Scotland Jokes
106 scotland jokes and hilarious scotland puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scotland that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Whether you're from Scotland, England, Ireland or somewhere else, these jokes about Scotland will have you in stitches. From funny Scotland Football jokes to puns on Scotland's favourite pub lassies, you'll find something to make you chuckle. Read on for Scotland v Ukraine jokes, Scotland English jokes and more.
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Funniest Scotland Short Jokes
Short scotland jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scotland humour may include short pub jokes also.
- The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a third world country if they gain independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.
- The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit. I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
- Scotland's Independence David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent.
I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know - A cop pulled me over and said, "You were driving on the wrong side of the road." I said, "Sorry, I'm from Scotland." So he said, "Ye was droiving on the wrong soide of the roade now wasn't ye?"
- One of my dads faves Burglars have broken into Scotland Yard and stolen all the toilets
Police say they have nothing to go on - Did you hear about the Scotland Yard detective who dropped his smartphone. He cracked the case.
- Last night a thief broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets, Police say they have nothing to go on.
- I hear Scotland is trying to leave the UK again... Well if at first you don't secede, try try again.
- I got kicked out of a graveyard the last time I went to Scotland. They didn't appreciate me writing "Graveheart" on William Wallace's tombstone.
- The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum... So the english are going to get away scot free!
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Scotland One Liners
Which scotland one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scotland? I can suggest the ones about wales and referendum.
- Why is Mickey Mouse's helicopter no use in Scotland? Disneyland
- What's big, Scottish, and depressing? Scotland.
- I love summer in Scotland... This year it was a Wednesday.
- All the toilets have been stolen from Scotland Yard The police have nothing to go on
- I secretly love men from Scotland... It's my kilty pleasure.
- Scotland might not leave the EU... but Theresa May.
- Who's home in Scotland can you walk into at any time? The Lock-less Monster
- Scotland is like Iraq A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.
- Based on the Scotland vote results... It looks like the UK didn't get off Scot-free.
- Are you girls from Scotland? "Wales, idiot." "Oh sorry. Are you whales from Scotland?"
- What do you call the play about the pretzel who wanted to be king of Scotland? Snackbeth
- Light aircraft crashes in Scotland! Two kilt
- Scotland is a place filled with angry people. Even their flag is cross.
- What do you call a detective from Glasgow with three feet? A Scotland Yard.
- What do you call 23 men watching the World Cup 2018? The Scotland National Team.
Scotland English Jokes
Here is a list of funny scotland english jokes and even better scotland english puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Celts of Scotland, Wales, and Ireland invented condoms made of sheep intestine. The invention didn't really take off until the English took the intestine out of the sheep before use.
Scotland Football Jokes
Here is a list of funny scotland football jokes and even better scotland football puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Cinderella and the Scotland football team? Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.
- england football manager Roy Hodgson has just announced that he's won the competition for "Scotland's favourite Englishman."
Comedy Scotland Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about scotland you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean accent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make scotland pranks.
When I was a kid in Scotland...
...I asked my dad once day
"How come you always screw the sheep on the edge of the cliffs? Isn't that kind of dangerous?"
He said "Yes, son, it is, but it makes the sheep push back a lot harder."
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
...And that's the last thing I remember
So I was at the bar the other day, and I heard these two kind of hefty women talking to each other in a funny accent. So I go up to them and say, "Hey are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them turns to me and says, "Wales you idiot!" I say, "Oh sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"
At a small London pub,
3 girls are chatting. An Englishman hears them and notices their distinctive accent that he so easily recognizes. He approaches then smoothly and asks: "are you girls from Scotland?"
In a condescending tone, one of them turns around and says: "It's Wales, idiot!"
"Oh I'm sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"
So there were two larger girls at the bar...
I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent.
I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?'
One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!'
'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'
A guy is sitting at a bar...
and he hears a few women at the far end of the bar. They sound like they are from the UK so he looks over and sees 3 enormous, fat women. he walks over and asks:
"so are you 3 women from Scotland?"
"Wales"
"oh, im sorry. so are you 3 whales from Scotland?"
A black man starts work on a construction site in Liverpool.
The other workers nickname him "w**...".
Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got m**... and p**..., they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland".
The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "m**..., Mack, p**..., Wac leave the w**... alone!"
I was in a bar when...
I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked.
*"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"*
One of the ladies turned to me and said,
*"It's Wales you idiot"*
I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said,
*"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"*
Don't remember much else.
My favorite Robin Williams joke
U2 is playing a concert in Scotland, and as a hush comes over the crowd, Bono starts clapping his hands above his head very slowly.
As he claps, he tells the crowd, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." And a man stands up in the back of the room, and shouts "Then stop clappin' your hands!"
Thanks, Robin.
I heard something crazy the other day
apparently making alcohol in scotland is whiskey business
An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging.....
in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago.
The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago.
The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.
Interesting accents!
3 hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they're done ordering he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?"
One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"
The bartender says, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"
A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.
They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"
A man gets on a train to go to Scotland for business...
When he arrives, it's raining. He stays for three whole weeks and the rain never stops. When he finally returns to the train station, he see's a young boy. He goes up to him and says "Excuse me, does it ever stop raining here?" The boy replies "I'm not sure, I'm only 5 years old."
An pakistani in the US fears for his safety
Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.
When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called?
Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap b**...' hands anyway.
My uncle came back from Scotland and said they found a new use for sheep...
Wool.
So I'm at a bar, and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.
I ask, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Scotland??"
One yells back, "It's WALES you idiot!"
I reply, "Oh, of course. My bad! Are you two whales from Scotland?"
2 Big Ladies
So two large ladies with heavy accents walk into a local pub, the guy next to them asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" and they screamed, "WALES!" and then the guy said, "Sorry my bad, are you two whales from Scotland?"
Grandpa's joke last night.
Two heavy set women are talking by the bar.
The bartender says "You ladies have a lovely accent. Are you from Scotland?" One of them women goes "No, Wales."
The bartender replied "Are you whales from Scotland?"
Then grandpa precedes to explain the joke about them being whales. We were in my younger brothers school for a basketball game and everyone was in earshot.
So I was at this little pub in Great Britain.....
I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby.
I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"!
Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?
Three large girls walk into a bar...
They sit down at the bar and try to order a drink. The bartender clearly doesn't understand their heavy accents so a man comes over to try and help. The man says, "excuse me, but are you ladies from Scotland?"
They say, "No! Wales, Wales!"
"Oh my apologies! Are you whales from Scotland?"
Dear England,
Now you know what it feels like when you're out of Europe against your will.
Scotland.
What does Las Vegas have in common with Scotland?
Not a lot, but in both you can pay for s**... with chips.
How do they practice safe s**... in Scotland?
They brand the sheep that kick.
I was at the pub the other day, when 2 fat chicks walk in and sit next to me
Thought of being polite, I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?'
One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's Wales you idiot'
So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'
Long story short, anyone know how to deal with black eyes fast?
A Scotsman, and Englishman, and a Chinese man take a hotair ballon ride over the UK...
As they take off, the Scotsman gazes down and marvels "Ahh my beautiful Scotland!"
As the cross the border the Englishman gazes down and says "Ahh my beautiful England!"
The Chinese man takes out a saucer, throws it over the side and says "Ahh my beautiful china!"
An Englishman walks into a pub in London
As he approaches the bar he hears two women speaking with heavy accents.
"Are you ladies from Scotland?" He asks.
"It's Wales, actually!" One of the woman replies.
"Sorry." says the man "Are you whales from Scotland?"
I go into a bar in scotland
The bartender looks rather angry so I go up to him and ask what's up
He says 'you see that bridge over there' pointing outside. I built that. But do they call me Angus the bridge builder. Nooo.
'You see this bar. I built it. Do they call me Angus the bar builder. No.'
'But ye get caught with one goat..."
An Englishman walks into a bar...
He sees three fat ladies ordering drinks at the counter and hears a thick accent.
"Excuse me, are you three ladies from Scotland?"
They all scream back in unison, "WALES, YOU IDIOT!!"
"Oh, sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
A man comes across some rather large women...
He overhears them speaking with an interesting accent:
Man: "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?"
Ladies: "No, Wales."
Man: "Oh, I'm sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"
I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.....
We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?' One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's WALES you idiot!!!'
So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'
God said to Gabriel:
"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"
Three men are on a train.
One is an economist, one is a logician, and the other is a mathematician.
They are riding into Scotland, as they pass a brown cow.
The economist says, "Look, the cows in Scotland are brown."
The logician says, "No, there are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown"
The mathematician says, "No, There is at least one cow in scotland, of which one side appears to be brown from this distance"
A man walks into a bar...
...and sees two obese women having a conversation. He walks up to them and notices they have an accent. He says, "hello ladies, I like your accent is it from Scotland?" One of the women replies, "It's Wales you idiot." The man says to the women, " I'm sorry, hello whales, is your accent from Scotland?"
A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?"
They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot."
"Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician in Scotland
An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train headed for Scotland. As they cross the border, they see a black sheep. The astronomer cries out, All sheep in Scotland are black. . The physicist says, Some sheep in Scotland are black . The mathematician raises his eyes heavenward and says, In Scotland, there is at least one field, with at least one sheep in it, one side of which is black!
Did you hear about the broken helicopter that Mickey Mouse bought from Scotland?
Disneyland
A guy walk up to a bar with two women
A guy walk up to a bar with two women and says "you ladies from Scotland?
They give him a dirty look and say "Wales"
"Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
So I'm in a bar and two large women with accents walk in and sit down.
I look over to them and say: "hey ladies, nice accents. Are you from Scotland?"
One of the ladies yells: "it's Wales, you idiot!!"
So I said: "Ok, that's cool. Are you two whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much else.
What is Scotland's g**... domestic product?
Haggis
The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.
The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?
The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.
In Scotland, they are so mean with money that every home has double glazing installed.
So their kids can't hear the ice cream van
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland? One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It's Wales you fool! So I apologized and replied,
"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"
cr
A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.
The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.
"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"
"Aye. Wood."
"You would?"
"Nay yew, is oak."
"Oak? Eh?"
"Glad to have helped."
A Canadian walks into a bar
A Canadian walks into a bar and sees two large ladies. He asks, "are you two ladies from Scotland?"
The ladies, furious, reply, "Wales! Wales!"
The man turns back, "I apologise. Are you two whales from Scotland?"
A man walks into a bar
And sees 2 women sitting at a table so he asks "are you 2 women from Scotland?" They then say in response "no! Wales of course" he thinks a bit and says finally " sorry are you 2 whales from Scotland?"
The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you b**... idiot!"
So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
My father used to chase skirts all over the world...
But when he got to Scotland, oh boy was he surprised.
"Can I use your WiFi?"
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your WiFi?".
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
Call me racist if you want, but I think everything south of the border is a sea of corruption, idiocy, degradation and violence that I wouldn't touch with a bargepole.
That's why I'm thankful I live in Scotland.
Whenever I see an astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.
'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'
'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in Scotland some sheep are black'
'Actually' said the mathematician 'all we know is that in Scotland there is a field in which there is a sheep, one side of which is black'
Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus...
They've gone into full loch down.
Joke my grandpa told me.
So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for three shots. The bar tender asks why 3? The guys says he has 2 brothers. one who lives in England, one who lives in Scotland. He says he has a shot for all 3 of them, so it feels like he's with the. The bartender give the guy his three shots. The guy continued to do this for a while. One day, the guy comes in and the bartender says, three shots? The guy says only two. The bartender asks the guy what happened to his brother, or if he's ok. The guy says that his brothers are fine, he just quit drinking.
Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm
One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.
If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!
It is at Manchester registry office at 2pm. The brides name is Nicola, she is 28, 5f 6 tall, a bit of a looker and a good cook.
Two scottish girls
Two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.
Bartender said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
"Oh, I am terribly sorry about that", says the bartender
"So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
I was at the bar the other night ...
... and overheard three very big ol' fat women talking at the bar. They all spoke with a heavy brogue accent.
I made an unfortunate assumption that their accents appeared to be Scottish… so I approached and asked, Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?
One of them angrily screeched, It's Wales… you b**... idiot! \*
So I immediately apologized…. and replied, I am so sorry! Are you three whales from Scotland?
And that's the last thing I remember.
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I'm going to cashew
(sent to me from my friend in Scotland)
Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.
Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.
"Ah, tourists eh? Do you girls want to hear a joke about Scotland?"
"It's Wales actually."
"Alright. Do you whales want to hear a joke about Scotland?"
Buckingham Palace say the Queen will interrupt her annual stay in Balmoral in Scotland to hold an audience with the incoming new prime minister.
Creaking a bit, with limited mobility, but still doggedly in charge, the Tory party gets its new leader on September 5th.
