Seats Jokes

Following is our collection of theatre humor and halts one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Seats puns for adults, dirty auditorium jokes or clean bleachers gags for kids.

There is an abundance of backseat jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 74 funniest jokes on seats. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any amarillo witze you can hear about seats.

The Best jokes about Seats

What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine?

It wooden go.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

I just booked some cheap seats from United.

They were in the nosebleed section.

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.


Jesus take the wheel

Carlos take the stereo, Manuel get the seats and I'll be the Juan on watch.

I went to a restaurant.

Every table was occupied with couples,
there was no seat vacant.
I took out my phone and said loudly
"Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."

9 girls left their seats for me.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day

And it's even better if the uber has heated seats

What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz?

Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.


Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."

"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

A senior citizen is sitting at a bar..

A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car


With Wooden Seats


Wooden Tires


And A Wooden Engine?


It Wooden't Start

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

An American, an Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German go to see a seminar

They show up late, and can only find seats in the back row. When the presenter notices them come in and take seats in the very back, he shouts to them, "Can you guys see me back there?"

They answered back in order, "Yes" "Oui" "Ken" "Si" "Ja"

Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight?

I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.

What's the best thing to do when someone close to you dies?

Move seats.

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."


I was at the football game the other day...

It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me

I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.

"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.

I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.

"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.

The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".

A priest walks into a movie theater

...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"

The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."

I friend of mine has two tickets to the Super Bowl.

They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accomodation. He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that it was the same date as his wedding - so now he can't go.

So if you're interested and want to go instead of him. It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.

Where ya from Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

Super bowl tickets

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

Β 

Β 

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."


*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

So my cousin screwed up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

In a theater

A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.

The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move.

Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats!

The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.

A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native Americans have the longest penises and Spanish can last the longest in bed. By the way, I'm Carol, what's your name?"

"I'm Sitting Bull Hernandez, nice to meet you"

Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station!

Authorities have nothing to go on.

A drunken cowboy...

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat.
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, all right buddy what's your name?
Fred, the cowboy moaned.
Where ya from, Fred? asked the Ranger..
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, the balcony…

Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"Β 

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie.

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie. A few minutes into the movie, he asked her, "Can you see OK there?"

"Yes," she answered, "I can see fine, thanks."

A few seconds later, he asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"

"Yes," she replied, "it's very comfortable, thanks"

"You're not in any draught, are you?"

"No," she said, impressed by his attentiveness, "I can't feel a draught at all."

"Good," he said.

"Let's swap seats."

Ticket, Please! [Clean]

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress What can a guy get for a dime? Not much, how about a glass of water? says the waitress. Sure, that will do. The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. Are you going to eat that chili? Nope, it's yours if you want it says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says Yep, same thing happened to me.

Customer compliants

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912?

Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats.

NFC Championship game

A guy goes to the NFC championship game. He's got great seats, right on the 50 yard line. He looks over and there is an old man sitting next to an empty seat. So he asks, Do you know who this seat belongs to?

The old man says yes, my wife and I have been coming to these games for 40 years. That used to be her seat before she passed away.

Oh, sorry for your loss. Why leave it empty? Why not bring a friend or family member?

I would have he says, but they are all at her funeral.

Engineering professors and their students.....

A group of engineering professors boarded a plane to a conference.
After they are all seated, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic.
When they notice one weird looking professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?"
He answers "I know my students well. If they really did build this plane, I can say with 100% certainty that it will never even start."

A young woman gets on a bus and notices that all of the seats have been taken.

So she asks the closest gentleman Could I have your seat? I'm pregnant. The man was taken aback and immediately says Of course. I didn't even notice. Please take it, it's no problem. He gets up, and relinquishes the seat over to the woman. He leans on the post opposite her and takes a closer look at the woman. He sees her stomach is flat, and curiously asks Excuse me Miss, but how far along are you? The woman responds It's been 30 minutes now, but I'm already so tired. Thanks for the seat, it was hard work.

Bob, his wife, and nine kids are waiting at a bus stop

A man with glasses and a cane walks over, and asks if this is the bus stop. Bob says yes. A few minutes later, the bus arrives.
Since there are only 10 seats, Bob and the blind man are forced to walk. While they are walking, Bob notices a knocking noise coming whenever the blind man slams his cane down.
Bob suggests to the man, Why don't you try putting rubber on the end of your stick? The man replies, If you had put rubber on YOUR stick, we wouldn't be walking!

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater

"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"

The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.

"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"

Another faint mumble.

Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"

"The balcony"

A group of engineering teachers get on a plane...

After everyone settle to their seats, the captain starts speaking:

"Hello everyone, this is the captain speaking. I want you to all know that this plane was built by your students!".

After hearing this, all the teachers started running off the plane and refused to fly, except one. The last teacher staying comfortable in his seat was asked why was he so calm, to which he replies:

"I have full confidence in my students, if they really built this plane, then I'm sure the captain won't even manage to start it up."

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 Super bowl.

Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.Β  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher's Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

Homophonic names

A Jew & a Chinese man are traveling on a train together. After a while, the Jew stands up, and gives the Chinese guy a tremendous slap.

"What are you doing?" says the stricken Chinese.

"That's for Pearl-Harbour" says the Jew.

"But I am Chinese! The Japanese were responsible for that!" says the Chinese.

"Japanese, Chinese--all the same."

They resume their seats. A while passes.

Then the Chinese gets up, and kicks mightily the Jew.

"Hey! what's going on?"

"That's for the Titanic!" says the Chinese.

"But the Titanic was hit by an Iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Weissberg--All the same."

Two blind pilots

Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...

Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their seats. The pilots went into the cockpit and shut the door behind them. The engines started up, and everything seemed to be going as planned, so the passengers went back to their magazines and forgot about the two blind pilots in the cockpit.

As the plane roared down the runway getting closer and closer to the water at the end, the passengers quickly became worried and started to scream and yell out. With that, the plane lifted smoothly off the ground and into the air. The passengers again went back to their magazines and in the cockpit, the pilot says to the co-pilot: "One day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"

Toilet seats can give you STD's...

...If you sit down before the person stands up

It's 1/4 funny πŸ˜„

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a super bowl game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench.
After the game he asked her how she liked it.
Oh, I really liked it, she replied. I just don't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked,
What do you mean?
Well they flipped a quarter, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...'get the quarterback!, get the quarterback!' I'm like Hellooooo, it's only 25 cents!

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back.

The pope had not driven a car for ages and the limousine had a powerful engine so he raced through the streets of New York running red lights and breaking the speed limit. This had to draw a lot of attention and soon he was pulled over by a traffic cop.

As the pope rolled down the window the cop could see that this was not an ordinary speeding case. He went back to his car to call his superiors on the radio.

"I've pulled someone over and I'm not sure what to do. I can tell it's a VIP but I'm not sure who it is"

"A VIP? Don't tell me it's the police commissioner again!"

"No. It's not him. It's someone more important."

"More important? Is it the mayor?"

"No. It's not him either. It's someone more important than the mayor"

"More important than the mayor? Are you telling me you've pulled over the president?"

"No. Not the president either. I's someone more important"

"More important? Who can be more important than the president?"

"I don't know! I just know he's so important that he's got the pope as his driver!"

Just after the apartheid ...

A bus company's owner explain to his drivers that if they find it difficult to see people as equal they just have to consider there are no more black and white people, only blue.

So, this driver explained it to its passengers :

"Ok guys, you're not black or white anymore. Only blue. So light blue get the front seats, dark blue the rear."

Canadian guy, American guy, ugly woman and gorgeous woman on a train.

A Canadian guy, American guy, a ugly woman and gorgeous woman are sitting in opposing seats on a train. After some initial introductions of where they're from and where they're going, they settle in to do their own thing and basically ignore each other.

Some time later, the train enters a tunel and all goes black, then suddenly they hear a big slap. As the train exits the tunnel there's the American with the side of his face all red wearing a look of shock.

In the mind of the ugly woman, "That American tried to grope the gorgeous girl and she slapped him!"

In the mind of the gorgeous woman, "That American tried to grope me, but got the ugly woman instead and she slapped him!"

In the mind of the American, "That Canadian tried to grope the gorgeous woman and she tried to slap him but got me instead!"

In the mind of the Canadian, "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap that American again"

Guy manages to land a Superbowl ticket...

But he's in the last row. He decides to move down and find an empty seat. Of course there's none, but finally spots a great seat next to an older gentleman. "Hey anyone sitting there?" "No, go ahead." so he sits down. "Great seats here, strange to find one empty." "Well, that would have been my wife's. We've been to all 49 Superbowls, but she passed away." "I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find any friends or family to come?" "No, they're all at the funeral."

Trump proposed new regulations for the airline industry...

Because even Hitler didn't remove passengers with reserved seats.

A UN delegation was flying across the Atlantic...

A Brit, a Frenchman, an American, and a Mexican are told by the pilot that they are too heavy and may crash.

They pop the hatch and toss out all the luggage, but they're still too heavy.

They rip out the seats and toss them, but they're still too heavy.

The Brit stands up and yells God save the Queen! and jumps out, but they're still too heavy.

The Frenchman stands and yells Vive la France! and jumps out, but they're still too heavy.

The American stands and yells Remember the Alamo! and throws out the Mexican.

Why do elephants hate flying?

The seats are too small.

So a snail walks into a car dealership..

He goes up to the dealer and he says, "Alright, I want it cherry red, with white-walls, and leather seats, and I want a *big* 'S' painted on the the side." After he rings it the dealer looks at him and he says "I understand white-walls and leather seats, but why the letter 'S' on the side? "Well" the snail says "When I drive by in my new car, I want people to say 'look at that S car go!'

A group of nuns are biking one day...

and every bump they hit they all giggle. Finally the head nun turns around and yells, "Ladies, if you don't stop that laughing we're going to have to put the seats back on!"

Saving all the seats

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

New study shows you can get HIV/AIDS from toilet seats in public restrooms

By sitting down before the other guy gets up

There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

Another one from the pub: The Ventriloquist!

So, this ventriloquist's doing a gig at a pub and has people rolling over their seats laughing.

At one point, he delivers an Irish joke, and a man in the crowd gets up, points at him, and roars: 'What's ye's telling them offenshev jokes, for?! Some of us here are Paddys, boy-o!'

The ventroloquist stops, turns to the man and says: 'I'm sorry, sir, I was just telling a joke. I didn't mean to offend you so. I'll keep it clean of offensive jokes from now on.'

And the Paddy goes: 'Who's talkin' to ye's?! I was shpeakin' to the man on your lap!'

THREE vampires walk into a restaurant one casual night.

The host welcomed them in and showed them their seats.

While they were seated, a waiter comes by to ask for their orders:

Vampire 1: "I'm hungry and have saved a lot of money for such an occasion. I'll have a glass of your finest human blood"

Vampire 2: "I'm kinda saving up for stuff, so I'll just have a cup of raw pig blood."

Vampire 3: "I don't have a lot of money with me today, so I'll just have a cup of hot water."

The two vampires and the waiter look at him with contempt

Vampire 3: "What're you looking at me for? I picked this pantyliner from the street so I'm just gonna make tea."

If nationalists got 100% of the seats in the Parliament...

...it would be all-right.

I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.


Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch

What do you call a gay bar with no seats?

A fruit stand!

TIFU by spraying water on a topless model

Now all the seats are wet

A man walks onto a bus and sits next to a woman.

Another woman gets on board and had nowhere to sit, so the seated woman said to the man, "If you were a gentleman, you'd stand up and give the lady your seat."

The man replies, "If you were a lady, you'd stand up and give 5 people your seats."

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

"How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer.

"Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

"Wait and watch" answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

A blind man walks into a bar

He makes his way to the front, takes a seat and says to the bartender:
"You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
To which the bar tender replies:
"Mate, im blonde, and over there we have the world wrestling champion and he is blonde, on the other side of the room we have the womans boxing world champion and she is blonde. Two seats behind you is a black belt in karate and he is also blond. Are you sure you wanna say your blonde joke?"

"Nah not if im gonna have to *repeat* myself 4 times"

The circle

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Girlfriends are like subway seats...

You don't know how many homeless guys were in them before you came along.

President Trump and ex-President Obama go to the Barbershop...

They each enter the establishment, and take their seats with different barbers. Neither says a word, and even the barbers dare not speak, fearing that any conversation would soon turn political.

At the end of the service, as each man got ready to leave, Trump's barber offers him the aft**e**rshave.

Trump is quick to stop him: "No thanks, buddy. My wife will smell it and think I've been at a whorehouse".

Obama's barber turns to him and offers the same.

Obama replies: "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like".

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes