Seated Jokes
76 seated jokes and hilarious seated puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about seated that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Seated Short Jokes
Short seated jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The seated humour may include short seating jokes also.
- When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat Is a warm toilet seat
- Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus, That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
- My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says Welcome! Come in and make a seat.
- The First Rule of Fight Club... ... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on. - I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
- Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.
- Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person. I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.
- An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.
- What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheel, wooden seats, and a wooden engine? It wooden go.
- I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
Share These Seated Jokes With Friends
Seated One Liners
Which seated one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with seated? I can suggest the ones about seats and sits.
- The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called.... fast 10 Your Seat Belt.
- I've always stood up for black people... It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat
- I just booked some cheap seats from United. They were in the nosebleed section.
- I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus. I lost my job.
- How did the love seat get pregnant? Because the couch didn't pull out.
- Why did Paul Walker cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing a seat belt.
- What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz? Plenty of seats on the train ride home.
- My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in the back seat of my car so... I had to pop the trunk.
- Wearing a seat belt Men: /
Women: % - Why does Yoda have the best seat on the Jedi Council? He gets a seat next to a Windu.
- Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight? I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.
- What's the best thing to do when someone close to you dies? Move seats.
- What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
- Why are stadiums so cool? Because every seat has a fan on it
- Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station! Authorities have nothing to go on.
Laughable Seated Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about seated you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean driving seat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make seated pranks.
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn't differentiate between them.
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
The husband and the horse.
The husband seated, reading his newspaper when his wife, furious, came from the kitchen and hits him in the head with a skillet .
Startled, he gets up and asks:
- Why did you do that? She responds: - I found this is the piece of paper in your pants with Mary's name and number. - Honey, remember the day I went to the horse racing? Yeah ... Mary was the horse I bet on, and the number was how much they were paying for the bet. The woman then left asking for apologies...
Days later, there he was again seated when he receives a new punch, this time with a pressure cooker.
Even more surprised (and dizzy), he asks: - What happened now, my love? She replies: - Your horse just called ...
The Thai Girl
One day, I decided to take a bus to work for a change. Seated across the aisle from me was a beuatiful thai girl. I thought to myself, "please don't get an e**...".
But she did.
An Israeli Joke
An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."
You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception
Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...
Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?
Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.
I work at a restaurant...
I work at a restaurant. A woman and her young son came walking through the door early in the morning.
I immediately approached after they were seated and asked,"What will it be today?"
The young boy was quick to exclaim,"I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!!!"
There was a long silence.
His mother then put one hand on her head and said,"Eggs.... He wants eggs."
That Sound
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl. The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look. It's w**.... That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well. I don't know. A young girl like that. I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant pass wind!"
A blind man goes into a restaurant...
A blind man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He orders something to drink and says to the waiter "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The waiter replies, "Well, actually sir, I am a blonde. And there is a man just over at the bar who is an ex-con with a violent streak and he is a blonde. Also we just seated a body builder who has a temper problem, he is blonde as well. So, I don't know, do you want to tell the joke?"
The blind man says, "Well, no not if I have to explain it three times!"
A q**...!
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A q**...."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A q**..., please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "s**...!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
A young lady gets on a bus...
A young lady gets on a bus but it's standing room only. A middle-aged man seated next to her is ignoring her, and she says "Excuse me, sir, would you mind standing so a pregnant lady can sit?". He excuses himself and stands for her. As she's sitting down, he realizes she doesn't look pregnant at all. He asks her, "Excuse me miss, but how long have you been pregnant?" She says "About 15 minutes, and boy are my legs tired!".
In light of today's events in Toronto
A lady gets on a plane and realizes that she's been seated next to an Arab man in traditional attire. She watches him cautiously during the entire flight.
When the plane lands, he gets out before her, but leaves his briefcase under the seat in front of him. Noticing this, she grabs it and follows him, handing him the briefcase!
"You almost forgot this!", she said.
The man looks at her and says, "Thank you for this, miss. As a token of my appreciation, I have some advice for you, "Stay away from Toronto."
She replied, "Why? Is there going to be an attack there?"
"No", he said. "Their mayor's a crackhead."
A woman gets on a bus.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Putin, Medvedev, and a few other members of the cabinet and parliament walk into a restaurant...
They get seated, and the waiter asks Putin:
– What would you like to eat, sir?
– I'll have some meat.
– And how about the vegetables, sir?
– The vegetables will also have some meat.
MY WIFE IS A LIAR!
'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
'How do you know?' the friend asked.
'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'
'So?' the friend replied.
'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!
Lets talk.
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old g**... an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
A woman was seated next to President Coolidge (aka silent Cal ) at a dinner party.
I bet my friend that I would be able to get more than two words out of you tonight, she said.
You lose, he replied.
Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class
So on day, he says with an odious smile:
'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'
Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.
'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone.
'Honestly? Not really. I just couldn't bear to see you stand alone, sir.'
A man is served whiskey on a flight
A man is served whiskey on a flight.
The flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too?
Priest: I would rather be r**... by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips
The man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...
s**... Statistics on a Plane.
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about s**... statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about s**... statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average p**... and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
A Filipino, a Korean, a Laotian, a Chinese, a Japanese and a Vietnamese go to a fancy restaurant. "Sorry" says the Maitre d' ...
"You can't be seated without a Thai."
A Hunter, a Titan, and a Warlock walked into a bar...
They were seated and had their orders Taken.
I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car...
I clearly called shotgun.
I used to be a stand up guy
Now I just stay seated when I wipe.
I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane
because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own.
A man walks onto a bus and sits next to a woman.
Another woman gets on board and had nowhere to sit, so the seated woman said to the man, "If you were a gentleman, you'd stand up and give the lady your seat."
The man replies, "If you were a lady, you'd stand up and give 5 people your seats."
THREE vampires walk into a restaurant one casual night.
The host welcomed them in and showed them their seats.
While they were seated, a waiter comes by to ask for their orders:
Vampire 1: "I'm hungry and have saved a lot of money for such an occasion. I'll have a glass of your finest human blood"
Vampire 2: "I'm kinda saving up for stuff, so I'll just have a cup of raw pig blood."
Vampire 3: "I don't have a lot of money with me today, so I'll just have a cup of hot water."
The two vampires and the waiter look at him with contempt
Vampire 3: "What're you looking at me for? I picked this pantyliner from the street so I'm just gonna make tea."
As I was being seated for lunch at a place I commonly go, the waitress knew what I was going to order.
I said "you must be clairvoyant", to which she replied "no, my name is Jenna".
Batman went to a restaurant.
Shortly after being seated, the waiter asks if he would like a drink.
"Water." Batman says in his gruff voice.
"Would you like ice and a lemon?"
Batman looks at him and says: "Justice."
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.
What did Jesus say when everyone was seated?
"Last sup, everybody?"
A teacher tells a class that nobody is dumb.
She then says to the class, "Stand up if you think you are dumb."
Everyone remains seated.
"Anyone?"
Finally, One student in the back of the class decides to stand up.
"Johnny! Do you really think you're dumb?"
"No, teacher." He replies, "But I hate to see you standing alone!"
A woman was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
She was brought before the judge who asked, How many peach slices were in the can?
Six, she replied.
Ok, I'll give you six days.
Her husband, seated court, raised his hand and said, Your honor, she also stole a bag of rice.
Little Johnny
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to." the little boy replied.
"Of course you do." His mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house"
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
A musician walks into a bar
and notices a coda seated at the end.
A musician walks into a bar.
A woman boards a plane and is seated next to a man.
The man has the worst sitting posture she's ever seen, and as the plane took off, she couldn't help but stare at him.
Around an hour later, the man notices the woman staring and asks if anything is wrong.
"Did anything happen, Mam?"
"Oh no, it's got nothing to do with you, something just isn't sitting right with me."
Cowboy & Preacher
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage
of by a woman of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
Right away, the cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice
Old folks home
Three old fellas are seated on the front porch of their old folks home. The first one says " I like this place but the only problem I have is I can't pee first thing in the morning. " The second guy says I like our place too It's really really nice but I can't p**... first thing in the morning. " The third guy says about 6:00 every morning I pee like a racehorse. And then about 8:00 in the morning I c**... so good it would amaze you. Only problem I have is I don't wake up till 9:00.
Ricky Nelson would be proud
I had a dream the other night. I was at an Italian restaurant, as I was walking in unnoticed Lou Abbot and Mary Tyler Moore waiting to be seated and Corey Hart was leaving having already ate. I made a gesture and said Hello Mary, Lou, and goodbye Hart.
Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...
After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.
The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"
"I'll take the New York s**..., well done. Can't stand the sight of blood." Replies Donald Trump.
"Very good sir. What kind of dressing would you like on your salad?"
"Ranch, the greatest American dressing." Trump says confidently.
"Good choice Mr President. And for the potato?"
"Oh, he'll have a well done New York s**..., too".
My wife is a liar
"That wife of mine is a liar." said an angry man to his pal seated with him at the bar.
"How do you know?" the friends asks
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she spent the night with her sister Shirley"
"So? What the problem" the friend asks in a confused manner
"So she's a liar. She wasn't at Shirley's, I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
An Irishman and a m**... are seated next to each other on a plane...
The flight attendant asks if they'd like anything to drink. The Irishman says I'll have a double shot of Jameson, and one for my new friend here.
No no no, says the m**.... I would rather be sodomized by a dozen disease-infested w**... than to let alcohol touch my lips.
The flight attendant blushes and turns away before the Irishman interjects, forget the whiskey—I didn't realize that was an option.
The devil strolls into a church
Everybody starts screaming and running out, the priest almost falls as he jumps over the altar. One old man remains seated seemingly completely unphased by the incident. The devil booms "YOU MUST BE BLIND OLD MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" The man replies, "Not really worried brother... I married your sister"
A young man was drafted and sent to medical evaluation
The doctor asked him to read the first five letters on the poster. He quickly replied What poster? after which he was relieved of duty.
Unfortunately, as he went to the cinema that night, he was seated right next to the very same doctor. Without hesitation, he tapped the doctor on the shoulder and said:
Excuse me miss, is this bus destined for Dallas?
So a guy decides to walk to the bar by strolling across an adjacent golf course.
So a guy decides to walk to the bar by strolling across an adjacent golf course. As he walks he picks up stray b**... and stuffs them in his pants pocket. Later, seated at the bar he notices the lady next to him staring at the huge bulge in his pants. "Golf b**...," he explains. "You poor man," the lady exclaims. "And here I thought my tennis elbow was bad."
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a m**... temple wedding...
Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a m**... temple wedding when one of them leans over and asks the other:
I'm confused, how many wives are we allowed to have?
His companion mulls it over, Sixteen… I think. *Four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.*
So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane
They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A p**... drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...
When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.
He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"
The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig! He is a purebred French poodle!"
The man squints his eyes and is silent for a second. Then turns back to the lady and slurs once more:
"I wath tokking...to thuh Frensh poothle."
Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...
...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.
"To the Grand Hotel please."
The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."
One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."
That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
It was h**... Choo's first time in America, and he was excited to visit an American bar .
He quickly locates one and finds a seat by the counter, where two other men are already seated.
The surly bartender tilts his head at the first man, who says Jack Daniels, single.
The bartender nods and looks towards the second man, who says, Johnny Walker, single.
The bartender then turns to h**... Choo...
h**... Choo, married!
I could never be a greeter at a steakhouse.
They always want you to pick your cut from the case before you are seated.
I wouldn't know whether to ask customers to stake their claim or claim their steak.
(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...
He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."
The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.
The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear and sorry for your loss. But surely you could have found someone, a cousin, a family friend or anything.."
The seated man says "I could, but they're all at her f**...."
After being seated at the restauarant, my server asked me; Comfortable sir?
I replied, no, comeforfood.
Some Engineering Teachers Sat In a Plane
A group of engineering teachers were invited to sit in a plane. Once everyone was comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their engineering students. Immediately, all the teachers scrambled to get out of the plane- all but one. When asked why, the teacher responded:
"I have been watching my students closely and understand their ability. I can say with confidence that if they were the ones to build this plane, **this hunk of metal won't even take off.**"
Education
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive. "I asked, "What's the difference? "He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education. "
Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth walk into a restaurant...
They're waiting to be seated, when they spot Sandra Bullock and George Clooney sitting at a table nearby.
Suddenly and without warning they run over to the pair's table and start screaming and shouting:
"No!"
"You cannot, and shall not!"
"We will not let you! Ever!"
Security are called, and the two actresses are escorted away.
As they are leaving, the security guard says:
"What in blazes were you doing?"
The pair look at each other and, as one reply:
"Defying Gravity"
-----
My only original joke ever.
A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.
A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"
The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."
