Secret Service Jokes
73 secret service jokes and hilarious secret service puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about secret service that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Secret Service Short Jokes
Short secret service jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The secret service humour may include short secret agent jokes also.
- I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life. He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."
- Trump's Secret Service is going to have a problem If someone shoots at him, they will yell "Donald Duck, Donald Duck"
- At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby. They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.
- What's the difference between the Secret Service and the Postal Service? One protects your secrets and one goes through your mail, and you'll *never* guess which is which.
- One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said: "Its FOR-BIDEN!"
- Abraham Lincoln went to see a play without bringing the Secret Service He never heard the end of it
- Serj Tankian should enter politics. The secret service would be renamed "The Serj Protectors"
- BUSH AND BILL Jokes Q: Why was there so much confusion with the Secret Service after George W. Bush took over the White House?
A: Because President Bill Clinton's code name was also "Mr. Bush." - Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment... his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".
- Did you hear the joke about the Russian Oligarchs? Neither did anybody else, because the Secret Service was kept away due to "privacy concerns"
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Secret Service One Liners
Which secret service one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with secret service? I can suggest the ones about secretary and secretary boss.
- whats the secret service of Australia called? M8
- What do you call the Mexican secret service? FB ay ayay ay
- What language did the Viking secret service use to communicate in secret? Norse code.
- Due to recent events, James Bond no longer works for her majesty's secret service.
- Why don't people know what network the President uses? He has secret service.
- I can smell oranges from a mile away. That's why I work for the secret service
- Why was the President broke after the assassination attempt? Secret service charges.
- The Secret Service is the worst agency in the USA. Everybody's heard of them.
- How good is the secret service? Too good.
- If the black man got shot, these guys get fired. Secret Service guys, cuz you know.
- If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.
- Al Gore's so boring his secret service name is Al Gore
Fun-Filled Secret Service Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about secret service you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean postal service jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make secret service pranks.
The usher in church greets one of their members...
and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"
The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".
The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."
French Jokes
What's the standard issue weapon in the French army? A white flag.
What's the only French martial art? Parkour, the art running away.
Like the entrance to Hogwarts, if you look at the French flag from exactly the right angle (like that of an invading army), it turns white.
An American, Russian, and French soldier see a German machine gunner. The Russian calls on his comrades to repeatedly s**... charge the German until he runs out of bullets. The American calls for a synchronized b**... strike using the full might the American military to obliterate the German (and all the nearby land). The Frenchman gets blown up by the American strike, because he already surrendered and was taken prisoner by the German.
For sale: A French rifle. Never fired, dropped once.
What's the difference between a French soldier and a brain-dead jugghead? The jugghead runs towards the battle.
Inspired by the American president. The French prime-minister ordered his secret service to carry around a locked briefcase that can only be unlocked by the prime-minister in case of an emergency war. Inside is said to be the controls to the national white-flag system.
What's the French military motto? Don't shoot, we surrender.
Barack Obama was out jogging one day...
When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before secret service could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney world!" To which Obama replied, "not a problem, I'll even fly you there in Air Force one." The second kid then says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's!" "You got it." Said Obama. "I'll even have Michael Jordan himself sign them." Then the third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in big screen tv and headset." Obama seemed a bit confused at this. "You don't look like yore handicapped." He said. To which the kid replied, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.
The secret services of the USA, Israel and Russia argue about which is most effective.
An impartial Swiss judge releases a rabbit into thick woods and instructs them to find it.
The CIA and NSA conduct months of testing, hacking and spying before concluding that rabbits don't exist.
The Mossad torches the forest and proudly proclaims that the rabbit has been taken care of.
The FSB goes into the adjacent woods. An hour later, it comes out dragging a bloodied bear, who howls "Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Secret service agent takes a bullet for the President
to avoid being hauled before Congress
Obama wakes up on a snowy morning at the White House and looks out the window
...to see someone has peed "OBAMA s**..." in the snow. He asks the secret service to investigate. They come back and say, "sir we have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, Biden did it."
"What's worse than that?!" Says the president.
"Well sir, the worse news is, it was Michelle's handwriting."
Dan has a secret s**... fantasy.
All his life he was turned on by the thought of being bitten hard all over his body by multiple women. So, he saved up his money until he could afford to hire several prostitutes at once to fulfill his fantasy. He didn't want to scare them off so he waited until they were underway before asking for the extra service. Unfortunately, none of the ladies were comfortable with the request. Dan didn't like it at all. Not one bit.
A black man, a Muslim and a communist walk into a bar...
accompanied by his Secret Service agents, of course.
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
Just saved 50 bucks!
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!
What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?
The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.
Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.
What's the difference between the Secret Service and every other police organization?
The Secret Service gets in trouble when a black man gets shot.
What is the only group of cops who get in trouble when a black guy gets killed?
secret service
Yellow Snow on the White House lawn
One winter morning, Bill Clinton woke up and looked out the window of his bedroom in the White House. He was shocked to see the words "Bill s**..." peed in the snow. He called the Secret Service to investigate the matter.
After a few days, the head of the Secret Service reported back to Bill, "I have bad news and I have worse news."
"Ok, let's hear the bad news."
"We did an analysis on the u**... and it belongs to Al Gore."
"And the worse news?"
"We did a handwriting analysis as well. It belongs to Hillary."
The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.
The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!"
The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!"
The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family."
Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.
We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-a**... neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!
One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
I respect the Secret Service
They are the only law enforcement agency in the country that gets in trouble if a black man gets shot.
Air Force One
Air Force One was carrying the President over the Atlantic Ocean for an international peace conference. One of the Secret Service agents approached the President, "Sir, there's a problem with the septic system. It's too full and it's starting to ice over."
The President replied, "Can't you just flush the system into the atmosphere?"
Secret service agent says, "No sir, I can't do that"
President asks, "Why not?"
Secret service agent, "Sir, I can't initiate an icy BM launch unless you give me the proper authorization codes."
How do you tell the difference between Al Gore and the secret service when they're in the same room?
Al Gore's the stiff one.
Nice pigs sir
A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.
The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."
What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind before he died?
"Huh… That's weird. I wonder why the secret service is backing away from my car."
Trump invites the Pope on his yacht...
The Popes hat blows off into the ocean so the Swiss guard and the secret service jump is trying to recover it but the current kept them away. So Trump says "I got it", and jumps overboard and walks across the water retrieves the hat and brings it back to the Pope.
CNN's headline the next day was "Trump Can't Swim!"
A secret service agent, nervous on his first day, sees Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump walking through the Whitehouse.
The new agent asks his supervisor, "Wow, is that really the First family?"
The supervisor, unfazed, replies, No, I think this is at least the third for Mr. Trump."
Why have we not heard about Secret Service agents being caught with prostitutes lately?
uhh, Mr. President, I think you need to head home unexpectedly on a rainy Tuesday afternoon.
A protester who shouted "Donald Trump is a m**...!" in front of the White House was arrested by the secret service and given 25 years in prison.
5 years for defamation, the court had announced, and an additional 20 years for leaking top-secret information.
Donald Trump approaches the wall prototypes.
Donald Trump is approaching the wall prototypes when suddenly a secret service agent yells "Mickey Mouse!".
A man appears to have jumped across the boarder holding something suspicious.
The secret service agents tackle him and the situation is secure.
Someone then asks what the Mickey Mouse shouting was about.
The agent goes "I was startled, I meant to say Donald Duck!"
Obama was running with a secret service member...
And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said We'll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we've had.
Obama then replied, One of the best? Not the best?
The agent replied No sir, Bush did 9:11
Suspicious Package Delivered to the White House Today
A suspicious package was delivered to Trump at the White House today.
It was a book.
The Secret Service is investigating the incident.
If Donald Trump is shot
The Secret Service has orders to shoot his entire cabinet.
And Ivanka, just to make sure.
Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President s**...."
Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the u**... is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."
I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a n**... bag of trash,
but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.
President Trump wakes up one winter morning and looks out the Whitehouse window to see the words "Trump s**...!" Written in u**... in the snow.
Outraged, he tasks the Secret Service to find out who is responsible.
Later that day the director of the Secret Service comes into the oval office and asks, "Sir, we have an answer. Do you want the bad news or the worse news?"
"Give me the bad news."
"We got the DNA test back on the u**..., it belongs to the vice president."
"That's the bad news?" Trump exclaims, "what could be worse than that?"
"Well," says the agent, "it was in the First Lady's hand writing."
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
Trump is leaving a rally and heading to his limo
When suddenly a would be assassin jumps from the shadows and takes aim. A secret service agent, brand new on the job, shouts Micky Mouse! This startles the assassin and he is captured in the confusion. Later the agents supervisor takes him aside, congratulates him and says but what in the h**... made you shout 'Micky Mouse?!' Visibly embarrassed the Agent replies I got nervous, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck'
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days
They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".
Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".
Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service
Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.
Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says I used to date that guy before I met you
Bill laughs and laughs and says wow, imagine where you'd be if you would've married that guy!
Hillary looks back at Bill and says I'd be married to the President of the United States
~ Courtesy of my father
I have a friend who works as security at a well-known l**... store.
He prefers to say he's part of the Victoria Secret Service.
