sea Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious sea puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

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I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

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Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

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My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.

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My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.

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How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+S

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The Seattle Seahawks play calling.

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A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

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Dating is a lot like fishing

Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

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I once met a girl with a tattoo of a conch on her inner thigh

When I put my ear to it I could smell the sea

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly thankful to the man says Thank you so so much, you've saved my dogs life, are you a vet?? to which the German man replies VET??? I'M FUCKING SOAKING

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Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

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An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

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Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

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What's the difference between a seal and sea lion?

One electron

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A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

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So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying for land, when a giant shark came up out of the briny and took me leg clean off!"
"WOW! That's quite a tale!" I said, "and what about you hand?"
"Aye," he continued, "I was on the lower deck, inspecting the cannons, when a giant squid reached up through the porthole and tore me hand clean off!"

"UNBELIEVABLE", I said, and I had to know more. "So what about your eye?"
"Arr, twas not long after the squid, I was back on deck preparing to invade a small clipper ship, when a bird flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Wow and that cost you your eye?"

"No, it was me first day with the hook..."

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I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

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When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

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I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

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They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.

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How do you turn a seal into a sea lion?

Remove an electron.

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An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

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What is the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

an electron

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The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

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There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

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A fisherman comes home to his wife

A fisherman comes home to his wife after a day out on the sea. He hands her his catch and after she cleans and cooks they both sit down to a lovely fish dinner. He takes one fish and begins to eat when he notices his wife sullenly looking down at her plate.

After a concerned silence she looks up and speaks. "You always used to take the smaller fish and insist I have the bigger one for myself. I'm starting to feel that you don't love me as much as you used to."

The fisherman chuckles to himself before taking her hand and says, "My love for you hasn't changed, but your cooking has gotten much better!"

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My girlfriend has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.

When you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.

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Call me a racist if you want, but the other side of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a twenty-foot pole.

I'm so fucking glad I live in Canada.

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My wife is so ugly...

she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.

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Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing...

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.

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What's the most searched word on Bing?

Google

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First day at Navy school.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines ovat the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-out but still in a good condition for it's age surfaces. An old grey-bearded man opens up the hatch and shouts to them:

"Heil Hitler! Haben sie Diesel?"

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DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

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A woman walks onto a bus

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby. As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!".
The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat. She just sits there getting more and more angry. The man sitting next to her asks what's wrong.

She says, "That bus driver insulted me the moment I stepped onto this bus. He's a government employee!"

"You don't have to put up with that," the man said.

"You know what, you're right! I'm going to go up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"Good for you! I'll hold your monkey."

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A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:

"Uh hi, do you need a hand?"

The man said: "No thank you, God will save me"

And proceeded to drown.

He woke up in heaven and saw God, he asked God:

"God? Why didn't you save me?!"

God then replies:

"I sent you two boats you idiot."

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When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee..

..That's a moray..

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A naval officer and a pirate meet in an inn...

The naval officer notices that the pirate has a wooden leg, hook hand, and eyepatch. They begin chatting over drinks, and the officer asks, "So, how did you get the wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were caught in a big storm at sea and I got swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And one of the sharks bit my leg off."

"Man, that sucks," the officer remarked, "but why do you have a hook for a hand?"

"It was sliced off by an enemy swordsman when my ship tried to take their ship."

"How terrible!" the man exclaimed. "And the eyepatch?"

The pirate sighed. "Seagull poop fell into me eye."

The man said disbelievingly, "You lost your eye to seagull shit?"

The pirate replied, "Well, it was me first day with the hook!"

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How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

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AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

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What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

"I have only my shelf to blame"

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I've been searching for two years to find my wife's killer

So far, nobody will take the job.

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I've searched high and low for my brother's killer

but nobody is willing to do it.

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My girlfriend

has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.



If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.

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Sea captain joke

A young sailor is walking the
docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg." The sailor then asks "How did you get the hook?" To which the captain replies "I was in a fierce sword fight with another bucanneer and the bastard cut off me hand." "Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eyepatch?" "Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye." "Why didn't you wipe it out?" "Twas me first day with the hook."

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Donald Trump took Pope Francis for an afternoon on his yacht...

While they were out to sea, the Pope's hat blew off his head and into the water. While everyone ran frantically, Trump stood up and said "Hang on. I've got this"

Miraculously he walked to the platform level with the water, and continued walking across the top of the water, picked up the popes hat and walked back and returned it to him. Everyone was stunned at this they couldn't believe what they just saw!

The following morning CNN reported:

"Breaking: Donald Trump can't swim!"

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I searched eBay for lighters

But it only showed me 16,277 matches.

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I used to think an ocean of soda existed.

Turns out it was just Fanta sea.

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Last night I dreamed the oceans were made of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

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They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is?

Cause you're on the fuckin beach.

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Pirate Joke

While out at sea, a first mate runs to the captain and saying "Captain! There are ten enemy ships on the horizon!"

The Captain responds "Aye! Bring me my red shirt."

The Captain puts the shirt on and battle ensues. After a few hours, they emerge from the fight victorious. The first mate asks "Why did you need your red shirt?"

The captain replies "Because if i was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't notice and would continue without me."

A few weeks later, the first mate runs frantically to the captain saying "Captain, there are 100 enemy ships on the horizon! What are we to do?

"Get me my brown pants!"

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What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

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What do sea monsters like to eat?

Fish and ships

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How do mermaids give birth?

A sea section.

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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Most people think it's the Arrr, but it really be the sea.

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Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?

Do not accept if seal is broken.

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What did the sea say to the river?

You can run but you can't tide!

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So a fisherman and his wife...

...have lived together in a modest home for years now. Every morning the man wakes up before sunrise to go fishing without fail. One morning he sees a storm has rolled in and the sea is violent, he decides for the first time in in years not to fish.

He makes his way back to home through the rain and lightning. He slowly slides back into bed with his wife. When he finally gets all tucked in, his wife whispers "I glad you're back" to which the fisherman replies "Me too". The peaceful silence that followed was interrupted by a loud crack of thunder. The wife whispers "Can you believe my husband is fishing in this shit?"

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The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.

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Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from....

Iceland

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What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane?

MAST DESTRUCTION!!!

I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...

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"This is your Captain speaking..."

"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

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Why is the sea salty?

Because the land does not wave back.

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How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl-Esh.

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Why did the sailor ground his son?

His grades were below sea level



^^im ^^so ^^sorry

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The Tale of the Fisherman and the... Shark

A fisherman pulls up a shark. The shark start begging for his life:
"If you release me back to sea, I'll grant you a wish!".

The fisherman who has heard the "The Tale of the Fisherman and the Gold Fish" starts laughing: "You are not even a goldfish... why should I trust you?"

The shark doesn't give up easily: "Try me, what have you got to lose ?!"
So the fisherman goes: "alright... I wish I had a penis that reached the floor."

The shark smiles with his big teeth and says: "Your wish is my command!"

And then he bites off the fisherman's legs....

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I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car...

I clearly called shotgun.

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One wish

A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?"

The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!"

The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?"

The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly.

"Two or four lanes?"

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Its difficult to say what my wife does

She sells seashells by the sea shore.

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Seasonal Star Wars joke

> **Darth Vader**: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.

> **Luke**: How?

> **Darth Vader**: I felt your presents.

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Sean Connery was in his private library.

He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".

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Two Old Ladies

There were once two old Jewish ladies on a vacation in Israel. They are floating together out in the dead sea when one says to the other, "want a smoke?"

She replies, "Here? How?" The first lady reaches in to her bathing suit and pulls out a balloon with two cigarettes and a lighter in it. The second one asks, "What's that?"

"Oh? You don't know? It's a condom!" They smoke, relax, and enjoy themselves. After they've been floating for a while, the second old lady says,

"And where can I get this condom?"

"Just over at the drugstore, easy."

Later that day, the second old lady walks into the nearest pharmacy, goes up to the teller, and asks for a condom. The teller is a young man who is quite bemused at this bent old lady coming in to buy a condom, so he decides to yank her chain a bit.

"And what size condom would you like?"

"Oh, I dunno, big enough for a camel."

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

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What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it would be the arrr but it's really the sea.

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

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What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships

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What did God say when he saw Eve walking out of the sea competely naked?

Jeez, I'll never get that smell out of my fish.

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Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

They keep getting lost at sea.

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A research shows that 96.86% of people in the sea are sailors.

The rest are Β Ο€rates

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I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

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A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells

"There is an enemy ship approaching!"

"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.

"Why?"

"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"

They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells

"two enemy ships are approaching!"

"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.

One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.

"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"

So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"

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I just searched google for 'Lost Medieval Servant Boy'

"Page Not Found"

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There's plenty more fish in the sea

But until I catch one I'm left here holding my rod.

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Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they live by the bay, they would be bagels!

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I saw Al Gore talking about rising sea levels the other day...

He really needs to come to terms with losing Florida.

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A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

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Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

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What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons?

*A novel naval navel novel.*

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What do you call a stupid fish?

A dumb bass

I'll sea myself trout

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My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

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What do Sea Monsters eat?

Fish and Ships.

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My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh.

If I put my ear on it I can smell the sea.

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The Pirate and the alphabet

Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?

Because they spend years at sea.

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A ship is sailing through the sea...

passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.

A passenger asks the captain:

- Who is he?

- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

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I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda.

When I woke up I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

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A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"

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Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?

Because she grew out of her B-shells.

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If you watch Godzilla backwards

it's about a dinosaur that passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

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Hello, this is Seaworld...

your call may be recorded for training porpoises

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An old one but a good one

Little Johnny sat silently at the back of the class, along with his fellow students. His teacher began discussing vocabulary. She asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary raised her hand and said, 'I went to the beach yesterday, and the sea was fascinating'.

The teacher replied, 'Good attempt, Mary, but I want "fascinate", not "fascinating"'.

Harry waved his hand and stated, 'We visited Grandpa's farm yesterday and I was fascinated.'

Ms Davids shook her head. 'The word is "fascinate", but good try.'

Little Johnny waved his hand wildly at the teacher. "My aunt bought a new 10-button shirt the other day, but her boobs are too big and she can only fasten eight'.

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How do you make a Sea Lion?

You remove an electron from a Seal!

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There once was a plumber named Leigh

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea


She said, "stop your plumbing," "I hear someone coming!"


Said the plumber, still plumbing


"...it's me."

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The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.

One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.

Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.

After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

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What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

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A blonde, redhead, and black girl survive a plane crash at sea...

They all climb aboard a raft, and the blonde says "girls I know how to get us rescued." She then let's all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say's "Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time!" The redhead then decides to take her shirt off revealing her gigantic gorgeous breasts, "All the guys always stare at these, there's no chance that the coast guard men will not see us now!" The black girl then decides to take all her clothes off, lays on her back, and puts her legs behind her head. The blonde and the redhead are surprised, "what are you doing?!" The black girl says, "whenever a plane crashes, they always look for the black box first!"

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What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?...

...I can only blame myshelf.

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Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because their boobs are too big for b-shells!

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A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

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Cortana:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

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How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh

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A pirate ship is voyaging at sea.

First mate: Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon preparing for battle!

Captain: Bring me my red shirt!

The two ships got to battle and the enemy ship ends up being destroyed.

First mate: Captain why did you ask me to bring you a red shirt before the battle?

Captain: Well, if I were to get shot during battle, the red shirt would disguise the blood and you would continue with the battle.

First mate: Wow, that is very honorable. Captain there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon!

Captain: Bring me my brown pants!

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My ex-girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.

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A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.

A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.

Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.

A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.

"Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

"We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish."

"Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

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The Sahara desert walks into a bar.

The barman says "long time no sea."

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Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

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A pirate at the local bar discusses his past.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

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what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

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I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him.



Heard from my 10 year old cousin.

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A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...

**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.

**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!

**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All

*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*

What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

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Jesus and Moses are hanging in Heaven, talking about the good ole days

"You think we still got it, Jesus?"
"Oh, sure. I don't think our ability to perform miracles just goes away, do you?"
"Let's find out!"

Jesus and Moses head down to Earth and are at the edge of the Red Sea. Sure enough, Moses lifts his hands and the water parts, leaving a clear path across. He smirks at Jesus, and Jesus steps up for his turn.

He stepped out into the water and immediately sank. Moses looked at him confused and said "I guess the ability does go away!"

Jesus smiled and said "Last time I did this, I didn't have these fuckin holes in my feet!"

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There once was a fellow named Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
She said stop your plumbing,
I hear someone coming.
He said no one is coming but me.

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How do you cut the sea in half?

With a seesaw (I'll see myself out)

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History Quotations

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?' Patrick Henry, 1775β€², he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863β€² said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997β€²

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' and Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008.β€²

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My wife has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh ...

... and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.

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A guy gets a job on a ship

After a few days out at sea, he's feeling a little lonely and horny. He asks his cabin mate "What do you guys do out here at sea when you get horny? Nothing but men on the ship and we're out for weeks or months at a time."

His cabin mate asks "Haven't you heard about the barrel?"

"Barrel? What barrel?"

His cabin mate explains that there's a barrel on the deck of the ship with a hole about waist-high. "You go up there and just stick your dick in the hole in the barrel."

"What?" says the young sailor. "I'm not sticking my dick in a barrel!"

"Suit yourself," replies his cabin mate.

A few more nights pass and the young man is feeling very horny. He waits until everyone's asleep and figures "what the hell?" He goes on deck, finds the barrel, pulls his dick out and sticks it in. It feels great!

The next morning he tells his cabin mate he finally took his advice and fucked the barrel.

"I told you so!"

"Say," asks the man. "Can I fuck the barrel any time I want?"

"Well," explains his cabin mate. "Any time but Tuesdays."

"Why not Tuesdays?" asks the man.

"Because Tuesdays are your turn to be in the barrel."

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Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?

In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.

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So a pirate walks into his favorite restaurant...

...and one of his friends comes up to him. His friend notices that he now has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye-patch, none of which he had before. The pirates friend approaches and says:

"Wow! You look different, where did you get that peg leg?'

The pirate responds: "Oh I was just at a battle at sea, when a cannonball from the enemy ship struck my leg, but the doctor put on the peg leg, now I'm fine.

Then the friend asks: "Well what about the hook?"

To this the pirate says: "Oh I was in a sword fight and my opponent cut off my hand, but the doctor fixed it with this hook, so now I'm fine."

"Well what about the eye-patch?"

"We were out sailing at sea and a bird pooped in my eye."

"You can't loose your eye from bird poop!"

"Yea, but I wasn't used to the hook yet."

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How do mermaids give birth?

They get a sea section.

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There once was a plumber from Lea

Who was plumbing a girl by the sea

She said "Stop with your plumbing, I think someone's coming!"

Said the plumber, still plumbing "It's me."

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Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?

She's not big enough for d shells.

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Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"

"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"

"Ok, I want to understand Women"

"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

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Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

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I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda

Thank god it was only a Fanta sea

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When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee

That's a moray.

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What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You may think it's arr, but they are truly in love with the sea!

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A Shlep on the Beach

A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"

Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:

"He had a hat!"

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Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL HITLER WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"

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What is at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

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Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?

You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

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I heard the titanic got a new job...

She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.

I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.

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They say there are plenty of fish in the sea

But until I catch one, I'm stuck here waiting holding my rod.

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Seamus, an Irish man, has a broken leg...

and asks his best friend Paddy sitting next to him to go upstairs and get his slippers because his feet are "fucking freezing".

On his way to get the slippers, Paddy walks past Seamus' eighteen year old twin daughter's bedroom when he suddenly has an idea. Going into the girl's room he says,

"Hello girls, your father just told me to come up here and fuck the both of yer"

The girls reply, "Fuck off Paddy you idiot"

With a smug look on his face Paddy says, "Alright then, you'll see". He walks out of the girl's room, leans over the banister and yells out,

"Hey Seamus, fuckin both of em?"

Which Seamus replies, "Of course Paddy, what's the use of fuckin one!?"

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I looked at the ocean today, and thought it looked completely orange...

And so then I wondered if it was reality or a Fanta sea.

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Why don't seagulls ever fly over the bay?

Because then they'd be bagels.

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I've searched high and low, far and wide for my wife's killer.

So far, nobody is willing to do it.

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Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door.

'Sure,' his wife said. 'It will cost you $500.'

'That much?'

'But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town.'

'I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350,' the man countered.

'Sorry,' she shrugged. 'You can't have Juan without the otter.'

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Why are deep sea fish always so stressed?

Because they're under a lot of pressure.

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What are the best Sea puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Sea? Well, here are the best jokes about Sea to have fun with.

Joko Jokes