sea Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious sea stories

What are the best Sea puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Sea? Well here is a complete list of Sea dad jokes:

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.


What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.


How does Sean Connery shave?



The Seattle Seahawks play calling.


How do you turn a seal into a sea lion?

Remove an electron.


What is the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

an electron


A fisherman comes home to his wife

A fisherman comes home to his wife after a day out on the sea. He hands her his catch and after she cleans and cooks they both sit down to a lovely fish dinner. He takes one fish and begins to eat when he notices his wife sullenly looking down at her plate.

After a concerned silence she looks up and speaks. "You always used to take the smaller fish and insist I have the bigger one for myself. I'm starting to feel that you don't love me as much as you used to."

The fisherman chuckles to himself before taking her hand and says, "My love for you hasn't changed, but your cooking has gotten much better!"


First day at Navy school.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."


What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

"I have only my shelf to blame"


My girlfriend

has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.


Last night I dreamed the oceans were made of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea.


They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is?

Cause you're on the fuckin beach.


What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."


What do sea monsters like to eat?

Fish and ships


Why did the sailor ground his son?

His grades were below sea level

^^im ^^so ^^sorry


One wish

A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?"

The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!"

The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?"

The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly.

"Two or four lanes?"


Seasonal Star Wars joke

> **Darth Vader**: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.

> **Luke**: How?

> **Darth Vader**: I felt your presents.


What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it would be the arrr but it's really the sea.


Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

They keep getting lost at sea.


I just searched google for 'Lost Medieval Servant Boy'

"Page Not Found"


Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they live by the bay, they would be bagels!


What do Sea Monsters eat?

Fish and Ships.


My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh.

If I put my ear on it I can smell the sea.


The Pirate and the alphabet

Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?

Because they spend years at sea.


A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"


Hello, this is Seaworld...

your call may be recorded for training porpoises


The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.

One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.

Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.

After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."


A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".


A pirate ship is voyaging at sea.

First mate: Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon preparing for battle!

Captain: Bring me my red shirt!

The two ships got to battle and the enemy ship ends up being destroyed.

First mate: Captain why did you ask me to bring you a red shirt before the battle?

Captain: Well, if I were to get shot during battle, the red shirt would disguise the blood and you would continue with the battle.

First mate: Wow, that is very honorable. Captain there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon!

Captain: Bring me my brown pants!


My ex-girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.


I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him.

Heard from my 10 year old cousin.


Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All

*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*

What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.


Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"

"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"

"Ok, I want to understand Women"

"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"


Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)


What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You may think it's arr, but they are truly in love with the sea!


What is at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck.


I heard the titanic got a new job...

She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.

I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.


Seamus, an Irish man, has a broken leg...

and asks his best friend Paddy sitting next to him to go upstairs and get his slippers because his feet are "fucking freezing".

On his way to get the slippers, Paddy walks past Seamus' eighteen year old twin daughter's bedroom when he suddenly has an idea. Going into the girl's room he says,

"Hello girls, your father just told me to come up here and fuck the both of yer"

The girls reply, "Fuck off Paddy you idiot"

With a smug look on his face Paddy says, "Alright then, you'll see". He walks out of the girl's room, leans over the banister and yells out,

"Hey Seamus, fuckin both of em?"

Which Seamus replies, "Of course Paddy, what's the use of fuckin one!?"


Why don't seagulls ever fly over the bay?

Because then they'd be bagels.


Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."


Sean Connery's New Job

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"

Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket"


A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...

Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"


What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I'm shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!


Which of these two jokes with roughly the same theme is better?

A. A Christian is drowning in the sea. A boat comes up the crew tries to save them, but he says "no, God will save me!" Later another boat comes up and tries to save him again, but he insists that God will save him. Later a third boat comes along. The Christian is wheezing, gasping, almost exhausted, but manages to wheeze out "no, God will save me!" Then he drowns. In Heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says "I sent you three boats!"

B. An atheist is drowning in the sea. Getting desperate, he says to himself "Okay, God, I know I've never believed in you before, but if you save me, I'll not only become a believer, I'll become the best believer. I'll go to church, do my best to never sin. Please save me." Then a boat suddenly appears out of nowhere with a crew getting their life saving equipment ready. The atheist says "Never mind, God: I got this!"


After the Seahawks game, a reporter went to interview a banged-up player, who had two black eyes.

The reporter said, "You look terrible - what happened to you?"

The player said, "I pulled a groin."

The reporter asks, "You have two black eyes - how did that happen if you pulled a groin?"

The guy responds, "Not mine - someone else's."


3 gay guys get each of their husbands cremated...

...the first guy says he's going to dump his husbands ashes into the sea because he wanted to be a sailor, the second one says he's going to dump his husbands ashes off a plane because he loved to fly, the third guy says "I'm going to put his ashes in some chili so he can tear my ass apart one time"


My girlfriend's new tattoo

My girlfriend has a tattoo of seashell on the inside of her leg. When you put your ear on it, you can smell the sea!


Sea Shells

Why do mermaids wear sea shells? Because the D shells are to big.


why does it take so long for a pirate to learn the alphabet?

the could spend years at sea


A seal walks into a club....

That's the story and we're sticking to it.



You've red some of the best sea jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about sea. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty sea gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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