Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video"
The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
"What the fuck is that?" she asked.
I said, "It's a woman masturbating."
"Why is this on your computer screen?"
"I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."
When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"
...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.
I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"
It's my screen savior...
My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.
Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:
**"Error. Not long enough."**
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.
When you masturbate in front of your new device, make sure to put some porn on its screen to avoid embarrassment.
The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not very tall.
So I shouted "Need a hand with that TV?" And he shouted "Fuck off it's a Kindle."
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
The flys all chipped in and fixed the screen door.
>we're here all night, don't forget to tip your waiter!!
Luckily, I was the one facing the screen.
He could have been protected from harmful rays.
I said " You need a hand with that flat screen mate?"
He said "Fuck off dickhead, its an ipad"
They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.
In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet! I had mine stolen last Thursday Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!
P.S. - You can buy wallets for 99p at Poundstretchers.
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution
A guy goes in to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, "At this point in the process, it's normal to experience an erection."
The guys says, "But, doctor, I don't have an erection."
The doctor says, "I wasn't talking about *you*."
Every time they show Ray Lewis on the screen, stab someone in your party and then deny it was you.
I went to a restaurant once that had a game in the lobby you could play. The sign said "Test Your IQ: 25 cents!" While I waited for my table I decided to give it a try. I put my quarter in and on the screen it said press A or B. There were two buttons there so I decided to press A. The screen then said "You're an idiot, -25 cents, GAME OVER". I stood there for a second thinking about why this happened and I decided to try again and press B this time. The screen then said "You're still an idiot, -50 cents, GAME OVER".
...so she went to the video store and picked out a tape with a title that sounded sexy. She drove home, lit some candles, took off her clothes and placed the tape in the VCR, but nothing appeared on her screen except static. So she called the video store and complained. She said "I just rented a porno from you and there's nothing on the tape but static. The clerk replies "Sorry about that, which movie is it?" She replies "Head Cleaner"!!!
The Patriots
and one of those ads came on with one of those little black African babies covered in flies. I immediately grabbed the phone and called the number on the screen. I had to have one, they work so much better than those sticky strips that hang from the ceiling.
When an advertisement came on showing one of those African babies covered in flies.I immediately ran for the phone and rang the number that came up on the screen.
"I want one of those", I said,"they work much better than those sticky strips I hang from my ceiling".
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.
Very well, says God, let us see if Jesus has fared any better.
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?
God chuckles, Everybody knows⦠Jesus saves.
2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack
2017: iPhone 8=no battery
2018: iPhone 9=no screen
2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000ο»Ώ
he's a young convict and here's there crying. An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place. Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.' He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's great.' He goes, 'And you like baseball?' He goes, 'Yeah.' 'Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game.' He goes, 'That's terrific.' And he goes, 'You like Italian food?' And he goes, 'Yeah I love Italian food.' He goes, 'In the cafeteria on Wednesday, it's all Italian food. Let me ask you one more thing. Are you a homosexual?' And he goes, 'No.' He goes, 'Eh, you're not going to like Thursday.'
They are almost finished when suddenly, the power goes out. When it comes back on and they reboot their desktops, the Devil's screen is blank while Jesus's reviews stayed intact. Frustrated, the Devil asks Jesus why he still has his reviews. Jesus's response, "Jesus saves."
When the rocket lands on the moon's surface, the computer screen automatically switches itself on & the chimpanzee clicks on the desktop file that contains his instructions:-
1)....Ensure that rocket has landed at the correct co-ordinates and is anchored safely.
2)....Check ALL life support systems.
3)....Prepare laboratory for analysing samples.
4)....Put on space suit, step outside of rocket on to the surface, collect soil and rock samples, return to laboratory, conduct tests on samples and report back to Houston giving us your "best guess" as to whether or not the Moon is adequate for terraforming.
The chimp clicks out of his file & runs off to do his duties. The redneck then sits in front of the computer and clicks on *his* file:-
1)....Feed the chimpanzee.
The husband types in "mypenis" as a password. The wife starts laughing uncontrollably, because on the screen, the computer says "Error. Not long enough".
He walks up to a brand new 50 inch flat screen television for $1.
Man - "Is that TV seriously $1?"
Owner - "Sure is, even comes with surround sound!"
Man - "What's the catch then?"
Owner - "Well the volume is stuck on high and it's always going to be loud."
Man - "Well I can't turn that down!"
She was watching porn, but I could tell from her facial expression she didn't enjoyed it. She more like despised it and probably thought I don't accept this, it cheapens women!". Β She looked so angry that I turned towards her and said If you don't like it, no-one is making you watch it. So please stop staring my screen.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Screen? Well, here are the best Screen dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Screen pick up lines to share with friends.