Sea Captain Jokes

46 sea captain jokes and hilarious sea captain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sea captain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Sea Captain Short Jokes

Short sea captain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sea captain humour may include short sailing captain jokes also.

  1. "This is your Captain speaking..." "...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."
  2. What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons? *A novel naval navel novel.*
  3. What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea? Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.
  4. Read this in a pirate voice Did ye hear what happened to Captain Bluebeard when he fell overboard in the Red Sea?
    He got Marooned!
  5. What's the difference between jeweler, a cut down tree, and a sea captain? A sea captain watches the seas, while a jeweler sees the watches.
  6. "Captain, have you ever made love at sea?" "No son, but I've been blown ashore many a time."
  7. Hey billy jokes? Need some more Billy & Highliner Jokes.
    One is "Hey billy you ever been to sea"
    "No Captain Highliner but I have been blown ashore"
  8. Why does a Dyslexic Ship Captain with Coprophobia never pay his taxes? He's afraid of the Sea's Fee.
  9. One my dad literally just told me I thought I was going to grow up to be a captain, but it turns out I can only be a deckhand. Because every morning, I wake up, mast in hand and sea men everywhere.
  10. (JOKE) "A PIRATE RETIRED"vanndukeandsammy sammy:now that captain hook has retired, to make money, to fishermen at sea he rent himself out as a human fishing pole....(werms extra fee).

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Sea Captain One Liners

Which sea captain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sea captain? I can suggest the ones about captain and first mate.

  1. What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea? YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY
  2. What do you call a music-loving captain of a ship? A sea major
  3. What kind of card does a sea captain get when they are in the hospital? Get whale soon!
  4. Did you hear the one about the blind ship captain? He couldn't sea anything.
  5. What did the oblivious asian sea captain say after his sailors washed overboard? No crew!
  6. I want my children to call me Captain Because they're my sea men

Sea Captain joke, I want my children to call me Captain

Uplifting Sea Captain Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about sea captain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean captain hook jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sea captain pranks.

while at sea, the captain of a pirate ship saw an enemy ship approaching

"quick!" he shouted to his first mate. "fetch me my red shirt, so if i am struck they won't see me bleeding!" the first mate complied, and the captain prepared for battle.
after a long fight, the enemy ship retreated and the pirates basked in their victory. just then, the first mate called out in alarm, "we must end our celebration, captain; i see *ten* enemy ships approaching." the captain replied, "fetch me my brown pants."

Pirate Joke

While out at sea, a first mate runs to the captain and saying "Captain! There are ten enemy ships on the horizon!"
The Captain responds "Aye! Bring me my red shirt."
The Captain puts the shirt on and battle ensues. After a few hours, they emerge from the fight victorious. The first mate asks "Why did you need your red shirt?"
The captain replies "Because if i was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't notice and would continue without me."
A few weeks later, the first mate runs frantically to the captain saying "Captain, there are 100 enemy ships on the horizon! What are we to do?
"Get me my brown pants!"

The young sailor

A young sailor prepares for his first deployment as sea. As this is his first deployment the captain calls him into his quarters to ask the man if he is ready for a life at sea, surrounded by s**..., and away from women. The sailor thinks for awhile and replies "Well Captain, I'd be a lying s**... if I did not admit that the thought of not having a woman for months at a time had not crossed me mind." The Captain gives a warm smile and leans in to tell the young man something of importance. Lowering his voice the Captain says "Aye, mate tis hard at sea indeed but we've got a little secret on this ship. Below the lower deck there's a secret room originally intended for smuggling. In that room you will find a barrel with a very unique hole. See it's a magic barrel we found near the Bermuda triangle. Just go below deck and use the barrel when you get a craven. Just don't go below deck on Saturday evenings or Tuesday mornings." Overjoyed the sailor leaves the Captains quarters and heads down below deck. He is amazed at the feeling from the barrel, it's magical how the timber forms together to give a warm, wet feeling.
After his use he returns to the Captains quarters to let him know he found the barrel. He says "Captain, I found the secret barrel and it is truly magical. I only have one question, why can't I use it Saturday evenings or Tuesday mornings?"
"Aye," Says the Captain, "Cuz that's yahr days in the barrel."

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".
"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.
"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".
The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:
"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.
One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.
Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.
After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

What did the sea captain say when he saw the p**... waking up on the deck of his ship?

Aar... look at the h**... rizen!

A ship is sailing through the sea...

passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.
A passenger asks the captain:
- Who is he?
- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

A ship's captain is running accross the deck....

He gets to the back overlooking the sea and starts undoing his pants. One of the crew sees this and asks him: "what in God's name are you doing sir?". The captain turns his head and says "I aft to pee".

A man runs into an old salty sea captain on the docks of Boston harbor and says,

"Cap'm, can't help but noticin' got a steerin' wheel secures to yer c**... there." Sea captain removes the pipe from 'tween his teeth and says, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."

A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...

**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Two Pirate captains sat at a bar driniking, and they were both each others biggest fan.

"You are quite the Pirate. I know of ye and your men. The most fearsome thing on the sea" Complimented Bloodbeard.
"Well I know too well 'you - "Sea Butcher". One Handed Jack! You are the scourge of the seas! We are indebted to host your accompanyment!"
"Also known are ye for your grammar and acquiestment of English and many languages!"
"But still, you are twice the pirate that I, or any of my men am" said Bloodbeard.
A pirate listening nearby corrected him "Arrgh"

A pirate joke:

A pirate ship is sailing the sea when suddenly 2 British ships surround it. The captain shouts "bring me my red shirt" the pirates win and continue sailing
Later, 5 British ships surround the pirates ship. The captain yells again "bring me my red shirt" the fight is tough but the pirates win.
Then one of the crew members asks the captain "why do you always ask for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain answers
" so the ship's crew can't see the blood of my wounds, that way they are not demoralized".
Afterwards 15 British ships surround the pirate ship, and the captain yells
"bring me my brown pants"

It is very hard for me to get in touch with my dealer ship...

Maybe that old sea captain isn't the best person to buy w**... from.

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "
The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "
" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "
To which the lookout replies " Eye, eye Captain! "

A German coast guard and an English ship

A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking.
The captain of the English ship shouts to the coast guard, "Mayday mayday, we're sinking!"
The German coast guard then replies, " What are you sinking about?"

The master of a galley ship comes to his rowers to thank them for such a speedy journey...

Master: Men, since we made such good time crossing the sea, the captain told me to do something special for you, but not too special. So today, everyone gets to change their underwear and loincloth
Rowers: Yea!
Master: hold off celebrating a minute, Bill, you change with John. Kevin, you change with Robert. (And so on)

A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain.

The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.
The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."
The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

A pirate captain was sailing to Antarctica in search of treasure.

One morning, his first mate woke him.
Captain, the ship won't move! The ocean is frozen solid!
The pirate captain rose from his bed, yawned, and stretched. After a good scratch, he put on his boots and coat, and strode out of his quarters.
As he arrived at the bow of the ship, his men gathered around in nervous anticipation. He pulled out his pocket telescope and took a good, long look around the entire horizon. He collapsed his telescope, placed it back in his pocket, and clasped his hands behind his back. After some time, he tipped his head down toward his first mate and said:
Ice sea.

Captain Stutteter

There was once a pirate known as Captain Stutteter. One day he said to his crewmates.
"W-when I I I s-s-Say S-Sh-Shore! Eve-everybody jump offboard!"
Hours passed as they sailed the sea while Captain Stutteter scrutinized around with his spyglass. Then he shouted:
All the crew jumped offboard.

Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.

He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. Next day it's his turn to keep the log and he writes "N wind, calm sea, today the captain is sober."

Sea Captain joke, Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.

jokes about sea captain