Secure Jokes
60 secure jokes and hilarious secure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about secure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Secure Short Jokes
Short secure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The secure humour may include short security jokes also.
- I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
- My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
- I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate - China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
- what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store "A guardian of the galaxys"
my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣 - My daughter told me I should treat her like a princess So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.
- After calling 5 different home security companies... ....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.
- My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a french alliance.
- I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.
Share These Secure Jokes With Friends
Secure One Liners
Which secure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with secure? I can suggest the ones about safe and guard.
- '90s kids won't get this Social security
- I don't like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.
- I hate people who take drugs For example, border security.
- What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? Guardians of the Galaxy
- At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
- Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security? Sir Veillance
- Clinton's blue firewall... About as secure as her private email server.
- Drugs I hate those people who take drugs.
For example, airport security. - 90's American kids will never get this! Social Security.
- 2000's kids won't get this Social security checks
- Why don't jamaican people secure their homes? Because they dread locks
- All women want is security They always ask for it when I approach them.
- What do you call it when an ambulance hits a person? Job security
- Where did all the Cyber security consultants go for the last few days? They ransomware.
- I'm vaccinated against chicken pox AND monkey pox. I'm 2Pox Secure.
Hilarious Secure Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about secure you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean protect jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make secure pranks.
Prom
Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said "yes." He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were renting tuxedos as well, but he waited patiently because he was so thrilled, and orders his tuxedo. A week passes. Doug realizes he wants to rent a limo for the big night to impress Susan, so he goes to a car rental shop. There's an even longer line and over a hundred people are waiting, but he's so excited that he waits and waits and finally secures his limo reservation. The big day approaches, and Doug can't contain his excitement. He goes to the flower shop to buy a corsage and a boutineer. Every guy in town is already waiting in line, but he patiently goes to the back and waits his turn. Hours pass, and he finally purchases his items. Flower in hand, he goes and picks Susan up for prom. The night is well, and Doug and Susan are having a blast. They're dancing and laughing and having a generally good time, and soon Susan leans in close to Doug and whispers that she'd like a glass of punch. So Doug, bent on getting her a drink, looks over to the drink tables and sees that there's no punch line.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
The Irish have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine.
They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance!
When I am more mature I will be totally secure.
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary....
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary when the husband asks his wife if she's ever been unfaithful.
"Three times," answer the wife. "Remember when you needed money to start up your business and no one would give you any? Well I slept with the bank manager to secure you a loan."
"You made that sacrifice for me?" asks the astonished husband. "That was wonderful of you. What was the second time?"
"Remember that operation you needed that no one would perform because it was too dangerous? Well, I slept with the surgeon so he'd do it."
"Oh my God," says the husband. "You saved my life. And what was the third time?"
"Well," says his wife, "Remember when you wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 52 votes short...?"
Engine failure
A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing.
After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards"
What does my anorexic girlfriend have in common with my secure Dropbox?
They both have 0 bytes in 'Public'.
My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...
so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.
Daughter asked me she wants to feel like a princess
so I forced her on a marriage with a man she's never met to secure our alliance with the French.
Hades is a like a Highschool Football Player
Hades was able to secure a pretty girl, trick her to eat swallowing his seeds, and now she has to live with him, all while her mother despises him.
Do you know what's more secure than clinton's email servers?
What the nintendo switch is.
Hillary Clinton has been so embarrassed about her email scandal that if elected she will bring back the secure channels of communication she used growing up...
the pony express.
I emailed Hillary that to secure a win, she had to pick Bernie as VP.
I guess she deleted it.
Hey baby, are you secure?
Because I'd love to run some p**... tests on you.
Why the different branches of the military can't work together:
The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
I told my daughter I'd only treat her like a princess
...and that is why I married her off to a middle aged man she'd never met in order to secure an alliance with the French.
You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":
Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.
The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..
They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It's not because they're worried about spies cracking the codes. It's just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can't tweet them out.
I met a girl who wanted to be treated like a princess.
So I married her off to a French nobleman to secure political power.
Set password as 2444666668888888
Super secure, if anyone asks just tell them it is 12345678.
How did the Ancient Egyptians secure their Boats?
With an Ankhor
the differences between the branches of the US military
If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to
If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.
If you tell the Navy "Secure that building!"
They will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch
If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!"
They will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.
Sometimes the same word means different things to different people.
Suppose, for example, the order goes out from HQ to "secure the building."
After a short while, the Marines report back, "We have destroyed the building."
Army reports, "We have killed everyone in the building and are holding the position."
Navy: "We locked the door when we left for the day."
Air Force: "We signed a three-year lease with an option to buy."
The difference between the services
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase secure the building :
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Who did Saudis beat to secure a place for the World Cup ?
Their Wives.
Almost everybody I know, has a secured WiFi but a blank WiFi password.
whenever I click 'Show Password' nothing shows up.
When asked to secure the building, the different branches of the military all took unique approachs.
The Army set up a defensive perimeter. Surrounding the building with 50cal implacements, tanks, sandbags, barbed wire and strategically placed snipers.
The SAS approached under the cover of night and stormed the building with a hard and fast two pronged ground and air assault.
The Navy ensured the lights the were out and the doors were locked.
And...
The airforce took out a 3 year lease with an option to buy.
Security measures.
Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
-
Cash machine login 1234: Here's your 1000 dollars.
Donald Trump approaches the wall prototypes.
Donald Trump is approaching the wall prototypes when suddenly a secret service agent yells "Mickey Mouse!".
A man appears to have jumped across the boarder holding something suspicious.
The secret service agents tackle him and the situation is secure.
Someone then asks what the Mickey Mouse shouting was about.
The agent goes "I was startled, I meant to say Donald Duck!"
Why are Rastafarians afraid to secure their houses at night?
Because they dread locks.
I like my s**... like I like my wine
barely mature and from a secure location under my house.
Too far?
Blackbeard goes into a bank...
Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship. The banker nods and says
"Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."
Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.
"The standard rate? What's that mean?"
"3.14%. You know...the Pi Rate."
Dude runs out of his house and rushes another dude walking....
He says, "My wife is an epileptic and she's seizing! Can you help?"
The other guy says, "Yes! Tell me what to do!"
They run into the house and to the bedroom and sure enough, the woman is in gran mal. The husband says, "Help me tie her down so she doesn't hurt herself!!"
They both proceed to tie her to the bedposts. Once secure, the husband strips n**..., climbs on top of his seizing wife and yells, "Cut'er loose!"
What do you call a modem in a safe?
A secure connection.
Afghanistan is sending 1200 troops to Washington D.C.
on a mission to secure the fragile democracy.
My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...
I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.
What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?
If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
Can I buy the building?
The reason why the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
A squad of potatoes is engaged in a firefight after being sent to secure several important roads...
Gunfire and explosions are raining down on the group of potatoes until it's only the sergeant on his radio and a couple of others standing over the crispy skins of their fallen comrades. The General's voice suddenly blares from the radio...
"Sergeant, come in! What is your status, are the routes safe?"
"NO SIR, THE ROOTS ARE NOT SAFE - AND WE'RE DROPPING LIKE FRIES!"
