Sean Connery Jokes

135 sean connery jokes and hilarious sean connery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sean connery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Sean Connery Short Jokes

Short sean connery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sean connery humour may include short sean lock jokes also.

  1. Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night... That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.
  2. Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery. He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.
  3. What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside? "Shomething'sh Amish..."
  4. Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face... whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.
  5. Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*
    What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
    When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.
  6. Where does Sean Connery keep his guns? In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
  7. Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
  8. Sean Connery's New Job Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"
    Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket"
  9. In memorial of Sean Connery: My favorite knock knock joke. (Say out loud for best effect) Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Dish Who?
    (Said in Sean Connery accent) DISH IS SEAN CONNERY LET ME IN!
  10. The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE! (Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
    Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
    I had only myshelf to blame.

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Sean Connery One Liners

Which sean connery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sean connery? I can suggest the ones about sean bean and james bond.

  1. How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S
  2. What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"
  3. A book falls on Sean Connery's head "Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
  4. One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again. To sit on his face.
  5. Does Sean Connery like herb? Yes, but only partially.
  6. What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.
  7. Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen? He had Dish-abilities
  8. What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? "Tennish"
  9. If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar... He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.
  10. What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish
  11. What time did Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish.
  12. What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster? Shellfish.
  13. I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs. But only partially.
  14. How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.
    Safe travels, Sir.
  15. What time did Sean Connery go to bed when he visited Wimbledon? Tennish

Laughable Sean Connery Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about sean connery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean conor mcgregor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sean connery pranks.

At what time does Sean Connery like to watch the Williams sisters play?


What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share?


What did Sean Connery say about the s**... tree carving?

T'was a nice piece of ash.

A schmooze....

...what Sean Connery calls an afternoon nap

two sean connery jokes for the price of none........

**q:** what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon? **a:** tennish --- **q:** when sean connery sprays febreze in his bathroom, what does it smell like? **a:** shitrus.

i enjoy Sean Connery's accent as much as the next guy...

but im never going to say "sit on my face" to my girlfriend while having s**... again.

Sean Connery: He Only Carries Plastic

*Again, read in the man's unmistakable voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a hundred dollar bill?
Well, I don't have the cash on me to break a hundred. But I did break your mother last night.

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat s**... on the mat.

Joke made up by friend of friend (It is terrible but I laughed)

What hotel does the vegetable Sean Connery stay in?
(In a faux connery accent) - "The Radishon"

What happened when Sean Connery tried learning 3d modelling?

He made a mesh.

How do you prepare corn like Sean Connery?

Shuck it long, and shuck it hard.

"Please come here and sit on my face."

He soon regretted being Sean Connery.

What type of cologne does Sean Connery wear?

Old Spies

Why does Sean Connery hog all of the oysters at a seafood dinner?

Because it's shellfish.

What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?

I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.

Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.

When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."

Where does Sean Connery sit?

In the toilet.

Why was Sean Connery accused of piracy while drinking tea?

He took a ship.

Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it?


What does Sean Connery's nemesis and the crater of a volcano have in common?

They're both ash-holes.

Sean Connery was in his private library.

He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".

What time does Sean Connery get to the US Open?


Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

He kept trying to shave the princess.

Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...

They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.
Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."
Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."
And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."

Why does Sean Connery s**... at DIY?

A lack of shelf awareness.

What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub?

Shower Cream

What's different for Sean Connery when he has s**... with his wife or with a p**...?

It's the shame.

What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?

"You're two shellfish."

I heard Sean Connery's great grandpa was hung for lèse-majesté.

God, shave the Queen.

Sean Connery walks into a bar

Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."

What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbeldon?


Stop eating all the shrimp, Sean Connery

It's shellfish.

What does Sean Connery say when he has to go number 2?

"I've got a shituation"

Why should Sean Connery not work in Tech support?

Because instead of using red ink, he would be shredding

How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?

Like a b**...!

What time does Sean Connery turn up at Wimbledon?


What does Sean Connery call fancy spaghetti?


The difference between Sean Connery and a Silica Tetrahedron

One's an ionic bond, the other's an iconic Bond.

When does Sean Connery enjoy playing his favorite sport?


That's the last time I'll do my Sean Connery impression...

...and tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

Sean Connery was asked if he likes herbs.

He responded: "Yesh, but only partially."

My Chemistry homework is asking me to rank the bonds by relative strength.

Could Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig beat Sean Connery in a fight?

What does Sean Connery call a shrimp that won't share?


"So, Mr. Sean Connery, it is true that you're proud of your hobby of carpentry?"

"Yeah, I love talking about myshelf"

Sean Connery's doctor told him...

...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."
The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.
"How was it?" the doctor asked.
Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"

Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once.

** comedy silence **

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

Sean Connery asked his wife sit on his face

He never asked her again

What did it smell like in Sean Connery's bathroom after he used Orange bathroom potpourri spray?


I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

What's Sean Connery's Real Name?

Sawn Connery

Sean Connery caused a public outrage in the 1960s by coming out of his hotel room with f**... covering the front of his suit

He told a girl to sit on his lap.

What does Sean Connery call a bus that drops people off sneakily?


What time does Sean Connery prefer to play tennis?


I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me...

"I'm ashamed of my shelf.

What's Sean Connery's k**...?


How does Sean Connery Shave?

Control esh.

A book just fell on Sean Connery's head. He said...

"I've only myshelf to blame"

A spider fell on Sean Connery and bit him.

He told his doctor, "I have only my shelf to blame"

Why was Sean Connery asked to leave the wildlife conservatory?

He kept saying he wanted to shave the animals.

Sean Connery auditioned for the "City Bank" commercials, but didn't get the part.

Also, he only ever asked his wife once to "come sit on his lap"

Did you know that today is Sean Connery's favorite holiday?

Ash Wednesday

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

jokes about sean connery