Scout Jokes

What are some Scout jokes?

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'

Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.

* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*

Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...

To help him, he hired a Native American scout.

The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.

After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.

He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

The scout replies, "Ear sticky".

When does a cub become a boy scout?

When he eats his first brownie

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.

Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?

Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

Why aren't there any fat girls on the boxes of girl scout cookies?

Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.

Lewis and Clark

Lewis and Clark were walking through Montana when they met an Indian scout who offered to help them hunt buffalo.

The scout took them out in the morning and put his ear to the ground. After a while, he said "Buffalo come."

Lewis asked the scout, "How do you know?"

The scout said, "Face sticky."

There's a plane crashing down...

On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to crash. Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."

Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.

The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.

The Prime Minister grabs a chute and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"

The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.

The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."

"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."

What did the boy scout do that the jewish boy couldn't

Come home from camp

Sex in a sleeping bag is horrible

It's really cramped, sweaty, too warm and then to top it all off you have the scout masters grubby hand over your mouth

A Boy Scout decided to start a business fixing horns on cars and trucks…

He called it "Beep Repaired."

A priest is walking through the woods at night

He is stopped by a policeman. The priest asks, "What seems to be the problem, officer?" The policeman replies, "A Boy Scout was abducted in the area, and we are looking for a potential child molester." The priest thinks for a second, and says, "I'll do it."

A guy takes his talking dog to a talent scout.

This dog can speak English, he claims to the unimpressed agent. Okay, Sport, the guys says to the dog, what's on the top of a house?

Roof! the dog replies.

Oh, come on… the talent agent responds. All dogs go 'roof'.

No, wait, the guy says. He asks the dog, What does sandpaper feel like?

Rough! the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. No, hang on, the guy says. This one will amaze you. He turns and asks the dog, Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?

Ruth! goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog turns to the guy and says, Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.

Waiting For Buffalo

Two early British explorers are navigating their way through the harsh Canadian wilderness with their trusty sidekick Two Bears. To scout for danger, Two Bears would occasionally stop and put his ear to the ground to check if Buffalo were nearby.

It had been weeks, and there were no buffalo to be found. They were surviving on meager rations. They really needed to find a buffalo to restock and feed their troupe. Two Bears would put his ear to the ground regularly, but still nothing.

One day, Two Bears put his ear to the ground. When he stood up, he had a smile on his face, and when he approached one of the head explorers, he excitedly said,

"Buffalo come!" The head explorer was ecstatic. He grabbed his gun and prepared for the hunt.

"How can you tell?"

"Ear sticky!"

The President, the First Lady, a boy scout and a pilot are on a plane.

(Not sure if this one has been submitted already)

Suddenly, a bird gets stuck in one of the engines, causing it to burst into flames. The pilot tells the passengers that the plane will crash, but there are only 3 parachutes on the plane.

The president grabs one and says, "I am the most important man in the country! The people need me!" and quickly jumps out of the plane.

The first lady grabs another parachute and says, "How will the president be able to manage his children without his wife?" and jumps out of the plane as well.

Now, only the boy scout and the pilot are on the plane. The pilot says, "You should go. You have more of your life ahead of you than I do. Go on and change the world."

The boy scout says, "We can both go, there are two parachutes left!"

"Huh? How is that possible? There were only 3 parachutes!"

"The president took my backpack. C'mon, lets go now!"

An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane.

The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash.

the pilot comes out and says "The plane is going down. Everyone for himself!" grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out.

The American says. "We're number 1 so i get to live" hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps out.

The Canadian looks at the boyscout and says "Im sorry things have to end this way... who gets the last parachute?"

The boyscout replies

"oh dont worry, the American grabbed my backpack"

My dad told me today that we're distantly related to the Fugarwii Tribe of Native Americans.

This tribe was nomadic, and would wander all over the continental US. Unfortunately, as a tribe, they had a terrible sense of direction and would often get horribly lost.
The Fugarwii had scouts who's soul purpose was to remedy this: they would scout about, find the tallest mountain they could, and scale the mountain to its peak.
Once there, they would look about with their hand over their eyes like a visor. Then, the lead scout would turn to face the others and say "where the Fugarwii"

Ruth! (not sure if repost)

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Captains Pants (one of my favorites)

One day, a scout on a small ship sees another equally sized ship on the horizon.

He tells the captain that the ship looks hostile, so the captain orders everyone on board to ready the cannons.

He then tells the scout to bring him his red shirt so that way his blood will not show and the men on board will continue to fight and not be afraid if he was injured.

After a long and weary battle, the day is won.

The very next day, 10 ships appear on the horizon, and the scout tells the captain.

The entire crew waits to here what he has to say.

Staring at the approaching ships the captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."

It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the sky so blue, their destination, Timbuktu." The second guy just sat there stunned. He knew he couldn't compete and was about to give up when inspiration struck. "Me and Tim a fishing went when we saw three ladies in a tent. They being three, and we being two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

A scout master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert? he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

Yes, Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you? asked the scout master.

Davey replied, A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.

Why is that, Davey? asked the scout master.

Well, answered Davey, the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration.

And what about the deck of cards? asked the scout master impatiently.

Davey replied, Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten.'

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jewish person?

The Boy Scout comes home from camp.
^First ^time ^posting ^on ^this ^sub ^don't ^know ^what's ^too ^offensive ^and ^what's ^not ^sorry.

Buffalo Hunt

Two Native American scouts are hunting buffalo in the Great Planes. One scout hops off of his horse and puts his face to the ground, closing his eyes in concentration.
"Buffalo come!", he exclaims as he lifts his head.
"Did you hear them?", asks the mounted scout.
"No," grunts the man, "face sticky."

My old Scout Master told me this one

"Don't take the blindfold off until I'm done"

What's black and blue and hates sex?

The boy scout in my trunk.

How was Boy Scout camp?

Intents

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa

They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."

The mathematician corrects him: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."

The computer scientist exclaims "Oh, no! A special case!"

What the diffrence between a boy scout and a jew?

The boy scout comes home from camp

What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

A girl scout that got hit by a car.

My scout friend recently passed away. He died doing what he loved

Tying knots

The difference between a Life Scout and an Eagle Scout.

A Life Scout is ready for anything. The Eagle Scout is ready for Murphy's Law.

A teen walks into a girl scout meeting.

They're learning how to tie different types of knots.

The girl says "Can I join you?"

They reply "Can you knot?"

I ate some Girl Scout Cookies that were way past their expiration date...

...and ended up with a nasty bout of samoanella.

A French General sees a German and sends a scout over a hill.

After a little bit, the general hears gunshots, and the scout does not return.
Angry, the general sends a squad over the hill. Once again, there are gunshots, and the squad doesn't return.
The general cursed and stomped the ground and sent a whole platoon over the hill. Yet again, a firefight is heard, and the platoon doesn't return.
Infuriated, the general sent his entire command over the hill. Tanks rolled over the hill and failed to return after a massive firefight ensued. A private crawled back over the hill with his legs on the other side of the hill and exclaimed "It's a trap! There are two Germans!"

The problem with girl scout cookies:

The problem with girl scout cookies: no matter how many I eat, I always want Samoa.

What are the first words Jared Fogle's girlfriend said to him?

"Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies, sir?"

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
My response was well do you still use condoms as birth control?

Why do the scouts always get coal from Santa?

Because they're all on the knotty list

This Girl Scout Cookie diet is really paying off...

...now I've got that "Samoan" figure

Chuck Norris jokes, let's go!

Chuck Norris eats girl scout cookies made out of real girl scouts.

What's the difference between a jew and...

...Do you know what's the difference between a jew and a boy scaut?

A boy scout comes back from a camp.

A Very Anxious Scout Was Tying Together Some Stuff

But he couldn't keep it together.

The bag of flour

While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.

Don't bother, young man, said the customer. It's self-raising.

So I've been tossing up between becoming a meteorologist or a scout master.

But I don't know weather or knot..

What do you say when a scout decides to prepare a backup meal after all?

He made a recon-side-ration

Why did the scout leader get arrested?

They caught him eating a brownie

I won the dirty joke contest at scout camp with this

What's the best thing about twenty-two year olds? There's twenty of them.

It's better said then written.

Why did the music industry talent scout take a course in game programming?

He thought it would help him with his hit detection.

My car horn hasn't worked for a long time.

Today, a Boy Scout fixed it and all he said was, "Beep repaired!"

My scout leader taught me a very valuable lesson...

... "If you lick your fingers and wet it a little, it will slide right in". Threading needles has never been this easy!

How to make Scout jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Scout to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Scout? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Scout pick up lines to share with friends.

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