Seats Jokes
106 seats jokes and hilarious seats puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about seats that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Can't get a front row seat? Check out these hilarious jokes about sitting in the nosebleed seats! Read about experiences in a theatre in Dallas and laugh at the jokes and stories related to sitting in the back row seats.
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Funniest Seats Short Jokes
Short seats jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The seats humour may include short seating jokes also.
- When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat Is a warm toilet seat
- Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus, That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
- My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says Welcome! Come in and make a seat.
- The First Rule of Fight Club... ... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on. - I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
- Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.
- Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person. I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.
- An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.
- What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheel, wooden seats, and a wooden engine? It wooden go.
- I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
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Seats One Liners
Which seats one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with seats? I can suggest the ones about seated and passenger seat.
- The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called.... fast 10 Your Seat Belt.
- I've always stood up for black people... It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat
- I just booked some cheap seats from United. They were in the nosebleed section.
- I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus. I lost my job.
- How did the love seat get pregnant? Because the couch didn't pull out.
- Why did Paul Walker cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing a seat belt.
- What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz? Plenty of seats on the train ride home.
- My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in the back seat of my car so... I had to pop the trunk.
- Wearing a seat belt Men: /
Women: % - Why does Yoda have the best seat on the Jedi Council? He gets a seat next to a Windu.
- Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight? I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.
- What's the best thing to do when someone close to you dies? Move seats.
- What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
- Why are stadiums so cool? Because every seat has a fan on it
- Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station! Authorities have nothing to go on.
Empty Seats Jokes
Here is a list of funny empty seats jokes and even better empty seats puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Bus conductor : The older one should sit here
Both looked at each other
And the seat remained empty :p - Mixed emotions: watching a bus full of lawyers plunge off a cliff... ... with five empty seats.
- What's an empty old suit of armor doing in a driver seat of an empty car? Maybe he went out for the knight.
- I don't believe in Bigfoot Because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my school recitals and always saw that one empty seat.
- Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.
The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats. - Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Nosebleed Seats Jokes
Here is a list of funny nosebleed seats jokes and even better nosebleed seats puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does United Airlines and The United Center have in common? The cheap seat are nosebleed seats.
Hilarious Seats Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about seats you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sits jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make seats pranks.
What's the worst part about seeing 4 black people go off a cliff in a Cadillac?
Cadillac seats 5.
Pilot Choice
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
What do you call a gay bar with no seats?
A fruit stand!
Just after the apartheid ...
A bus company's owner explain to his drivers that if they find it difficult to see people as equal they just have to consider there are no more black and white people, only blue.
So, this driver explained it to its passengers :
"Ok guys, you're not black or white anymore. Only blue. So light blue get the front seats, dark blue the rear."
In a theater
A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.
The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move.
Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats!
The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.
Football with a blonde girlfriend
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
An American, an Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German go to see a seminar
They show up late, and can only find seats in the back row. When the presenter notices them come in and take seats in the very back, he shouts to them, "Can you guys see me back there?"
They answered back in order, "Yes" "Oui" "Ken" "Si" "Ja"
I was at the football game the other day...
It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the f**...!".
Why do elephants hate flying?
The seats are too small.
Literary position.
Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."
Where ya from Sam?
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?
The turn signals.
A group of nuns are biking one day...
and every bump they hit they all giggle. Finally the head nun turns around and yells, "Ladies, if you don't stop that laughing we're going to have to put the seats back on!"
Toilet seats can give you STD's...
...If you sit down before the person stands up
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A priest walks into a movie theater
...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"
The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."
Jesus take the wheel
Carlos take the stereo, Manuel get the seats and I'll be the Juan on watch.
Johnny was in class one day...
and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have s**... with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."
Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.
The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.
New study shows you can get h**.../AIDS from toilet seats in public restrooms
By sitting down before the other guy gets up
TIFU by spraying water on a t**... model
Now all the seats are wet
A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris
And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.
"So, what are you doing in Paris?"
"I'm a scientist, I research s**..."
The man is now tempted:
"What have you discovered about s**... in your research?"
"I came to find that Native Americans have the longest p**... and Spanish can last the longest in bed. By the way, I'm Carol, what's your name?"
"I'm Sitting Bull Hernandez, nice to meet you"
Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day
And it's even better if the uber has heated seats
Super bowl tickets
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.
So my cousin s**... up bigtime
My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912?
Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats.
A w**... Joke
What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car
With Wooden Seats
Wooden Tires
And A Wooden Engine?
It Wooden't Start
An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater
"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"
The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.
"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"
Another faint mumble.
Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"
"The balcony"
Trump proposed new regulations for the airline industry...
Because even h**... didn't remove passengers with reserved seats.
I went to a restaurant.
Every table was occupied with couples,
there was no seat vacant.
I took out my phone and said loudly
"Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."
9 girls left their seats for me.
If nationalists got 100% of the seats in the Parliament...
...it would be all-right.
Customer compliants
A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a c**... company. These are customer complaints."
Girlfriends are like subway seats...
You don't know how many homeless guys were in them before you came along.
A senior citizen is sitting at a bar..
A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"
Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?
It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 Super bowl.
Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher's Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.
So a snail walks into a car dealership..
He goes up to the dealer and he says, "Alright, I want it cherry red, with white-walls, and leather seats, and I want a *big* 'S' painted on the the side." After he rings it the dealer looks at him and he says "I understand white-walls and leather seats, but why the letter 'S' on the side? "Well" the snail says "When I drive by in my new car, I want people to say 'look at that S car go!'
A man walks onto a bus and sits next to a woman.
Another woman gets on board and had nowhere to sit, so the seated woman said to the man, "If you were a gentleman, you'd stand up and give the lady your seat."
The man replies, "If you were a lady, you'd stand up and give 5 people your seats."
Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.
The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.
Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
I friend of mine has two tickets to the Super Bowl.
They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accomodation. He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that it was the same date as his wedding - so now he can't go.
So if you're interested and want to go instead of him. It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.
I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.
BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.
Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch
There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.
I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
A man made a car.
Unlike other cars, the entire thing was made of wood. The wheels, the steering wheel, the seats, etc.
One day, he decided to try it out. But for some reason,
it wooden work.
Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.
Currently the police have nothing to go on
"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."
"And, cushions would have r**... the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."
Just came up with this, as far as I know
A man walks into a gastroenterologist's office and stops to stand just at the edge of the seating area. The receptionist waits for him to approach but he fidgets uncomfortably, staring at the wooden seats between himself and the counter. Sir, why don't you come over here so we can get you checked in? says the receptionist.
That's why I'm here, he says, I have difficulty passing stools.
Do you ever wonder why they call it heated seats?
Because rear defroster was already taken.
A man boards a plane with six kids
After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No, I work for a c**... company, these are customer complaints."
A limo driver is driving Gorbachev to a very important building
The limo driver suddenly passes out, Gorbachev decides to put the unconscious man in the back seats and drive instead
Once he reaches the gate, two security guards start whispering to each other
Guard 1: "Uh, who is the person in the back?"
Guard 2: "I don't know, but he must be very important, since Gorbachev is his driver"
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, Are all of those kids yours? He replied, No, I work for a c**... company. These are customer complaints.
poor teacher
A teacher was teaching a class, when the students started creating chaos.
The teacher shouted "Whoever is standing will be declared as s**..."
Everyone went back to their seats except for one.
"So you admit you're s**...?" said the teacher,
"No, but i didnt want you to be alone"
At the airport check-in counter
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.
The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"
A gastroenterologist walks into a bar, grabs one of the bar seats, examines it, picks it up & starts walking out.
The bartender yells at him, hey what do you think you're doing?!
He smiles and says just taking a stool sample!
Somebody stole all the toilet seats from the police precinct.
The cops are working on a lead, but they've got nothing to go on.
A group of aeronautics professors walked onto a plane...
They all settled down into their seats when there was an announcement."We have decided to waive your fee since you were responsible for educating our engineer staff on how to construct this fine plane!"
All the professors run out of the plane immediately except one.
When a stewardess asked her why she didn't run out, she responded "If it's made by a student of mine, it will not start!"
A 37 stone (518 pound) man was forced to pay for two seats on a jet,
only to discover that they were two rows apart!
Anyone available??
I'M ASKING FOR A FRIEND............... A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
Two tickets to the super bowl
A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tix, 40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Prob bc of the extra game this year.
If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place... Try to be on time. It's at Calvary church in Santa Monica at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress.
Buddy bought Superbowl tickets
A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tickets, 40 yard line box seats 20 rows up. He paid $4,500 each but he didn't realize when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Probably because of the extra game this year.
If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place...It's at Calvary church in San Clemente at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, very flexible and a decent cook too.
She'll be in the white dress.
Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Super Bowl tickets!
Last minute I realize but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Inglewood, CA at SOFI stadium Tomorrow.
They are box seats that he spent $8,500 a piece for which includes a ride from the airport, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them that this is the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at St. Paul's church at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley and she is 5'5 and about a 110 pounds. She is a good cook and enjoys the outdoors.
Control system theory joke
As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.
Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the other passengers to try to see out the window. Because of the sudden shift in weight, the pilot lost control, and the plane crashed, killing everyone aboard.
The official report said that the accident was due to instability caused by poles in the right half plane.
Asking for a friend ............... A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl.
They are 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
A mathematician, an accountant and a sound engineer walk into a restaurant, how many seats at the table do they need?
3, they all count
My Spanish wife always warned me about driving with her desserts between the front seats, but I never listened
Then one day the shift hit the flan
A buddy of mine has two Super Bowl tickets.
40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them it was going to be on the same day as his wedding - probably because of the extra game this year. If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place...It's at Sacred Heart Catholic church in Los Angeles at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress.
Did you hear about the man who carved a wooden car, with wooden seats and wooden wheels, and a wooden engine?
It wooden go.
A cat was sat next to me on the airplane
I was on an airplane and noticed a cat sat two seats over from me with a balaclava on, all of a sudden he gets up, walks to the cockpit, pulls a knife and puts it to the pilot's t**....
pilot says "what the h**...'s going on?"
cat replies "take me to the canaries"
What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show
"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"
So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.
Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.
The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."
A group of engineering teachers walk onto a plane..
..the teachers were on their way to an engineering confrence. The pilot came on the intercom and welcomed the teachers on board. He then said, "Teachers, we have word that your students completed all the math and physics that went into building this plane."
In a hurry, all the teachers rushed out of their seats and got off the plane. One teacher remained. When they asked him why he didn't rush off the plane with the others, he simply said, "If I know my students, this plane isn't going nowhere."
Super Bowl tickets
Short notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl. They are box seats that he spent $5,700 a piece for which includes transportation to and from the stadium, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them that this is the same day as his wedding.
If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at St. Paul's Church on North Avenue at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley and she is 5'5 and about 110 pounds. She is a good cook and enjoys the outdoors.
My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood
It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.
