Secret Agent Jokes
52 secret agent jokes and hilarious secret agent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about secret agent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Secret Agent Short Jokes
Short secret agent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The secret agent humour may include short fbi agent jokes also.
- One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said: "Its FOR-BIDEN!"
- Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment... his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".
- I guess my parents were secret agents all along. I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.
- Secret agent, spy, and a man in a trenchcoat enter a bar... ... barman says: "I've got a special message for the 3 of you. Everyone else leave!"
Secret agent and spy leave the bar. - I want to get my real estate license and never ever ever tell anyone... That way I can be a secret agent.
- Secret service agent takes a bullet for the President to avoid being hauled before Congress
- My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.
- Why have we not heard about Secret Service agents being caught with prostitutes lately? uhh, Mr. President, I think you need to head home unexpectedly on a rainy Tuesday afternoon.
- What did the German secret police agent tell his child who didn't want to eat dinner? Ess, ess mein kind.
- Greek mythology joke If The Golden Fleece were a secret agent, how would it get to Thessaly?
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Secret Agent One Liners
Which secret agent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with secret agent? I can suggest the ones about secret service and undercover cop.
- What do you call a secret agent running for the bus? A Russian spy.
- How do you know when a hiptser is a good secret agent? You've never heard of him.
- What kind of insects to secret agents like? (as told by my 9 yr old) Spiders.
- What do you call a secret agent from Ireland? Dublin 07
- I met a pig that's a secret agent. His alias is Mr. Cunning Ham
- What do you get when you cross an orthodontist and a secret agent? It's confi-dental
- What advice did Yoda give to the Soviet secret agent? Cagey be.
- How do secret agents complement a disguise? "Hey James, that disguise is incogNEATo!"
- What do you call a secret agent that owns livestock? Jason Barn
- I hear they are replacing secret agents with robots The FBAI are coming
- Did you hear about the secret agent that broke his back on a tiny bed? He got cot spine.
- How does a Hispanic secret agent introduce himself? Bondo. Jaime Bondo.
- If Idubbbz was a secret agent what would be his code name? Agent Orange.
- What do you call a secret agent who doesn't use deodorant? Agent Double Oder Seven
- How does a secret agent have s**...? He does it undercover!
Secret Agent Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about secret agent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean agent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make secret agent pranks.
Lemon drops
So a man walks into a bar and sees a big tough guy standing next to a glass and some lemons.
"What's with the lemons?" he asks.
"Its a challenge." replied the bartender. "This here is the strongest man in the world. He will squeeze as much juice from half a lemon into the glass as he can, and if you can squeeze out even one more drop, you win free drinks for the rest of the year."
The man watched several other strong looking men try the challenge, and all of them lost miserably.
"I accept" replied the man.
The bartender snorted a bit seeing as the man weighed little over 120 pounds and had very little muscle mass.
The strong man squeezed almost a third of a glass of juice from the lemon and when he was done, handed the lemon to the scrawny man.
He took the lemon and sized it up in his hand, and squeezed almost 5 drops from it.
The strong man reeled and replied "Wow! You are stronger than you look! I went easy on you."
"Fine. " said the skinny man, "Try again if you would like."
So the strong man then spent a food 3 minutes squeezing the lemon more than he had for any of the other men.
Once he was convinced even he could not summon even another drop from the lemon, he handed it to the skinny man.
The man then proceeded to squeeze another 3 drops from the lemon.
"Amazing!" cried the bartender. "I guess you can have free drinks for a year! What is your secret though? How did you do it?"
"I'm an IRS agent" the man replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man, a Muslim and a communist walk into a bar...
accompanied by his Secret Service agents, of course.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
CIA Test gone horribly wrong
Three CIA agents, two male and one female, were called in for a briefing. An agent was needed to go on a top secret mission and that agent could have nothing but absolute loyalty to the goal.
"To test that absolute loyalty," said the director, "we have put your spouses in the other room. Take this gun and shoot your spouse."
The first man went into the room and came out almost immediately. "I can't do it."
The second man went in and there was about 5 minutes of silence and then he too came out. "I can't do it."
The woman took the gun and went into the room. There was a pause. And a shot. Then another and another. Three more rang out. Then there was a loud c**... from the room. The woman emerged pushing back her hair. " The darn gun was full of blanks so I killed him with the chair!"
The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.
The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!"
The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!"
The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family."
Air Force One
Air Force One was carrying the President over the Atlantic Ocean for an international peace conference. One of the Secret Service agents approached the President, "Sir, there's a problem with the septic system. It's too full and it's starting to ice over."
The President replied, "Can't you just flush the system into the atmosphere?"
Secret service agent says, "No sir, I can't do that"
President asks, "Why not?"
Secret service agent, "Sir, I can't initiate an icy BM launch unless you give me the proper authorization codes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a secret agent who screws his best mate's grandmother?
Pierce Brosnan
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best tip to secret agents going to Thailand?
Never t**... anyone.
A secret service agent, nervous on his first day, sees Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump walking through the Whitehouse.
The new agent asks his supervisor, "Wow, is that really the First family?"
The supervisor, unfazed, replies, No, I think this is at least the third for Mr. Trump."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a dumb secret agent?
Blonde, James Blonde.
Special agent Walter is on a top secret mission.
He's supposed to meet a woman and tell her a code word before hands him a briefcase with classified documents. The meeting is arranged in a public place and he's given a photo of the woman.
He heads to the rendezvous point and awaits her. A few minutes later she arrives. He readies himself for the exchange. She walks towards him, stops in front of him and says, "What's the he code word?"
He says, with a smile on his face, "Alpha Q".
The woman says, "No you won't!", and storms off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
President Trump wakes up one winter morning and looks out the Whitehouse window to see the words "Trump s**...!" Written in u**... in the snow.
Outraged, he tasks the Secret Service to find out who is responsible.
Later that day the director of the Secret Service comes into the oval office and asks, "Sir, we have an answer. Do you want the bad news or the worse news?"
"Give me the bad news."
"We got the DNA test back on the u**..., it belongs to the vice president."
"That's the bad news?" Trump exclaims, "what could be worse than that?"
"Well," says the agent, "it was in the First Lady's hand writing."
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."