Selected Jokes
40 selected jokes and hilarious selected puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about selected that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Selected Short Jokes
Short selected jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The selected humour may include short chosen jokes also.
- We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
- Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this nfl draft thing.
- why was Cindrella not selected in any football club? Because she kept running away from the ball
- A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry No pun in ten did.
- What did the guitar at the music store say to the customer browsing through their selection of stringed instruments? "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!!!!"
- So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
- A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match... The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.
It's because the cons outweigh the pros. - What did Charles Darwin say to the animals he discovered "Naturally I've selected you all for dinner"
- My Car spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of people And My Korean friend screams "Hit the Blakes" & I'm like "I can't be that selective"
- My sister was bother my 5 year old niece while she was playing roblox on her iPod My niece got fed up and said, "You better stop or I'm gonna buy this for real!" *Selects random IAP*
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Selected One Liners
Which selected one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with selected? I can suggest the ones about selection and picked.
- The Jews may be the "Chosen People"... ... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".
- There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask It's called Natural Selection
- What do Tide Pods taste like? Natural Selection.
- what makes us really humans? Selecting all images with traffic lights
- How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Natural selection.
- People not wanting to wearing masks is natural. Natural selection.
- Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit
- What killed the anti vaxxer's kids? Natural Selection
- Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..? ... He's addicted to Boos
- Lazy is a very strong word! I prefer to call it Selective Participation
- How do bees select a new queen? By pollen.
- With the first pick of the 2017 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select... To pass.
- Derek Zoolander selects his health insurance provider Blue Cross Blue Steel
- Why Wasn't God in Auschwitz? He couldn't make it past the selection.
- Summer school shootings Are modern natural selection.
Hilarious Selected Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about selected you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean choose jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make selected pranks.
When my wife and I got married,
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have s**... with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.
Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected
I asked the girl for a movie.
She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.
Me : "You decide".
She : "No, you should decide"
Me : "No, you decide"
She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection
Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
Dear sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.
Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt". Kind regards Channel Four.
Reality vs LinkedIn
Reality:
I got my driving license
Linkedin:
I am honored and thrilled to announce that I have been selected among the top 5 applicants who participated in professional and the most-respected exam which evaluates the skills and ability to operate fuel-based vehicles. I cannot wait to see what the next chapter holds, and I cannot express my appreciation to the ministry of transportation, Wendy's, Google, NASA, my neighbors who supported me during this difficult journey.
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...
Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"
An angel appears at a faculty meeting...
... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
A young bride and groom to be
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.
God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm
The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"
The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.
There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,
"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""
A police officer candidate goes for an interview...
The officer says, "Take this p**... and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
