Sea Jokes

Following is our collection of sail humor and maritime one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Sea puns for adults, dirty seabed jokes or clean seashells gags for kids.

There is an abundance of mast jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 76 funniest jokes on sea. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any marine witze you can hear about sea.

The Best jokes about Sea

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.


A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

Dating is a lot like fishing

Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

I once met a girl with a tattoo of a conch on her inner thigh

When I put my ear to it I could smell the sea

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."


With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.

Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"

How do you turn a seal into a sea lion?

Remove an electron.


An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

My girlfriend has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.

When you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.

My wife is so ugly...

she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.

Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing...

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They've left no tern unstoned

When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee..

..That's a moray..

How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…

Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too

Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…

I met this girl with a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh

She told that if I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean.

I used to think an ocean of soda existed.

Turns out it was just Fanta sea.

Last night I dreamed the oceans were made of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

What do sea monsters like to eat?

Fish and ships

How do mermaids give birth?

A sea section.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Most people think it's the Arrr, but it really be the sea.

Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?

Do not accept if seal is broken.

What did the sea say to the river?

You can run but you can't tide!

The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.

Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from....

Iceland

What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane?

MAST DESTRUCTION!!!

I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...

"This is your Captain speaking..."

"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

Why is the sea salty?

Because the land does not wave back.

What do Sea Turtles and Lesbians have in common ?

They both choke on plastic.

Why did the sailor ground his son?

His grades were below sea level



^^im ^^so ^^sorry

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

What did God say when he saw Eve walking out of the sea competely naked?

Jeez, I'll never get that smell out of my fish.

Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

They keep getting lost at sea.

A research shows that 96.86% of people in the sea are sailors.

The rest are Β Ο€rates

There's plenty more fish in the sea

But until I catch one I'm left here holding my rod.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they live by the bay, they would be bagels!

I saw Al Gore talking about rising sea levels the other day...

He really needs to come to terms with losing Florida.

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

What do you call a stupid fish?

A dumb bass

I'll sea myself trout

What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons?

*A novel naval navel novel.*

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh.

If I put my ear on it I can smell the sea.

The Pirate and the alphabet

Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?

Because they spend years at sea.

A ship is sailing through the sea...

passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.

A passenger asks the captain:

- Who is he?

- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"

If you watch Godzilla backwards

it's about a dinosaur that passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

"Leagues" in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" refers to horizontal distance, not depth.

Otherwise it would be called "Journey to the Center of the Earth."

How do you make a Sea Lion?

You remove an electron from a Seal!

There once was a plumber named Leigh

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea


She said, "stop your plumbing," "I hear someone coming!"


Said the plumber, still plumbing


"...it's me."

A friend of mine is writing a book on Californian sea lions.

I assured him that paper would be much easier.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

My ex-girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.

The Sahara desert walks into a bar.

The barman says "long time no sea."

Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him.



Heard from my 10 year old cousin.

A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...

**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.

**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!

**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

A woman walks onto a bus

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby. As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!".
The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat. She just sits there getting more and more angry. The man sitting next to her asks what's wrong.

She says, "That bus driver insulted me the moment I stepped onto this bus. He's a government employee!"

"You don't have to put up with that," the man said.

"You know what, you're right! I'm going to go up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"Good for you! I'll hold your monkey."

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a seesaw (I'll see myself out)

Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"

"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"

"Ok, I want to understand Women"

"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes