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Scots Jokes

84 scots jokes and hilarious scots puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scots that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the unique humor of Scotland! Read our selection of Scots Jokes: from the humorous to the irreverent, their connection to the English Irish, the Scots Kilt and more. Learn why the Loch, Highlands, and tartan all make for great laughs!

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Popular Scots Short Jokes

Short scots jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scots humour may include short wales jokes also.

  1. There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!
  2. New Scottish First Minister just promised to renew negotiations for independence No matter what happens, I'm sure the English will walk out scot-free
  3. What's the difference between a German and a Scot? The German knows when he's not speaking English.
  4. A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!" News headline the next morning:
    IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB
  5. Why are Scots the toughest guys in the world? They wear kilts in a country where thistles grow waist-high.
  6. Scots vs English Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Cause sheep can hear a zipper at 50 yards.
    Why do the English wear trousers? Cause goats are deaf.
  7. The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?
  8. An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman walk into a pub... They each enjoyed a pint and shared some laughs. It was a great night.
  9. A fellow was boasting that he was born an Englishman and would die an Englishman. A passing Scot overheard and stopped to ask,
    "Dear God, man, have ye no ambition?!"
  10. The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum... So the english are going to get away scot free!

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Scots One Liners

Which scots one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scots? I can suggest the ones about accent and .

  1. how many Scots does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ACH! It's nae THAT dark in here.
  2. Why do the Scots wear kilts? Sheep run away when they hear a zipper.
  3. Do you know how copper wire was invented? Two Scots fought over the same penny.
  4. How many Scots didn't turn up to vote? One in Fife
  5. Based on the Scotland vote results... It looks like the UK didn't get off Scot-free.
  6. Why did they execute William Wallace? They couldn't let him go Scot free.
  7. How did the Scot die? He got kilt.
  8. The problem with Scotland is .... It's full of Scots.
  9. What do you say to a girl from Glasgow hitting on you? Begone SCOT!
  10. What does a hermaphroditic scot wear? A polysporran.
  11. What is a Fascist Scot called? A NatScot
  12. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot Don't get on well.
  13. What did the Scot say after shaggy his sheep? I love ewe!
  14. What will happen if somebody were to kill all Scotsmen? They will get off scot-free.
  15. What time does Sean Connery play a game of tennis? (Scots accent put on) Tenn-ish

Scots Kilt Jokes

Here is a list of funny scots kilt jokes and even better scots kilt puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A lady walks up to a Scot... A lady walks up to a Scot wearing a kilt and asks... 'Is anything worn under the kilt?'
    'No', he said. 'It's all in perfect condition'.
  • Woman to Scotsman: What do you wear under your kilt? Scot: Put your hand up and feel.
    Woman: Oh! It's gruesome
    Scot: Put your hand up again, it's gruesome more!
Scots joke, Woman to Scotsman: What do you wear under your kilt?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about scots can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of scots puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Gather Around for Heartwarming Scots Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about scots you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make scots prank.

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

A Scot finished making love with a woman, and heads to the bathroom.

She sees him remove and wash off his c**.... She says, "You Scots certainly are cheap b**...!"
The guy responds, "Hey, I have to clean it. It belongs to the club!"

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear the sound of a fly being undone.
(Recycled the joke from Mordecai Richler's "Barney's Version". It's a very good read with lots of content to laugh at if you have the time)

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.
Retweaked joke:
How does a (insert nationality here) find a sheep in the tall grass?
Very (insert extremely lustful emotion here)!

I need your best Scottish joke, asap! Scottish stepdad's birthday today.

I need a good Scottish joke or two to make fun of his primitive Tartan wearin' bagpipe blowin' and Braveheart barbarian culture.
Preferably, the joke will make fun of Scots as a bunch of useless drunkards subjugated by the English.
This is becoming a bit of a birthday tradition so give me your best!

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?

If it's a good day lipstick

A Scotsman is at a bar..

A woman at the bar looks on in interest at his kilt, noticing this he yells at her "You can put your hand up there if ya like!"
She can't contain her curiosity, and upon sliding her hand up his kilt she shrieks "Oh it's gruesome!"
He chuckles,
"Put your hand up again lass, It's grew some more!!"

A Scotsman goes into a bar...

Sits at the table and orders 4 pints of Innis & Gunn.
Waiter says: 4 pints?
Aye, me lads have all moved away and we toast each other by drinking a pint for each of us.
A few days later he comes back in and orders 3 pints.
The waiter says oh no sorry for the loss of your friend.
The Scotsman says Ack, no nobody died, I just quit drinking.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers a mile off.

A Scotsman was running down the street with his mouth open...

He'd heard there was a n**... in the air.

The English and the Scots.

A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

A scotsman walks out of a bar

It could happen.

An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging.....

in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago.
The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago.
The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.

Why do Scotsmen screw their sheep by the side of a cliff?

Because they push back harder.

A Scotsman invented the first c**.... It was made out of a sheep's intestine.

Not too long after, the British improved on it by first removing the intestine from the sheep.

The Scots are updating the perception of traditional Scottish fare.

Oatmeal porridge will now be known as a Highland Smoothie.

A Scotsman walks into a bar..

..the Welshman, Northern Irishman and the Englishman were meant to tag along but they went to the Euros.

What did the Scotsman say when he went for another drink?

"Hey, where'd my Glascow?"

A scotsman goes to the dentist.

A scotsman goes to the dentist.
Sits down on the seat and the dentist asks
"Comfy?"
The scotsman replies "Glasgow mate"

What did the Scotsman do to the trumpet plant?

He rooted it oot.

A Scotsman walks into a bar..

Normally there is a Welshman, Irishman and Englishman, but they're all in Marseille at the Euro's.

A Scotsman walks into a bar

usually he is with an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman but they are all in France for the Euros.

Scotsman in a bar

A Scotsman walks in to a bar there would have been a Welshman, an Englishman and 2 Irishman but they all got into the Euros.

Two Scotsmen walk past a baker

One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'
The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake'

A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

A Scotsman, and Englishman, and a Chinese man take a hotair ballon ride over the UK...

As they take off, the Scotsman gazes down and marvels "Ahh my beautiful Scotland!"
As the cross the border the Englishman gazes down and says "Ahh my beautiful England!"
The Chinese man takes out a saucer, throws it over the side and says "Ahh my beautiful china!"

A Scotsman is out walking with his girlfriend.

They walk by a hot dog stand, and the girl exclaims, "Mmm, that smells so good!"
"Oh," the Scotsman answers, "do you want to go walk past it again?"

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

A Scotsman is walking down the street when he spots two guys fighting. Without a second thought, he marches over to them, splits them apart and says...

"Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?"

International Boundaries

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots and French in Canada, and how they intermarried with the Indians. "You'll find," he said "quite a number of Scot & French half-breeds, but you will not find any English half-breeds."
A Scot in the audience shouted, "The Indians have to draw the line somewhere!"

A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me."

The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."

How did the Scotsman find his sheep in the tall grass?

Delightful.

A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.
"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.
"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

...because sheep run at the sound of a zipper

Why did the Scotsman visit the Urologist?

Because he had a wee problem.

2 Scotsmen are 69ing. What are their names?

Patrick FitzGerald and Gerald FitzPatrick.

An scotsman went to norway for vacation

He was going in a taxi , when suddenly a moose crossed in front of them
Scotsman: What was that?
Driver: It was a moose
Scotsman(in heavy accent): Take me back to the airport right now. If the mouse are this big then I don't wanna even see the rats.

Two scotsmen walk into a bar.

The second they open the door, they immediately collapse on the floor and start heaving. The bartender comes over and asks what's wrong. They both reply that they have been walking for several weeks, without rest. the bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" the scotsmen reply, "just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door"

Why does the Scotsman wear a kilt?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!
Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

The Scotsman

A Scotsman was walking down the street in his traditional Scottish attire when he saw a couple of women talking and giggling,
As he approached one of the women asked " is it true the you dont wear anything under your kilt?"
"Aye, why dont you have a peek and find out for yourself"
So the woman lifted his kilt just enough to see his "business" and said "oh thats gruesome"
The Scotsman replied "I think if you'll check again, you'll see its grew some more"
First post, heard this in a song recently, got a good chuckle from it personally
I think it helps to read with a Scottish accent

Scotsman and a new restaurant

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Wonderful!"
Being the 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the h**..., I'll treat her."
... So they walked past it again.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because the sheep learned to run away when they heard a zipper open...

Why do scotsmen wear kilts?

Zippers scare the sheep

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a kilometer away.

A Scotsman

A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. Did you smell that? she asked her husband. It smells absolutely incredible! Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought what the h**...…I'll treat her!
So, they walked past the place again!

Why to Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Russian are seeing who can drink the most booze.

It's been two weeks and they're still going.

An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar

… and order a pint each.
A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.
Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.
A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: spit it out! Spit it out your little bastad .

What did the Scotsman say to the Texan?

'Howdae?'

A Scotsman phoned his boss:

Scotsman: Sorry boss I have a wee cough so I will not be in today.
Boss: You have a wee cough?
Scotsman: says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....

An Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny into an open sewage pit

The pit was full of e**..., and after a few moments of thinking the Scotsman concluded:
"It's not worth it. I will never dive in for a penny!"
Then he checked his pockets for some change, picked two pounds and throw it to the pit:
"Now it's better" he said and jumped into the sewage.

A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin

They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.
"What the b**... h**... was that?" he asks.
"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."
"Good God," the Scotsman cries, "if that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.

Scotsman at a Yankees game

So a Scotsman goes on vacation to NYC, and decides to take in a Yankees home game, as he didn't understand baseball and wanted to learn more.
So he settles into his seat and the game starts. In the top of the second inning, he sees the pitcher walk the batter.
The Scotsman, not understanding, stands up, shouting "RUN, MAN! RUN!!"
The man sitting in front of him turns around and says, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four b**...."
The Scotsman thinks about this for a moment, and then shouts "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

Why do Scotsmen drink so much?

To slur their speech enough to do the accent.

Scots joke, Why do Scotsmen drink so much?

jokes about scots

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these scots jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.