Cheerful Fun Seconds Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.
An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.
The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
My nickname is Snapchat....
My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.
They say that every time you have s**... it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles
But I think that's b**... because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite
So he went back four seconds.
A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds.
Whoops, sorry. Bear\*
Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?
They can go through 94 stories in seconds!
100m Dash
A girl says to her friend "The last time I had s**... was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."
Had s**... for an hour and 30 seconds today
Thankyou daylight savings
You can explore seconds minute reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean seconds milliseconds dad jokes. There are also seconds puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The moist finger
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.
And I thought to myself..... "I really need a new freakin' boat."
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby.
We need to stop this woman.
Having s**... with you is like playing hide and seek
After the first 60 seconds you yell "ready or not, here I come!"
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....
I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.
I'm here all day..
Who were the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,
but only for like 20 seconds...
Three priests walk into a bar
and see a man whos already had a few drinks. The man walks up to them and says "you know I'm jesus christ". One of the priests replies "I don't think you are son" so the man says right, I'll prove it to you. He walks out of the bar and a few seconds later comes stumbling back in. The barman sees him and shout "jesus christ not you again"
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...
...so I bought her a bathroom scale.
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...
... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds.
Poor guy.
Who are the fastest readers ?
9/11 victims, they went through 64 stories in just 8 seconds
Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.
I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims because they went through 104 stories in just a few seconds
I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.
I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!
I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...
the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."
Which type of people are the world's fastest readers [DARK HUMOUR]
9/11 victims. They went through more than 50 stories in 10 seconds.
My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.
So I got her a bathroom scale.
The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really s**...
Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.
A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.
But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
What does a clock do when its hungry?
It goes back 4 seconds.
A girl I know said the last time she had s**..., it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said,
"Eight black men and a gun."
What did the hungry clock do?
It went back four seconds.
My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...
I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?
A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.
I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.
I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds.
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?
Men think about s**... every 7 seconds...
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
How many seconds in a year joke
a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in
What's the difference between necrophilia, and choke f**...'s?
Eh, about 15 seconds.
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds
I know it's only three words, but it's a start.
I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died
...and then I heard it a few seconds later
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the o**... turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.
A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies
In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you £20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.
20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets £20 to give.
Her boyfriend said "I can't take this, I have seen the movie before."
She replies, "So have I but I didn't think lightning would strike twice in the same place!"
A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a n**... woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her. The engineer replied, So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes.
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed
But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds.
Poor guy.
They say that during s**... you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the h**... runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."
I got her a weighing scale.
I found a used football in a second hand store...
I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy, why are they doing this to him?
My son asked me, "Where does p**... come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds then said...
"And Tigger?"
I met a girl at a club the other night who said she'd show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...
She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.
How many Seconds are in a year?
12!
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
Chuck Norris set the record for most amount of records broken; All of them.
The Guinness Book is actually for all of the 2nd-placers, otherwise it would be a book the size of a post-it note with one page in it that says 'Chuck Norris'.
They say he once did a **minute** in only 41.25 seconds.
My wife asked me how I manage to always eat so quickly...
It's because I always take seconds.
A cheap man dropped a penny from the fifth floor
When he came down to pick it up he couldn't find it and was about to go crazy.
5 seconds later the penny reached the ground.
When a clock is hungry...
It goes back four seconds.
A genie says to an alcoholic drifter, "You have three wishes, what would you like for your first wish"?
Drifter: I would like a bottle of whiskey that is never empty
In a flash, the drifter is holding a bottle of whiskey.
He takes a few gulps from the bottle, and in a few seconds, the bottle is full again.
Genie: What would you like for your other two wishes?
Drifter: I'll have two more of these bottles please.
I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.
I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.
Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.
Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.
The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad language I've been using."
Dave was very surprised by the sudden transformation of his foul-mouthed bird.
Then the parrot said, By the way, what did the chicken do?
Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?
Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!
