Security Guard Jokes
93 security guard jokes and hilarious security guard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about security guard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Security guards are often the butt of jokes, but there are some that are actually funny. Here are a few of our favorites.
Funniest Security Guard Short Jokes
Short security guard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The security guard humour may include short prison guard jokes also.
- what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store "A guardian of the galaxys"
my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣 - I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.
- My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university... I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?
- What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
- Boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office Im on season 6 but I'm not really sure what its got to do with security.
- I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini ... a security guard wandered over to me and said sir you can't wear that in here
- After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest... ...It was a huge bust.
- I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor. The Security Guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy.
- Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?
Candidate: Are the thieves from England? - Just got 15 Valentines cards! It's left me completely breathless... The security guard in Clintons Cards gave me quite a chase
Share These Security Guard Jokes With Friends
Security Guard One Liners
Which security guard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with security guard? I can suggest the ones about security officer and bodyguard.
- Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate
- Chuck Norris' security guard… …is grateful to have Chuck protecting him.
- What do you call security guards at the Apple store? Adam and Eve.
- Why do you need security guard at cementry ? Beacuse people are dying to get in.
- Only one more sleep to go before I lose my job as a night security guard.
- What do you call a security guard in a jumping castle? A Bouncer
- What do you call the security guards at a Samsung store? Firemen
- What's the one thing that can't get passed a fat security guard? Carbohydrates
- Why was the guard mad when he heard the mall was closing down? He lost his job security.
- What do you call a pharmacy's security guard? The fentanyl sentinel
- Don't feed the animals at the zoo! You should better feed the security guard!
- What do you call a security guard at Sleep Country? A mattress protector.
- What do you call a security guard whose always sleeping on the job? A Narkoleptic.
- What did the Hispanic security guard drink at the airport... Tea Ese.
Delightful Fun Security Guard Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about security guard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean armed guards jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make security guard pranks.
Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.
The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.
The robbery begins.
The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.
You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash.
Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," he said.
He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"
The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up.
I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
My therapist doesn't like me being a good boss to my security
She says I should let my guards down more
A security guard starts working at the docks...
...and at the end of the day he sees a worker leaving, pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw.
The security guard is suspicious that the man is stealing from the ships, but after searching through the straw, he can't find anything more than old straw for the man's garden. The next day the same thing happens and again he can't find any stolen goods in the wheelbarrow, just straw.
Over the next 4 years this happens every single day, and the security guard never stops suspecting the man of stealing, until one day the man leaves with no wheelbarrow.
The security guard asks him why he has no wheelbarrow today and the man says it's because this is his last day, he's retiring. The security guard can't contain his curiosity and begs the man to tell him what he's been stealing all these years.
The man replies: Wheelbarrows.
Back in Soviet Russia...
...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothing so he would reluctantly let the man reload the dirt and go home.
This goes on for 25 years until the man finally retired. On his last day the the bewildered security guard pleaded with him "I know you've been smuggling something out of here all of these years. Please just tell me what it was?" The man replied with a sly wink "Wheelbarrows".
Two robbers, Hank and Jeff, break into a jewelry store.
They start taking everything they can get their hands on without triggering the alarms. Hank spots a gold necklace with a huge emerald, the price of which would allow them to live in luxury for the rest of their lives. It was obviously well-secured, however, and Jeff tries to convince him that it's a bad idea and that the alarms will go off. Hank doesn't care and smashes the case and grabs the emerald necklace anyway. Immediately alarms sound and within seconds a huge security guard rushes into the store and grabs Hank and Jeff, tosses them on his shoulders, and hauls them off to jail.
Jeff looks at Hank and says "Next time let's not get carried away."
Our school's Principal eloped with one of the school's security staff.
I can't believe she let her guard down.
Early, but here's one for the Holidays.
The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion.
The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined in to voice their opinions. The atrium erupted in quite a disruption! Security guards intervened to break it up at the Hotel Manager's direction. He demanded the lot be forcibly removed from the hotel!
"Mr. Manager," one of the security guards spoke up. "You don't think that's overreacting a bit? It was just an argument. No one was hurt or anything."
"I don't care!" the manager declared. "I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer!"
That poor security guard....
A security guard at a factory has two wooden legs.
He was working a night shift once when the factory caught fire.
A spokesman from the fire brigade told the local news crew that
thanks to them arriving on the scene quickly, the factory was saved.
However, the security guard was burned to the ground.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys named Bob are walking by a nuclear reactor.
Bob starts talking about how his great uncle twice removed worked at a nuclear plant and grew an extra arm.
Other Bob says, "well that would be awesome, I could use an extra arm."
Bob says, "oh, I think it could only happen to me, it's in my genetics."
Other Bob gets mad. "b**..., I could grow an extra arm before you could!"
So they both hop the fence and start running around the reactor. The security guard chases them, but he's 83 years old. Bob dives in the cooling tank, while other Bob licks the giant tower. Other Bob swallows a spent fuel pellet, while Bob rolls around in some yellow powder. Suddenly, and simultaneously, third arms sprout out of both of their chests. They look at each other. "God d**..., a tie?"
At this point the old security guard hobbles up. "When will your generation learn," he wheezes. "There are never any winners in a nuclear arms race."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A janitor, a security guard, and a CEO are sitting at table with a dozen Twinkies.
The CEO grabs 11 Twinkies for himself, turns to the security guard and says: "Watch out for the janitor, he wants part of your t**...."
A masked man walks into a bank, what happens next is so shocking...
The security guard tazed him
I used to love going whale watching every Saturday...
At least that was until the security guard at Jenny Craig took my binoculars away.
Two men break into a Garden Centre
When a security guard started shouting insults at them.
One of them took a fence
Why would a dentist make a good airport security guard?
They both enjoy a good cavity search!
I too found a safe at work and tried opening it...
Bank security guard fired at me and police arrested me. It was not safe for me.
Hey John, we expend every night together watching the moon and the stars. What we are?
We are security guards Peter!
To much precaution...
Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat.
A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,
so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife.
But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife.
"She works at Walmart", I said.
He just shook his head, got up, and left. Just like that. I wasn't there, but people say he grabbed her by the t**... and started choking her. It wasn't long before a security guard rushed over. Arty was so big he grabbed both of them. One neck per hand. And killed them both.
It's hard to believe but it's true. They even ran a story about it in the local paper. "Arty chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart".
Obama's no longer President
January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."
I just got over 15 Valentines cards! It left me breathless...
The security guard at the Hallmark store gave quite a chase.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the gay security guard fired from the s**... bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":
Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.
Why didn't the security guard want to work at the rooftop bank?
Because he was scared of heists.
What does security at the fencing arena say as they exchange at the end of a shift?
You're on en garde guard duty.
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it
I was at the supermarket today and saw a man running out of the door, a bag full of cheese, being chased by security guards.
How dairy.
My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"
I replied, "Single-handedly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The airport security guard said to me: "Straight this way."
I asked him, "Where do the gay people go?"
My friend got a job recently as the security guard at a toothpaste factory...
He's a Colgate-keeper
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The difference between the services
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase secure the building :
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.
He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.
You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.
He pulls out his taser.
What happens next may shock you...
Museum Security
There was a man who was an aspiring archaeologist and he was curious about dinosaurs and fossils. He went to a museum and saw a giant fossil skeleton of a T-Rex, but he didn't know the age, however. He asked the security guard nearby Hey do you know how old that dinosaur fossil is? The security guard replied 65 million and 3 years old! The man was intrigued by the age of the fossil but confused . How do you know it's exactly 65 million and 3 years old?, that seems very specific for carbon dating to me! The security guard replied Well, it was 65 million years old when I first started working here, 3 years ago.
A lioness makes a nice kill, but has to catch a flight soon after.
There isn't enough time to eat it all, and and she doesn't want to waste so much good meat, so she just decides to bring it with her.
She gets to the airport, checks in and gets her boarding pass. She's about to go through security when she's stopped. Sorry ma'am, the guard says, we don't allow carrion.
My grandpa let 200 people go from a concentration camp in the holocaust
He was the worst security guard ever
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a s**... bank?
The way the security guard treats you after you've blown your load.
I got caught smuggling a gun to the furry convention
Security guard *(notices bulge)* OwO what's this?!!
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother's remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Most security guards don't have enough time on their hands.
Which is why they all choose to become watchmen!
Today I used a picnic basket to foil a robbery at the garden centre.
I threw it at the perp, and the security guard took him down while he was hampered.
Club Attender: Man, that security guard really didn't like that soccer ball...
Club Attender 2: Yeah, he was kicked out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old hag was obsessed with shopping at Weis markets
She would wait outside the doors every morning until they opened. And then, she would binge-shop. She was so excited, she would run straight through the front door upon opening hours. The security guard took notice. He began to scold her. He told her one day, you can't keep rushing into our store like this! Only a fool behaves this way.
So, basically, Weis man say: only fools rush in.
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(
A chicken walks into an office and goes to the security guard's desk
Guard: Hi, what's your name?
Chicken: Buck
My boss said I'm a worker worth paying attention to.
Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.
A limo driver is driving Gorbachev to a very important building
The limo driver suddenly passes out, Gorbachev decides to put the unconscious man in the back seats and drive instead
Once he reaches the gate, two security guards start whispering to each other
Guard 1: "Uh, who is the person in the back?"
Guard 2: "I don't know, but he must be very important, since Gorbachev is his driver"
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"
Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"
Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".
A man breaks into a wealthy persons house
He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"
'Self help' and 'help yourself' surely mean the same thing right??
The security guard didn't think so and made me put the books back.
A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from
The guard points to the ATM machine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can I buy the building?
The reason why the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth walk into a restaurant...
They're waiting to be seated, when they spot Sandra Bullock and George Clooney sitting at a table nearby.
Suddenly and without warning they run over to the pair's table and start screaming and shouting:
"No!"
"You cannot, and shall not!"
"We will not let you! Ever!"
Security are called, and the two actresses are escorted away.
As they are leaving, the security guard says:
"What in blazes were you doing?"
The pair look at each other and, as one reply:
"Defying Gravity"
-----
My only original joke ever.
Who's the most philosophical person?
Security guard
Who are you?
What are you doing?
Where are you going
