Sean Jokes

148 sean jokes and hilarious sean puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sean that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Sean Short Jokes

Short sean jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sean humour may include short sean lock jokes also.

  1. Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night... That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.
  2. Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery. He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.
  3. What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside? "Shomething'sh Amish..."
  4. Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face... whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.
  5. Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*
    What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
    When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.
  6. Where does Sean Connery keep his guns? In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
  7. Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
  8. Sean Connery's New Job Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"
    Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket"
  9. In memorial of Sean Connery: My favorite knock knock joke. (Say out loud for best effect) Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Dish Who?
    (Said in Sean Connery accent) DISH IS SEAN CONNERY LET ME IN!
  10. The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE! (Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
    Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
    I had only myshelf to blame.

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Sean One Liners

Which sean one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sean? I can suggest the ones about sean connery and mick.

  1. How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S
  2. What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"
  3. I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat He mistook it for a job offer. :(
  4. A book falls on Sean Connery's head "Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
  5. One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again. To sit on his face.
  6. Does Sean Connery like herb? Yes, but only partially.
  7. What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.
  8. Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen? He had Dish-abilities
  9. What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? "Tennish"
  10. They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less.
  11. As a belieber I am sick and tired of unbeliebers mocking out beliebs.
  12. If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar... He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.
  13. What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish
  14. What time did Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish.
  15. A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.

Sean Connery Jokes

Here is a list of funny sean connery jokes and even better sean connery puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books. He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.
  • When Sean Connery first learned to talk.. he would pronounce his name like "Sawn."
    His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a "SH" sound.
    And the resht is hishtory.
  • Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head. Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.
  • What did Sean Connery say when a book fell down and hit him on the head? I can only blame my shelf
  • Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter? It was an egg shell lent idea
  • Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it? Tennish.
  • So Sean Connery Died today..... Couldn't he have died another day?

    (Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)
  • Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend. He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"
    She says "Tennish"
    He says, "I know but what time?"
  • Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY He has only his shelf to blame
  • What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster? Shellfish.

Sean Bean Jokes

Here is a list of funny sean bean jokes and even better sean bean puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Sean Bean is the Narrator for Civilization VI So I guess he dies after the Bronze Age or ...?
  • I just watched "the Martian" - What an unrealistic movie... ...Sean Bean survives.
  • My mother heard about Sean Beans recent marriage. "I think it's his fifth marriage." says Dad.
    "Wow." says Mom. "His marriages are like his roles in film. Short Lived."
  • I asked Sean and Shawn what their favorite kind of food is, they replied Sean: Beans
    Shawn: Bhawns
  • Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Sean Bean dying in a movie ...and I'm not completely sure about the first two.
  • How does Sean Bean get it both ways? He should be Seen Been or Shawn Bawn FFS
  • TIL Sean Bean is immortal And that dying in movies is the only way he can experience death
  • You couldn't kill Sean Bean if he was wearing a red shirt.
  • Sean Bean dies. There, I just ruined almost every movie he's in.
  • "Winter is coming..." "Aye, and so am I." *ugnhhh*
    Sean Bean, nooo!!
Sean joke, "Winter is coming..."

Sean Lock Jokes

Here is a list of funny sean lock jokes and even better sean lock puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What’s a normal day like in the life of Sean Lock? It’s just eight hours of sleep, six hours of hiding, two hours of regret and apologies, one hour of scratching… and then a bit of telly.
  • Do you think British people judge others on their accent? I judge people long before they’ve opened their mouths.
  • What would it mean to you to beat Jon this evening? It would be like… finding a fiver in an old coat.
  • Imagine what the spider Kama Sutra is like with all those legs.
  • If Sean Lock was a Hollywood actor... ... He'd be Robert Frowny Jr.
    - Jimmy Carr
  • Imagine a world without herbs. It would be basically the same... But it would be missing just a little something.
  • I hear voices in my head But I ignore them and carry on killing.
  • Due to numerous imposters I have been forced to set up a twitter. Now go f**k yourselves.

Sean Hannity Jokes

Here is a list of funny sean hannity jokes and even better sean hannity puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Sean Hannity hates crisis actors So he decided to retire.
  • Who is Sean Hannity's Favorite Movie Director? The Cohen Brother.
  • What's Sean Hannity's favorite word game? Mad Libs.
  • Sean Hannity never visits Venice He heard they only offer water boarding
  • The snow's really coming down out there. It's whiter than a Sean Hannity book signing.
Sean joke, The snow's really coming down out there.

Uproarious Sean Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time

What funny jokes about sean you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sean pranks.

What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share?


A schmooze....

...what Sean Connery calls an afternoon nap

A teacher asks her class

to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

two sean connery jokes for the price of none........

**q:** what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon? **a:** tennish --- **q:** when sean connery sprays febreze in his bathroom, what does it smell like? **a:** shitrus.

i enjoy Sean Connery's accent as much as the next guy...

but im never going to say "sit on my face" to my girlfriend while having s**... again.

Sean Connery: He Only Carries Plastic

*Again, read in the man's unmistakable voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a hundred dollar bill?
Well, I don't have the cash on me to break a hundred. But I did break your mother last night.

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat s**... on the mat.

What happened when Sean Connery tried learning 3d modelling?

He made a mesh.

Why would anyone ever name their kid "Sean"?

It's just wreang.

What type of cologne does Sean Connery wear?

Old Spies

What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?

I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.

Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.

When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."

Sean Connery was in his private library.

He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".

Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

He kept trying to shave the princess.

Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...

They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.
Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."
Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."
And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."

Why does Sean Connery s**... at DIY?

A lack of shelf awareness.

What's different for Sean Connery when he has s**... with his wife or with a p**...?

It's the shame.

What type of bean results in p**... death?

Sean Bean

What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?

"You're two shellfish."

Sean Connery walks into a bar

Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."

How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?

Like a b**...!

That's the last time I'll do my Sean Connery impression...

...and tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

The past few days summed up

Pepsi: We just pulled the worst PR stunt of the year.
United Airlines: Hold my beer.

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

Why is Sean Spicer moving to Australia?

He's gotten really good at roaming around the bush.

What does Sean Connery call a shrimp that won't share?


Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once.

** comedy silence **

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland

His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub. I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together." One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any head?" And Sean says, "No, I couldn't find it."

I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me...

"I'm ashamed of my shelf.

An irishman named Sean cloned himself multiple times but just couldn't stand being around the 11th one...

There was ten Sean between them.

TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.

My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....
I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.

Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.

When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."

What time does Sean Connery get to his seat at Wimbledon?


Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before

A rare moment of shelf discovery.

Sean Connery told me he got a tattoo of armour on his mouth, and that I mustn't tell anyone.

"OK," I replied, "And I recently cheated on my wife. So you must keep my secret, if you want me to keep yours."
He said, "My lips are shield."

What did Sean Connery say in a dirty kitchen?

Dishes, concerning.

Co worker told me this one

Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing making a movie about great composers.
Sean Connery says Only if I get to be Mozart
Stallone says Then I'll be Beethoven
Arnold says I'll be Bach

I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.

But only partially.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.
Safe travels, Sir.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.

Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to s**... on his chauffeur

Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
Sure, I rather have Parkinson's , replied Sean
'Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!

Sean Connery is at his first day of Kindergarten...

The boy acts up, so the teacher tells him to go sit in the corner.
A few minutes later, a horrible smell begins to emanate from where Sean is.
"Sean!" The teacher screams, "What did you do that for?!"
"Well, Mish" Sean replies. "You did tell me to s**... in the corner..."

What would a sadistic Sean Connery s**... shop be called?

Lash But Not Leash

What time did Sean Connery watch Wimbledon?


What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and time to play it?


What time did Sean Connery go to bed when he visited Wimbledon?


I was at a seance and the spiritualist kept giggling, so I punched him.

My mother always told me to strike a happy medium.

Sean joke, I was at a seance and the spiritualist kept giggling, so I punched him.

jokes about sean