The Best 68 Scottish Jokes

Following is our collection of Scottish jokes which are very funny. There are some scottish scot jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these scottish highland puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Scottish Jokes and Puns

Is it whisky?

Two Chinese men break into a Scottish Distillery. One turns to the other and says "is it whisky?". His accomplice turns to him and says "yes! But not as whisky as wobbing a bank".

3 paddys are out for dinner

English Paddy tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"

Scottish Paddy asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"

Irish Paddy says "pass me the milk

Cow."

A Scottish Sargent knocks on a whore-house door.

When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."

Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company Ho!"

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".


Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

Politican sees the scottish barber

A politician went to his Scottish barber and asked, "Cut the word 'yes' into my haircut in back so when I sleep they'll know my vote.".

A week later he comes back and asks, "What did you do? My wife stopped cheating, and I've now got a reputation for looking out for corruption."

Barber says, "Well ye do have an 'aye' in the back of yer head."

So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend....

She goes, "How many other girls have you had sex with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep.

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..

First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"

Second fella says "A kilt of course!"

First fella "What's the tartin?"

"She's wearing white" says his pal

An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy

An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"

David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote...

David: "Hi mate just checking in, u k?"

You can explore scottish glasgow reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean scottish brogue dad jokes. There are also scottish puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do you call a Scottish shepherd?

"Pimp."

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.

A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.

"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

Why did Scottish baby sneeze?

It got week old.

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?

I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

What's big, Scottish, and depressing?

Scotland.

I took a Scottish girl to the countryside.

"Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.

I said, "I love you too..."

What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?

Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'

The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'


Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill?

Because he was dead

If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense.

The German side says "Build a wall!"

The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

I'm Scottish and my son is marrying a Jewish girl.

I'm afraid their kids will leave me penniless.

A Scottish man walks store...

He asked for 15 litres of the best whiskey the clerk has. "Did you bring a container for this?" The clerk asks. "You're speaking to it."

A Scottish bouncer walks into his local pub...

...and the bartender says:

"We could have used you in here last night, we had that Spanish actor from that Coen brothers film in, smashing the place up."

"Oh, Javier Bardem?"

"No. We just kicked him out."

A British, Irish and Scottish went to a bar

The British wanted to leave so they all had to go.

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

Did you hear about the scottish drag queen?

He wore pants.

Scottish boy asks his dad about Islam

Son: "Ey dad, what is Islam?"

Dad: "Oh, well Sunni, it's a Shiite religion"

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear?

He kilt himself

A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student.

"Nice skies, Finnish lass!"

What's the difference between a rolling stone and a Scottish shepherd?

One says, "hey, you! Get off of my cloud!"

The other says, "hey Macleod! Get off of my ewe!"

Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

So they don't scare the sheep with the sound of a zipper.

Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"

Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"

The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?

The bartender.

What do the Scottish people wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear the sound of zippers from far away.

A pair of Scottish nuns were riding in a cab in Edinburgh, and one turned to the other saying, "I've never come this way before." The other nun smiled and said...

"Aye, it's the cobblestones."

There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true!

I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

What is the favorite appetizer of scottish people?

Gaelic Bread

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...

I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:

"Ahm gettin married next week."

"Are ye wearin a kilt?"

"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."

"Wha's the tartin?"

"She's in a whit dress."

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

Asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts

He replied 'the last guy that called it skirt, got kilt'

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn't understand.

A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. Asο»Ώ they were talking he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?"

They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered atο»Ώ him and said "It's Wales, you idiot."
"Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

What version of the Rolling Stones' "Hey You, Get Off of My Cloud" is played on Scottish Radio?

Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!

Did you hear what happened to the Scottish soldier?

He was kilt in action.

I once asked a Scottish man...

What's under a kilt?

He didn't miss a beat. On a good day,

He said, lipstick.

Did you know the Scottish invented condoms?

They would use the intestines of sheep as a contraceptive.
The English then refined the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first.

What do you call a Scottish dude giving another dude a rimjob?

A gaelic

An English man, Scottish man, and a Irish man were about to be executed by the firing squad.

They put the Englishman against the wall, when he says
"EARTH QUAKE!".
The firing squad start panicking, whilst the English man runs off.
They put the Scottish man against the wall, when he says
"FLOOD!".
The firing squad start panicking more, whilst he also runs off.
They put the Irish man against the wall, when he says
"FIRE!"

A lot of people though Mel Gibson was a bad choice for Braveheart. They said there was no way he could be Scottish.

But look at him now, he's an alcoholic and he's racist.

A Scottish priest finds a dead pig.

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the side of the road. So he calls the police to inform them.

A cocky sergeant answers the call.
"Did ye read him his last rites?" the sergeant smirked

"Naw." replies the priest. "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first!"

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police.

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police. They find 3 sacks and hide in them. The police man approaches the sacks and kicks the first one. The English man barks like a dog. The police man kicks the next one and the Scottish man screams like a cat. The policeman kicks the next one and the Irish man says "sack of potatoes".

What did the Scottish man say when he misplaced his drink at a party ?

Where did my Glasgow?

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?

The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland? One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It's Wales you fool! So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

cr

Have you heard the one about the gay Scottish couple?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

A Scottish lass inquired to a man wearing a kilt "Is it true what that say about what's underneath a man's kilt?"

"Place your hand beneath and see for yourself' replied he. She obliged and cried out "Sir, that's gruesome!" He said "If you place your hand back again, you'll find it's gruesome more!"

You'll only get this if you're Scottish

(Came up with this when I was 8. Let's just say that I don't think it's as good as I thought it was all those years ago!)

What did the sandwich aliens say when they landed on Earth?

"We come in a piece."

Why do the Scottish wear kilts

The sheep can hear zippers miles away

Ok, time to see if a Scottish joke translates...

Two cows are standing in a field, which one is going on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

Why are the scottish mean?

They 'ave rage

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

What do you call a boy that's half Scottish and half French?

A oui lad

A Week Off

A Scottish man is at home because he had a week off, his wife asked, 'Why are you still at home, its 1pm?' He answered, 'I have a week off.' She then replied, 'Get well soon!'

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in Scotland some sheep are black'

'Actually' said the mathematician 'all we know is that in Scotland there is a field in which there is a sheep, one side of which is black'

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the scottish englishmen jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working scottish scottsman piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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