secretary Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious secretary puns

A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary. The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!" The husband says...

"I know. That's why I'm doing it to her."

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I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

She said, "You can't do this to me!"

I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her.

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Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin ?

Secretary: Just a second, Mr. President…

Trump: Thanks

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My secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "remember, you have a wife."

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A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

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George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...

...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.

Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"

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Invisible...

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

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A businessman is at the office.

He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "

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During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."

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A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

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Georgia joke

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

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My Lawyer said to me...

I have some good news and I have some bad news.

I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first, I said.

My lawyer said: Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million!!!

Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day – now what's the bad news?? I replied enthusiastically

The pictures are of you shagging your secretary, he said.

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My secretary doesn't wear any bra or panties to work.

But he types really well.

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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency

"Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the Politician, "That she has a big mouth."

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Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:Is she smart?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:Is she pretty?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:How did she dress today?

Husband:Very quickly.

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A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."

And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"

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Sexual harassment

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary bursts into his office to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man working in the same department. "What on earth did he do?", asks the boss. "It's not what he did but what he said!", the secretary shrieks. "He said my hair smelt nice!". "And what is so wrong with him telling you that?", asks the boss. "He's a midget" ,huffs the woman.

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A man was humping his secretary in his office up her ass when....

His wife walks in on them unannounced.

Horrified, she screams " Honey, you can't do this to me".

Man calmly replies"Right, that's why I am doing it to her".

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Guy is looking for a new secretary...

Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?

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A CEO went to see his lawyer and was greeted with the following comment:

"I have some good news and some bad news for you.

OK, I've had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first, the man replied.

Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of 2 million.

Well done, very good news indeed!" said the CEO enthusiastically. "You've made my day. Now, what is the bad news?

The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.

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man goes to his doctor...

man goes to his doctor and begins to explain

"Doctor, I have a problem. My wife is a nymphomaniac and we have to have sex at least twice before she'll let me go to work. My secretary is also a nympho, and we usually have sex late morning and mid afternoon in the stationery cupboard. Sometimes my wife rings and I have to go home at lunchtime to satisfy her, otherwise she says she'll have sex with the mailman! When I get home, I have to satisfy my wife immediately, and then again at bed time before I am allowed to go to sleep."

the doctor asks "so what's the problem?"

"it hurts when I masturbate!"

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[ORIGINAL JOKE] A secretary is like...

a pencil sharpener, you can't really say it's yours until you screw it on your desk.

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What's a Freudian slip?

Two old men are playing a round of golf. One says, "in my old age, I find myself making more Freudian slips." The other says "what's a Freudian slip"?

The first man says, "is when you intend to say one thing, but actually say what you were really thinking. Like the other day, I had a new secretary, as I was leaving the office, I meant to say 'see you next time' but actually said 'knee you sex time'. It was really just embarrassing."

The other man says, "oh, yeah, I have Freudian slips all the time, then. Just this morning my wife made eggs and bacon. I meant to ask her to pass the salt, but instead I said "you bitch, you've ruined my life."

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Joining the church and . . .

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

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Wartime meeting

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a good servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here."

Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in Stalin's office.

"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"

"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."

"And who were you talking about?

"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."

Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,

"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did *you* have in mind?

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After telling his wife he was working late at the office

...a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"

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A new hot secretary joined a company...

Two guys of this company start to speak about her:

"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"

So they start flirting with her.

One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".

Surprised by this answer, this guy starts to hit on the secretary very hard, and gets to have sex with her three days later.

His friend then asks him if he shares his opinion. He answers: "Yeah, you were actually right: your wife is better".

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New secretary

Frank and Harry have been business partners for many years. They had just employed a new secretary and Frank had taken her out.

"How was it?" inquired Harry.

"Fantastic! And i don't mind saying, that she's far better in the cot than my wife."

A couple of weeks later, Harry took the secretary out, and the following morning, he said, "You're right Frank, she is better than your wife!"

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There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

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Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged

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Boss and secretary.

A boss says to his secretary: "I wanna have sex with you, ill make it fast. Ill throw a 1000 bucks on the floor and by the time u bend down and pick it up ill be done."
She thinks about it and decides to ask her boyfriend
He tells her to ask for 2000 bucks and pickup the money really fast and to call her when its done.
An hour later the boyfriebd gets worried and calls her. He asks "what happened why didnt u call?"
So she says: "The bastard used coins!! Im still picking and he's still fucking!"

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The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

"What's that thing?" she asks.

"Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient."

"Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of those!"

"Yep, I definitely recommend it."

And they go about the rest of the day.

Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary's desk.

"Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!" he says.

"Oh, yes sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold." She's beaming.

He grins back. "Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

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A Boss Offered His Secretary $1000 For Sex

A boss said to his secretary I Want to have
sex with you and I will make it very fast.
I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time
you bend down to pick it, I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called
her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it
but Ask him for $2000, pick up the
Β money Very fast. So he Wouldn't even
have enough time to undress himself.
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by,
the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend,
he asks, What happened?
She responds, The Bastard used coins!

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A man was getting his physical...

when he then brings up a problem:

Man:Doc, you got to help me. When I wake up, I have a quickie with my wife, then carpool to work with my neighbor's wife who gives me road head, then at work, I pork my secretary for a few hours, then go to lunch at the strip club, where I have a three-way in private, then I go back to work where I fuck the intern until I go home, while I get more road head from the carpool. Then I have sex with my wife after dinner until we pass out.

Doctor(male):What could possibly be wrong with your lifestyle? You're living every man's dream!

Man: IT HURTS WHEN I MASTURBATE!!!!!

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A politician and his secretary

At a news conference a journalist said to a politician, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"
"The truth is," he replied, "my secretary has a big mouth. "

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I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.

We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.

I was sitting on the couch naked.

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What are the most funny Secretary jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Secretary? Well, here are the best Secretary dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Secretary pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes