Scotch Jokes

Discover the wittiest and funniest scotch jokes around! Bring laughter to any room with these classic humor about Scotch Egg, Scotch Tape, Scotch Whisky, and more. Learn about Scottish culture and the fascinating history of this beloved drink, from Brandy to Scotch Pies! Enjoy these jokes and share them with your friends!

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Scotch Jokes with Friends.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The Bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?" Descartes replies, "No, I think not."
And then he vanishes.

No dice.

"Oh, just a scotch."

The bartender says, "what can I get for you?"

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Took a Cab Home

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.

A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...

The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a vodka, the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."

jokes about scotch

A man walks into a bar...

... Approaches the bartender and asks for ten shots of his finest Scotch. The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them, one after the other, in under ten seconds.

The bartender says "My god, I've never seen anyone take so many shots so fast!"

To which the man replies "Bartender, if you had what I have you'd drink fast too."

"What do you have?" asks the bartender.

"Four bucks."

A guy walks into a bar

He orders 9 scotches, straight up.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a a lot of scotch. You must be celebrating?"

Guy: "Yes. My first blow job."

Bartender: "Well then, the tenth one is me!"

Guy: "If the first nine don't get the taste out of my mouth, ten won't either."

The confession.

A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had sex all night until the sun came up.

The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?

Guy says "I'm not a catholic"

The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"

Guy says "I'm telling everyone."

Scotch joke, The confession.

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh? What do you have?"

"Fifty cents!"

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"

The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"

"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse

"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"

The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.

Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.

Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?

Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.

Guy: What's he doing with your wife?

Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.

I like my scotch like I like my women..

12 and single.

You can explore scotch drink reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean scotch gulps dad jokes. There are also scotch puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

I like my girlfriends the same as I like my scotch...

14 years old and on coke

A panda walks into a bar

He tells the bartender, "I'll have a scotch and....................................................a coke, thank you."

"Sure thing," replied the bartender, "but why the big pause?"

"I was born with them," says the panda raising his paws.

I got a bottle of scotch for my wife...

...that's not a bad trade.

I like my girlfriends like I like my scotch

Twelve years old and mixed up with coke

Scotch joke, I like my girlfriends like I like my scotch

WALKS INTO A BAR... FRUGAL GORILLA

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either.

105 Year Old Mae

Her granddaughter asked her how she lived so long, Mae replied "For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink Scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps."

"When do you drink water?" the granddaughter asked

"I've never been that sick."

What do you get when you cross Van Gogh with George Thorogood?

One bourbon
One scotch
And one ear

Cheating wife

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.

I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle.

So I fixed it with scotch tape.

a man and harambe walk in to a bar

bartender: what will you fine gentleman have?

harambe: scotch

man: no, you'll have ice

bartender: just ice?

man: yes, justice for harambeο»Ώ

I bought a lovely 12 year old Scotch

her parents reported me to the police

A friend of mine gave me an expensive bottle of scotch, I was afraid of dropping it so I drank the entire bottle immediately.

Good thing I drank it because I fell seven times when biking home that night.

A bottle of Scotch

An old Scotsman is lying on his deathbed, and he gasped out one last request. He says to his friend who's at his bedside:"Remember that fine old bottle of Scotch me father bought on the day I was born, that I've saved all these many years?". His friend shakes his head "yes". The old man says:"Would ya do me a great favor, and pour it over me grave when I'm gone?". His friend replies:"Surely lad, but do ya mind if I strain it through me kidneys first?".

A man runs into a bar...

He runs up the bartender and says:

"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"

The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.

The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"

The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."

The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"

The man says: "Fifty cents."

Scotch joke, A man runs into a bar...

I just bought some 12 year old scotch

Her parents weren't too happy with it though

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

I need glasses to see my family

Specifically, two glasses of scotch.

Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old Scotch

She didn't like it

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

Roy Moore walks into a bar and orders a 10 year old scotch, and water

The bartender says "here's your scotch and water."
Roy Moore asks "where's my 10 year old?"

I like my women like I like my scotch.

Eighteen years old and mixed up with coke.

I need glasses to see my family.

In particular, two glasses of Scotch.

If you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you'll live forever...

Every scotch drinker just dies trying to figure out how much that is.

Last Christmas i got a bottle of scotch for my wife.

That was a fair trade.

A FedEx guy knocks on the door....

A FedEx guy knocks on the door. A little kid answers, naked except underpants, smoking a joint & holding half a bottle of Scotch.

FedEx guy says "Kid, is your mother home?"

The kid says "What do *you* think?"

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."

The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.

"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.

"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"

The man replies "50 cents."

Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."

The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."

The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"

The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."

I bought a really nice 12 year old scotch

obviously his parents weren't very pleased

I like my women how I like my scotch,

Aged 18 years and mixed with a little coke.

I needed glasses to see my family.

Two glasses of scotch. To be precise.

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"

His employees replied again, "No."

Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"

His workers responded, "A puppy."

I asked a cop, "You know what my toddler's favourite type of scotch is?"

He frowned. "What is it?"

"Hopscotch," I replied.

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

A blond walks into a bar and orders a line of shots.

A blond walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets her up, and the blond takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. She then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the blondy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"

I need glasses so I can see my family.

Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.

Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

A man with a harelip sits down at the bar

Bartender, one thcoth and thoda, please , he says. One thcoth and thoda, comin' up , says the barkeep. Hey! says the guy with the harelip, are you teathin' me? No way! says the bartender, thath juth the way I talk! . Another guy comes in and sits down. I'd like a scotch and soda, please . One scotch and soda, coming up , says the bartender. I thought you thaid you weren't teathin' me! , says the first guy. I'm not teathin' you , replied the bartender, I'm teathin' him!

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting

Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.

I have to have glasses just to see my family.

Specifically 2 glasses… of Scotch.

24 Shots

A bar holds a drinking contest to see who can drink 24 shots of Scotch in an hour? A man walks in, is invited to join in, and promptly leaves. He comes back an hour later, joins the contest and wins.

When asked where he went, he replies, "I had to go across the street to another bar to see if I could do it first."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator

He says to the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

Bartender says, "Yep, sure do!"

The guy says, "Great! I'll have a scotch neat, and my alligator will have a lawyer."

Doc and Marty mcfly find a mysterious bottle of purple liquor.

Marty opens it and takes a whiff. "Smells kinda like wine, Doc"

Doc grabs the bottle, exclaiming "I don't think it's wine, Marty". Doc takes a sip and spits it into Marty's face. "Grape Scotch!?"

An old man walks into a library

He walks up to the librarian and says Get me a scotch.
The librarian says, Sir this is a library, not a bar.
Oh I'm sorry. the old man replies, and he leans in to whisper *Get me a scotch*

I went to the liquor store on a bike once

I bought a bottle of an expensive scotch, but I was worried I would tip over on my bike on my way home, and break the bottle. So instead, I drank the entire bottle before I got on the bike. Turned out to be a very good decision, as I tipped over at least 10 times on my way home.

A bear walks into a bar...

The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.

The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."

"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"

"I'll have a glass of..." says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "... scotch."

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender.

"Don't you mean big pause?" asks the bear.

"Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's been a rough day."

Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi----

Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]

Three men and the Fly that fell in the Scotch they were drinking

A Frenchman, a German and an Irishman were drinking Scotch. Suddenly a fly fell into each man's drink. The Frenchman says, I cannot drink this! The German flicks the fly out and downs his drink. The Irishman reaches into the glass, grabs the fly, turns it upside down over his drink and yells at the fly: Spit it out, spit it out!

Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"

The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**

The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says ***"Ok but I need you to pay for the other shots first"***

The guy looks the barman in the eye and says ***"It looks like the trouble has started"******.***

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the scotch scotch tape puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working scotch scotch egg piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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