Scotsmen Jokes
31 scotsmen jokes and hilarious scotsmen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scotsmen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Scotsmen Short Jokes
Short scotsmen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scotsmen humour may include short kilt jokes also.
- Two Scotsmen walk past a baker One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'
The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake' - Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away. - What's the difference between a Scotsmen and The Rolling Stones? The Rolling Stones would yell 'Hey! You! Get offa mah cloud!"
But a Scotsmen would tell 'Hey! McCloud! Get offa mah EWE!' - Speaking of scotsmen, I asked one if anything is worn under the kilt... He said "Nay ya wee bairn, everything's in fine an' workin' order!"
- Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because the sheep learned to run away when they heard a zipper open...
- Up in Heaven... Scotsmen are all like "Hey yoo, get off m' cloud!"
On Earth, it's "Hey MacLeod, get off m' ewe!" - From now on, let's remember September 11, 2014. The day the U.K lost 5.3 million scotsmen.
Share These Scotsmen Jokes With Friends
Scotsmen One Liners
Which scotsmen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scotsmen? I can suggest the ones about aye and bagpipes.
- Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.
- Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers a mile off.
- Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? ...because sheep run at the sound of a zipper
- Why to Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away...
- Why do Scotsmen drink so much? To slur their speech enough to do the accent.
- Did you hear the one about three Scotsmen who walk out of a bar? It could happen..
- Why do scotsmen wear kilts? Zippers scare the sheep
- 2 Scotsmen are 69ing. What are their names? Patrick FitzGerald and Gerald FitzPatrick.
- Why do Scotsmen screw their sheep by the side of a cliff? Because they push back harder.
- Why won't Scotsmen drink tap water? They're lochtose intolerant.
- What do you call a group of Scotsmen in traditional dress? A kilt club.
- What will happen if somebody were to kill all Scotsmen? They will get off scot-free.
- What do you call two gay Scotsmen? Ben Dover and Phil Mcrakkin
Laughter Scotsmen Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about scotsmen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lads jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make scotsmen pranks.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear the sound of a fly being undone.
(Recycled the joke from Mordecai Richler's "Barney's Version". It's a very good read with lots of content to laugh at if you have the time)
Two scotsmen walk into a bar.
The second they open the door, they immediately collapse on the floor and start heaving. The bartender comes over and asks what's wrong. They both reply that they have been walking for several weeks, without rest. the bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" the scotsmen reply, "just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door"
