Second Marriage Jokes

27 second marriage jokes and hilarious second marriage puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about second marriage that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Second Marriage Short Jokes

Short second marriage jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The second marriage humour may include short new marriage jokes also.

  1. Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.
  2. What are the three rings of marriage? The first one is the engagement ring...the second one is the wedding ring...and the third one is the suffering.
  3. Tiger Woods... ...just had the worst 9 holes in his life, well second worst if you consider the 9 holes that lost him his marriage but still...
  4. A marriage is a lot like an execution. A whole lot of fuss for something that just takes a second.
  5. Marriage involves 3 rings. The first is the engagement ring.
    The second is the wedding ring.
    The last one? The suffering
  6. A Recent Study Found That... ...Christian women tend to become atheists after marriage. I don't find that surprising. After marriage, a woman does lose faith in a man's ability to come a second time.
  7. What do a marriage and superglue have in common? They both form a bond in seconds, last (ideally) forever, and are dissolved by alcohol.
  8. Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.

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Second Marriage One Liners

Which second marriage one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with second marriage? I can suggest the ones about wife remarried and married life.

  1. I've been in two unhappy marriages... My first wife left me, and my second wife won't ;)

Unearthly Funniest Second Marriage Jokes to Tickle Your Sides

What funny jokes about second marriage you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad marriage jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make second marriage pranks.

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.

Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.
Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.
Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

Marriage joke

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

The First 3 Years of Marriage.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Husband on second day of marriage...

...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.
She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said
' same feeling '

A guy goes golfing with a pal on Saturday morning.

When they're on the eighth hole, they see a f**... procession pass the golf course, at which point the guy stops, lowers his head for a few seconds, and then heads to the tee.
Whereupon his friend says, "That's so respectful. Here we are playing golf and you take a moment to pay your respects."
To which the guy responds, "Well, we had a great marriage."

Two Southern Baptist ministers are having lunch

And as they often do, they start ranting about the immorality found in society. One of them starts ranting about pre-marital s**.... "It's a sin, I tell you, all of these young kids having relations outside the holy covenant of marriage. Well, I can tell you one thing, I didn't have s**... with my wife before we were married - how about you?"
The other minister thinks for a second and says "I don't think so - what was her maiden name?"

An IT technician and his wife go to marriage counseling The IT technician's wife frustratedly explains to the counselor

"Everything would be fine... but my husband just doesn't want to have s**... with me!"
The counselor thinks for a second, then wonders:
"Have you tried turning him off and on again?"

Indian wedding

My girlfriend had to go to a wedding. I asked her whose wedding, and she told me that her friend, who is Indian, parents got divorced and now her dad is getting married for the second time. So asked her "Is it a rearranged marriage?"

10 Years Marriage

Men: Honey, what would you like to have for our anniversary?
Women: My gift should be able to go from 0 to 100 in no more than 3 seconds!
The men went out for some hours and came back with a scale.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

Marriage or Death

At my second wedding my buddy was giving a speech. He started by telling me he had some bad news - 50% of marriages end in divorce. That's not the worst part though - the other half end in death. So I started thinking, my first one ended in divorce, so the odds are in my favor. I wondered about the math, so I started doing the equation and it turns out I'd rather be single than dead.
- I'm writing a set, notes and critiques are more than welcome

Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain o**.

.. said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced."
The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces."
The first man replies, "No, I just got married".

Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.

The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

A man and a woman get married

After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.
As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.
The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, people praise the Lord, and she lives another twenty years.
As they're carrying the casket through the church for the second time twenty years later, the husband murmurs to the other pall bearers, "Careful, watch out for that corner..."

Four women were chatting in the locker room (n**...)

When one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male m**...: jerking off, w**..., spanking the monkey, and so on... there weren't any common terms for female m**....
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the second.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."