Second Degree Jokes
17 second degree jokes and hilarious second degree puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about second degree that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Second Degree Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good second degree joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
joke
Two friends were walking by when they saw a poster with a joke on it. It said "Are you cold at the moment? Come to the corner, it's 90 degrees."
"Wow," said the first friend. "That's acute joke."
"Eh, not really." said the second friend. "Actually it's all right."
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I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court
Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree m**...
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d**.... My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dûr, I went back and got my Masters there...
I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.
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What do you call a serial killer who kills 2 people in one year, 4 the next, and 16 the year after?
A second degree m**....
Why did Bobby Shmurda go to jail?
He was convicted with second degree shmurder
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Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a s**..., second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
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A Canadian was on trial for second-degree m**....
He was acquitted, but he apologized anyway.
That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A doctor who was proud of his degrees...
always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.
One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the emergency room.
He came to as they got him to the emergency room, and that's when the nurse on staff told him "it appears you have suffered from first, second, and third degree burns."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind cowboy walks into a bar...
...and after ordering his drink, asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, "Well, I don't mind sir, but I must warn you that there are three rather dangerous blondes in this bar tonight.
The first one over by the pool table just got released from prison for 2nd degree m**.... The second in the corner there is the leader of the local gang. And the last one sitting just next to you is a professional boxer.
So I must ask, are you really sure you want to tell this blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a moment, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, I don't wanna have to explain it three times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Change your course
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: Change your course 10 degree east.
The light signals back: Change yours, 10 degrees west.
Angry, the captain sends: I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!
I'm a s**..., second class, comes the reply. Change your course, sir.
Now the captain is furious. I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!
There is one last reply. I'm a lighthouse. Your call.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The captain of a battleship sees a light in the heavy fog...
The captain called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
Back came a signal, "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
The captain said, "Send, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees."
"I'm a s**... second class," came the reply. "You had better change course 20 degrees."
By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, "Send, I'm a battleship. Change course 20 degrees."
Back came the flashing light, "I'm a lighthouse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl brings her fiance home to meet her father..
... and the father asks him, "so what are your plans in life." The suitor responds, "well, I'm interested in pursuing a degree in theology." The father then asks, "well, what do you plan to do for a living with only a theology degree?" The suitor, without a missed beat responds with "well, god will provide." The father then asks, "where will you two live?!" Again, the suitor responds with, "god will surely provide." Finally the father asks him, "have you made any long term plans at all?" He replies, "no, but as I've stated, I'm sure god will provide." The dinner eventually concludes, and both the daughter and the suitor leave her parents house. When a moment of quiet catches the mother, she softly asks her husband what he thought of the suitor. He pauses for a second, and replies -- "well, he's broke, and fairly s**..., but on the other hand he thinks I'm god."
The US Navy
Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bending with one hand..
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
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Second Degree One Liners
Which second degree one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with second degree? I can suggest the ones about 2nd grade and degree.
- Why did Bobby Shmurda go to jail? He was convicted with second degree shmurder