goes on for several minutes and I finally ask if I could step in and get a soda really quickly.
The blonde looks up and glares at me. "Are you kidding? Not while I'm winning!"

Not PC anymore, but it made my grandfather laugh so I'm sharing it.

Two gay men went to a f**... director to make their final arrangements. "We want to be cremated and have our ashes mixed together." said the men.
The f**... director said "Well we have a fine selection of...umm."
"Urns?" asked the men
"No, fruit jars." said the f**... director.

New study shows some can drink bleach.

A new study shows that people who do not possess common sense instead possess the ability to drink bleach without effect. The name for this newly discovered ability is called "natural selection"

The Housewife and the Grocer 1988 (cat. no. 62)

A Housewife selected three small tomatoes and was told by the grocer they were 75 cents.
"What!" she exclaimed, "75 cents for those small tomatoes? Well, you can just take them and you know what you can do with them!?
"I can't lady," replied the unhappy grocer, "there's a 95 cent cucumber there."
- Richard Prince

There was a fire at the supermarket I work at today.

We now offer a large selection of smoked goods.

When someone tells me that they have no life I usually respond with this...

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Select Start

TIL that there is an exotic instrument only select children can master.

Apparently the Fogle Fiddle has been around since 1977, who knew?

I sent in a list of my top ten puns to the newspaper hoping at least one would be selected for the joke of the day.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

What did the creationist student say when asked why he didn't have his homework on natural selection?

My dogma ate it.

What do you call a random selection of sailors?

A s**... sample

I was debating to eat a selection of warm sandwiches outdoors with either Roger, Nick or Dave....

....I decided to pick Nick.

Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection

We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder...

A man walks into a butcher shop...

... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

I asked my Dad for help with course selection...

My last block was either Psychology or Computer Applications. So I asked, "Which do you think I should take?"
"Whichever you'll excel in, son."

How will Trump select his cabinet?

The Apprentice: the White House
Contestants will compete in a series of challenges aspiring to positions in Trump's cabinet all televised for your viewing pleasure on NBC.

My friends think my cat is loyal and selective with his affection, but the truth is

that I don't have any friends.

The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices:

You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.

I was going through my wardrobe, trying to select a suit for my grandmother's f**....

I said, "What shall I wear?"
"I don't really care," said my mum. "As long as you don't you stick out."
It's not easy being a necrophiliac.

Articles of Impeachment

The selection of clothing a cosplayer uses to dress up like Princess Peach.

When my wife and I got married,

we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have s**... with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.

Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm

The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"
The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

What's the difference between select and choose?

Select means to pick something, choose are what Puero Ricans wear on their feet.

I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart.

It's the only way I'll see my family again.

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

My local grocery store started selling unpasteurized milk...

... They're calling it the "Natural Selection" Range.

If you, like Jeff Sessions, suffer from selective amnesia...

...talk to your doctor about Kantrecol™ today.

Shopping for singles

I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*c**....''

Justin Timberlake brought s**... back...

Tide brought natural selection back.

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection

After all, no one wants a hung jury

God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

The Sun are running dream team for the World Cup

Given the news papers poor handling of hillsborough I've chosen to use the Guardians version instead
But you can only select left wingers

A man is on his way back from IKEA, his wife phones him and says are you bringing some dinner back?

He replies Yes love, I've picked up a Swedish meatball selection, and ITS COMING HOME!

"Hmm," I said to the fishmonger, examining the selection. "I've got the munchies, I will eat any of these."

"Smoked trout?" he asked.
"No," I replied. "Just a little bit of w**...."

A man to a psychiatrist:

How do you select who should be admitted to your facility? The psychiatrist replies: We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub. The man smiles: Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket. The Psychiatrist replies: No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?

Calling a company be like:

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Press 1 for English. To talk to a live person, please enter PI to the 27th digit followed by your 2nd cousin's social security number and the number Ϡ . What was that? Sorry our automated system can't understand you. Please s**... your phone whole so we can listen to your vocal cords easier. You have made an INVALID SELECTION

How do you speed up natural selection

Make a internet challenge that challenges people to dance on the very edge of a cliff with camera in selfie mode

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

A police officer candidate goes for an interview...

The officer says, "Take this p**... and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".

Husband and wife went for a job interview.

In the evening...
Wife: How was your interview today?
Husband: I was rejected!
Wife: Why?
Husband: Because the first button of my shirt was open.
Wife: Strange! I have been selected for the same reason.

You know those people protesting the stay at home order are really doing a great job

Proving that natural selection does exist

Europe is like a fridge

You have the freezing cold part at the top
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection
Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease

A favorite joke from my Dad

Eric walks into a plant nursery. Surrounded by lush potted plants, he selects an attractive hibiscus and proceeds to casually eat the leaves from its branches. A concerned salesperson walks up to him quickly.
"May I help you?" The salesperson asks.
"No thanks," answers Eric, "I'm just browsing."

Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me

I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards

Teachers from other countries make fun of the US education system

Sure, we don't teach evolution everywhere, but I don't see your countries volunteering to demonstrate natural selection in schools across the country.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.
She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.
Me : "You decide".
She : "No, you should decide"
Me : "No, you decide"
She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.

There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,
"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""

A local beekeeper was selling his bees for 5 dollars each.

"5 dollars for a single bee?! That's ridiculous," I complained.
"Well, if you don't like the price, you can select from that hive over there, those are freebies."

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private s**... lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says s**...: , as a young man, I'm always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.
Sometimes it provides me with the choice of M or F online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I'll be able to put M for many
As an aside, for some reason, the people I meet during the interview always seem confused at first

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these selecting jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.