Scottish Jokes

148 scottish jokes and hilarious scottish puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scottish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of Scottish jokes. From short jokes to puns, we've got all the funnies you need to get through the day.

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Funniest Scottish Short Jokes

Short scottish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scottish humour may include short kilts jokes also.

  1. I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier... He made me an offer I couldn't understand.
  2. American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
    Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"
  3. There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!
  4. A pair of Scottish nuns were riding in a cab in Edinburgh, and one turned to the other saying, "I've never come this way before." The other nun smiled and said... "Aye, it's the cobblestones."
  5. New Scottish First Minister just promised to renew negotiations for independence No matter what happens, I'm sure the English will walk out scot-free
  6. Asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts He replied 'the last guy that called it skirt, got kilt'
  7. I took a Scottish girl to the countryside. "Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.
    I said, "I love you too..."
  8. Why do scottish people sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password? Because they Kenny Loggin.
  9. If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense. The German side says "Build a wall!"
    The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"
  10. What do the Scottish people wear kilts? Because sheep can hear the sound of zippers from far away.

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Scottish One Liners

Which scottish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scottish? I can suggest the ones about bagpipes and whisky.

  1. Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
  2. Frog DNA... A frog got his DNA test back.
    He's part Scottish, part Irish and a tad Pole.
  3. What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas? A Wii fit
  4. What's big, Scottish, and depressing? Scotland.
  5. Why did Scottish baby sneeze? It got week old.
  6. Did you hear about the scottish drag queen? He wore pants.
  7. Why are the scottish mean? They 'ave rage
  8. Why do the Scottish wear kilts The sheep can hear zippers miles away
  9. What do you call a boy that's half Scottish and half French? A oui lad
  10. Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead
  11. Why do the Scottish wear kilts? So they don't scare the sheep with the sound of a zipper.
  12. Just broke up with my Scottish girlfriend Alas
  13. What is the favorite appetizer of scottish people? Gaelic Bread
  14. What do you call a Scottish dwarf clairvoyant on the run from prison? A wee free seer
  15. What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear? He kilt himself

Scottish Kilt Jokes

Here is a list of funny scottish kilt jokes and even better scottish kilt puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
    The sheep in the field learned to run when they heard a zipper...
  • I once asked a Scottish man... What's under a kilt?
    He didn't miss a beat. On a good day,
    He said, lipstick.
  • How did the judge understand that the defendant is Scottish? He admitted his kilt.
  • Why is the Scottish national garb called the kilt? Because if you call it a skirt where they can hear you, you get kilt.
  • Scottish Sutherland Vertical Launch facility will not launch manned flights. Their afraid the astronauts might get kilt.
  • Did you hear what happened to the Scottish soldier? He was kilt in action.
  • What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize? Kilt tubers with won stone.
  • You should never trust a Scottish tailor. It'll get you kilt.
  • Did you hear about that Scottish guy who died? He was kilt.
  • Scottish Joke: After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt... "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
    "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

Scottish Sheep Jokes

Here is a list of funny scottish sheep jokes and even better scottish sheep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know the Scottish invented condoms? They would use the intestines of sheep as a contraceptive.
    The English then refined the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first.
  • Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
  • Why did the Scottish guy break up with his sheep? He didnt want to be in the EU/EWE any longer!
  • Why did the Scottish researcher decide to clone a sheep? He wanted their love to last forever
  • How do you know Sia is Scottish? Because she loves sheep thrills!
    *shows self out
  • How did the Scottish man find the sheep in the tall grass? Surprisingly pleasing.
  • What does a Scottish sheep say? Bhaaaaaaaaaaa
  • A Scottish man released a love song for his wife It's called for the sheep
  • So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend.... She goes, "How many other girls have you had s**... with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep.
  • Why did the restless Scottish man have a w**...? Because he was counting sheep!
Scottish joke, Why did the restless Scottish man have a w**...?

Scottish English Jokes

Here is a list of funny scottish english jokes and even better scottish english puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My background is English, Irish, and Scottish. Ask me again why I have so much inner conflict.
  • English kid: Miss, I need a wee! His Scottish teacher: A wee what, lad?
  • I'm so Scottish... I'm so Scottish, I'm 50% English
  • My friend told me that I should learn more languages I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.
  • 3 paddys are out for dinner English p**... tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"
    Scottish p**... asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"
    Irish p**... says "pass me the milk

Scottish Women Jokes

Here is a list of funny scottish women jokes and even better scottish women puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I like my women how I like my whisky 12 years old and Scottish
  • I like my women like I like my whiskey.... Over 18, single & either Irish or Scottish
Scottish joke, I like my women like I like my whiskey....

Entertaining Scottish Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

What funny jokes about scottish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ewe jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make scottish pranks.

Is it whisky?

Two Chinese men break into a Scottish Distillery. One turns to the other and says "is it whisky?". His accomplice turns to him and says "yes! But not as whisky as wobbing a bank".

A Scottish Sargent knocks on a w**...-house door.

When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company h**...!"

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

What's the difference between m**... Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?

m**... Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

Politican sees the scottish barber

A politician went to his Scottish barber and asked, "Cut the word 'yes' into my haircut in back so when I sleep they'll know my vote.".
A week later he comes back and asks, "What did you do? My wife stopped cheating, and I've now got a reputation for looking out for corruption."
Barber says, "Well ye do have an 'aye' in the back of yer head."

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..

First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"
Second fella says "A kilt of course!"
First fella "What's the tartin?"
"She's wearing white" says his pal

An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy

An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"

David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote...

David: "Hi mate just checking in, u k?"

Talented Octopus

A man walks into a bar with and octopus under his arms. He then stands up on the bar and shouts for everyone inside to hear. "I will bet anyone here 200 dollars that this octopus can play any instrument you give it". Everyone is a buzz and the bartender hands him a guitar that was hanging on the wall. The Octopus takes the guitar and strums on it with great enthusiasm and plays a beautiful arrangement. Another man pulls a harmonica out of his pocket and again, the octopus plays it superbly. A jazz band hands him all of there instruments and the octopus plays them all with amazing skill. Then, a Scottish man wearing a kilt comes up to the octopus and hands it his bagpipes. The octopus, looks at it confusingly then begins to fumble with the instrument. "Ay, you can't play er, can ye" The Scotsman says with a thick accent. The octopus responds "Play her? I'm going to screw her as soon as I get these pajamas off"

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a c**....
The c**... has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the c**... into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

What do you call a Scottish shepherd?


A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.
A c**... sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

What is globalization?

Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a
Canadian, using
Bill Gates' technology which he got from the
And you are probably reading this on
one of the IBM clones that use
Philippine-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries
driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally
sold to you by a Chinese!

What's the difference between m**... Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?

m**... Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'
The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many s**... partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

I'm Scottish and my son is marrying a Jewish girl.

I'm afraid their kids will leave me penniless.

A Scottish man walks store...

He asked for 15 litres of the best whiskey the clerk has. "Did you bring a container for this?" The clerk asks. "You're speaking to it."

A Scottish bouncer walks into his local pub...

...and the bartender says:
"We could have used you in here last night, we had that Spanish actor from that Coen brothers film in, smashing the place up."
"Oh, Javier Bardem?"
"No. We just kicked him out."

A British, Irish and Scottish went to a bar

The British wanted to leave so they all had to go.

Scottish boy asks his dad about Islam

Son: "Ey dad, what is Islam?"
Dad: "Oh, well Sunni, it's a Shiite religion"

Did you hear the one about the Scottish guy who loved haggis?

It was offal.

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

What do you call a Scottish lady that wears nothing but a tie?


A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student.

"Nice skies, Finnish lass!"

What's the difference between a rolling stone and a Scottish shepherd?

One says, "hey, you! Get off of my cloud!"
The other says, "hey Macleod! Get off of my ewe!"

Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"
Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"
The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?
The bartender.

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...

I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:
"Ahm gettin married next week."
"Are ye wearin a kilt?"
"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."
"Wha's the tartin?"
"She's in a w**... dress."

My Scottish friend doesn't take good care of his teeth

He has ginger-vitis

A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?"

They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot."
"Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

What version of the Rolling Stones' "Hey You, Get Off of My Cloud" is played on Scottish Radio?

Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!

What do you call a Scottish dude giving another dude a r**...?

A gaelic

An English man, Scottish man, and a Irish man were about to be executed by the firing squad.

They put the Englishman against the wall, when he says
The firing squad start panicking, whilst the English man runs off.
They put the Scottish man against the wall, when he says
The firing squad start panicking more, whilst he also runs off.
They put the Irish man against the wall, when he says

A lot of people though Mel Gibson was a bad choice for Braveheart. They said there was no way he could be Scottish.

But look at him now, he's an alcoholic and he's racist.

A Scottish priest finds a dead pig.

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the side of the road. So he calls the police to inform them.
A c**... sergeant answers the call.
"Did ye read him his last rites?" the sergeant smirked
"Naw." replies the priest. "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first!"

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police.

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police. They find 3 sacks and hide in them. The police man approaches the sacks and kicks the first one. The English man barks like a dog. The police man kicks the next one and the Scottish man screams like a cat. The policeman kicks the next one and the Irish man says "sack of potatoes".

What did the Scottish man say when he misplaced his drink at a party ?

Where did my Glasgow?

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?
The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland? One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It's Wales you fool! So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

Have you heard the one about the gay Scottish couple?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

A Scottish lass inquired to a man wearing a kilt "Is it true what that say about what's underneath a man's kilt?"

"Place your hand beneath and see for yourself' replied he. She obliged and cried out "Sir, that's gruesome!" He said "If you place your hand back again, you'll find it's gruesome more!"

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you b**... idiot!"
So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.

A Week Off

A Scottish man is at home because he had a week off, his wife asked, 'Why are you still at home, its 1pm?' He answered, 'I have a week off.' She then replied, 'Get well soon!'

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.
'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'
'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in Scotland some sheep are black'
'Actually' said the mathematician 'all we know is that in Scotland there is a field in which there is a sheep, one side of which is black'

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free

It's about b**... time.

The Scotsman

A Scotsman was walking down the street in his traditional Scottish attire when he saw a couple of women talking and giggling,
As he approached one of the women asked " is it true the you dont wear anything under your kilt?"
"Aye, why dont you have a peek and find out for yourself"
So the woman lifted his kilt just enough to see his "business" and said "oh thats gruesome"
The Scotsman replied "I think if you'll check again, you'll see its grew some more"
First post, heard this in a song recently, got a good chuckle from it personally
I think it helps to read with a Scottish accent

A Scottish man's daughter comes home from college.

She says "Dad, I've decided to become a p**...." The dad says "Yes, I know, and that's okay. I've already heard about that from your boyfriend, and I almost had a heart attack, because, at first I thought he said Protestant."

A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says "excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?

To which the baker replies No you're right enough it's a doughnut"

A Scottish man walks into a bakery.

He asks the baker "is that a cake or a meringue"
The baker replies "Nah, you're right mate"

Scottish joke, A Scottish man walks into a bakery.

jokes about scottish