Security Jokes

164 security jokes and hilarious security puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about security that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Can't take the seriousness of security seriously? Check out these hilarious jokes about anything security-related, from security guards, cameras, systems, engineers, awareness, questions, safety, McAfee, and surveillance!

Best Short Security Jokes

Short security jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The security humour may include short secure jokes also.

  1. I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
  2. My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
  3. I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
    2. My social security number
    3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
  4. China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
  5. Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
  6. what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store "A guardian of the galaxys"
    my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣
  7. My daughter told me I should treat her like a princess So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.
  8. After calling 5 different home security companies... ....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.
  9. My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a french alliance.
  10. I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.

Quick Jump To

Security joke, I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about security can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of security puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Security One Liners

Which security one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with security? I can suggest the ones about privacy and guard.

  1. '90s kids won't get this Social security
  2. I don't like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.
  3. I hate people who take drugs For example, border security.
  4. What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? Guardians of the Galaxy
  5. At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
  6. Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security? Sir Veillance
  7. Clinton's blue firewall... About as secure as her private email server.
  8. Drugs I hate those people who take drugs.
    For example, airport security.
  9. 90's American kids will never get this! Social Security.
  10. 2000's kids won't get this Social security checks
  11. Why don't jamaican people secure their homes? Because they dread locks
  12. All women want is security They always ask for it when I approach them.
  13. What do you call it when an ambulance hits a person? Job security
  14. Where did all the Cyber security consultants go for the last few days? They ransomware.
  15. I'm vaccinated against chicken pox AND monkey pox. I'm 2Pox Secure.

Security Guard Jokes

Here is a list of funny security guard jokes and even better security guard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university... I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?
  • What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
  • Boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office Im on season 6 but I'm not really sure what its got to do with security.
  • As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I'm on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
  • What do you call a security guard working outside of a Samsung shop? A guardian of the galaxy
  • I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini ... a security guard wandered over to me and said sir you can't wear that in here
  • After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest... ...It was a huge bust.
  • Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate
  • A German gets to border security... Border guard: "Occupation?"
    The German: "No, just visiting"
  • I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor. The Security Guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy.

Airport Security Jokes

Here is a list of funny airport security jokes and even better airport security puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual ...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.
  • An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security. Airport security:"Nationality?"
    Austrian: "Austria"
    Airport security: "Occupation?"
    Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"
  • I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.
  • I got arrested at the airport last week. Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
  • A photon is going through airport security... The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
    The photon says, No, I'm traveling light.
  • I was banned from the airport last week. Security doesn't really like it when you call "shotgun" on the plane.
  • As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today... All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...
  • Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport I mean I had to hand it to them
  • I hate people that take drugs.. This whole airport security thing has gone *way* too far.
  • How I got tasered... Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

Social Security Jokes

Here is a list of funny social security jokes and even better social security puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions ! 1. My credit card number
    2. My social security number
    3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
  • I had a joke for Generation Z about Social Security... ... But they're probably not going to get it.
  • Social Security. Get it? You will when you're 65.
  • Yo mamma is so old… …that her social security number is written with Roman numerals.
  • I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions 1. ⁠My credit card number
    2. ⁠My social security number
    3. ⁠Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate
  • I was trying to come up with a joke about social security I abandoned the idea because you probably won't get it
  • If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have? I'd have 314,159,265
  • I'm going to tell my Gen Z friend a joke about Social Security... ...but he probably won't get it.
  • I was going to tell a joke about Social Security But I realized no one was likely to get it.
  • Yo Momma so Old Her social security number is 3.

Security Officer Jokes

Here is a list of funny security officer jokes and even better security officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What are security officers called at a trampoline park? Bouncers
  • My boss told me as a security guard to watch the office I'm on season 6 but don't understand what it has to do with security
  • Security Officer: "Who are you? What's your occupation? Where are you from?" Goblin Sister: "Goblin Slayer"
  • A chicken walks into an office and goes to the security guard's desk Guard: Hi, what's your name?
    Chicken: Buck
  • Did you know that the security officers on the united video are huge metal fans? You can even see them headbanging.
  • This airport security officer at London airport really doesn't like me Everytime I try to get past security , Heathrows me out

Security Camera Jokes

Here is a list of funny security camera jokes and even better security camera puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got security cameras fitted outside my house. Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.
  • Grandpa: "Back in the day, you could walk into a grocery store with $ 2 and leave with a full shopping cart. But nowadays they have security cameras everywhere!"
  • Yo mamma so ugly when she was walking to the bank.
    They turned of the security cameras.
  • Yo momma is so ugly that when she walked into Wal-Mart they turned off the security cameras.
  • I clicked on an NFL greatest hits compilation Unfortunately it was mostly just security camera footage of their girlfriends
  • 10 years ago, you could walk into a store with just a dollar and come back out with a candy bar, a soda and a bag of crisps, Now there's security cameras everywhere!
  • When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days... Too many d**... security cameras.
  • When I was a kid, you could go in a store with 10 dollars and get out with a new ball, 4 milk j**..., a shirt and a pair of shoes. Nowadays you can't. There are security cameras everywhere.
  • Police and Security companies are using fake hornets' nests to hide cameras. So if you see one, y**... the s**... down!
Security joke, Police and Security companies are using fake hornets' nests to hide cameras.

Cheeky Security Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

What funny jokes about security you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean safe jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make security prank.

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the s**... Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

When a statistician passes the airport security check...

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

I hate going through airport security...

For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".

Last night my black colleague.......

Last night my black colleague walked away with the 'Employee of the year' award.
Luckily security stopped him at the door.

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken
The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.
100 million dollars , says the KFC rep.
Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred.
One billion dollars. This is our final offer.
After some consideration of the sum of the donation that the church is about to receive, the Pope reluctantly agrees to the deal. He then returned to the Vatican and called a meeting of all the Cardinals.
I have good news and bad news, the Pontiff said. The good news is, I have managed to secure a donation of one billion dollars to our church. The bad news is, we've lost the Wonder Bread account.

I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems

The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."

A janitor, a security guard, and a CEO are sitting at table with a dozen Twinkies.

The CEO grabs 11 Twinkies for himself, turns to the security guard and says: "Watch out for the janitor, he wants part of your t**...."

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.

Two Monks

Two Monks attempted to sell flowers outside the p**... mansion yesterday. Despite the best attempts of the mansions security, the monks could not be forced from the grounds. It wasn't until the owner of the mansion himself arrived, that the friars left. It just goes to show:
that only Hue can stop florist friars.

Remember the old times in the Internet?

Where men are men, women are men, and
the national security agents are young children.

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife's newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-a**... neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!

My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...

so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.

How does an ant put on a tie?

With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: s**... you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,

so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.

He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

Wife or Girlfriend

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

A clown with a briefcase walks into a bar

The barman calls security and says "sorry, no funny business"

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

Why was the gay security guard fired from the s**... bank?

He was caught drinking on the job.

A boy caught his dad red handed having an affair with the maid.

The dad told the son, take this $10 and don't tell your mum please!"
The son answered, but dad this is not fair!! Mum gave me $50 when I caught her with the security Man.

Verizon made a new minimum security prison and despite what many would believe its very successful.

its got no bars but you still cant get out of it for 2 years

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It's not because they're worried about spies cracking the codes. It's just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can't tweet them out.

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 6 pm...

until I'm removed by security.

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

So much for privacy...

Google: We really value your privacy
Twitter: We'd never collect anything
Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device
Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a c**....
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a c**... allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of d**..., and gives you a sense of security while being s**....

A guy visits his favorite d**...

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.
I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:
370HSSV - 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI
No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.
Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces.

Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:
If you're arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.

I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

Security joke, I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

jokes about security

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these security jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.