Security Guard Jokes

103 security guard jokes and hilarious security guard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about security guard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Security guards are often the butt of jokes, but there are some that are actually funny. Here are a few of our favorites.

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Funniest Security Guard Short Jokes

Short security guard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The security guard humour may include short prison guard jokes also.

  1. what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store "A guardian of the galaxys"
    my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣
  2. I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.
  3. My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university... I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?
  4. What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
  5. Boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office Im on season 6 but I'm not really sure what its got to do with security.
  6. As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I'm on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
  7. What do you call a security guard working outside of a Samsung shop? A guardian of the galaxy
  8. I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini ... a security guard wandered over to me and said sir you can't wear that in here
  9. After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest... ...It was a huge bust.
  10. A German gets to border security... Border guard: "Occupation?"
    The German: "No, just visiting"

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Security Guard One Liners

Which security guard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with security guard? I can suggest the ones about security officer and bodyguard.

  1. At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
  2. Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate
  3. Chuck Norris' security guard… …is grateful to have Chuck protecting him.
  4. What do you call security guards at the Apple store? Adam and Eve.
  5. Why do you need security guard at cementry ? Beacuse people are dying to get in.
  6. Only one more sleep to go before I lose my job as a night security guard.
  7. What do you call a security guard in a jumping castle? A Bouncer
  8. What do you call the security guards at a Samsung store? Firemen
  9. What's the one thing that can't get passed a fat security guard? Carbohydrates
  10. Why was the guard mad when he heard the mall was closing down? He lost his job security.
  11. What do you call a pharmacy's security guard? The fentanyl sentinel
  12. Samsung security guards Also known as Guardians of the Galaxy.
  13. Don't feed the animals at the zoo! You should better feed the security guard!
  14. What do you call a security guard at Sleep Country? A mattress protector.
  15. What do you call a security guard whose always sleeping on the job? A Narkoleptic.

Security Guard joke, What do you call a security guard whose always sleeping on the job?

Delightful Fun Security Guard Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about security guard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean armed guards jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make security guard pranks.

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.
The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.
The robbery begins.
The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.
You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash.
Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," he said.
He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes, two minutes minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"
The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up.
I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the s**... bank? He got caught drinking on the job.

My therapist doesn't like me being a good boss to my security

She says I should let my guards down more

Just got 15 Valentines cards! It's left me completely breathless...

The security guard in Clintons Cards gave me quite a chase

Our school's Principal eloped with one of the school's security staff.

I can't believe she let her guard down.

That poor security guard....

A security guard at a factory has two wooden legs.
He was working a night shift once when the factory caught fire.
A spokesman from the fire brigade told the local news crew that
thanks to them arriving on the scene quickly, the factory was saved.
However, the security guard was burned to the ground.

A janitor, a security guard, and a CEO are sitting at table with a dozen Twinkies.

The CEO grabs 11 Twinkies for himself, turns to the security guard and says: "Watch out for the janitor, he wants part of your t**...."

A masked man walks into a bank, what happens next is so shocking...

The security guard tazed him

An Irishman is at JFK airport in New York

He is standing over a broken whiskey bottle and crying. A security guard approaches him and asks what's wrong. The Irishman wipes away his tears and says, "I LOST ALL ME LUGGAGE!"

I used to love going whale watching every Saturday...

At least that was until the security guard at Jenny Craig took my binoculars away.

Two men break into a Garden Centre [OC]

When a security guard started shouting insults at them.
One of them took a fence

Why would a dentist make a good airport security guard?

They both enjoy a good cavity search!

I too found a safe at work and tried opening it...

Bank security guard fired at me and police arrested me. It was not safe for me.

Hey John, we expend every night together watching the moon and the stars. What we are?

We are security guards Peter!

To much precaution...

Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat.

A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,

so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium

I just got over 15 Valentines cards! It left me breathless...

The security guard at the Hallmark store gave quite a chase.

What do you call soft-spoken security guards at the Samsung store?

Gaurdians of the Galaxy: Volume 2

Why was the gay security guard fired from the s**... bank?

He was caught drinking on the job.

You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":

Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.

Why didn't the security guard want to work at the rooftop bank?

Because he was scared of heists.

What does security at the fencing arena say as they exchange at the end of a shift?

You're on en garde guard duty.

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it

I was at the supermarket today and saw a man running out of the door, a bag full of cheese, being chased by security guards.

How dairy.

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

The airport security guard said to me: "Straight this way."

I asked him, "Where do the gay people go?"

A security guard came up to me yesterday...

and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

My friend got a job recently as the security guard at a toothpaste factory...

He's a Colgate-keeper

The difference between the services

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase secure the building :
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.

He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.
You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.
He pulls out his taser.
What happens next may shock you...

A lioness makes a nice kill, but has to catch a flight soon after.

There isn't enough time to eat it all, and and she doesn't want to waste so much good meat, so she just decides to bring it with her.
She gets to the airport, checks in and gets her boarding pass. She's about to go through security when she's stopped. Sorry ma'am, the guard says, we don't allow carrion.

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor.

The Security Guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy.

I once worked as a security guard for a Samsung shop..

I guess you could say I was the guardian of the galaxy..

My grandpa let 200 people go from a concentration camp in the holocaust

He was the worst security guard ever

What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a s**... bank?

The way the security guard treats you after you've blown your load.

I got caught smuggling a gun to the furry convention

Security guard *(notices bulge)* OwO what's this?!!

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother's remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

Most security guards don't have enough time on their hands.

Which is why they all choose to become watchmen!

Today I used a picnic basket to foil a robbery at the garden centre.

I threw it at the perp, and the security guard took him down while he was hampered.

Club Attender: Man, that security guard really didn't like that soccer ball...

Club Attender 2: Yeah, he was kicked out.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

what do you call security guards stationed outside a Samsung store?

Q:what do you call security guards stationed outside a Samsung store
A:guardians of the galaxy

An old hag was obsessed with shopping at Weis markets

She would wait outside the doors every morning until they opened. And then, she would binge-shop. She was so excited, she would run straight through the front door upon opening hours. The security guard took notice. He began to scold her. He told her one day, you can't keep rushing into our store like this! Only a fool behaves this way.
So, basically, Weis man say: only fools rush in.

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

A chicken walks into an office and goes to the security guard's desk

Guard: Hi, what's your name?
Chicken: Buck

So three women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They hide under a tarp on a work truck. The security guard is checking the tarp at the gate. He pokes his rifle at the brunette and she goes "meow, meow". He pokes his rifle at the red head and she goes "woof, woof". He pokes his rifle at the blonde and she goes "potato, potato".

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

My boss said I'm a worker worth paying attention to.

Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.

Interview for the position of security guard in India

Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?
Candidate: Are the thieves from England?

Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless

The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung mobile shops or showrooms ?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

A limo driver is driving Gorbachev to a very important building

The limo driver suddenly passes out, Gorbachev decides to put the unconscious man in the back seats and drive instead
Once he reaches the gate, two security guards start whispering to each other
Guard 1: "Uh, who is the person in the back?"
Guard 2: "I don't know, but he must be very important, since Gorbachev is his driver"

If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.

I've always been known for my Inn-Security.

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach "

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"
Security guard :" Well, there is no law about that".

What do you call the security guards working outside a Samsung mobile store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"
Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

A man breaks into a wealthy persons house

He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"

'Self help' and 'help yourself' surely mean the same thing right??

The security guard didn't think so and made me put the books back.

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

I just came up with this

A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.

Security Guard joke, I just came up with this

jokes about security guard