Seconds Jokes
172 seconds jokes and hilarious seconds puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about seconds that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy a laugh with these quick and easy jokes in just 30 seconds! Get ready to think quickly and giggle with 10 second jokes, half centimeter jokes, and even a minute of jokes. There's something here for everyone to enjoy!
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Funniest Seconds Short Jokes
Short seconds jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The seconds humour may include short minutes jokes also.
- America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona By keeping the first one going
- Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
- I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
- I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
- Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
- Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted. For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- My priest is surprisingly homophobic... ...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
- Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money. - My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary... I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
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Seconds One Liners
Which seconds one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with seconds? I can suggest the ones about hours and times.
- {air horn sound} {second air horn sound}
Me: this isn't deodorant - My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
- I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
- Two blondes walk into a bar You'd think the second one would have ducked
- Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds. Poor guy.
- I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died ...and then I heard it a few seconds later
- What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.
- Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!
- What does a clock do when its hungry? It goes back 4 seconds.
- Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. We need to stop this woman.
- My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues" We'll see about that...
- I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
- Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now
- A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds. Whoops, sorry. Bear\*
- I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.
10 Seconds Jokes
Here is a list of funny 10 seconds jokes and even better 10 seconds puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Who were the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.
- Which type of people are the world's fastest readers [DARK HUMOUR] 9/11 victims. They went through more than 50 stories in 10 seconds.
- I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds. I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!
- The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness? 100 metres over 9.58 seconds.
- If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug... Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.
- Why are 9/11 victims great readers? They can go through 90 stories in 10 seconds
- Who are the worlds fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They blew through 87 stories in 10 seconds
- Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9-11 Victims because they went through 81 stories in 10 seconds
- How many seconds are in 6 weeks? 10!
- I found a way to stop lasting only 10 seconds in bed! I just told her to stop counting.
30 Seconds Jokes
Here is a list of funny 30 seconds jokes and even better 30 seconds puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday. I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.
- I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot af, overpriced and all over me within 30 seconds of getting in the car.
- If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time.. ... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.
- My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
- Who came first? The man or the woman? The man, after about 30 seconds.
- I had a fish that could break dance on the floor... But only for like 30 seconds...and only once.
- Reddit is like a fridge You close it then open it 30 seconds later
- I was part of a group project With my wife.
I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate. - Fun fact: Did you know that a shoal of piranhas can devour a small child in 30 seconds? Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today. :/
- How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera? Stare at it for 30 seconds
Thirty Seconds Jokes
Here is a list of funny thirty seconds jokes and even better thirty seconds puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
- My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up. After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
"thirty-second birthday." - I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute After all, it was her thirty second birthday.
- My brother is turning 32 tomorrow, so I told him not to get his hopes up. When he asked why, I replied:
"Well, it'll be pretty short. It is your thirty-second birthday after all." - I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute.... It's my thirty second birthday...
- What's an occasion they you only celebrate for half a minute? Your thirty-second birthday.
- Today I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute! I guess you could say it's my thirty-second birthday.
- My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal" Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.
- My wife's is going to turn 32 soon... I told her not to get too excited for the celebrations... After all, it's going to be a thirty-second birthday.
- I told my son his birthday was only half a minute this year He asked what the heck am I talking about. I said, well it's his thirty second birthday...
90 Seconds Jokes
Here is a list of funny 90 seconds jokes and even better 90 seconds puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 9/11 victims are the fastest readers They went through 90 stories in 10 seconds.
- My wife says I'm a lot like Wordle Not that hard and only fun for 90 seconds.
- My girlfriend thinks Conor Mcgregor and I are the same. Boy did he proved her wrong last night. Lasted way longer than 90 seconds.
- Pete Rose had a 90 second ovation at the all star game. It brought a tear to his eye.... Because he took the over.
- Why are 9/11 victims such good readers? They can go through 90 stories in under 10 seconds!
- The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I'm confused... ... because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
- Want to Hulu and chill? There's like 90 seconds of ads so you won't miss any of the show.
- My s**... life (Dirty) My s**... life is like the Kentucky Derby, four hours of foreplay, and only 90 seconds of real action
Cheerful Fun Seconds Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about seconds you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean weeks jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make seconds pranks.
I never remember silly things
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.
One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
Really? ,
one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?
Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.
Yes that's it, he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?
p**... the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...
... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."
The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, p**..., your fish looks fine."
p**... then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
What happened to the clock that was still hungry?
It went back 4 seconds.
Firetruck game
Boy: Lets play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do you play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say, "red light" when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay :)
*Few seconds later*
Girl: RED LIGHT!!
Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for red lights ;)
The elementary class was learning about addition...
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
American scientists made a clocks ...
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
Little Johnny
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're s**..., Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.
An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.
The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
My nickname is Snapchat....
My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.
A husband was in big trouble...
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
f**... arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
A woman hears a knock a her door...
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered s**... offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."
A hispanic magician was performing a magic trick
The magician said that he could make himself disappear within 3 seconds! So, he waves his cape in front of his face and says "uno, dos!" and just like that, he disappeared without a tres!
When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...
Poor little guy drowned in seconds..
They say that every time you have s**... it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles
But I think that's b**... because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite
So he went back four seconds.
A spanish magician ...
A spanish magician gets on stage and says "I will disappear in 3 seconds." He counts: "Uno, Dos." And he disappeared without a tres.
Two kids camping in the backyard
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
100m Dash
A girl says to her friend "The last time I had s**... was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."
Had s**... for an hour and 30 seconds today
Thankyou daylight savings
They say the average man thinks about s**... every 6 seconds
That's why I try to eat hotdogs in 5
Your momma's so fat...
she doesn't go back for seconds, she goes back for hours.
The moist finger
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.
And I thought to myself..... "I really need a new freakin' boat."
Having s**... with you is like playing hide and seek
After the first 60 seconds you yell "ready or not, here I come!"
A genie gives a man three wishes...
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....
I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.
I'm here all day..
How many seconds are there in one year?
12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
Girl: "My first time having s**... was a lot like the 100 metre dash..."
Boy: "What, over in ten seconds?"
Girl: "No, eight black men and a gun."
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
Three priests walk into a bar
and see a man whos already had a few drinks. The man walks up to them and says "you know I'm jesus christ". One of the priests replies "I don't think you are son" so the man says right, I'll prove it to you. He walks out of the bar and a few seconds later comes stumbling back in. The barman sees him and shout "jesus christ not you again"
After s**..., my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,
for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went
Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute
I once ate a watch
It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.
My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...
...so I bought her a bathroom scale.
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...
... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
What does a time traveler do when he's hungry?
He goes back 4 seconds.
Who are the fastest readers ?
9/11 victims, they went through 64 stories in just 8 seconds
The difference between your boyfriend and Ronda Rousey is...
Ronda actually gets paid to disappoint people for 48 seconds.
Who are the best readers in the world?
s**... jumpers : hundreds of stories in a few seconds
I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.
I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.
I wondered for a second, then I remembered,
"Beggars can't be choosers"
Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.
I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims because they went through 104 stories in just a few seconds
Is Google a boy or a girl ?
Google is a Girl because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and starts guessing, suggesting and
you ask only one question,
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...
I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...
the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."
A wife's birthday was the next
day and she said to her husband, "Honey, for my birthday I want something that goes from 0-230 in 6 seconds to be in our driveway."
"I'll see what I can do" replied the husband suggestively.
The next morning she ran outside and found a scale in the driveway.
My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.
So I got her a bathroom scale.
The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really s**...
Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.
A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.
But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
A girl I know said the last time she had s**..., it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said,
"Eight black men and a gun."
A Mexican magician came up to me and said "I can disappear in 3 seconds"
"uno"
"dos"
...
he disappeared without a tres.
What did the hungry clock do?
It went back four seconds.
My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds
I gave her a scale.
Mother, mother, ...
... how come other children need hours to solve Rubik's cube but I do it in just a few seconds?
- Well, sweetie, it's because you're color blind.
What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?
A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.
I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.
I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds.
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?
Men think about s**... every 7 seconds...
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.
I caught the flu in Madrid.
While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
They say that s**... is the best form of exercise
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
Apparently, men think about s**... every seven seconds...
I make sure I e**... hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
How many seconds in a year joke
a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in
