Scott Jokes

125 scott jokes and hilarious scott puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scott that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the best, worst and most hilarious jokes from Michael Scott, the beloved and sometimes cringe-worthy character from the hit comedy show The Office, as well as the other characters such as Hardin Scott, Geoff, Greg and Jeffery.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Scott Short Jokes

Short scott jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scott humour may include short referendum jokes also.

  1. My friends Scott and Ruth broke up after a long-term relationship. He's now ruthless and she got off, scott free.
  2. Scott Pruitt has resigned to focus more on his true passion.. Throwing uncut plastic soda rings into the ocean.
  3. Have you heard? Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Scott, and Justine Musk are starting their own rocket company! They are calling it Space-Ex's and their rockets are guaranteed to go pren-up up up.
  4. I don't get it..Travis Scott is trash, but it seems everyone is dying to see him live Whoops.
  5. Why do elevator operators hate Scott Stapp from Creed? He keeps asking them if they can take him higher.
  6. What does Travis Scott and the band on the titanic have in common? Even when people are dying the show must go on
  7. My sister just found out that the Travis Scott concert she got tickets to has been cancelled She's crushed
  8. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it... Then Scott Pruitt's environmental plan is working.
  9. What's the difference between Bill Cosby and an Epstein victim? One got off scott-free, and the other got off Jeffrey
  10. My mum said to me, "can you please pass me a book mark?" Absolutely broken. 25 years old and she doesn't know my name is Scott.

Share These Scott Jokes With Friends

Scott One Liners

Which scott one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scott? I can suggest the ones about morn and pubs.

  1. F Scott Fitzgerald ...and F the Great Gatsby as well.
  2. What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready? He goes Sickle Mode
  3. My three sons are gonna hate me... once I name them Prescott, Scott, and Postscott
  4. What is Captain Kirk's favorite brand of paper products? Scott
  5. Protesters pulled down a statue of Francis Scott Key last weekend Francis Got Keystered.
  6. Scott Pruitt steps down as head of the EPA today Scott blew it.
  7. I have 5 uncles. Scott, Daniel, Bob, Tate, And the one that works at Nintendo.
  8. Golfer Adam Scott's wife had a baby today It was a cesarean
    But he didn't make the cut.
  9. Travis Scott went to the Soviet Union He went sickle mode
  10. What did Travis Scott say about the candle he saw? It's lit.
  11. The Australian government Scott Morrison won this round of musical chairs, who's next?
  12. Why does Michael Scott hate Hamlet? Toby or not Toby
  13. My mum calls me Scott, but my friends call me when they want something
  14. By now, I'm pretty sure Scott Weiland was right. He's half the man he used to be.
  15. Skert Sterpp Scott Stapp pronouncing his own name.

Michael Scott Jokes

Here is a list of funny michael scott jokes and even better michael scott puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did Michael Scott say when the doctor prescribed him ibuprofen? That's what she NSAID!
  • The office is such a good show that sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be led by Michael Scott Maybe that's how America got here
  • Michael Scott from "The Office" is opening a bakery. It's called Dunder Muffin.
  • Why did Michael Bay jump off a bridge? Cause Tony Scott did it first.

Scott Weiland Jokes

Here is a list of funny scott weiland jokes and even better scott weiland puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • By now, Scott Weiland must be right. He's half the man he used to be.
  • Scott Weiland: Found dead and bloated
  • What weighs 12lbs and won't be getting plucked this Christmas Scott Weilands guitar
Scott joke, What weighs 12lbs and won't be getting plucked this Christmas

Scott Fitzgerald Jokes

Here is a list of funny scott fitzgerald jokes and even better scott fitzgerald puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I keep seeing references to F. Scott Fitzgerald. I don't know who this Scott Fitzgerald fellow is but he sure angered a lot of people.
  • I forgot who wrote The Great Gatsby so I asked my English teacher... What did Scott Fitzgerald ever do to him?
Scott joke, I forgot who wrote The Great Gatsby so I asked my English teacher...

Great Scott Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about scott you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean resigned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make scott pranks.

Q: How Do You Tell 2 Scottsmen Apart?

A: You lift their kilts, and whichever one has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!!

A Scottish Sargent knocks on a w**...-house door.

When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company h**...!"

So a scottish man walks up to the bar

And the barman says "Sir, did you know you have a steering wheel in your trousers?" The man looks down for a moment, then back to the bartender. "Aye, it's driving me nuts."

I need your best Scottish joke, asap! Scottish stepdad's birthday today.

I need a good Scottish joke or two to make fun of his primitive Tartan wearin' bagpipe blowin' and Braveheart barbarian culture.
Preferably, the joke will make fun of Scots as a bunch of useless drunkards subjugated by the English.
This is becoming a bit of a birthday tradition so give me your best!

Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

Why did Scotty check all the toilets of the Starship Enterprise?

He was looking for the Captain's log.

5.5 Quake Shakes L.A.

Every 20 years or so, a large earthquake rattles Los Angeles as a result of the tremendous buildup of pressure in every Angeleno to talk about something other than show business.
~ Scott Miller

So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend....

She goes, "How many other girls have you had s**... with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep.

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..

First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"
Second fella says "A kilt of course!"
First fella "What's the tartin?"
"She's wearing white" says his pal

What's a Scottish t**...'s favourite drink?

Mango Lassi

Two Scottish cows in a field, what one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

Tough choice in Florida governor's race...

Charlie Crist and Rick Scott are standing at opposite ends of a theater when both men spontaneously burst into flames and there's only one fire extinguisher in the entire building!
Where would you hide the fire extinguisher?

Today in the stock market...

Feathers are down, while escalators have continued on their slow decline. The market for raisins has dried up. Scott Tissue reached a new bottom, while paper remained stationary. There is is some good news, however: helium is up, and elevators rose, as well.

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a c**....
The c**... has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the c**... into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.
A c**... sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

Why did Scottish baby sneeze?

It got week old.

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.

Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

I took a Scottish girl to the countryside.

"Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.
I said, "I love you too..."

NASA's Scott Kelly is back on Earth after spending a year in space

He found out how many states Trump won and left again

I'm Scottish and my son is marrying a Jewish girl.

I'm afraid their kids will leave me penniless.

A Scottish man walks store...

He asked for 15 litres of the best whiskey the clerk has. "Did you bring a container for this?" The clerk asks. "You're speaking to it."

Why did the Scottish guy break up with his sheep?

He didnt want to be in the EU/EWE any longer!

A Scottish bouncer walks into his local pub...

...and the bartender says:
"We could have used you in here last night, we had that Spanish actor from that Coen brothers film in, smashing the place up."
"Oh, Javier Bardem?"
"No. We just kicked him out."

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

Scottish boy asks his dad about Islam

Son: "Ey dad, what is Islam?"
Dad: "Oh, well Sunni, it's a Shiite religion"

What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear?

He kilt himself

Doc Brown and Marty are watching the news

The newscaster announces "Due to a large string of worker protests in the United States the price of cheese has gone up 200%"
Doc Brown: "Grate, Scott!"

If the Scottish started to colonize North America before the British...

Could I say that the Scott Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock?

How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb?

There can be only one.

A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student.

"Nice skies, Finnish lass!"

Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

So they don't scare the sheep with the sound of a zipper.

Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"
Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"
The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?
The bartender.

What do the Scottish people wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear the sound of zippers from far away.

What did the Scottish ambulance driver say when his mother died?

Me maw! Me maw! Me maw!

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...

I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:
"Ahm gettin married next week."
"Are ye wearin a kilt?"
"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."
"Wha's the tartin?"
"She's in a w**... dress."

My Scottish friend doesn't take good care of his teeth

He has ginger-vitis

Why do the Scotts wear kilts?

Because in the Highlands, sheep can hear zippers for *miles*.

This old Scottish friend of mine has saved every toothbrush he has used since childhood!

He even puts them both out on display occassionaly.

Scott Baio is Boycotting d**...'s Sporting Goods Because of the Ban on AR-15s

d**...'s had to find a cashier to replace him on short notice

What does an undocumented Mexican immigrant have in common with a pirated Ridley Scott movie?

Both are an i**... Alien.

Did you know the Scottish invented condoms?

They would use the intestines of sheep as a contraceptive.
The English then refined the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first.

Scottish Joke: After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt...

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

A Scottish Trip

"Da, why can't we just take a ferry to France for vacation?"
"Just shut up with year nagging and keep on swimming son."

How can you tell the Scottish are always angry?

Even their flag is cross

A Scottish priest finds a dead pig.

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the side of the road. So he calls the police to inform them.
A c**... sergeant answers the call.
"Did ye read him his last rites?" the sergeant smirked
"Naw." replies the priest. "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first!"

What did the Scottish man say when he misplaced his drink at a party ?

Where did my Glasgow?

A Scottish lass inquired to a man wearing a kilt "Is it true what that say about what's underneath a man's kilt?"

"Place your hand beneath and see for yourself' replied he. She obliged and cried out "Sir, that's gruesome!" He said "If you place your hand back again, you'll find it's gruesome more!"

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

What does a Scottish swordsman call his p**...?


Why do the Scottish call kilts a kilt and not a skirt?

The last person to call it a skirt got kilt.

You'll only get this if you're Scottish

(Came up with this when I was 8. Let's just say that I don't think it's as good as I thought it was all those years ago!)
What did the sandwich aliens say when they landed on Earth?
"We come in a piece."

Why do the Scottish wear kilts

The sheep can hear zippers miles away

Why are the scottish mean?

They 'ave rage

George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott l**... walk into a bar

I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.

John, Bob, Tim, and Scott rob a bank.

John is the getaway driver who waits in the lot. Bob disables the alarms, Tim unlocks the safe, and Scott is able to locate the marked bills. Bob and Tim leave the bank and John drives them away.
They got off Scott-free.

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car
Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?
Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .
Guy : Leave it bro, it was my fault.

George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss and Scott l**... walk into a bar

I'll finish writing this joke later

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free

It's about b**... time.

A Scottish man's daughter comes home from college.

She says "Dad, I've decided to become a p**...." The dad says "Yes, I know, and that's okay. I've already heard about that from your boyfriend, and I almost had a heart attack, because, at first I thought he said Protestant."

What did one doughnut say to the other... look a little glazed

A Scottish man walks into a bakery.

He asks the baker "is that a cake or a meringue"
The baker replies "Nah, you're right mate"

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
The sheep in the field learned to run when they heard a zipper...

Two scottish girls

Two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.
Bartender said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
"Oh, I am terribly sorry about that", says the bartender
"So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.

The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom

Scott joke, Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They

jokes about scott