Screen Jokes

I caught my friend l**... my tv today.

So much for the high def l**... screen.

Proctologist

A guy goes in to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, "At this point in the process, it's normal to experience an e**...."
The guys says, "But, doctor, I don't have an e**...."
The doctor says, "I wasn't talking about *you*."

My manly password

My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.
Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:
**"Error. Not long enough."**

Steve Irwin would have survived if he was wearing sun screen

It protects against harmful rays

Why do they like to watch Star Wars on the big screen on aircraft carriers?

They're all about force projection.

My father told me this one :D

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts: "Mypenis"
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says "Error. Not long enough."

My friend asked me why I haven't texted him in such a long while, I replied, "My phone screen broke and now it's completely unusable...

so I lost touch."

I went to ferguson and all I got was this s**... T-Shirt

And this cash register, and this Xbox, and this flat screen tv.

I was watching TV last night...

When an advertisement came on showing one of those African babies covered in flies.I immediately ran for the phone and rang the number that came up on the screen.
"I want one of those", I said,"they work much better than those sticky strips I hang from my ceiling".

A husband and wife are setting up a password for their new computer.

The husband types in "mypenis" as a password. The wife starts laughing uncontrollably, because on the screen, the computer says "Error. Not long enough".

What shatters faster than your smartphone screen?

A newborn with osteoporosis.

God had asked Jesus and the Devil to type out their quarterly reviews...

They are almost finished when suddenly, the power goes out. When it comes back on and they reboot their desktops, the Devil's screen is blank while Jesus's reviews stayed intact. Frustrated, the Devil asks Jesus why he still has his reviews. Jesus's response, "Jesus saves."

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.
I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"

Does a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."

The man professed quite a list of misgivings through the confessional screen.
"Son, have you prayed for forgiveness?"
"Yes, Father?"
"Do you renounce Satan?"
"Hey, that's my wife you're taking about!"

Caught my wife cheating with the neighbor today so I smashed our big screen tv onto his head.

That will teach them to prewatch the jeopardy dvr and try to outscore me without me knowing!

An update to Windows 10 reminder was a little icon at first

Then it was an annoying pop-up. Now it's almost a full screen reminder. Soon they will start calling me on the phone and if I say no a couple loan shark guys will come to my apartment and make me update.

My ex-girlfriends all did me dirty like the first 25% of a Netflix loading screen.

I was repeatedly tricked into thinking there was a connection

I was told water cooling a computer would make it faster

So I threw my laptop into a pool, and now I never have to see a loading screen again!

How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?

There is white-out on the screen. How do you know that another blonde has been using the computer? Someone has written on the white-out.

The next iPhone will be without a...

Screen. You can buy a wireless screen. We are removing it because it's bulky and old.

iPhone 7 is revolutionary!

•no headphones jack
•no wireless charging
•no curved screen
•no 4K resolution (or even full HD) screen
•no VR headset support
•no 360 camera support
•no expansion storage slot
It is true revolution in scamming people to upgrade from old iPhones!

iPhone's from the future.

2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack
2017: iPhone 8=no battery
2018: iPhone 9=no screen
2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000

My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day

He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was p**..., and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying "Turn back to channel 1!"

When you see Trump on your screen, don't try to normalize him.

You'll only screw up you TV's color balance.

How do you make someone stare at a screen for 30 seconds?

Please wait...

Blondes..

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

ROUGE ONE SPOILERS!!!

Screen fades to black at the end and a bunch of names start scrolling up.

How do you tell if a blond has been working at your computer?

There's white out all over the screen

How do you know a blonde has been using the computer?

There's white-out on the screen

I was watching tv last night...

and one of those ads came on with one of those little black African babies covered in flies. I immediately grabbed the phone and called the number on the screen. I had to have one, they work so much better than those sticky strips that hang from the ceiling.

Great free find today!

Was on my way home from a friend's house today, and ran across a free 60 inch flat screen TV, just sitting on the side of the road next to a U-Haul truck.

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution

How do you know when a blonde's been at your computer?

There's white out on the screen.
Why white out?
'Cause the eraser didn't work.

Some people say the Iphone X screen is ugly...

But I think it's top notch.

A pirate walks into a bar…

A pirate walks into a bar with a small computer and monitor on his c**.... The bartender picks him out immediately and notices graphs and statistical functions appearing on the screen as the pirate walks up to him. When he reaches the bar, the pirate asks
for some r**....
The bartender says, "Yes, but sir, do you realize you have a computer in your pants?
The pirate gestures down and explains, "R! It's drivin' me nuts!"

I hate it when mosquitoes land on my computer screen when I'm working...

...it's bugging my code

I took Blondie to the movies

Just as the movie was about to start, she got up to leave.
"Where are you going?" I whispered. "The movie is about to start."
"I have to go outside," she said.
"Why on Earth do you have to go outside right now?"
"The movie man said to silence my cell phone," she pointed at the screen.
"So why do you have to leave?" I asked again, as nicely as I could. "I left it in the car, duh."
"Okay. Go ahead. I'll save you some popcorn."

What do you call a cheap TV?

A screen saver.

At what point during a Netflix and Chill should you start touching her?

Immediately after the Weinstein Company logo flashes across the screen

My friend and I recently watched the Star Wars films back to back in preparation for The Last Jedi...

unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.

How does Kylo Ren's master escape?

With a Snoke Screen.

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

How low is my self esteem?

Well, I'm pretty sure the fbi guy who's responsible for watching me put duct tape on his screen.

Saw a screenplay about the life of a pair of eyeglasses

It was a myopic biopic

I've come up with a new screen resultion!!

The idea was thrown out, but I don't understand why, it was 0k

A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine...

A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine and puts in 40 cents. The machine displays "DIME" on the screen. The man gets close to the machine and whispers, "Yo quiero Pepsi"

How can you tell a blonde was using the computer?

There is curtains on the screen.

How can you tell a Blonde has been using your computer?

There's Whiteout on the screen.
How can you tell a second blond was using it?
There's writing on the whiteout.

What is it called, when you swipe your phone screen really gently with your finger?

Tinderness.

I work with an autistic kid. The other day I drew something terribly on the computer screen and told him I'm artistic

He said me too I'm on the spectrum.

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.

Roses are red,

My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.

Vsauce is comin'

(From your screen) Heeeyyy! Vsauce.
(From suddenly behind you) Michael here!
(Echoing around you) What if you... WERE DEFENCELESS

I live in constant fear

I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.

My iPhone screen went black but I can still hear my ringtone and answer phone calls

It's just an earPhone now.

My son asked me why I only let him play Sim creation screen of the Sims but not the rest

I told him, 'It's character building.'

Blonde dropped and cracked her phone screen.

​
Blonde 1: "Hey, I dropped my phone and the screen is cracked. Will they be able to fix this?"
Blonde 2: "Is it that bad?"
Blonde 1:: "See for yourself. I'll send you a screen shot."
\*After seeing the screenshot\*
Blonde 2: "Are you kidding me?"
Blonde 1:: "..."
Blonde 2: "This looks brand new."