Screaming Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run!

His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, Does anyone know CPR?

I shouted, Hell, I know the whole alphabet.

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

What's the difference between my porn stash and Call of Duty?

One is full of screaming 10 year old boys and the other is Call of Duty.

friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex.

The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming!"

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a naked woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!

My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

A woman and her two snot nosed screaming kids walk into Walmart.

She's still wearing her pajamas and her hair looks like it hasn't been combed in days.

She is screaming and cussing at her kids when she is approached by an old man working as a door greater.

The greeter says "what lovely kids, are they twins"?

The woman replies "are you blind or just dumb? They are two years apart and look not a damn thing alike."

The man grins and says "No I just can't believe someone had sex with you twice"

Helping a friend.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced at 7.30 pm after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
Wife: The dishes are not done, the house is a mess, there is no grocery and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?
Husband: Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!

The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".

Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...

...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.

Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.

Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

I went on a rollercoaster and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming.

Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.

She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster.

She started running, so I started running.

She started screaming, so I started screaming.

I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from.

I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!"

I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."

She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.

Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"

It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

So today my wife was screaming Give it to me, I'm so wet! give it to me!

She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.

Swimming in the Ocean

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Sherlock's son tugs at his robe, screaming: "Daaad, dad!"

Sherlock looks at him and says: "Watson?"

True Friendship

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.

"My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

Legs Up

Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"

As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

I was on my way to the train station when some nutty street preacher started screaming, "You're going to hell, you're going to hell."

How the fuck did he know I was off to spend a week with my mother in law.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up...

...so I did. She began walking faster and faster so I did. She started running so I did. She started screaming so I did. I have no idea what we were running from but I was terrified.

My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick.

I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

A Man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner..

The man and woman both decide not to tell their children what kind of meat it is, but to let them guess instead.

After a moment of silence, the dad gives them a hint, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl begins screaming to her brother, "DON'T EAT IT, It's an asshole!!!"

I was trying to be a gentleman

And hold the door open for ladies.
But they kept screaming " get out, I'm peeing in here!"

An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Fidel Castro ...

... not screaming in terror, like his victims.

A woman was breastfeeding on the bus today

Suddenly, an old lady started yelling "how dare you do this in public!!", she kept on screaming and screaming, like "that's disgusting", "what a disgrace" etc...

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the time or place for a wank.

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"

Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...

Im so glad he found a good religious girl.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7.30 PM, after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
Wife: The dishes are not done, the house is a mess, there are no groceries and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?
Husband: Coz he's thinking of getting married, and I promised him a demo!

A man had a portal to a secret world in his house

Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm.
But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.

So I got in a car accident with a dwarf today...

As he stormed out of his car he banged on my window screaming, "I'm not happy!!"

To which I replied, "Well then which one are you?"

Two kids camping in the backyard

Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.

"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.

"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.

The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"

My sister is moaning and screaming because she's sick.

Good thing that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

Just heard this on the radio. May the censors have mercy on their soul. [NSFW]

On a Sunday school, the teacher asks the class: "Class, what body party goes to heaven first?"

One kid answers, "It's the feet!"

"Why is it the feet?" the confused teacher asks.

The kid replies, "Because last night I found Mommy with her feet in the air screaming 'Oh God yes...heaven...I'm coming!' "

My daughter came up to me and said

My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."

A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in panic like his passengers.

Two friends were having a conversation...

The first guy says "Man, my neighbors were up yelling and screaming at one in the morning."
"Ouch." says the other guy "Did they wake you up?"
"No. I was already up, playing my bagpipes."

A nun asked in church class, which part of the body comes to heaven first?!

So Johnny immediately replied: "Must be the legs!"
The nun is startled and asks: "Why do you think that, Johnny?"
And Johnny replies: "Last night I saw mom in bed with her legs in the air screaming "Oh, god... I'm coming!!!". If dad hadn't been pounding her to the bed so furiously, we would lose her forever!"

A ship is sailing through the sea...

passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.

A passenger asks the captain:

- Who is he?

- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

Chivalry Is Dead

They said chivalry is dead so I wanted to prove them wrong. I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "Asshole, I'm peeing in here!"

An American businessman was in Japan...

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

A woman in labour is screaming at her husband.

He says "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass."

"But Nooo, u thought THAT MIGHT HURT!"

A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced

When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:

"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"

"Because he's considering getting married"

I just sat my girlfriend down on the sofa and said, "There's something I need to do."

"What is it?" she asked, "You're scaring me."

I said, "I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore."

She immediately jumped up, punched me in the face and ran out of the house screaming, "Never talk to me again you bastard!!"

Fucking great.
Β£1500 this engagement ring cost me.

I once dated this german girl...

... who would rate our sex from 1-10.

One night we were experimenting with anal.

She starts screaming "NEIN NEIN NEIN"

I thought I was doing a pretty good job.

Woman in labor

A man is sitting with his wife in the hospital while she is in labor with his first child. While in labor, he hears her screaming, "Don't! Won't! Couldn't! Can't! Didn't!" The man then asks the doctor, "Why is she screaming those words?".
The doctor then replied, "She's having her contractions".

I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,

not screaming in terror like her passengers.

The girl I met last week said she wanted a guy who was "funny and spontaneous"

I showed up at her kitchen window late at night wearing a clown suit and suddenly it's all panic and screaming...

My brother took being sent to prison really badly.

He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.

That was the last time we played monopoly.

My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep

but the kids on his bus were screaming.

I got cursed out by a flight attendant for asking to be moved away from a screaming baby

Apparently they don't like that if it's your baby.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa.

Not screaming in terror, like the people on the back of his pick-up.

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

A woman in labor is screaming profanities at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO,
you said that might hurt!"

What are the funniest screaming jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Screaming? Well, here are the best Screaming puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Screaming pick up lines to share with friends.

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