Scratch Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...

...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...

They both

* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement

So last night I fell off my balcony...

Instead of falling and getting really badly hurt, I kinda just floated down to the ground... landing without a scratch.

The news spread fast and everyone was wondering how that happened. I was later asked to explain the whole event, but I couldn't. I guess I just didn't get the whole gravity of the situation.

Four across...

Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:

"A word, four across, ending with unt..."

The other man asks him:

"Well, what's the clue?"

He replies:

"It just says 'a woman,' that's all."


"Ah, yes it is!"

The man looks down, nodding in agreement. Across the carriage a feeble voice, the Priest.

"Can I borrow an eraser?"

The Cask of Amor-illado.

A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn't be given driver's licenses!

The woman sighs and points to the wreckage. Look at our cars. Completely destroyed, yet we are must be a sign from God. He's telling us the sexes should be compatible, and live in peace together.

Swayed by this profound sentiment, the man pauses and replies, "Maybe you're could be a sign from God. Then he shakes his head. You're still at fault in this accident! Women shouldn't be allowed to drive!

The woman smiles evenly and says, But look here--another miracle. Although my car was completely destroyed, this bottle of red wine escaped, uninjured. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together, to celebrate our good fortune.

With a generous nod, she hands the bottle to the man. The man shrugs, accepts the wine and drains half of it immediately--in one long, glorious draught. With a dramatic flourish, he passes the bottle back to his new spiritual companion. The woman puts the cap back on and drops it in her handbag, zipping it tightly.

The man glances at her. Aren't you having any?

No…think I'll just wait for the police...

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.

The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence.

That night, the kid prayed again. "God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma." He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off.

The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again.

"God bless mommy. Tata, daddy." He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said,

"Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"

How do you build a flea circus?

You have to start from scratch.

Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.

By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.

What do you call it when a woman gets mad at you on her period?

An ovary-action!

I'm sure someone must have told this before but I came up with it from scratch just now.

Jokes from glorious motherland USSR

A man is walking along the road wearing only one boot. 'Did you lose a boot?' a passerby asks sympathetically. 'No, I found one,' the man answers happily.

What is it that doesn't knock, growl or scratch the floor? A machine made in the USSR for knocking, growling, and scratching the floor.

It is the middle of the night. There is a knock at the door. Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door. 'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.'

A shopper asks a food store clerk, 'Are you all out of meat again?' 'No, they're out of meat in the store across the way. Here we're out of fish.'

Why doesn't the Soviet Union send people to the Moon? They are afraid they won't come back.

A man fell asleep on a bus. When someone stepped on his foot, he woke with a start and applauded. 'What are you doing, citizen?' 'I was dreaming I was at a meeting.'

'What is the difference between Pravda [Truth] and Izvestia [The News]?'
'There is no truth in The News, and no news in the Truth.'

A husband and wife are arguing...

"What would you do if I won the lottery?" he demands.

"I'd take half the money and be gone so fast you'd be dizzy," she replies.

"My scratch ticket won ten bucks. Here's five. Let me get the door."

If you want to be a good DJ...

You have to start from scratch

Thank you! I'm here all week!

A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.

"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want for it?"

"That's right, $50 and it's yours!"

"Excuse me for being nosy, ma'am, but why are you selling it so cheap? Is it stolen or something?"

"No, it's my husbands car. He ran off with his young secretary last month, and two days ago I got a telegram from him saying to sell the Corvette and send him the money!"

Do you like my scar?

I made it from scratch.

I can finally scratch "murdering an anonymous vagrant" off my bucket list.

I didn't do it, it just doesn't seem all that appealing anymore I guess.

Horrible Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

How do you make dandruff?

From scratch.

How do you get rid of an itch?

Start from scratch.

How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

LPT: If you crash into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..

simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.

Why did it take Mr. Cat so long to bake his cookies?

He made everything from scratch.

Why are cats the best learners?

Because they can always learn from scratch...

the invention of the shovel was ground breaking (short)

the invention of the shovel was ground breaking.
but the invention of the broom was the one that truly swept the nation.

- Scratch Farrell

What would George Washington do if he were alive right now?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

How do you make a witch scratch?

Remove the w

I wrote a program that figures out if soup is made from scratch or from a cube

It returns a bouillon Boolean.

How does a Tyrannosaurus Rex scratch it's junk?

It squats down on a Triceratops.

Two engineers are handling a prototype for a new cell phone that they worked on

First engineer: "There's no bezel and it's all made of glass, this thing is going to break so easily!"

Second engineer: "Are you saying that we should redesign this from scratch?!"

First engineer: "Well I think a good case could be made.."

How do you make a flea circus?

From scratch.

This one time, I went to prison, but I got out without a scratch-

I beat off all the other prisoners

The public pool had to be shut down because they found five drowned blondes in the deep end.

Some kid had put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom.

What would Lady Diana do if she were still alive?

Scratch the lid of her casket.

A family lives in the middle of nowhere...

Being in the middle of nowhere, they have pets. One day there dog starts to scratch more than usual and they taking him to the vet, fearing fleas.
The vet, after being told the situation, looks the dog over for a little bit and says, I think it's ticks actually. Go ahead and shave him right here and I'll show you why I think that.
So they shave the dog at the location indicated by the vet and they see these little tiny check marks that look like they're made by the world's tiniest sharpie.
See those? The vet says, Those are tick marks!

Apologies if this is a repost, haven't seen it on here yet and thought of it today at work.

When you put catnip in a scratching board to encourage cats to scratch it, you think it's cute when they use it.

But I would think that from their point of view, it's more like a crack addict that dropped a rock through a grate and is trying to get it back.

Paid to worry

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."

I saw a how-to page on record scratch and DJ techniques.

It was a wikki-wikki Wiki.

What do you call a sassy bumble bee that has to scratch it's nose?

A bee-itch

Lady: Am I going to be alright?

Doctor: Don't worry, it's just a scratch on your leg

Lady: Let me see

Doctor: Your leg is in the other ambulance

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin

Perks of dating the woman with the longest fingernails

You can get a hand job and a back scratch with one hand.

why does your skin turn red after you scratch it for some time?

Answer: I'm black, so I don't know the answer to this question.

If you scratch and sniff a Canadian dollar, you can smell maple syrup

If you scratch and sniff an American dollar, you can smell a stripper's pubic hair

Walked into the house, with winning scratch off ticket in hand..

Me: Honey! It finally happened! we won the lottery!

Wife: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.

Me: Your $8 is on the suitcase.

A blind man goes into a restaurant

They don't have any braille menus, so he tells the waitress "Just bring me a dirty fork. Whatever I smell on it, I'll order."

So the waitress goes and grabs a fork from the sink, not knowing that another waitress had just used it to scratch her behind. She hands it to the blind man who sniffs it and says, "I didn't know Rachel worked here!"

There's a car accident in a neighborhood

A guy in an old, beat up station wagon rear ends another guy in a brand new Porsche. Both drivers get out of their cars to inspect the damage and they see that the back of the Porsche is totaled but station wagon's front fender doesn't have a scratch on it.

The owner of the Porsche is livid with rage that this dolt hit him and wrecked his new car. So he goes into his car and comes back with a piece of chalk and a baseball bat. He draws a circle on the ground around the driver of the station wagon and tells him if he leaves that circle he'll beat him to death with the baseball bat.

Then the Porsche driver goes to town on the station wagon, getting all his fury out destroying the car. He bashes in the windows, dents up the hood, roof and sides and destroys all the lights. When he comes back to the driver of the station wagon he finds the guy rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Astonished, he asks the guy how he could be laughing so hard after his station wagon was just destroyed.

The guy stops laughing for a second and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle *two times*!"

Had scab soup today

made it from scratch.

So apparently Pun was a movie from 1998.

Wait, scratch that, it's actually a play on words.

I love how Canadian money is Scratch n Sniff!

American money is too, just not intentionally.

What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard?

A coin to scratch it with.

Scratch is the most versatile thing ever.

A lot of people are making a lot of stuff from scratch.

How do scratched dvds get around?

They skip

A man built a house on his own in two weeks from scratch, how'd he do it?

Builders crack

Everyone keeps bragging about making things from scratch...

but I still can't find a store that sells any.

What are lottery tickets made from?


What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream, and scratch at the lid of his coffin.

Plans are already underway for a Trump Library...

It's the first time a Presidential library will have *just* scratch and sniff books.

My cat is the opposite of a scratch n sniff sticker

First he sniffs me, then he starts stratching

A man walks into a bar

He's fine, just a scratch

Topical Jokes for 1/31

The CEO of McDonald's has announced he'll be resigning later this year. It's the first time in history that a McDonald's employee has quit and given more than five seconds notice.

The New Hampshire lottery is selling scratch 'n sniff tickets that smell like bacon. The aroma is there to remind people that if they didn't waste their money on lottery tickets, they could afford to eat bacon.

In Alabama, a truck driver caused a mile-long traffic jam when he swerved off the road while trying to pull out a loose tooth. Drivers slowed down to look, because people in Alabama had never seen someone who has a tooth.

Suge Knight is suspected of running a man over with his car after an argument. The argument was about whether or not there's a pumpkin-flavored Jelly Belly.

...running over someone with your car seems crazy, but you have to keep in mind that Suge Knight's motto is Live every day like it's 'The Purge.'

Why do people hate chicken scratch?

Because it's fowl language

What do you put on a pig when it has a scratch?


Why do Indian women have dots on their foreheads?

So their husband can scratch it off on at their wedding to see if he won a gas station, hotel, or a convenience store.

The kebab shop was closed so I had to make one myself from scratch...

It wasn't the gyro I deserved, but the gyro I kneaded...

My dvd got a scratch...

so i used sandpaper to smooth it out

What did the teacher say to the student when he made a clock from scratch?

This clock is da bomb!

I keep getting kicked out of museums...

Something about them not being scratch and sniff.

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff on the bottom of a lake.

What are the funniest scratch jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Scratch? Well, here are the best Scratch puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Scratch pick up lines to share with friends.

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