Screw Jokes

What are some Screw jokes?

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?


One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

Men can be Feminists, too.

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

how many screws hold together a lesbians bed?

None it's all tongue and groove

How many fuq bois does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None it's always lit fam

How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...

How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?

By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. We don't address hardware issues.

How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Find out next time, on Dragonball Z!

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That's not funny

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE!

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark

How many prepubescent teen boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

He said "screw" lolol

How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We may never know the truth.

How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. That's a hardware problem

but have you tried turning it on and off again?

How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves

How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.
.......
Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

None. Who needs a lightbulb when there's a glass ceiling.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They're efficient and not very funny.

How many corpses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It must be more than eight, 'cause my basement's still dark.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins.

How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

How many mods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

\[removed\]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but its kinda hard to get em in there.

SRS bait.

How many feminists does to take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one. She stands with the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Definitely not 9, my basement is still dark

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I have no clue how they got in there.

How many non-humorous people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One

How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out.

How many immature people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

69.

How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but it will take three episodes.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!

The priest says Do we have time?

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US...

Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one."

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Only 2, it's just really difficult getting them in the lightbulb.

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark.

A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three, one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.

(My 8yo Daughter) How many cookies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don't, I eat them all.

How many introverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why does everything have to be a group activity?

How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go for a bike ride?

How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.

How many Trump supporters does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They'd rather be in the dark about things.

Since we're posting dirty limericks now.....

There once was a man from St. Lou

Who gave his dear sister a screw.

He said with aplomb:

"You're better than Mom."

Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KΓ–FFIN product

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.

How many Anime characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only 1, but it takes them 15 episodes to do it.

How many hobos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in dumpsters

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she can't still screw.

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking down the street...

...when the priest sees a boy across the way.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's go over there and screw that boy!"

The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?"

Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill.

Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"

Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2...but who knows how they got in there

How many asexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question: asexuals don't screw anything.

How many dogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Dogs already light up the room.

As a feminist who's fairly critical of her own movement, this made me laugh:

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That's not funny.

How many Nazis does it take to screw in 6 million lightbulbs?

One. The rest were just following orders.

A husband and wife celebrate their 30th anniversary

That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom naked and starts playing with her nipples.

"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"

"I wanna to suck them dry," he says.

She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"

"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.

She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"

"I think I did a pretty good job at both."

How many buzzfeed employees does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Click here to find out!

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the real question is how they got in there.

How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb?

Five. One to hold the lightbulb and four to turn the ladder.

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

How to make Screw jokes?

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