Sea Captain Jokes
46 sea captain jokes and hilarious sea captain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sea captain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Sea Captain Short Jokes
Short sea captain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sea captain humour may include short sailing captain jokes also.
- "This is your Captain speaking..." "...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."
- What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons? *A novel naval navel novel.*
- What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea? Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.
- Read this in a pirate voice Did ye hear what happened to Captain Bluebeard when he fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got Marooned! - What's the difference between jeweler, a cut down tree, and a sea captain? A sea captain watches the seas, while a jeweler sees the watches.
- "Captain, have you ever made love at sea?" "No son, but I've been blown ashore many a time."
- Hey billy jokes? Need some more Billy & Highliner Jokes.
One is "Hey billy you ever been to sea"
"No Captain Highliner but I have been blown ashore" - Why does a Dyslexic Ship Captain with Coprophobia never pay his taxes? He's afraid of the Sea's Fee.
- One my dad literally just told me I thought I was going to grow up to be a captain, but it turns out I can only be a deckhand. Because every morning, I wake up, mast in hand and sea men everywhere.
- (JOKE) "A PIRATE RETIRED"vanndukeandsammy sammy:now that captain hook has retired, to make money, to fishermen at sea he rent himself out as a human fishing pole....(werms extra fee).
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Sea Captain One Liners
Which sea captain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sea captain? I can suggest the ones about captain and first mate.
- What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea? YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY
- What do you call a music-loving captain of a ship? A sea major
- What kind of card does a sea captain get when they are in the hospital? Get whale soon!
- Did you hear the one about the blind ship captain? He couldn't sea anything.
- What did the oblivious asian sea captain say after his sailors washed overboard? No crew!
- I want my children to call me Captain Because they're my sea men
Uplifting Sea Captain Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about sea captain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean captain hook jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sea captain pranks.
The Fearsome Pirate
The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."
The captain turns around and replies "Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red jacket."
The first mate is confused and asks the captain why he needs a red jacket. The captain replies "Arr, if I am shot and the crew sees that I'm bleeding they're liable to be afraid."
The first mate admires the captain's bravery, so he goes off to the captain's quarters to fetch his jacket. Once he comes above deck to find the captain, however, he realizes that just visible on the horizon is an enormous armada of ships - hundreds and hundreds of Royal Navy vessels coming towards them from every possible direction. They are completely surrounded.
The captain whispers to him:
"Aye, matey, find me brown pants."
Display of courage in House of Leaves.
From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:
I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."
A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the captain and his crew were victorious.
The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The captain calmly replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great display of courage.
Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."
The Captain
A long time ago there was this captain on his boat with his crew, sailing the high seas when they spotted a pirate ship. Before the battle began, the captain shouted, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but the captain and his men were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. The captain cried, "Bring me my red shirt!" and they proceeded to defeat the three pirate ships. Later on, as the crew was resting and tending to their wounds, an ensign asked the captain why he always wore that red shirt. The captain replied "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." The crew was moved by this great display of courage.
The next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men looked to their captain, waiting for his command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."
A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...
when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".
The Captains Wife
The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.
One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.
Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.
After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."
A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...
In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.
As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"
The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the sea captain say when he saw the p**... waking up on the deck of his ship?
Aar... look at the h**... rizen!
A pirate ship is voyaging at sea.
First mate: Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon preparing for battle!
Captain: Bring me my red shirt!
The two ships got to battle and the enemy ship ends up being destroyed.
First mate: Captain why did you ask me to bring you a red shirt before the battle?
Captain: Well, if I were to get shot during battle, the red shirt would disguise the blood and you would continue with the battle.
First mate: Wow, that is very honorable. Captain there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon!
Captain: Bring me my brown pants!
First day at Navy school.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...
The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"
A ship's captain is running accross the deck....
He gets to the back overlooking the sea and starts undoing his pants. One of the crew sees this and asks him: "what in God's name are you doing sir?". The captain turns his head and says "I aft to pee".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man runs into an old salty sea captain on the docks of Boston harbor and says,
"Cap'm, can't help but noticin'...you got a steerin' wheel secures to yer c**... there." Sea captain removes the pipe from 'tween his teeth and says, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...
**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A Pirate ship is out at sea.
One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells
"There is an enemy ship approaching!"
"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.
"Why?"
"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"
They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells
"two enemy ships are approaching!"
"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.
One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.
"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"
So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"
A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A pirate joke:
A pirate ship is sailing the sea when suddenly 2 British ships surround it. The captain shouts "bring me my red shirt" the pirates win and continue sailing
Later, 5 British ships surround the pirates ship. The captain yells again "bring me my red shirt" the fight is tough but the pirates win.
Then one of the crew members asks the captain "why do you always ask for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain answers
" so the ship's crew can't see the blood of my wounds, that way they are not demoralized".
Afterwards 15 British ships surround the pirate ship, and the captain yells
"bring me my brown pants"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It is very hard for me to get in touch with my dealer ship...
Maybe that old sea captain isn't the best person to buy w**... from.
A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm
He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "
The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "
" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "
To which the lookout replies " Eye, eye Captain! "
The master of a galley ship comes to his rowers to thank them for such a speedy journey...
Master: Men, since we made such good time crossing the sea, the captain told me to do something special for you, but not too special. So today, everyone gets to change their underwear and loincloth
Rowers: Yea!
Master: hold off celebrating a minute, Bill, you change with John. Kevin, you change with Robert. (And so on)
A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain.
The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.
The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."
The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."
The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea
"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....
...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."
A pirate captain was sailing to Antarctica in search of treasure.
One morning, his first mate woke him.
Captain, the ship won't move! The ocean is frozen solid!
The pirate captain rose from his bed, yawned, and stretched. After a good scratch, he put on his boots and coat, and strode out of his quarters.
As he arrived at the bow of the ship, his men gathered around in nervous anticipation. He pulled out his pocket telescope and took a good, long look around the entire horizon. He collapsed his telescope, placed it back in his pocket, and clasped his hands behind his back. After some time, he tipped his head down toward his first mate and said:
Ice sea.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Captain Stutteter
There was once a pirate known as Captain Stutteter. One day he said to his crewmates.
"W-when I I I s-s-Say S-Sh-Shore! Eve-everybody jump offboard!"
Hours passed as they sailed the sea while Captain Stutteter scrutinized around with his spyglass. Then he shouted:
"SH-SH!"
All the crew jumped offboard.
"SH-SHARK! SHAAAARK!!"
Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.
He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. Next day it's his turn to keep the log and he writes "N wind, calm sea, today the captain is sober."
