Seamus Jokes

17 seamus jokes and hilarious seamus puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about seamus that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Seamus Short Jokes

Short seamus jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The seamus humour may include short mick jokes also.

  1. My pal Seamus is so poor... The other day I saw him walking down the street with just one shoe and I asked him Hey buddy, have you lost a shoe? And he said No, I found one .
  2. Two Irishmen are looking for a job. They come across a sign, that reads, "Tree Fellers". Pat and Murphy look at each other and exclaim, "If only Seamus was here, we would've had the job!"
  3. Have you seen the news about the Seamus Costello Celebrity s**... tape? It's all about the star he ploughs.

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Charming Humor Seamus Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about seamus you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lads jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make seamus pranks.

A Card

Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.

the most famous person in the history of the world

The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."

The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".

My brother Seamus says 1 out of 5 people in the world are Chinese.

Well, there's five in our family... I know it's not me, it's not my mom, and it's not my dad. That leaves my two brothers: Seamus, and Xiaoping. And to be honest?
I think it's Seamus.

Murphy and Seamus

Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.
Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.
Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!

It says......

Deep in the chambers of the monastery Father Seamus is transcribing scripture. As Father Ignatius walks by he sees Father Seamus sobbing uncontrollably. "Father Seamus! What ever could be troubling you so!!??!!" said Father Ignatius.
Father Seamus, wiping his tears, says: "It says CELEBRATE."

Seamus walked into the pub, sat down at his usual table...

...and proudly announced, Drinks are on me tonight, boys.
His pals looked at each other, knowing that Seamus was very tight with his wallet. Michael spoke up, Are ye OK?
Seamus clapped him on the shoulder and said, Aye, Mikey, I'm just fine. Last night, while I was here with you lads, someone broke into me house.
p**... said, Yer joking! Did he get anything?
Seamus smiled and said, Two black eyes, a busted lip, and a boot to the nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.

p**... and m**... are walking through the woods when they come across a sign that reads, "Tree fellers wanted." p**... says, "Ah what a shame!"

"If only Seamus was here with us, we all could have applied for that!"

Sean and Seamus open a pub...

...but it's not very successful. In the first week they'd only gotten three customers.
By Saturday night and looking at an empty bar, Sean turns to Seamus and says, "See? I told you we should have opened a brothel."
Seamus says, "That's ridiculous. If they're not coming in for beer, they certainly wouldn't come in for broth!"

An Irish bride is interviewed by police after a fight broke out at her wedding reception.

* Well officer, it's customary for the bride to dance with the best man before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon. I was dancing with the best man p**... when all of a sudden me husband Seamus came running on the dance floor and kicked me as hard as he could s**... bang between my legs. *
The officer winces a little and says * Ouch! that must have really hurt!?! *
* Well yes now it did, but I got off lightly really, poor p**... got three broken fingers. *

An Irishman visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer...

Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news.
"But son," he says, "even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and death alike, so let's raise a glass to the good times in our past and drown our sorrows about my impending demise."
The two of them make a fine night of it, matching each other pint for pint, and by midnight they're roaring drunk. Some of Seamus's friends see them drinking and toasting and come over to see what's going on.
"Well, lads," says Seamus, "'Tis a grand shame, but I'm sorry to say, I'm dying o' AIDS."
"But, Da! You dinna have AIDS - you have cancer! Why would you go and tell them a thing like that?"
"Because, son, I don't want those fellas sleeping with your mother when I'm gone!"

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Door of a Convent.

The Mother Superior answers.

"Em, 'scuse me, Mother Superior," the first leprechaun says, "but you aren't after having any midget nuns in this convent?"
"Why, no little man" says she, "we have no midget nuns in this convent."
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the south of Ireland?"
"No, little man"
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the north of Ireland?"
"No, little man."
"So, yer tellin' us, Mother Superior, that in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns?"
"Yes, as far as I know in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns." The line of questioning becoming tiresome, the Mother Superior closes the door and goes away.
One leprechaun turns to the other and says, "Ah, well ye see, Seamus, I told you it was a penguin we fooked."

Two Irishmen purchase horses from a farmer

As they ride away, one says to the other "p**..., how are we to tell our two horses apart?".
"Well, Seamus, 'tis simple: I'll cut my horse's ear, and that will show us it's my horse!"...and he cuts his horse's ear.
Ten minutes down the road, they run into some brambles, and Seamus' horse's ear gets an identical cut in its ear.
This causes the same argument to come up again, until p**... says "Seamus, I'll cut my horse's tail off, and that will show us it's my horse!"
Seamus finds this acceptable, until, ten minutes later, they encounter MORE brambles, which rip off Seamus' horse's tail just like p**...'s.
They ride and ponder the problem for a mile or so, until p**... suddenly proclaims "I've got it Seamus! You keep using the black horse, and I'll keep using the brown one!"

p**... dies a terrible death...

p**... died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't p**...."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't p**...."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, p**... had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes p**... with them two arseholes... "