Seconds Jokes
167 seconds jokes and hilarious seconds puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about seconds that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy a laugh with these quick and easy jokes in just 30 seconds! Get ready to think quickly and giggle with 10 second jokes, half centimeter jokes, and even a minute of jokes. There's something here for everyone to enjoy!
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Funniest Seconds Short Jokes
Short seconds jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The seconds humour may include short minutes jokes also.
- America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona By keeping the first one going
- I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
- I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
- Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
- Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted. For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money. - My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary... I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
- a guy got an interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board - What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
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Seconds One Liners
Which seconds one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with seconds? I can suggest the ones about hours and months.
- {air horn sound} {second air horn sound}
Me: this isn't deodorant - My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
- I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
- Two blondes walk into a bar You'd think the second one would have ducked
- Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds. Poor guy.
- I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died ...and then I heard it a few seconds later
- What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.
- Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!
- What does a clock do when its hungry? It goes back 4 seconds.
- My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues" We'll see about that...
- I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
- Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now
- I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.
- I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds. Poor guy.
- My wife made me stop burning clocks She was worried about all that second hand smoke
10 Seconds Jokes
Here is a list of funny 10 seconds jokes and even better 10 seconds puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Who were the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.
- I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds. I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!
- The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness? 100 metres over 9.58 seconds.
- Who are the worlds fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They blew through 87 stories in 10 seconds
- How many seconds are in 6 weeks? 10!
- On second thoughts, Jared Fogle and Subway are pretty similar. I mean, both stick 38 year old meat into 10 year old buns.
- Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 100 stories in 10 seconds.
- One trucker turned to another... ...And handed him a 10 dollar bill. The second trucker asked "What's the 10 for good buddy?"
- Do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is? I don't know, but do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is?
- What does Microsoft mean when it says "about 10 seconds remaining?" Hold on I'll tell you in 5 minutes.
30 Seconds Jokes
Here is a list of funny 30 seconds jokes and even better 30 seconds puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday. I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.
- I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot af, overpriced and all over me within 30 seconds of getting in the car.
- If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time.. ... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.
- My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
- Who came first? The man or the woman? The man, after about 30 seconds.
- Reddit is like a fridge You close it then open it 30 seconds later
- I was part of a group project With my wife.
I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate. - How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera? Stare at it for 30 seconds
- I like my women like I like my hot tubs So hot I can only stay in them for 30 seconds
- I could always tell who is feeling awkward at a party. It's usually within 30 seconds of talking to them.
Thirty Seconds Jokes
Here is a list of funny thirty seconds jokes and even better thirty seconds puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
- My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up. After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
"thirty-second birthday." - I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute After all, it was her thirty second birthday.
- My brother is turning 32 tomorrow, so I told him not to get his hopes up. When he asked why, I replied:
"Well, it'll be pretty short. It is your thirty-second birthday after all." - I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute.... It's my thirty second birthday...
- What's an occasion they you only celebrate for half a minute? Your thirty-second birthday.
- My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal" Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.
- I told my son his birthday was only half a minute this year He asked what the heck am I talking about. I said, well it's his thirty second birthday...
- How can you tell whether or not someone vapes? Wait thirty seconds.
- The World Trade Center had a Speed-Reading club they went thru fifty stories in thirty seconds
90 Seconds Jokes
Here is a list of funny 90 seconds jokes and even better 90 seconds puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife says I'm a lot like Wordle Not that hard and only fun for 90 seconds.
- My girlfriend thinks Conor Mcgregor and I are the same. Boy did he proved her wrong last night. Lasted way longer than 90 seconds.
- Pete Rose had a 90 second ovation at the all star game. It brought a tear to his eye.... Because he took the over.
- The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I'm confused... ... because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
- Want to Hulu and chill? There's like 90 seconds of ads so you won't miss any of the show.
Cheerful Fun Seconds Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about seconds you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean daytime jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make seconds pranks.
Your mom said she wanted something that could go from zero to two hundred in 3 seconds...
...so I bought her a scale.
I never remember silly things
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.
One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
Really? ,
one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?
Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.
Yes that's it, he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
maternity ward
A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Firetruck game
Boy: Lets play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do you play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say, "red light" when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay :)
*Few seconds later*
Girl: RED LIGHT!!
Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for red lights ;)
The elementary class was learning about addition...
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, "Can you give me a minute?"
"Why? Want to freshen up?" He asked.
"No," I replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."
American scientists made a clocks ...
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
A man goes to his proctologist for an exam...
The doctor tells him to drop his drawers and let him know when he feels his thumb. After a few seconds, the doctor asks the man if he can feel it and the man replies no. A few seconds later, the doctor asks again. This time the man says yes he can feel the doctors thumb. At this point, the doctor leans over and waving both thumbs at the guys face says Surprise!
A man walks into a bar...
... Approaches the bartender and asks for ten shots of his finest Scotch. The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them, one after the other, in under ten seconds.
The bartender says "My god, I've never seen anyone take so many shots so fast!"
To which the man replies "Bartender, if you had what I have you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
"Four bucks."
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
My nickname is Snapchat....
My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman hears a knock a her door...
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered s**... offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."
Tour guide in the mountain
A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."
When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...
Poor little guy drowned in seconds..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say that every time you have s**... it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles
But I think that's b**... because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite
So he went back four seconds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds.
Whoops, sorry. Bear\*
Two kids camping in the backyard
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
100m Dash
A girl says to her friend "The last time I had s**... was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Had s**... for an hour and 30 seconds today
Thankyou daylight savings
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having s**... with you is like playing hide and seek
After the first 60 seconds you yell "ready or not, here I come!"
Gay guys know everything...
A gay guy and a straight guy are in a car and stuck at a stoplight for a very long time. The gay guy looks at the straight guy and says
"I'm going to go, it's going to turn green anyways."
the gay guy goes and it turns green. The straight guy says,
"how'd you do that."
"Gay guys know everything." said the gay guy.
Then the two go to the mall and while they're in the parking lot the gay guy stops the straight guy and says.
"I bet you in about 4 seconds 5 hot girls come around that corner over there."
About 4 seconds later 5 hot girls walk around the corner. The straight guy says,
"how'd you do that?"
the gay guy says yet again.
"Gay guys know everything."
*At this point in the joke you say to the person "Then the two guys go up these things that are a lot like stairs but they move?" Struggle to think about what they are called and hopefully the person you're telling the joke to says "escalator." Then you say*
"Gay guys know everything..."
A genie gives a man three wishes...
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
Hi, I would like to hear a TCP joke.
Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....
I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.
I'm here all day..
A blonde boards a plane to Miami...
A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"
How many seconds are there in one year?
12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
READ THIS OUT LOUD!
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now please go back to the top, read it again, but only the third word in each line. :P
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**..., my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,
for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.
Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.
My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went
Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are talking at work the day after Christmas
It wasn't long before one of them starts bragging. "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 6 seconds!"
"What is it?" The others ask.
"A brand new Mercedes!"
"Ha, but I've bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 3 seconds!" Said one of the others.
"What is it?" The first guy asks.
"A brand new Porsche!"
"You guys are pathetic." Said the third guy. "The present I've bought goes from 0 to 100 in half a second!"
"A scale."
Hillary and Trump tie in the election...
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
I once ate a watch
It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...
... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
What does a time traveler do when he's hungry?
He goes back 4 seconds.
Three Drunks Get into a Taxi
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
The difference between your boyfriend and Ronda Rousey is...
Ronda actually gets paid to disappoint people for 48 seconds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who are the best readers in the world?
s**... jumpers : hundreds of stories in a few seconds
I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.
I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.
I wondered for a second, then I remembered,
"Beggars can't be choosers"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Would you believe me if I told you it takes 60 seconds to make a lollipop?
There's a s**... born every minute.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims because they went through 104 stories in just a few seconds
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.
Our son commented, "The rain is wet."
My friend laughed and said, "Wow, talk about stating the obvious!"
"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets it from me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...
the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."
A wife's birthday was the next
day and she said to her husband, "Honey, for my birthday I want something that goes from 0-230 in 6 seconds to be in our driveway."
"I'll see what I can do" replied the husband suggestively.
The next morning she ran outside and found a scale in the driveway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really s**...
Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.
Someone is shot every 15 seconds in the US.
How is that person still alive?
A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.
But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
What goes from 0 to 59 in less than a minute ?
Seconds
2 spies in an interrogation room
The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.
Spy A says to the other
"Whatever you do, dont say a word"
A few seconds later Spy B said
"Fdugyop"
The Spy A looked at Spy B and said
"what did just say?"
Spy B replied
"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"
Two hunters are walking through a wooded farmland...
when they come across a giant hole they can't seem to find the bottom of. They wanna know how deep it is, so they see a rusted anvil close by, drag it over, and throw it down the hole. Seconds pass, and they never hear it hit the bottom.
A few seconds later, a goat comes sprinting by, and jumps right into the hole. The farmer comes walking by and asks the hunters "fellas, have you guys seen my goat around here?"
The hunters reply "well he just came running at us 80 mph and jumped down into that hole there!"
The farmer says "well that can't be! He was chained to an anvil!"
Mother, mother, ...
... how come other children need hours to solve Rubik's cube but I do it in just a few seconds?
- Well, sweetie, it's because you're color blind.
What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?
A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.
I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.
I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds.
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men think about s**... every 7 seconds...
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.
Two men walk up to a hole
One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.
After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.
Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if they saw his goat. The first man says that it just jumped in the hole. Then the farmer said "Impossible! I tied him to my anvil!"
I caught the flu in Madrid.
While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say that s**... is the best form of exercise
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
How many seconds in a year joke
a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in
