Scotch Jokes
118 scotch jokes and hilarious scotch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about scotch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the wittiest and funniest scotch jokes around! Bring laughter to any room with these classic humor about Scotch Egg, Scotch Tape, Scotch Whisky, and more. Learn about Scottish culture and the fascinating history of this beloved drink, from Brandy to Scotch Pies! Enjoy these jokes and share them with your friends!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Scotch Short Jokes
Short scotch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The scotch humour may include short whisky jokes also.
- My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
- Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi---- Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]
- My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
- "Oh, just a scotch." The bartender says, "what can I get for you?"
A tachyon walks into a bar. - a man and harambe walk in to a bar bartender: what will you fine gentleman have?
harambe: scotch
man: no, you'll have ice
bartender: just ice?
man: yes, justice for harambe - Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The Bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?" Descartes replies, "No, I think not."
And then he vanishes. No dice. - Why do catholic priests have no interest in expensive scotches? They're all at least 18 years old.
- I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle. So I fixed it with scotch tape.
- What do you get when you cross Van Gogh with George Thorogood? One bourbon
One scotch
And one ear - I asked a cop, "You know what my toddler's favourite type of scotch is?" He frowned. "What is it?"
"Hopscotch," I replied.
Share These Scotch Jokes With Friends
Scotch One Liners
Which scotch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with scotch? I can suggest the ones about scottish english and irish whiskey.
- I need glasses to see my family Specifically, two glasses of scotch.
- I need glasses to see my family. In particular, two glasses of Scotch.
- I need glasses so I can see my family. Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.
- I just bought some 12 year old scotch Her parents weren't too happy with it though
- I bought a really nice 12 year old scotch obviously his parents weren't very pleased
- I like my women like I like my scotch. Eighteen years old and mixed up with coke.
- I like my scotch like I like my women.. 12 and single.
- Last Christmas i got a bottle of scotch for my wife. That was a fair trade.
- I got a bottle of scotch for my wife... ...that's not a bad trade.
- I like my girlfriends the same as I like my scotch... 14 years old and on coke
- I needed glasses to see my family. Two glasses of scotch. To be precise.
- I have to have glasses just to see my family. Specifically 2 glasses… of Scotch.
- I bought a lovely 12 year old Scotch her parents reported me to the police
- Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old Scotch She didn't like it
- I like my women how I like my scotch, Aged 18 years and mixed with a little coke.
Scotch Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny scotch day jokes and even better scotch day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you'll live forever... Every scotch drinker just dies trying to figure out how much that is.
- My grandfather said "if you drink Scotch every day for 100 years" You'll live a long time.
- I bought a 12 year old scotch the other day Her parents wernt happy
- I was taken hostage the other day. My captors taped me up. I got away scotch free!
Scotch Tape Jokes
Here is a list of funny scotch tape jokes and even better scotch tape puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a cassette single of The Proclaimers' hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"? Scotch tape.
- My band director wanted to throw a "taping" party to organize our sheets of music. I told him that I'll bring the Scotch.
- I was concerned about the FBI spying on me through my webcam.. So I put a piece of scotch tape on it.
- What is Tape's favorite drink? Scotch.
- A man walks into a bar and asks for a surprise. The bartender pulls out some ice and a roll of tape. The man asks: what are you making?
The bartender replies: Scotch on the rocks, bud - "Your finest Scotch, please."
"Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
Scotch Drinker Jokes
Here is a list of funny scotch drinker jokes and even better scotch drinker puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Scotch drinkers often have trouble with relationships... because they prefer things on the rocks.
Scotch Egg Jokes
Here is a list of funny scotch egg jokes and even better scotch egg puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's so weird to think that Scottish people started off as a scotch egg.
Scotch Whisky Jokes
Here is a list of funny scotch whisky jokes and even better scotch whisky puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is Irish whiskey better than Scotch whisky? It's got an e in it
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Scotch Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about scotch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean scotsman sheep jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make scotch pranks.
I like my women like I like my scotch
Aged thirteen years in an oak barrel.
Why is 18 year old Scotch better than a 18 year old girl?
An 18 y.o. Scotch is less expensive, and you don't have to remember it's birthday. An 18 y.o.Scotch does not care if you try another Scotch. An 18 y.o. Scotch is mature, well mannered and good alone or shared. An 18 y.o. Scotch won't make you look like a child m**.... And most impotantly, a 18 y.o. Scotch doesn't try to talk to you.
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...
The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a v**..., the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."
A man walks into a bar...
... Approaches the bartender and asks for ten shots of his finest Scotch. The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them, one after the other, in under ten seconds.
The bartender says "My god, I've never seen anyone take so many shots so fast!"
To which the man replies "Bartender, if you had what I have you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
"Four bucks."
A guy walks into a bar
He orders 9 scotches, straight up.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a a lot of scotch. You must be celebrating?"
Guy: "Yes. My first b**...."
Bartender: "Well then, the tenth one is me!"
Guy: "If the first nine don't get the taste out of my mouth, ten won't either."
The confession.
A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had s**... all night until the sun came up.
The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?
Guy says "I'm not a catholic"
The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"
Guy says "I'm telling everyone."
Couldn't sleep
So I couldn't sleep last night, and in an effort to wind my brain down, I ended up looking up obscure European military facts.
Did you know there was once a unit in the Scottish armed forces that's only job was to watch over furniture?
Yep, they were called the Scotch Guard.
A man falls into a vat at a scotch distillery...
he drowns in the vat and the workers decide that despite this they'll still bottle this batch.
While tasting they agreed that despite the odd taste it was full bodied.
Have you ever noticed that cigars and scotch taste the same?
They both taste like my dad's approval.
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!"
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.
A man walks into a bar with his dog and cat.
Bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says, "I'll have a v**..., the man will have a water, and the cat will have a scotch."
The bewildered bartender looks at the dog and says, "This is AMAZING! You're a talking dog..."
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."
I like my women like I like my scotch
12-14 years old
A panda walks into a bar
He tells the bartender, "I'll have a scotch and....................................................a coke, thank you."
"Sure thing," replied the bartender, "but why the big pause?"
"I was born with them," says the panda raising his paws.
I like my girlfriends like I like my scotch
Twelve years old and mixed up with coke
WALKS INTO A BAR... FRUGAL GORILLA
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either.
105 Year Old Mae
Her granddaughter asked her how she lived so long, Mae replied "For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink Scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps."
"When do you drink water?" the granddaughter asked
"I've never been that sick."
Cheating wife
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.
A Panda walks into a bar..
and asks the bartender if he can get a scotch...
.....
...and coke.
The bartender replies "Sure thing, but why the big pause?"
The Panda shrugs, lifts up his hands, and says "Was born with them."
I like my women like I like my Scotch.
Noice.
An amnesiac walks into a bar...
So he sits down next to a smoking hot blonde, and orders a scotch on the rocks. He then turns to the blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"
A friend of mine gave me an expensive bottle of scotch, I was afraid of dropping it so I drank the entire bottle immediately.
Good thing I drank it because I fell seven times when biking home that night.
A bottle of Scotch
An old Scotsman is lying on his deathbed, and he gasped out one last request. He says to his friend who's at his bedside:"Remember that fine old bottle of Scotch me father bought on the day I was born, that I've saved all these many years?". His friend shakes his head "yes". The old man says:"Would ya do me a great favor, and pour it over me grave when I'm gone?". His friend replies:"Surely lad, but do ya mind if I strain it through me kidneys first?".
A man walks into a bar
He walks up to the bartender and asks for 8 shots of Lagavulin.
Bartender lines up the glasses, and as soon as one is filled the man empties it.
The bartender says "Hey this is good scotch, you might want to take a second to enjoy it, yeah?"
"Eh. You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."
"I'm sorry to hear that. What's it that you've got?"
"25 cents"
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
Jack the ripper walks into a Bar...
and orders Isabella's Islay scotch. Bartender warns "It will cost you an arm and a leg".
Jack the ripper's reply:"its a deal"
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motocycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank.
The End
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
Roy Moore walks into a bar and orders a 10 year old scotch, and water
The bartender says "here's your scotch and water."
Roy Moore asks "where's my 10 year old?"
Macduff was on his deathbed.
He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."
Macleod nodded solemnly, and then asked,
"Can I filter it through my kidneys first?'
I like my women like I like my Scotch.
At least 18, hairless, and goes down easy.
A Bitcoin trader walks into a bar
He walks up to the bar, orders a whiskey, pays the bartender one bitcoin and says, "By this time tomorrow it might be worth a million bucks!"
The bartender pours him a glass of water and says, "By this time tomorrow it might be Scotch."
A FedEx guy knocks on the door....
A FedEx guy knocks on the door. A little kid answers, n**... except underpants, smoking a joint & holding half a bottle of Scotch.
FedEx guy says "Kid, is your mother home?"
The kid says "What do *you* think?"
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.
"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.
"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 cents."
I like my women like I like my Scotch
Preferably aged 18 years but I could settle for 12
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and says to the bartender I'll have one scotch thanks.
The bartender, amazed says to the grasshopper: You know we have a drink named after you.
The grasshopper looks at the man confused.
What, you have a drink named Kevin?
So I bought a bottle of scotch from the store and put in my bicycle basket....
I decided that I would drink the scotch before going cycling back home because the bottle might break.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell multiple times on my way home.
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess..."Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "No!" and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and f**... whenever he wanted. THE END
What do frustrated English lords use to clean their castles?
Scotch Brite
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.
Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.
Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
We went for a hike at the weekend , despite the blustery conditions , and despite taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back we battled against the weather quite well.
Then it happened, from nowhere came down the sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs quiche and Vol-au-vent and then I realised we was being buffetted by the wind.
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
A blond walks into a bar and orders a line of shots.
A blond walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets her up, and the blond takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. She then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the blondy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like c**..., and the last one always makes me sick!"
Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?
No? Then you're sure as h**... not babysitting for my kids!
My Father's Favorite Joke
An old man and a bartender are having an argument. The old man keeps asking for aged scotch. The bartender gives him a drink and the old man spits it out and says its only 10 year scotch and he wanted older. The bartender gets another bottle and gives another drink. The old man spit that drink out and says its only 20 year scotch and that he wanted older. The bartender leaves for about five minutes and came back with another drink. The old man drinks it, spits it out, and asks what it was.
The bartender says: "How old am I?"
A man with a harelip sits down at the bar
Bartender, one thcoth and thoda, please , he says. One thcoth and thoda, comin' up , says the barkeep. Hey! says the guy with the harelip, are you teathin' me? No way! says the bartender, thath juth the way I talk! . Another guy comes in and sits down. I'd like a scotch and soda, please . One scotch and soda, coming up , says the bartender. I thought you thaid you weren't teathin' me! , says the first guy. I'm not teathin' you , replied the bartender, I'm teathin' him!
I take my women like I take my scotch
18 years old and mixed up with coke.
A man hurriedly walks into a bar
Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight
BT: here you go
Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight
BT: here
Man: again, before I get into a fight
BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting
Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.
24 Shots
A bar holds a drinking contest to see who can drink 24 shots of Scotch in an hour? A man walks in, is invited to join in, and promptly leaves. He comes back an hour later, joins the contest and wins.
When asked where he went, he replies, "I had to go across the street to another bar to see if I could do it first."
An alcoholic sees a blonde nurse
An alcoholic walks into a nurses office. The blonde nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?". So the alcoholic says "I've been having a rough, scratchy feeling in my t**... lately". She asks "Well that do you mostly eat and drink?". He replies "Mostly scotch". The alcoholic sees the nurses' eyes widen in shock and judgement, and in a reflex of dismissal he adds "On the rocks though". Her mood quickly shifts from shock to anger and says "WELL THERES' YOUR PROBLEM! STOP DRINKING ROCKS, s**...!".
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same. The bartender asks, Why did you do that?
the guy replies, Well the first shot always tastes like c**..., and the last one always makes me sick!
